fuckface

old

[strawberryshortcakekitten-deact]

Things my brother has said to me since I’ve come out

Bro: You can’t say you’re pan if you’ve only dated cis-boys Jess..

Me: Then you can’t say you’re straight since you’ve never had a girlfriend

Bro: touche…

____________________________________________________________

Bro: so you like girls?

Me: yep

Bro: so youre gonna get a girlfriend?

Me: maybe

Bro: NOW I GOTTA COMPETE AGAINST YOU TOO?? 

____________________________________________________________

Bro: wanna bet on who kisses a girl first?

Me: sure… $10?

Bro: okay

Me: sweet…cough up the money because i already kissed three

Bro: WHAT?? WHO?? you whore…No but seriously who because we only have like 2 lesbians in our school….

____________________________________________________________

Bro: I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HEAR ONE MORE PUN ABOUT YOU AND KITCHENWEAR IM KILLING YOU

____________________________________________________________

Brothers friend: so your sister is pan?

Bro: yeah?

Friend: what’s that?

Bro: basically she’ll date anyone

Friend: think she’ll date me?

Bro: ew no, dude she has standered still..

____________________________________________________________

Bro: so…how was narnia?

____________________________________________________________

Mother: i dont want you going to (insert friend)’s house because you’re pan and they are too

Bro: shes 18 mom AND you had no problem with it before jess was out

Mother: yeah but-

Bro: and they’re both girls so its not like even if something DID happen she wouldn’t get pregnant or anything

Mother: yeah but-

Bro: just let her hang out with the one friend she still has

____________________________________________________________

Bro: *is complaning about something* Thats so ga- OH MY GOD IM SO SORRY IT SLIPPED

____________________________________________________________

Bro: *shows me a picture of a girl* do you think shes hot?

Me: ew no

Bro: I AM TRYING TO GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND STOP BEING PICKY WOMAN WE LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE THERE ARENT THAT MANY OPTIONS 

____________________________________________________________

Me: *is complaining to my brother about this dude on campus* -anyways hes so not my type

Mother: but youre pan and ‘youre attracted to everyone regardless of gender’ so you dont have a type

Bro: thats like saying because i’m straight i like every girl mom…she can be pan and have types you limp lettuce

____________________________________________________________

Bro: do you think grandma will freak out when she finds out you’re queer?

Me: hopefully

Bro: sweet…..can i tell her??

Me: no?

Bro: dammit…

____________________________________________________________

Bro: *is playing COD online in his room* Guys seriously stop saying the F slur

Bro: Seriously i dont care about your kill streak, i will shoot you

Bro: NO SCOPE! I warned you!

____________________________________________________________

Bro: you know what my favorite part of you being pan is?

Me: what?

Bro: you’re no longer grandmas favorite…now i get all the money/food

____________________________________________________________

Bro: aw fuck

Me: what?

Bro: what if you get a girlfriend one day and she breaks your heart? i can’t punch a girl! 

Me: no thats okay-

Bro: HOW WILL I DEFEND YOUR HONOR???

[technicallythearical]

This is so sweet actually

[muttmom-deactivated20170503]

Some of you might know already but I’m looking for work at the moment, and opportunities are scarce near where I live. My uncles are constantly feuding and hiding food in the house, so basically I’ve been surviving off of scraps, and the generosity of irl friends for quite some time now. If anyone wants to help donate to put some food in my stomach. I would really, really, appreciate it.

paypal me at [email protected]

as always reblogs are just as helpful as anything else, and I want to thank people like @scarskirts and many others for being so supportive and helpful

[muttmom-deactivated20170503]

school’s set me back a few hundred dollars, and yeah.. still accepting donations so I can eat breakfast. While I find work.

[muttmom-deactivated20170503]

WELL my financial aid appeal was shot down by the college board, and I’m pretty much double screwed in terms of food/transportation. if It’s within your means to help I’d greatly appreciate it. If not a reblog would be nice. thank you everyone.

