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austenchanted

mr collins’ top 3 reasons for wanting to get married

1. i gotta set a good example for the people

2. it will make ME happy

3. lady catherine told me to

ray-au-barca

And perhaps he should've mentioned the third one first since it's the most important.

obscurelittlebird

What the Bennet family is doing during quarantine...

- Mrs. Bennet would be panicking.

- Mr. Bennet will have locked himself in his library by day 2.

- Jane is making WAY too much tea.

- Lizzie is sneaking out every morning to get her walk in and hanging in her father’s library reading to him.

- Mary knows everything there is to know about the virus, and won’t stop talking about it.

- Kitty is coughing which is causing Mrs. Bennet to panic even more.

- Lydia is complaining about not being able to see the officers.

BONUS:

- Darcy isn’t impacted. He hasn’t left his house in mon– weeks… He hasn’t left his house in weeks.

- Bingley is speed walking laps around Netherfield because he’s worried about Jane and in desperate need of socialization and movement.

linebetween

- Mr Collins is going on about the most excellent quarantine measures taken by his esteemed patroness Lady Catherine De Bourgh to anyone who will listen to him.

misscrawfords

- Georgiana Darcy is embroidering masks and giving them out for free to people in Lambton

- Caroline and Louisa have started a podcast showing off their cute quarantine arts and crafts and advising people to see lockdown as an “opportunity for personal development and space in the midst of a chaotic world”

- Charlotte Collins is doing the shopping for vulnerable parishioners and volunteering at a foodbank

- Colonel Fitzwilliam is a key worker and writes a humorous (but angry) blog about life on the front line

- Sir William Lucas is continuously creating more and more extravagant activities to do at 8pm on Thursdays and then shames any neighbours not involved in clapping

- Mrs Bennet, Lady Lucas and Mrs Long have a competition for who can clap the longest

- Wickham has broken quarantine several times for boinking reasons and now cases have spiked in Meryton. One of the tradesmen’s daughters he was with now has a very sick grandmother

- Anne de Bourgh has the virus despite not having left the house for weeks. Lady Catherine seems immune. “I have not had the virus, but had I been infected, I would have shaken it off instantly.”

ray-au-barca

Why is this so accurate 😂

wilmonluvrs-deactivated20231104

mr. darcy after touching elizabeth’s hand to help her into the carriage

sike-n

when jane austen said there is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. i have no notion of loving people by halves; it is not my nature. my attachments are always excessively strong me and my big ole kind heart that has been abused many times felt that to its core

lizzibennet

i rly cannot go a week without going feral over jane austen huh. was born without the capacity of going batshit over her. she says “women have rich and interesting internal lives and i will write about and for them” and “love is important and aspiring to it is okay, however it should not be your defining feature” and “it’s okay to be a little childish or to be wrong as long as you are willing to better yourself” and “even after heartbreak and sorrow, you still are and will always be deserving of love” and i will be like !!!!!! MISS AUSTEN!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS

glossynympheteyes

this movie is so fucking creepy jesus fuck

dumpster-king

It’s by Tim Burton, what did you honestly expect?

porcelainandgold

Actually, it’s Henry Selick, who was the director of The Nightmare Before Christmas. The book was written by Neil Gaiman, though, and is far…far….worse.

whatpunkin

Sorry, I’m about to geek the hell out.

The movie is captivating, but the book is twenty kinds of terrifying, even now, ten years after I first read it. As disturbing as the movie may have been to some, the things Selick added really serve to cushion just how horrific the story really is.

First of all, the character of Wybie does not exist in the book. Coraline is facing all of this nearly alone, with her only help coming from the sly comments of the cat, a warning from the circus mice, and the stone given to her by her neighbor, presented with no comment but that it “makes the unseen seen.”

Second, the Other Parents are never quite as warm (and, dare I say, normal) as they are in the gifs above. They’re described as having paper-white skin and the Other Mother’s hair is said to move on its own, and her long, red, claw-like nails don’t ease any uncertainty that she is absolutely, positively up to no good. The first time Coraline meets them, they (and the rest of the Others) seem to be playing roles (for whatever reason, Coraline does not seem to pick up on this), like they all know what to say and what to do and are simply waiting for Coraline to make her move in their terrifying play world. This is shown to be partly true when the Other Parents tell her they know she’ll be back soon after she refuses the buttons - this time, to stay.

