I think it would be so funny if Octavian never realized Nico was Greek. Like the boy practically fooled both camps, and he has a seat in the SENATE! Octavian’s power comes from manipulating the Senate. So of course he’s going to try and get close to the son of Pluto. Not only that, but Nico can control the Lares. Which means he could TECHNICALLY sway the votes in his favor by controlling the Lares. However, after joining the Argo II, and after countless near death experiences…He eventually learns that Nico is Greek by none other than Percy himself
Percy: Yeah I have met Nico on multiple occasions
Octavian: I thought you’ve never met him before
Percy: No, he lied about knowing me. I was the one that brought him to Camp Half Blood. He’s a Greek, and the son of Hades
Mulan AU where she does get caught by the other fresh recruits while she's bathing but Mushu helps her spin it like the lake is cursed by an evil lizard demon and will turn men into women if they stay in it for too long.
From there it's not actually difficult to get the other soldiers onboard with covering up the fact that poor Ping took one for the team and got afflicted by the vagina curse, especially since it would have been all of them if they hadn't gotten the warning ahead of time. So they agree to help him cover it up, because obviously the army's not going to understand.
Shang is... tentatively glad that the men are bonding and getting along, even if they continue to be deeply weird about it.
Mulan: Uh, what boobs? Huh? Where did these come from?
Mushu: *facepalms and thinks quickly* (speaks from the shadows) I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE LAKE! BEWARE MY CURSED WATERS FOR THEY WILL TURN MEN INTO WOMEN!
Ling, Yao, and Chien Po: Oh no! The spirit of the cursed waters!
Shang: ...is this why you've all been insisting we don't camp anywhere that doesn't have a lake.
Shang: and then none of you actually swim in it.
Shang: and you all keep jumping at shadows.
Shang: wait a second Ping did this happen before or after you became insanely good at fighting?
Shang: did you get better at fighting after you became a woman.
Shang: are women better at fighting than us.
Mulan: ....uh. well. maybe? no one's ever tried to find out.
Yao: [thinking very fast] y'know Captain it's just so hard to find recruits these days.
Chien Po: Real shortage of men.
Ling: Lots of women, though.
Mulan: [catching on] Without marriage prospects.
Shang: You're right, men. The spirits must have done this in order to show us that we should be recruiting women as fighters.
Mushu [from the shadows, seeing an opportunity to do the funniest thing]: EXACTLY, LI SHANG. I HAVE TRANSFORMED PING INTO A WOMAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO LONG OVERLOOKED THE TRUE WAY TO WIN THE WAR.
Mulan [seeing an opportunity to get all the stories straight]: O Great Spirit, is it reversible?
Mushu: WHY WOULD YOU WISH TO REJECT MY GIFT? I HAVE SEEN YOUR HEART, CHILD, AND HAVE ALREADY ALTERED THE MEMORIES OF EVERYONE WHO KNEW YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR THE ARMY. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THEIR DAUGHTER.
Li Shang: Welp, the spirits have spoken. Ping - wait is your name still Ping if you're a woman now?
Mulan: Uh. Actually, I was thinking of renaming myself. How do you feel about Mulan?
BONUS:
Mulan [climbing out of the eleventh lake the men have arranged for her to swim in]: Yeah no, it didn't work. Still got boobs. [tries to appear dejected].
Chien Po: If it makes you feel better, they're very nice boobs.
rachel and percy being classmates freshman year at Goode High has got to be the funniest concept ever 💀 i mean come on guys. literally the most stereotypical duo ever. daughter of a billionaire + stepson of one of the teachers, they probably got away with doing crazy shit 24/7. percy showing up late to class all the time because of monsters and being like. the typical trouble kid with failing grades and dyslexia and adhd and 'obedience problems' but nobody's allowed to pick on him because he has the protection of Rachel Elizabeth Dare. it's the first time he hasn't been bullied in school and rachel takes advantage of this by enlisting him into committing the Weirdest Stuff Ever with her with his newfound social immunity. graffitting the new science building donated to the school by a racist because they Can, gossiping about the teachers, making fun of each other because they both fit so neatly into their archetypes and they know it, like yea bro. they're friends. trauma bonded not during the titan war but during the oppressive regime of Period 5 9th Grade English
☥ KANE CHRONICLES' EGYPTIAN GODS AND THEIR MAGICIAN'S HEADCANONS: 𓁭 OSIRIS: GOD OF THE DEAD AND LIVING, AGRICULTURE, REGENERATION, LORD OF AARU (FIELD OF REEDS) feat. JULIUS KANE ☥
a/n: Alright everyone, here’s the first Egyptian God and Magician’s headcanons! I think I did alright and tried to pair back from canon egyptian lore from the Riordanverse as well as real life history, at least as much as I can with online resources. Hopefully I did Osiris justice. Hope you all enjoy this and have a nice day! Thanks for reading!