[egberts]

that Florida feel when

always a small lizard in the house

[itsmikul]

It’s true. In fact, there’s one in my room right now.

I named him Henry.

Lookit him

[xx-raespexx-deactivated20170630]

i’m convinced florida is another planet

[shake666pro]

@accursedasche

[kurtaztrophe]

Funny thing within like 2 months, there has been 3 I caught in the house.. and 1 my cat caught (rip). One night my mom was like “A lizard went under your door, idk where it went, but if you feel something crawling on you in the middle of the night… its the lizard”.

[ourstarlighteyes]

there's one in the downstairs bathroom and my cat wants it

[thatonegrahamkid-deactivated202]

[mogifire]

has anyone seen that lady since?

[razed-stoner-deactivated2013020]

[lord-kitschener]

Sorry for putting pictures of boobies on your dash.

[neurotoxinsonline]

I’m not

[luna-reverie]

BOOBIES

[crescentbeams]

sorry guys, i usually don’t post NSFW stuff.. but this is a great pair of boobies.

[sleepysmilesamirite]

I love a bouncing pair of boobies.

[capricornian]

I respond to this gifs of cute boobies with a pair of great tits. 

[killer-queen-gunpowder-gelatine]

omg guys. I’m sorry I usually don’t post stuff like this.

[nubocorvi]

boobies are great

[tinsnip]

yeah, boobies are okay, but i know somebody out there is just dying for some cock.

[gwengrimm]

This is what tumbler was made for

[thegreenwolf]

This post just isn’t complete without a picture of the world’s largest pecker.

[daddyslittleoreo666-deactivated]

I love this

[ogress]

that is one huge pecker you got there

[grumpybeardruid-archive-deactiv]

Needs moar tits

[metachimera-deactivated20170726]

What this post needs is a little ass.

[nico-milo-deactivated20180414]

Sorry guys, I don’t usually post NSFW, but you gotta admit, that ass looks great.

[bguiles]

Don’t forget a little pussy

[regvetdream]

YES.

[lacquer-head-deactivated2020042]

Am turn on

[fellowinternetcryptid]

Bless this porn.

[unexplained-events]

Researchers have used Easter Island Moai replicas to show how they might have been “walked” to where they are displayed.

VIDEO

[smileforthehigh-deactivated2017]

Finally. People need to realize aliens aren’t the answer for everything (when they use it to erase poc civilizations and how smart they were)

[desiremyblack]

(via TumbleOn)

[pearlsnapbutton]

What’s really wild is that the native people literally told the Europeans “they walked” when asked how the statues were moved. The Europeans were like “lol these backwards heathens and their fairy tales guess it’s gonna always be a mystery!”

[kiwianaroha]

Maori told Europeans that kiore were native rats and no one believed them until DNA tests proved it

And the Iroquois told Europeans that squirels showed them how to tap maple syrup and no one believed them until they caught it on video

[theopensea]

Oral history from various First Nations tribes in the Pacific Northwest contained stories about a massive earthquake/tsunami hitting the coast, but no one listened to them until scientists discovered physical evidence of quakes from the Cascadia fault line.

[thegirlthewolfate]

Roopkund Lake AKA “Skeleton Lake” in the Himalayas in India is eerie because it was discovered with hundreds of skeletal remains and for the life of them researchers couldn’t figure out what it was that killed them. For decades the “mystery” went unsolved.

