Pitch and Moan

Movie pitches so bad, I've got to pawn them off on the internet.

[pitch-and-moan]

If Ever It Were Again

A movie about the making of a fictional Medieval period piece from the 1950s at the height of the Red Scare. Everyone is convinced everyone else is a communist sympathizer, with the exception of the crew, all of whom are actually devoted socialists and manage to successfully turn the movie they're making into an allegory for workers' rights as the broader movie is instead about the idea of authoritarianism and social panics themselves.

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Coffee and Donuts and Law and Order

A cook and a waitress at a local diner are married to two police officers who are also partners. Hilarity ensues somehow.

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Fratatouille

A sort of somewhat prequel to Ratatouille, about the invention of the Fat Darrell sandwich at the Grease Trucks at Rutgers University in New Jersey by a local rat manipulating a drunk, hungry college kid. It's all the more impressive because the college kid had a shaved head.

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A Thousand Year Wager

Two medieval merchants, disappointed that 1000 AD came and went without a second coming, make a wager to see whose descendants can make more money in the intervening 1000 years. The same two actors play their descendants through the years.

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Born on the Third [Sunday] of June

A Born on the Fourth of July parody in which the main character is born on Father's Day.

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Deliver Us from Cabo

The latest iteration of the frequently adapted Taming of the Shrew sees the Shakespearean comedy play out within a community of American expats living in Cabo San Lucas.

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Time EMS

The complimentary emergency services to the Time Cops. They mostly respond to time fires, time fender benders and the like.

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Keep Going Straight at Dushambe

An epic, 16 hour animated art film which is also a "Road to..." movie, wherein Bugs Bunny drags Daffy Duck from Tzeki to Tizek and back. Everywhere they go they experience the country through the most subversive satire possible in whatever country they're in. The film is voiced by native voice actors, who rotate as languages and dialect change. There are no subtitles.

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Regular Cops vs. Super Criminals

Not that complicated. Regular police occasionally manage to defeat insanely complex super villain type stuff.

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Angels In America: A Gay, Muppet Fantasia on National Themes

Sam Eagle is Roy Cohn.

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Three's a Company, Too

An experimental film that begins as a quirky, potentially LGBTQIA+-friendly romantic comedy, in which a woman has a crush on her boss, and her direct report has a crush on her, at a, uh, let's say generic tech company somewhere hip but unassuming enough that it can reasonably pass for Vancouver and/or Pittsburgh. As the film progresses, we see different aspects of the film stripped away, like a slow motion Dogville, or The Tragedy of Macbeth. Props disappear, and characters have to mime their usage. Backdrops and sets are removed, on-camera, during repeated, differing shots. But the love triangle beats of a rom com keep coming right on time, so one guy shows up to a date with flowers, only to have those flowers pulled out of his hand by the prop master before her door opens. Physically, the space begins to close in on the characters, forcing them into ever closer proximity- despite being in different scenes. Eventually the characters' costumes are removed, revealing hospital robes, pajamas, and grippy socks. They stop moving around, and all take seats in a circle, right at the climax of the film where she realizes she doesn't want to give up either man. They are in group therapy in a long-term psychiatric care facility. The three of them are very much in love. [Cue upbeat Pharrell Williams song.]

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Satan and His Minyans

Mel Brooks-style comedy: Satan is actually Jewish, and acts like it.

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Cliche: The Musical!

A play about making a movie about an improv troupe trying to raise money to save a rec center and hopefully give the improv team's towel boy (secretly an improv star in the making) his big break while also giving the improv team's coach/manager (himself a has been comic) his big comeback opportunity 

Potential dialogue: Jeff Jeff Jeff, the two Trents are doing "what if Hitler was deaf?" And you're telling me my "I was raped by a gun and forced by the state to carry it to term" sketch is somehow over the line?!

Perpetual absurdism until it becomes tiresome, like Salo. Dueling dramatic monologues, each with their own hype man/inner monologue, who begin dueling themselves, first verbally and then eventually physically over at what point two dueling monologues become a dialogue: either when one another's statements are inadvertently interlocking due to periodic dramatic pauses- where the two monologuers are unaware of one another's existence, OR if the two monologuers have to consciously decide to speak directly to one another outside of their respective scenes- regardless if they're talking out of the scenes but in character, or if they "break" character to interact... LIKE THE FIGHT THE TWO HYPE MEN ARE IN.

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Muppet Lady Godiva

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American Psycho Prequel

Set the week of the Wall Street crash of 1929.

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The Heart Is a Muscle, Too

A straight trainer who's too busy for a relationship posts a reel as a joke ad, and ends up signing up a bunch of lesbians all trying in various ways to court the trainer. 

Meanwhile, she hates the new regional protein powder rep for the gym's "recommended" brand because she thinks he's smarmy and insincere (until she finds out he left grad school- kinesiology of course, to take care of his aging body builder father.)

But they can't pursue a relationship because while the trainer isn't gay, she neither confirms or denies this to any of the media from which she's begun to attention, because even though it's a gym in Chicago in a gentrified neighborhood, she doesn't want anyone to think she's being coy by pretending to be a lesbian, but because the assumption was set well before she could even refute it, she thinks she'd get cancelled if it came out.

Then in a weird b-story, the lesbians who signed up start coupling up after meeting in the optional group training session the trainer holds (except for three of the new clients, who as it turns out are a wiccan coven, all of whom signed up unbeknownst to the other two in sort of a gift of the magi situation since they were also already in a poly lesbian relationship... along with a small, ace southeast Asian guy from central Georgia named Merle, who identifies as a furry bulldog, also named Merle.) Then everything comes back together when a bunch of the trainers exes all stop by the gym to let her know that they always knew she was secretly a lesbian, except her now entirely paired up lesbian clients in the group class all see that all her exes are guys (with only one or two of them catching on after the first guy, and a few more continuing to make excuses about how "ok, so what, she isn't a gold star, who cares?" until at the end it's only one woman who doesn't get it.) Oh, and the protein rep guy is there and while he thought they were on the same page and just being friends, he feels lied to as well because he likes her, knows she's single, and thinks she likes him too. She gets outed, apologizes to everyone, does some soul searching soundtracked to whoever is the current Michelle Branch or Lisa Loeb, eventually runs into the protein rep going to the gym for an optional group class that's been suspiciously empty recently. She apologizes again, he says some stuff that doesn't matter as long as his face is proportionate and nearly symmetrical (and he looks like the one guy on the college baseball team you'd actually trust to drive you home [not including the closeted gay catcher who's been in a committed long term relationship with a soccer player since seventh grade {and who's mortal terror at being outed to his teammates is only outmatched by his terror at the thought of people he loves accepting him, but still insisting on making "catcher" jokes for the rest of human existence.}]) Anyhow, before the two of them can say anything else, the lesbians all start showing up, both to say no hard feelings, and also to invite the trainer to their respective couple's weddings, since everyone's getting married (except for the wiccans, who are getting bound to one another, and Merle.) The guy says something cutesy about love, and she coyly mentions she's going to need a date for some weddings.

[FADE TO BLACK] [ROLL CREDITS]

[CUE SONG BY WHOEVER'S THE NEW/CHEAP PHARRELL]

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Get Him to the Turk

Get Him to the Greek, but Turkish.