Journal

inner monologue

[plume-tte]

I think I understand why people tell you love comes when you least expect it.

I’m 23 years old, and I’ve yet to have anyone express any romantic interest in me. I’ve never gone on a date, kissed someone special, or even held hands. And it hurts. A lot. I am constantly thinking something is wrong about me that keeps people away. That I’m falling behind all my peers as I lack common experiences and milestones someone of my age should, at least according to society, have experienced already.

Maybe I’m really ugly and my friends pity me too much to tell me. Maybe I’m a terrible person and people are too scared to let me know. Maybe I smell weird or act too energetic or speak too loud.

But, I also think I’m too obsessed with love. I read romance books, I watch romance movies, I listen to romantic music. Yet, there’s a difference between appreciating love vs. becoming obsessed in all the ways you are lacking in it.

The people who say, “it comes when you least expect it” might be on to something.

Because in all the time I’ve spent wasted on crying over loneliness, it could’ve been time spent loving myself. It’s not giving up on love to let it go. It’s letting it go, so that when it finds you again, you’ll be ready for it. One does not go out into a garden and wait for a singular flower to blossom, ignoring the rest of the opportunities around them in relentless pursuit of being desired.

So, I think it’s time I let go of chasing love.

Because, as the poets say, it’ll find me when I least expect it. And I’d rather spend my time in the present, enjoying my friends and the experiences I’m currently going through. Compared to sitting and waiting for a future that is unknown and unpromised. Sure, life could be better with a partner. But life can still be good with just me. I can still find new music, taste incredible food, make amazing memories with myself.

Then, if I ever get the opportunity to meet someone, I’ll have an abundance of life to share. And we can explore and continue growing together.

For so long, I considered myself unworthy of love, thinking I was not productive, perfect, or pretty enough for someone to desire. But I think in the chase for external validation of someone else, I’ve forgotten the parts of myself that are beautiful. I’ve forgotten that I don’t not have to prove my worth to feel love. I can just exist and that love will find me. I shouldn’t have to beg on my knees to have someone love me. I have friends, family, pets, and so much more.

But on top of that, I have myself. I can love myself. And I can love my life. And maybe one day, in all those small moments we deem unimportant, thats when I’ll meet someone. And that love can blossom, healthy and radient into something truly beautiful. And I won’t have to worry about not being enough, because I’ll already be there. Because I’ve always been enough. And being single or lonely doesn’t impact my value as a human, but rather reminds me there’s still so much to explore.

So yes, while it’s cheesy and repeated, I do think love will find you when you least expect it. And if it doesn’t, at least you still have an abundance of life to live through the time you spent cultivating it. Because your value is not tired to a person, your appearance, or your productivity. And we deserve to feel happy and loved in our lives, whether that comes from yourself depends entirely on you. So don’t wait to spend the next 50 years of your life hating yourself or wishing you were somewhere else or wishing you had someone else.

[plume-tte]

Sometimes I imagine the past to be little flower petals and each time I feel old emotions raising I have found out I have a choice.

I can sit here and let the petals overtake me. Continue to fill me until I am choking on petals and they clog my ears so I am unable to listen to any other thoughts other than those provided from the poisonous juice of the flowers stuck in my mouth.

Or I can let the petals go. I can imagine that when I open my palms or when laying in bed, that the petals came just float out of me. I don’t know where they go. But I always end up feeling lighter.

And maybe that’s all I am at the moment. Maybe I’ve just continued to fill my hunger with toxic petals instead of looking for sustenance elsewhere.

Maybe it’s time I find a new flower to eat.

One that will support my growth.

[plume-tte]

Sometimes I want to rip my skin off and cut my body in two so I can reach into my soul and take it out like a surgeon would remove a bad organ.

[plume-tte]

What good is livin’ the life you’ve been givin’ if all you do is stand in one place?

- lord heron, ends of the earth

[plume-tte]

I’m a cardboard box. Or am I? I have this thing that rattled inside me. Something made of glass. Something beautiful.