Until they finally payed closer attention to local songs and legend that all essentially said “Yah the Goddess Nanda Devi got mad and sent huge heave stones down to kill them”. That was consistent with huge contusions found all on their neck and shoulders and the weather patterns of the area, which are prone to huge & inevitably deadly goddamn hailstones. https://www.facebook.com/atlasobscura/videos/10154065247212728/

Literally these legends were past down for over a thousand years and it still took researched 50 to “figure out” the “mystery”. 🙄

[bob-belcher]

side effects of being numb due to mental illness:

not crying for weeks and weeks on end until one day, you’re breaking down over something that isn’t actually worth getting upset about

not being able to tell if your feelings for people are platonic or romantic or if you’re just lonely

instead of caring too much, you don’t care at all about anything

not being able to process anything going on in your life and when you try, your brain stalls out

losing your train of thought every five seconds, so when you try to have a conversation, you have to pause and remember what you were trying to say

word vomiting

mind “static”

[rarestandfairest-deactivated201]

I had an ex boyfriend threaten to publish my nudes when we broke up, so I published them myself with his threatening messages and tagged all his friends, relatives and potential new girlfriends. I think the boy still has whiplash from that plot twist.

[paperseverywhere]

is it just me? ok….

[phantomrose96]

ONE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH

[hhdhndbdbdbfvtvtvrbrbrb-deactiv]

I love how the writers who don’t intentionally make their characters sound gay are the ones who’s characters are the gayest

[ourstarlighteyes]

I feel like I should tag Steven Universe in this so I'm going to tag Steven Universe

[lumpbiscuit-deactivated20130327]

my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.

#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE

[flutterjedi-deactivated20140413]

I’m an adult.

[thatsnicebutimmarried]

Some shit about life, from a bonafide adult:

even if you get along great with your family you will get along even better with them after moving out 

generic is almost always just as good as name brand. But there are some things you never buy generic, including: peanut butter, ketchup, liquid NyQuil, Chips-Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies

just imagine the person on the other end of the phone hates talking on the phone as much as you do. Even a receptionist. I worked as one and I hate talking on the phone

at least once in your life you will go to Wal-mart to buy something under $20 like an ironing board or something and your debit card will get rejected. No one will judge. Everyone at some point in their lives has had $2.98 in their bank account. 

thrift stores

everyone else is too busy panicking about everyone else noticing every tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about them to notice any tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about you

you will screw up. a lot. you live and you learn. and when you start to think too hard about that embarrassing thing that happened and how you wish you could change it, just tell yourself that what’s done is done. There’s no changing it, so just forget it and move on. It’s the only way to stay sane.

do the dishes before the sink grows its own ecosystem

you can’t put Dawn dishsoap in the dishwasher. 

if you are the only one in the aisle at the grocery store, and you need to get from one end to the other without even looking at anything in that aisle, then you should totally cart-surf down the aisle. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Hold on to the little things. They make all the difference.

never try to make cake from scratch at 3am. You end up with a topographical map of Middle Earth.

15% tip. 

the best way to get money for food is to tell your grandparents about how you basically live on microwaved mac and cheese. Their horror may result in twenty bucks and orders to go out and get yourself “a real dinner”.

sometimes life sucks, and knowing that it might get better doesn’t always make it suck any less, but you’ll never get to the non-sucky days without enduring the suckiness. 

no seriously, NEVER put Dawn in your dishwasher

[250darkstars]

Do not buy generic brand spaghetti sauce either.

Always check the type of light bulb that goes in lamps. A 60w is not interchangeable with a 40w.

Dollar store batteries work just as well as store brand.

[shrineart]

Reward yourself from time to time when you do things that you needed to get done. It’s a good way to remind yourself to do them. Going out to pay a bill? Get Starbucks or something you don’t get often. Rewards don’t have to be huge, they can be small things like that.

Rice, pasta, flour, sugar, cheese, eggs, milk, a pack of chicken, a pack of frozen veggies and a well stocked spice cabinet go a long way food-wise. Splurge and get the biggest container of rice you can. You don’t have to go back and buy it again anytime soon and it makes a TON of meals in the meantime.

Rice can be cooked on the stove. You don’t need a fancy rice cooker. Two parts water to every one part rice (two cups water for one cup of rice for example). Get your water boiling, add rice, put a plate or lid on it, put it on low for 20 minutes. It should be done.