Third, the Other Mother commits atrocities that really should not have been in a book for anyone not fully grown up. She physically deforms the world around Coraline to slow her progress in their game beyond any mild traps the movie portrays, and, instead of turning the Other Father into the wandering pumpkin-thing seen in the film, she simply ceases to use him and throws his body away in the cellar, leaving him to rot with whatever bit of sentience he has left. She begins to lose her touch, as Coraline gains the upper hand. Her world doesn’t just become a nightmare - it falls apart completely. No creepy but oddly cool bug furniture here, just the house that now appears to be a child’s drawing. Whatever the Other Mother is (a beldame, but something tells me she’s much more ancient and powerful than that), she does not give half a hump about what she has to do to ensnare Coraline. Destroy the supporting characters of her twisted creation? Done. Allow herself to be dismembered to ruin Coraline’s life in the normal world? Not even gonna bat an eyelash.

On a final, personal note, imagine eight year-old me, ignored by my parents, absorbed in the story and identifying with Coraline from the start. Imagine me finishing this bloodcurdling book and immediately thinking of my basement, where there is still a locked door that my grandmother swears up and down is nothing more than a storage room, but has not once in my (or my mother’s) lifetime unlocked.

Can you see why this book still scares me?

hematite2

Fun fact I learned from seeing neil gaiman speak: when he first wanted the book published, his editor said it was too scary. He suggested she read it to her young daughter, and then decide. So she did, and her daughter wasn’t afraid, and it was published. Years later, Gaiman was sitting next to that daughter at an event and told her this story, and she said “oh I was terrified I just didn’t want to tell my mom”.

Coraline WAS too scary to be published, but exists anyway because a girl lied to her mother.

petrichormeraki

feyariel

@neil-gaiman, is this true about the publisher’s daughter?

neil-gaiman

It was my literary agent, Merrilee Heifetz who read it and said “you can’t seriously expect this to be published as a children’s book.” So I suggested she read it to her daughters. And she called me back a week later and said “They love it and they weren’t scared at all. I’ll take it to Harper Children’s.”

A decade later, at the Opening Night of the Coraline musical, I was sitting next to Morgan, Merilee’s youngest daughter, and told her how her not being scared had made the book happen. And she said “I was terrified. But I needed to find out what happened next. So nobody knew.”

So, yes.

ray-au-barca

Coraline, the book that shouldn't have existed but does because a little girl wanted to know what happens next despite being terrified.

lesbianshepard

"This is my cat Missy. It's short for Missile Launcher."

satirizing

i just want to say this is 1) excellent and 2) not uncommon…i work at a vet clinic and some of the names are so fuckin weird but i love it???? clients will be like “we call her stevie. it’s short for death metal steve” or “this is turkey but his LEGAL name is scarecrow jones” thank u

snakewife

For a good time, go through the notes on this post.

ray-au-barca

Everything about this post is perfect

better-positive-memes

chubbycattumbling

VERY TRUE!!!!

ray-au-barca

Yes.

dreadianz

isn’t rick and morty that thing you get when you die and your body gets all stiff

rasec-wizzlbang-blog

No, thats rigor mortis

rick and morty is a type of tube-shaped pasta

pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird

You’re thinking of rigatoni

rick and morty is a numbering system that ranks earthquakes based on seismograph oscillations

anxietyforest

no, youre thinking of richter scale.

rick and morty is the pixar movie about a rat who wants to learn how to cook among humans

unicorn--prince

nah, thats ratatouille

rick and morty is the rich kid from fairly odd parents

bonethievery

That’s Remy Buxaplenty,

Rick and Morty is when you send somone a link or a video and “Never Give You Up” plays

cofaqriqus

you’re thinking of Rickrolling

Rick and Morty is the 1893 short story by Rudyard Kipling about a young mongoose

mccoppinscrapyard

no, that’s Rikki Tikki Tavi…

Rick and Morty is a Latin-American pop star best known for “Livin’ La Vida Loca”

ineggshellblue

No, that’s Ricky Martin.