EGYPTIAN GODS AND THEIR MAGICIANS MASTERLIST {A03} || {TUMBLR}
Osiris bloodline and connection is not very common, nearing rare, given his position as the God of the Dead and Living, and is generally occupied with managing the Duat. That said, his connection to his host and those related to him is maintained with their strong practice and focusing on the realm of death; particularly keeping in mind of Egyptian practices and values.
Osiris’ Path of the Gods features Death Magic, Necromancy, Healing Magic, and Animation. If you’re particularly connected to Osiris, you find yourself having a talent in those realms of magic and comes most easily to you. All have their own challenges that may be easier or not due to your own beliefs.
Osiris when you manage to connect with him, tells you that the power you are about to wield and should you go down this path, he puts the stipulation that you must use these powers selflessly and without abuse. He is the god of the Dead and Living, and given his position, he is very serious about this role.
You may have a connection with him and while he wants to encourage your pursuit of knowledge with a fatherly, scholarly enthusiasm, he has seen what corrupt men mishandle the knowledge given and use it unjustly.
That said, with the persona of Julius Kane, he is readily available when he is able to answer questions you may have and guide you through with both the perspective of a researcher and father. This makes learning the path of Osiris easier in the sense you are guided with steady hands but at the same time, harder because you still have to stumble through mistakes and feel the everbearing weight of Osiris’ eyes.
A side-effect of having connections with Osiris is that you are susceptible to being in his memories. Adding to the fact that he is alive and dead, you feel torn between being alive and dead, literally feeling the weight of existentialism. Whenever you dig down into the power of Death Magic and Necromancy, you can feel the ghost of its power wash over you, as you’re more intune with that realm of power.
If you use those magic too much, you inevitably connect yourself with Osiris too much and you live his memories of dying, being cut up, and being put back together again.
Osiris does his best to console you and be there for you, but there’s not much he can do since this is the cost of connecting with Osiris directly and going down his path of the gods.
Depending how young you are, Osiris does not recommend you practicing Death Magic and Necromancy too much over Animation And Healing magic, his reasoning that while both life and death are both connected and balanced, you should not be so quick to learn of the realm of death any faster.
It's for this reason Animation magic and ‘Sunu’ Healing magic is something Osiris encourages you to participate in regularly, whether you like it or not. Sure he’s no Sekhmet with the path of healing, but it reminds you that you are alive and its good for you to be surrounded with Life.
Healing Magic has it draws though because on one hand, the feedback of feeling someone else's' pain through healing magic is numb on you but it also rushes through you, like you were giving a splash of cold water. When it comes to healing magic, your best as healing wounds, injuries, and physical forms of pain because the relation of the body with Osiris. However it comes to dealing with curses, and other things, that’s less in your wheelhouse unless you deliberately work on it yourself.
However, with being connected to Osiris, your healing magic is powerful in the sense you could bring back someone to life. However, the temptation with the Eye of Osiris at the precipice of your abilities is hard to resist because it can bring someone back to life permanently.
Osiris agrees there may be cases that you could theoretically use it for unjustified or unplanned death, however, he stresses that all things have their places. The part of Julius Kane in him agrees with the temptation and lull of it, and there may be a time to use it, but only once and only truly.
With your connection to Osiris, you can see the dead, ghosts, and other related spirits much more easily. You feel obligated to hear their words, help them along back to the Ma’at when able to, and basically act as Osiris’ agent.
While I may have said that with Julius Kane as his persona, you still have to deal with Osiris being in your head. Osiris may seem like a pretty approachable persona but as he becomes more assured in your magician abilities, he isn’t exempt from wanting to be in control. Whenever he sees an injustice done by a ghost in the living world, he makes you go deal with it or he would deal with it himself, making you perform rites to make sure it is done properly.
That or as Julius Kane, often has you dropping by the Kane siblings to pass on messages and the such. He’s still their father after all. You end up being in close contact with the Kane siblings because of this.
Although not often, when you do meet Ammitt, the demon is always happy to see you and you can’t help giving her the puppy voice and many pets. Osiris tells you to only call her by her name respectfully, but you still can’t help it.
Osiris bloodline and connection is not very common, nearing rare, given his position as the God of the Dead and Living, and is generally occupied with managing the Duat. That said, his connection to his host and those related to him is maintained with their strong practice and focusing on the realm of death; particularly keeping in mind of Egyptian practices and values.
Osiris’ Path of the Gods features Death Magic, Necromancy, Healing Magic, and Animation. If you’re particularly connected to Osiris, you find yourself having a talent in those realms of magic and comes most easily to you. All have their own challenges that may be easier or not due to your own beliefs.