But the warehouse forgot my fragile sticker. And life hasn’t been kind.

The bumps in the back of the truck send me for a trip. But I’m packed so tightly between my family that it doesn’t bother me much. Sometimes the delivery man drops me. It’s not his fault that I’m too heavy. Sometimes I get left out in the rain. But it’s peaceful out here. It might be cold and lonely, but at least I’m at peace. No one can hurt me.

As I wait for my delivery to be complete, a sense of dread fills me.

What if I’m too broken to be loved?

[plume-tte]

I feel like a puppy left out on the side of the road.

Waiting for my family to come back.

Waiting for someone to come pick me up and tell me, that I’m a good person, and that I’m worthy for such a love.

But instead I was left out on the streets to fend for myself. I grew bitter and angry knowing only abandonment. Scared of the world.

“I’m not a bad dog. I don’t know why I bite.”

[plume-tte]

How can I be surrounded by so much love and still feel like I’m on the other side of the glass looking in

[plume-tte]

I am my own worst enemy. I refuse to let myself be great in fear of what other people will think of me. Despite my talent. Despite my passion. Despite my hard work. If it means a spotlight is put on my head, I will not allow myself to show my true potential. I am the best self-sabotager you will ever meet.

[plume-tte]

I think I just want to fall back into the abyss.

The black velvet-lined bottomless pit seems more comforting than the life I have now.

Full of uncertainty, anxiety, loneliness.

The dark has never left me lonely. It has always welcomed me back into its razor claws. Keeping me safe within the bars of my enclosure. I might not be free but life if predictable. It’s mindless.

There is no worries of whether people like me or if I’m not doing enough.

It is soundless. Thoughts are muffed by the gushing icy water filling my head.

Here, I can focus only on me. I can take my own time. I can lose myself in the clutches of ambition with no one else to lose. There are no friends. There is no family.

It’s me and my keeper alone in this black cage.

And I think it’s better this way.

[plume-tte]

It’s supposed to snow tonight. The weather app says 1-3 inches.

I wish it was more.

I wish it was a whiteout blizzard.

I would go outside and sit in the snow. Admire the nothingness and fullness at the same time. The howling wind and cold flakes that bring along the unique snow crystals and beautiful scenery.

I wish the wind could pick me up. Carry me through the storm like I’m weightless. Where I could be nothing and everything at the same time. The underlying rage and anxiety I constantly feel deep inside coupled with the beautiful on my outwards appearance that is constantly on show.

I’m so overwhelmed. Just like my car would be as is piled underneath inches and inches and feet of snow.

I wish I was buried in the snow.

The quietness only achieved in death yet I’d still be breathing. Just away from prying eyes and social expectations.

The weather app only says a winter storm watch. But I wish it was a warning. That it was coming.

An unstoppable force where we sit in both terror and awe as it falls and crashes outside the windows.

I wish I was a snow storm. But instead of filling my life with riches like the crystals outside I’m melting in a consonant state of paralysis and panic that leaves me only wishing.

Wishing for change. Wishing for rage. Wishing for more.

Wishing for me.

[plume-tte]

Every year I tell myself I won’t cry on my birthday.

And every year I am incorrect.

Because I want people to celebrate me the way I celebrate them.

But it never happens.

Im not sure if it’s because of me being me. And no one actually likes me. Or if I’m too emotionless on the outside that they don’t recognize the thoughts I have on the inside. Or if they just don’t like birthdays in general and I have nothing to do with it.

But either way

I still get birthday blues

[b-courageous1010]

Day 13: DUST model of procrastination 

The DUST model of procrastination helps us understand and identify reasons that we might be procrastinating. The model suggests that there are 4 common ways people procrastinate.  

Difficult: you may find the task too challenging.  

Lack of confidence  

Lack of skills 

Solution: Move the starting point a bit earlier. Clearly define the first step, commit to it, and do not create a list of pre-tasks.   