Keep a calendar on your pc of bill due dates. If your bills are set up at inconvenient times, like all of the services started on the first or something, then call up the company and find out if you can get your billing date switched to something more manageable. A lot of places do try to work with you.

There is no shame in calling a company and asking for an extension on a bill. Let them know what you can pay, pay that amount, and they arrange when the rest of the payment is required. This can stop you from having services shut off man. It shows responsibility on your part.

Take time to eat, even when you don’t feel like eating. Your body needs energy to live.

Wash or rinse your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. It prevents gross caked on junk.

“The Works” is an excellent cheap toilet cleaner.

MAGIC. FUCKING. ERASERS. THEY WORK ON EVERYTHING JUST DON’T SCRUB HARD. I took the ring out of our bathtub with one. Also generic ones work just as well.

Keep some bleach around but if you use it for cleaning? Dillute it. There’s rarely ever a case where you need to pout straight bleach on anything. A cap full or two in a bucket of water works just fine.

DO NOT MIX CLEANERS. Chemical reactions are can be very dangerous. Here’s a good list. (Note that vinegar and baking soda can actually be a good combo for removing smells from things but it’s not very good at actually -cleaning-.)

If you drink? Don’t take meds at the same time it’s just not good.

Make sure you check the dosages on your pill bottles. No one wants to accidentally overdose on cough syrup or ibuprofen.

If you have a uterus make sure you have a heating pad and ibuprofen on hand for the pain. Hot baths also generally help and Ginger Tea is excellent for any nausea.

Buy a first aid kit. It’s worth it in the long run.

You can often do your taxes online at places like TurboTax.

Here’s some good sex ed resources because I had to explain what a yeast infection was recently. 

Petroleum jelly (aka Vaseline) is good for chapped lips and you can get a decent sized tube or tub of it (generic brand version) for cheaper/same price as Chapstick.

KEEP TRIPLE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT IN YOUR HOUSE FOR CUTS AND SCRAPES AND SORES. 

~~Medications~~

Over the counter medications (stuff you can buy right off the shelf no prescription needed) have a name brand and a generic name. ALWAYS buy generic if it’s available it is literally the same thing and way cheaper usually.

Some names to remember when you’re looking for meds!

Acetaminophen = Tylenol

Used to treat pain and reduce fever. Do not take with Ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen = Advil, Midol, Motrin

Used for pain and fever, is an anti-inflammtory. Is good for period cramps because it is an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug).

Naproxen = Aleve, Naprosyn

Treats fever, pain, arthritis pain, gout, period cramps, tendinitis, headache, backache, and toothache. Is also an NSAID.

Acetaminophen + Asprin + Caffeine = Excedrin

Usually marketed as “Migraine Relief” as a generic.

Asprin = Bayer

Use for pain, fever, arthritis, and inflammation. Makes you bleed easily so should not be used for periods. Might reduce risk of heart attacks.\

Triple Antibiotic Ointment = Neosporin

Used on cuts, sores, and scrapes to reduce risk of infection and promote healing.

Also a general mutli-vitamin isn’t a bad idea and if you don’t get a lot of fruits or milk/sunshine in your diet you might want to get vitamins C and D specifically for daily use.

[kiokushitakaa]

if you do accidentally lapse and put dawn in your dishwasher, run it empty and put hair conditioner where the detergent goes. that’ll clean it out (tip given to me by dorm custodian when roommate did the thing).

if you live off ramen, add stuff to it! add veggies you like, don’t use the whole flavor packet to cut down on sodium and msg or don’t use it at all and add your own spices.

if you’re making something with potatoes in it (beans, stew) potatoes are done when you can easily stab a fork through them.

you can microwave a hotdog as long as you put it in a microwave safe container of water. microwaves work by making water molecules vibrate. also, when reheating rice leftovers, add a small amount of water, like maybe a spoonfull, so it doesn’t get hard and crunchy.