Rick and Morty is the packaged rice mix that comes in different flavors and is called “the San Francisco treat”.

unanimousredundancy

No, that’s Rice a Roni

Rick and Morty is the term for a lengthy and complicated procedure

edgebug

No, that’s a rigamarole.

Rick and Morty is a two or three-wheeled passenger cart.

yaaaaaaaaaaay555-deactivated201

anyone in this thread smoke weed

ray-au-barca

It just keeps getting better

cavernario-galindo

😳😳 😫😫😢😢🤧

cavernariog

normalbeast-downformaintenance

As an autistic boy, I approve.

ruby-white-rabbit

GIVE HIM THE NUT BUTTER FOR LIIIIIFE

board-mama

Hes getting his peanut butter for life!

thatautisticadhdfeel

Instead of putting shitty blue logos on products and donating to A$, companies should support autistic people with lifetime supplies of our samefoods

everyone-loves-purple

Bean got his peanut butter and this is the best thing to ever happen on twitter

mourning--star-deactivated20210

This is The Only Post. We now are here solely for Bean getting his peanut butter

hilarioushumorfromouterspace

alisonzai

bee real, my senior thesis

ray-au-barca

THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL I’M SOBBING

im-god-now-fight-me-deactivated

I would like to add some of my favorites.

averruncusho

Candace is a state of mind

im-in-way-2many-fandoms

Growing up I always thought Candace was an overdramatic version of what being a teenager was like but no. It was dead on and still applies today

cromchychipdip

I Might Have Found A Discrepancy In The Shrek Universe.

So you know how in Shrek 2 during the most amazing cover of all time Mongo was born?

Yeah. Well, I was curious to see how long it would take to actually bake, cool, decorate, and make alive a Mongo in real life. Would Shrek and Gingy have enough time to save Fiona from Prince Charming and the Fairy Godmother with Mongo at their side?

Here’s how I figured it out.

So Shrek is originally seven feet tall.

But when he takes the Happily Ever After potion, he shrinks a bit. Let’s say… a foot. Shrek is now six feet tall. That’s a good, measurable number. I drew it out in proportion to Mongo here:

So from his shoulder to his mouth, Mongo is about six feet (I added a bit extra here because Shrek is bent over a little because giant gingerbread monster footsteps can be jarring and you need to brace your body for impact). Now, I couldn’t find a full body picture or character model of Mongo, but I could find one of Gingy. They do have the same proportions.

Here’s the model I used. He’s a bit bent, but I made do. Using MS Paint again, I measured about six feet on this model if it were Mongo sized.

Now using the line tool, I measured the space between the two lines and made new lines according to where the space ended. Here’s the final result:

So this is about 12 lines worth of space. The top of his head didn’t make it another six feet, so let’s say it’s three feet. Plug 12.5 and 6 into the calculator in and…

Mongo is 75 feet tall. Add that to your fan wikis.

Now let’s look at Gingy’s size. We need to know how many Gingies make a Mongo. Looking at the picture again, Gingy is a little smaller than Shrek’s head.

So if we look up the size of the average head, we get…

About nine inches. Let’s just say nine. Nine inches is 0.75 feet.

It takes 100 Gingies to make one Mongo. Assuming Gingy is the same size as an average gingerbread man that Muffin Man makes, let’s assume further and say he’s an average gingerbread man.

I found this snip from this recipe by the Food Network. Since Gingy is nine inches tall, we need to tweak this a bit.

If my calculations are correct and I’m not a fool, each batch makes four cookies. We would need 25 batches to make a Mongo. That’s 75 cups flour, 25 teaspoons baking soda, 18 ¾ teaspoons ground cinnamon and ground ginger, 12 ½ teaspoons ground allspice, ground cloves, and salt, 6 ¼ teaspoon milled black pepper (for whatever reason), 25 sticks of butter, 6 ¼ cups of room temperature vegetable shortening, 12 ½ cups packed light brown sugar, 16 2/3 cups of molasses, and 25 large eggs! Jesus, now the Muffin Man’s in crippling debt. And that’s just the cookie part!