I've wanted to commit to the second brain concept for over a year, but I started last month. I struggled with understanding the concept because I was overthinking it. I made it out to be this challenging task and did extensive research because I lacked the skills to commit. Updating my second brain consistently has not been as challenging as I thought.   

Unclear: the task maybe unclear defined  

In order to be productive we need clearly defined actions. Sometimes we procrastinate because we don’t understand or because we just don’t know where it start.  

Solution: Make your tasks more detailed and break them down into simple, actionable, clearly defined items   

I'm dealing with this at work currently. In addition to my routine assignments, we have this list of side projects we would like to work on throughout the year to ensure we update what we need and find new areas where our processes can improve. I procrastinated on starting a few of them, not because they were difficult but because I needed to figure out where to start. I met with my manager to better understand how to tackle them, and I was able to outline how I would do it.   

Scary: Our fear of failure can get in the way.  

The biggest changes we want to make and the most exciting projects we want to work on are the most daunting.  

Procrastination is a way to stay in your comfort zone  

Solution: create an even bigger fear to triumph over the original one   

This is the one that usually bites me the most, especially when learning something new or given a new task. I know that I can't grow in my comfort zone, but at the same time, I struggle with the fear of failure. However, my fear of stagnancy is far greater than my fear of failure. I prefer to try and fail than to not try and stay in the same place.   

Tedious: tasks can just be boring  

There is no way to change the nature of the task itself, but you can change your environment  

Solution: Listen to a playlist while writing the email, or reward yourself when the task is done to make it more exciting  

This is another one that bites me wrong, especially when crafting emails. 75% of my day is spent crafting emails which sometimes feels like pulling teeth and just playing boring. To combat this, I carve out time in the morning to send tedious emails while listening to upbeat music.  

Procrastination is natural; it could also be how our body and mind tell us we need a break. If you feel you procrastinate, whether because it's complicated, unclear, scary, tedious, or a combination of all four reasons, it's good to ask yourself why and apply simple strategies to tackle the problem head-on.   

[samxcamargo]

Book: Night Drives 💗

[being-addie]

Stop sleeping on yourself.

Say it with me. STOP👏SLEEPING👏ON👏YOURSELF👏.

What are you doing? Scrolling through TikTok and Instagram first thing in the morning? Staring at your dreams through pixels, when you could be living them? You know what has to be done to achieve it, but you'll never get it if you keep making excuses.

You want a better body? Eat cleaner and go to the gym REGULARLY.

You want clearer skin? Start and MAINTAIN a consistent skincare routine?

You want to be good at playing guitar? Play a little bit EVERY DAY.

You want to get into that college? Put in the hours of study that are NEEDED.

All those people who you see and get jealous of didn't get there in one day. They worked on themselves constantly. They got there through sheer persistence and consistency. You don't become better magically. You TAKE ACTION.

Discipline is a skill you cultivate, it's not a talent. I wake up at 5:30 in the morning EVERY DAY because I made myself get out of bed when my alarm went off. I'm getting good at Spanish, because I do my lessons EVERY DAY, without fail. I'm getting the body of my dreams because I make conscious choices to be healthy EVERY DAY.

I've been seeing self-help advice like "Oh, just be confident!" "Love yourself the way you are!"

Yeah, no shit, but it's hard to be confident when you don't feel good in your own skin. If it's something that can't be changed, acceptance will take time. But if it's something that YOU can change, why aren't you doing that? The gym is right around the corner, you don't need 20 more minutes of Netflix or TikTok. Stop making excuses for a lazy version of yourself.

You deserve better. And only you can get yourself the best things if you stop staying passive and make real changes to your life.

I know this isn't like my usual posts, but I had this revelation about 2 nights ago and while being soft with yourself is good and all, you need to mentally snap yourself out of choosing the easy way out.

Work on yourself, and everything will work out.

🦋Work on yourself, and everything will work out🦋

xoxo

[remanence-of-love]

[remanence-of-love]

[thoughtkick]

“My darling girl, when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.”

— Practical Magic