the rice cooking advice above is for long grain rice. if you’re making short or medium grain rice, a 1:1 ratio (one cup water for one cup rice) is better, so the rice doesn’t come out too mushy.

buy a few cans of chicken. wholesale club stores like sam’s, costco, or bj’s tend to carry multipacks for a good price. they’re incredibly useful for when you forget to defrost meat.

buy meat on sale and put it in the freezer. buy vegetables on sale, and put them in the freezer. frozen veggies are often as flavorful and good as fresh ones, keep longer, and often come in microwaveable bags or with microwave directions.

soak ink stains in milk to help get them out or at least lighten them.

soak blood stains in water as soon as possible, with a bit of detergent or stain remover. scrub at them. use cold water, heat binds proteins to fabric. tbh, there’s no real need to change the washer from cold-cold setting unless the thing you’re washing says to wash in warm water.

acetone, found in most nail polish removers, dissolves super glue.

[cloningmycat]

YOU’RE ALL DOING GOD’S WORK BLESS YOU

[lifelovebooksnshit]

Takes pictures, have prints made and put them in photo albums. Be IN the pictures, have someone take pictures of you and your friends. Get over not looking perfect in thw picture. Someday that friend might be gone and those pictures might be all you’ll have, you will want to be in them. I made that mistake with my best friend, i always felt weird asking for a picture together… he died of cancer January of 2014 and now i have no pictures of us together. Its my only regret in life.

[boasamishipper]

This is really helpful, thank you all!

[batsandhatsinunderland-deactiva]

I’m the newest of new adults but I’m gonna throw these little tips in there. IF YOU HAVE AN OLD CAR: 

-coolant or water if your car overheats (coolant is preferable cause it won’t hurt the engine in the long run but hey i know money is tight) 

-flashlight in case you break down at night and need to check under the hood and your phone is dead

-SPARE TIRE. 

-jumper cables.you will at some point leave your lights on. you just will. 

AAA or any other road side service is never a bad investment i swear. (try to mooch it off your parents as long as you can though) 

[shipperqueen93]

Know how to change a tire. You’re going to need to do it at some point in time and you can’t always rely on someone else to do it for you.

Don’t be afraid to go to your local food bank. They are there for a reason.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help period. Life is hard, everyone needs help occasionally.

[woodelf68]

You can put a LOWER wattage bulb in a lamp that says it’s for a higher one, but don’t put a HIGHER wattage bulb in. Also, watts refer to the amount of electricity used. LUMENS refers to the amount of light put out, and can vary quite a bit between brands, even though the wattage is the same. Look for the one with the highest lumens unless you actually want a slightly dimmer bulb in a certain location. Those dollar store batteries? Fine if they’re alkaline. “Heavy-duty” batteries, however, won’t last nearly as long. You can microwave a hot dog and bun simply by wrapping them in a toweling for a minute, less if you don’t want them scalding hot.

[blue-pixiedust]

Reblogging to save lives.

[faranae-moved]

Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little packets are hella stupid priced) 1 cup warm water (think a hot bath) 1 ½ teaspoons sugar 2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part) 2 ¼ cups flour 1 teaspoon salt

1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!

2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.

3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. Here’s how to knead it: 

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.

Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes. 

Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.

Dinner rolls: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.

Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom.

You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.

Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes.

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

*ahem* That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

(Also it’s ridiculous amounts of therapeutic to bake, for me anyway)

[tempestcaliban]

Being able to bake your own bread is pretty awesome, if you got the time for it. 

[twistedviper]

Do you have sheets with that gross yellow off-coloring? I know I do, especially after an entire summer’s worth of hot humid nights. Or maybe you got some sunscreen on clothes/sheets and that yellowing just won’t come out. Gotta get rid of them? LIES! Here’s what you do:

If you can, PRETREAT. I know it sucks but if you can, get yourself some Dawn dish soap, soak your stuff in hot water, and rub that soap into the really stained spots. 

