I love the curse, man. Love it. I've got the best middle class upbringing and safety net ya could ask for. I have one rough year as a kid, and slowly I lose more and more of communication skills and ability to connect with peers. I finally start getting out of the hole because of someone, and it turns out they only wanted me as a thing. I keep getting better but the only thing I hear is "I'm not worried about you" from professors while my parents go back and forth between that and how I might not be able to live on my own. And meanwhile I just can't keep up with friends, so every few years I get left behind. I try. I really do. It's just never fast enough. 3.95 and I so fucking slow in everything but an assignment.
Like yayyy, I'm finally able to give a presentation for the most part and I chat/small talk with professors and classmates. But every Eboard meeting everyone is talking about stuff they decided on I never heard, I hear always about them hanging out with each other for fun things, and so on. I know it's a factor of me just being too slow, but if the work doesn't get done it doesn't get done. It just takes so much time, man. I don't have much left between it and class. I try when I can, but I can tell I'm just not making it.
I kept trying to be an optimist for the longest time. I needed to stop being the doomerist derpressed thing and making a new friend way back then was my rethink on everything. Maybe I'd get places, maybe I'd be the goof I wanted to be. But this year I just can't be deulsional with that happy anymore.
I just want to make shit a small group of people like while I'm out in the woods away from everything. I was making progress on both that and my portfolio.
But I've gotten weird pains in the torso and back. Random foods just suddenly affect me awfully painfully. The brain fog is getting too much. I'm dizzy and my brain just blanks sometimes. I keep getting pains in the arm and chest. Everything seems like the web, my industry, and a lot of things are just not going to be in a few years.
I spent so much of my life being the perfect kid, and now college student, so I'd never have to be yelled at ever again. I wish I'd been some delinquet. I don't think I'm making to 30, and dammit I've lived for nothing and I'm too well-trained of a dog to rebel at this point.
I should see someone for all the shit I've got going on. But they're just going to say it's stress or some "in ya head" shit anyway. I just stopped mentioning it to the therapist. Most this work the past 4 years, all crumbling away.
I tried, I swear I did. I'm tired of getting knocked down for trying my best, doing what's expected of me.
At least with whatever's fucked me up, if it is actually something, it won't make me do the work to take me out. Suppose I'll just keep being everybody's fucking obedient little dog until I go. It's not like there's a personality under it after all these years.
