Therapy for trauma: enter at own risk.
the gush of a stream (raging river more like it) of bad life decisions, to remind me why I fight hard to keep the other people who live in me at bay.
The one who wrote the above:
I always keep her hushed,
but at moments when the beasts are restless,
she comes up gasping for air.
when they finally open their core to expose that maggoted wound.
They are given no other option but to confront
the omitted detail from 10 years of carefully avoiding the detailed depth of her darkness came out to be tested.
maybe another consequence of childhood became apparent in avoidance behaviour? or repeating old patterned that took me away from confronting my demon.
or maybe it took that long to dig through the “presenting problem”
either way, what i had left to hide behind,
went away March this year.
never again do I ignore the intuition.
who reacted to my pain in a way that painted him a common sociopath,
denied me of the right to tell my truth,
then replaying the patterned schematic sequence,
to enact inevitable re-traumatization.
but I am driven to make it through.
at any cost after making it this far.
I am told, the hardest part was over.
ending after I went back to confront the the-rapist
even after I found a new therapist in the midst of my breakdown
who provided support and empathy and a technique called “brain spotting” ( a form of EMDR)
I thought I could transfer the problem to him. and never go back to the other again, but after 5 times of seeing the new, information-packed, educated, up-to-date, trauma-informed therapist I kept finding myself arguing with the one prior
who lit the blazing fire.
why could he rent a place in my brain?
when he had not even been aware of the gore, blood
after bleeding the membrane and going deeper than deep.
vicious, violent, volcano
deep in the fire and ice-ocean.
if it kept internally tormenting me eight months later.
Additionally, studying and training to be a therapist myself I knew the truth and confronting him would be the key to liberty,
Thi was a neural pathway recoding exercise bc old me would be the kind to run and hide and avoid avoid avoid.
he claimed denial, unaware the implication of what he did.
apologized over and over for, about 7 times
for the thing he didn’t even notice
neglecting my wounded child.
when the damage was done.
the month, upon, month forgotten
after months left in amnesia,
mending, descending to my own demise.
to avoid inflicting the final ending.
ending of: the end: I mean of my life
I cannot perceive whether it is a tool for good, helpful for the resurrection of all the dead little girl lost, who lived in me. or another attempt at a fellow human destroying me.
And doesn’t he know about how hard it was to even open up?
I never learnt to trust people to begin,
let alone believe them by the words they utter
action reveals the reality.
behaviour always revealing a person true motivation.
Made lore for a human cannot convey things to me via word alone.
WORDS = no indication of truth
If he had read the timeline,
then they never have been worth a penny.
Him telling me “he didn’t mean it” meant nothing.
only made it more alienating.
The real learning experience from this was:
and ALWAY rely on your flawless intuition.
I learnt to battle the dark
not final, but finite enough that I can now trust who I am,
but even then he dared question
for when i came back he brought up the false memory fallacy,
repeating the inoculation of
the indoctrinated evil coverup of the book of the black lie: by pulling a
ralph underwager on me, imitating the dirty paedophile defender.
he took the darkest pieces of me
buried under the organ that resides
simplify divided part upon part,
while I faced academic information that contradicted what he had done,
why can I not find help or support?
and couldn’t even configure how to enact once automated daily decisions.
console and weep hoarded pain held for what felt like aeons
and reprogram from the rancid torment flooding into my limbic system.
at the end of her tether.
does that look like a person who made this up?
He then tried to tell me that.
perception told me he indicated i lied.
i couldn’t believe he had that audacity,
he had no idea what I’d done to endure what he triggered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW HE TOLD ME, I WAS MAKING UP FICTION.
after I had fought tooth and nail to even FIRST spill my gut.
CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
and he repeated the parental rejection,
a training student can see,
that he had taken the cold, calculated modality
like I hadn’t done that to my self
put it back on the shelf too high
the children cannot reach
the attic chamber for my deepest portions of being
hidden locked and obscure memories,
frightening and far out of normal range,
but then at the same time too vague and somatic,
and early in infancy to even be “fully” retrieved,
let alone even articulated to another.
how I had stored them back in that box
how I hoped they were not real
for then I would not be forced to deal
i had the yield of reaping
I QUESTIONED THE FABRIC OF MY OWN LIFE
then regret not listening to my intuition.
it had been a thing recurrent
since I had been FIRST been aware what happened was me being abused
I was fucking tired of it now,
Imagine finding notebook after notebook
worse they were all different.
painting a picture of the vacant moment.
but clear to everyone else that there is action taken during the time I cannot remember,
handwriting and parts I could not remember no matter how much I tried
how would you feel if you found a thing hanging in your closet you have no memory of buying
but repeatedly since you could get clothes of your own.
debt and penny devoid of buying random things
and got in trouble constantly
for action/rule breaking/crime you did not even remember committing.
bullied for the painful thing put through
yet you paid penance for this.
even eerier is when you cannot recognize your own self
you find on an iPad of the guy you are dating
but instantly break into tyranny when you accuse him of being unfaithful,
and now you are raging accusing him of everything under the sun
bc you can’t even recognize your own picture
you cannot even tell it is your vessel
from a day dimmed from your mind?
not the only time you failed to realize what you looked like.
written in handwriting unfamiliar
finding presents, in a weird way
the authenticity of the reality of my entire life?
but once i had endured the pain
BUT rather than be there to help
how did he think I’d feel/think/perceive that?
or general for all of the clients.
I cannot even open that document
he was not present for what the aftermath of that laborious event
that began the moment I hit the Send button.
HOW dare challenge the trauma
by insinuating that I WOULD LIE.
that hurt more than all else for he cannot know how deep the core run?
how he tried to take that from me,
and i’m not letting him take that,
for he cannot take the truth.
he better not try to deny my inner fire.
I’m faithful to how well I am at journeying into recovery,
BUT he tells me now I’m too well read,
too educated for my own good
how did he think I survived this?
educating self on how to heal?
how else are we meant to navigate?
the force that hid in the ribcage
yet he tells me my high IQ is responsible for my limitations?
I CANNOT MAKE ANY LOGIC FROM THE NONSENSICAL
although it is HARD to write all of this.
I made the fatal mistake,
I did not hear what my intuition told me.
the conclusions from the poorly executed,
and carelessly handled homework given by a (the-rapist) made the whole year vanish.
The fight to incorporate all my mind, body, soul.
Integration maketh dissociation go away.
The problem?I am left alone to do the work, for incompetent Orchestra in harmony, The choir of our inner world to be purged, after living bound by ancient tombed prophecy.
All kept under strict lock and key.No more
The fight to incorporate all my mind, body, soul.
paid off now I realize that:
Integration maketh dissociation go away.
But it has not been a breeze, more akin to a tornado.
I am left alone to do the work.
I found many LOST parts of my own core wounded but ready to help me through.
Tired of the continual conscious coordination of the part inside coming together in union and melody.
made harder and more of a chore now,
from jagged daggers found
ground into crumbling china,
SHATTERED, tattered, remnants fallen from the once immaculate crockery cabinet.
conducting the orchestra in harmony,
only for the choir of our inner world to be purged.
goodbye to the inner world.
people can only meet me af far
as they know their own self.
He might be in pain and denial
and hiding from his own childhood/boyhood/infancy truth.
he denied that it hurt him like it hurt me,
his trauma hidden and rumbling woken
meaning he lies without remorse
either he is heart devoid, cunning and evil?
rarely, I cannot read people, but he is rogue.
bc i pushed through destruction
IN A WAY I AM REPULSED AT.
it showed how masochistic i can be.
but i’d never recommend it.
if i did not find the entire
and play out an old habit
the inclination to do even prior to the moment i get hurt.
more than I can say of him.
janainaart
snowghoul
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
annaxmalina
jacobvanloon
dailybridgerton
germansingergirl