Before you throw your sheets in the wash, pour a cup of Dawn in the washing machine instead of laundry detergent. Add a large dash of white vinegar (this is where you can soak too if you wish! Let it sit in that hot water for half an hour). 

Instead of fabric softener, put at least 1 cup more of white vinegar where the fabric softener would go. 

Wash it hot then rinse out cool, and throw in the dryer. 

Not only will this help greatly reduce if not get rid of that gross yellowing, but your sheets will come out SUPER soft once they’re out of the dryer, and no funky smell!

[ourstarlighteyes]

Thank you so much omfg

[daily-potters-deactivated201711]

IF YOUR OTP IS RUINING YOUR LIFE CLAP YOUR HANDS 👏👏👏

[this-is-cthulhu-privilege]

"male privilege"

My father drank and took pills, and then drove with my brother, that the had custody of, in the vehicle. He lost custody of him (grandmother got custody of him). He went to jail and got released under extremely strict probation for a dangerously negligent act of abuse. Negligence and child endangerment: strict terms of probation, and loss of custody, with most remarking him getting off lucky.

When I was four years old, meaning my little sister was about 18 months old, my mom locked her and I in the back of the family vehicle in the trailer park parking lot. It was a heatwave of about 115 degrees Fahrenheit, in direct sunlight, meaning it was about 150 Fahrenheit in that vehicle. Once we were locked in the back, she locked herself in the front, and cut both of her wrist. My little sister and I sat in the back as she bled out in the front seat. I still remember the smell of blood. From what I remember my little sister passed out, my mom in the front with no real consciousness, doors locked. The only reason you lock your children in a hot vehicle with you when you try to kill yourself is if you intend on taking them with you.

Next, whether divine providence or cosmic coincidence, neighbor came home early from work. Noticed 2 kids locked in a car with a woman with a lap full of blood in the front (this was after about 90 minutes, hard to remember). Cops and EMTs showed up. She was released from the hospital. Nothing happened. A woman tried to kill herself and take two young children with her, fucking nothing. Two counts of deliberate aggravated attempted murder: fucking nothing.

If a man did that he would be locked under the fucking prison.

If you believe male privilege is an actual thing, you can go fuck yourself with your worthless shit opinion.

[ourstarlighteyes]

holy fuck

[zzdigital]

What if someone got bitten by a vampire, but didn’t realize it. So then they go around and keep misidentifying all the symptoms, like

“Dude, you haven’t gone outside in a while.” “Yeah, last time I went out I got this wicked sunburn.”

“Are you still up?” “Yeah, I started bing watching this show on Netflix.”

“Dude, I’m seriously craving something right now.” “Like what?” “I dunno. Pizza rolls?”

[adriofthedead]

“Why is it that you never come into my house unless I invite you?” “Um, it’s called ‘being polite’…?”

[paulichu]

“I tried cooking with garlic the other night and got this serious burn on my hand. I think I’m allergic, but all I’m getting on Google is vampire bullshit.”

[samarajournal]

“Dude can a mirror like… stop working or something?”

[espeoradar]

“Dude, why do you keep posting pictures of the floor?” “…Those are meant to be selfies, I guess my camera must be broken.”

“Dude, I am all for you expressing your religious beliefs, but could you not wear your crucifix when I’m around? It really bugs me for some reason.”

[recondite-room]

“Have you ever noticed how cute bats are? like really noticed? sweet lil balls of fluff with wings man.”

[nickthepigeon]

“I want to sleep in a coffin…ya kno, for like… aesthetic”

[therightprometheanfire]

“What’s with your thing about necks lately?”

“MUST YOU KINKSHAME ME IN MY OWN HOME”

[androginking]

When you can’t be out with your family and you’re hella same-sex dating rn

[pastelcruelty]

Lewis from Mystery Skulls