Assuming this humble, gentle soul makes his own icing, he would need 25 pounds of confectioners’ sugar, 50 tablespoons of dried egg-white powder he would have to dry himself, and 150 tablespoons of water. I feel so sorry for this man.

Not to mention, Far Far Away can’t possibly sell gumdrops that big, so he’d have to melt them down, build a giant bowl of some sort, wait for them to solidify, take them out as to not damage them, and sprinkle sugar on them before animating his giant, expensive monster.

The melting point of gumdrops, I could not find. But I assume they have a slightly higher melting point than, say syrup sap. And it might also stick horrifically to any pan. So we need an open flame, like a bonfire, and we need it hot enough to melt the gumdrops inside of a big enough bowl. Something like pictured here from Little House In The Big Woods:

So we would need one or two of these set up. Thankfully, our boy Muffin Man lives in a place with quite a few trees.

They are a little ways off, though. Chopping one down, getting chains to propel the pot up, and starting a dangerously hot fire as well as stirring quite close to it would take for ever. And melting that many gumdrops would take forever. So would cooling them.

Now onto the actual bake time. Shrek does take place in what I presume to be Midevil Germany, judging by the architecture, clothing, and art style in the books. Though it has many modern conveniences, such as fast food and concert lighting/sound systems.

So I assume that even a somewhat seemingly poor/lower middle class single baker dude can afford a good oven. Let’s say this type of oven.

Now this is a pretty small oven. How could Muffins possibly create a 75-foot gingerbread man with this small of an oven? It’s impossible. He would have to bake him piece by piece, then somehow paste him all together. And he wouldn’t see a single penny of his back breaking work! Shrek never paid him, and Mongo ended up a soggy mess in the bottom of a river anyway, so all of that time, energy, money, work was all for nothing!

And no, I’m not acknowledging Shrek The 3rd.

Anyway suppose he did paste Mongo piece by piece. How long would it take for him to bake each piece? Let’s look at his model again.

Splitting up the model into head, upper torso, mid torso, left and right arm/hand/leg/shin/foot, and lower torso, we get something like this:

These can sit in the oven more easily. If we break it in half it would be easier.

There we go. If we make twice the amount of icing we need, then we can paste him back together, like Humpty Dumpty.

Wait…

It’s almost as if Dreamworks wanted someone to do this. Huh.

Anyway, going back to the Food Network recipe. How long does it take for a Mongo to cook? According to the article, it’s about ten minutes. So let’s just say ten minutes. Multiply that by 25, you’ve got 250 minutes in the oven, or a little over four hours to bake an entire Mongo.

It takes 5 minutes to cool a batch. so that’s 150 minutes, or a little over two hours. That’s six hours to bake and cool a Mongo.

So about saving Fiona…

It’s not happening. An oven like the one Muffins has cannot be hot enough to bake it and make it cook enough to not burn nor be raw in enough time to still get to the castle and save Fiona. Especially after mixing each batch, making the giant gumdrops, icing gluing, giving life, baking time, and cooling time. Just by estimating, mixing all that stuff together could take, like, an hour at the most. Plus the gumdrop issue; I wouldn’t be surprised if it took two and a half hours. Don’t forget giving Mongo life. I would expect another two and a half hours since an electric spark of Mary Shelly proportions can be made in a somewhat modern home with the right equipment, but Muffins probably has to make/go out to get the right equipment. (That’s how I remember Mongo being alive correct me if I’m wrong).

Add all of that up, and that’s 12 hours.

TWELVE HOURS.

That’s over 202 times of playing Shrek’s cover of “I Need A Hero.” That’s like playing Shrek 2 in full over eight times. Basically, Fiona is doomed and Shrek should have used a carriage ordering service.

TLDR; Shrek 2 is impossible and Mongo takes a lot of time and effort to make.

cromchychipdip

Why tf does this not have any notes I spent four hours of vitamin water-fueled procrastination on this and not a shred of acknowledgement. Unbelievable.