Osiris when you manage to connect with him, tells you that the power you are about to wield and should you go down this path, he puts the stipulation that you must use these powers selflessly and without abuse. He is the god of the Dead and Living, and given his position, he is very serious about this role.
You may have a connection with him and while he wants to encourage your pursuit of knowledge with a fatherly, scholarly enthusiasm, he has seen what corrupt men mishandle the knowledge given and use it unjustly.
That said, with the persona of Julius Kane, he is readily available when he is able to answer questions you may have and guide you through with both the perspective of a researcher and father. This makes learning the path of Osiris easier in the sense you are guided with steady hands but at the same time, harder because you still have to stumble through mistakes and feel the everbearing weight of Osiris’ eyes.
A side-effect of having connections with Osiris is that you are susceptible to being in his memories. Adding to the fact that he is alive and dead, you feel torn between being alive and dead, literally feeling the weight of existentialism. Whenever you dig down into the power of Death Magic and Necromancy, you can feel the ghost of its power wash over you, as you’re more intune with that realm of power.
If you use those magic too much, you inevitably connect yourself with Osiris too much and you live his memories of dying, being cut up, and being put back together again.
Osiris does his best to console you and be there for you, but there’s not much he can do since this is the cost of connecting with Osiris directly and going down his path of the gods.
Depending how young you are, Osiris does not recommend you practicing Death Magic and Necromancy too much over Animation And Healing magic, his reasoning that while both life and death are both connected and balanced, you should not be so quick to learn of the realm of death any faster.
It's for this reason Animation magic and ‘Sunu’ Healing magic is something Osiris encourages you to participate in regularly, whether you like it or not. Sure he’s no Sekhmet with the path of healing, but it reminds you that you are alive and its good for you to be surrounded with Life.
Healing Magic has it draws though because on one hand, the feedback of feeling someone else's' pain through healing magic is numb on you but it also rushes through you, like you were giving a splash of cold water. When it comes to healing magic, your best as healing wounds, injuries, and physical forms of pain because the relation of the body with Osiris. However it comes to dealing with curses, and other things, that’s less in your wheelhouse unless you deliberately work on it yourself.
However, with being connected to Osiris, your healing magic is powerful in the sense you could bring back someone to life. However, the temptation with the Eye of Osiris at the precipice of your abilities is hard to resist because it can bring someone back to life permanently.
Osiris agrees there may be cases that you could theoretically use it for unjustified or unplanned death, however, he stresses that all things have their places. The part of Julius Kane in him agrees with the temptation and lull of it, and there may be a time to use it, but only once and only truly.
With your connection to Osiris, you can see the dead, ghosts, and other related spirits much more easily. You feel obligated to hear their words, help them along back to the Ma’at when able to, and basically act as Osiris’ agent.
While I may have said that with Julius Kane as his persona, you still have to deal with Osiris being in your head. Osiris may seem like a pretty approachable persona but as he becomes more assured in your magician abilities, he isn’t exempt from wanting to be in control. Whenever he sees an injustice done by a ghost in the living world, he makes you go deal with it or he would deal with it himself, making you perform rites to make sure it is done properly.
That or as Julius Kane, often has you dropping by the Kane siblings to pass on messages and the such. He’s still their father after all. You end up being in close contact with the Kane siblings because of this.
Although not often, when you do meet Ammitt, the demon is always happy to see you and you can’t help giving her the puppy voice and many pets. Osiris tells you to only call her by her name respectfully, but you still can’t help it.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅
“To pursue my path and to seek my guidance is to walk a path of justice and balance. To guide both the living and the dead, because both seek their dues. I am Osiris, God of the Living and the Dead and Lord of Aaru, who oversees the Field of Reeds.”
☥ KANE CHRONICLES' EGYPTIAN GODS AND THEIR MAGICIAN'S HEADCANONS: 𓉈 ANUBIS: GOD OF BURIAL AND EMBALMING, OF CEMETERIES AND MUMMIFICATION, OF FUNERALS AND DEATH feat. WALT STONE 𓁢
A/N: Alright, we’ve reached probably I’m guessing a lot of favourites’ egyptian god, especially for the Underworld kids out there (I see you going over the Hades, Thanatos, and Persephone demigod H/Cs 👀) and one of the favourite gods depicted in the Kane Chronicles.
This was fun to do because I had to write between Anubis and Walt so there’s a lot going on, but writing this reminded me that the love triangle between Anubis, Walt, and Sadie, that Rick wrote as canon, can be interpreted as polyamory and the fact that Walt and Anubis are very devoted to Sadie is based and terrifying.
EGYPTIAN GODS AND THEIR MAGICIANS MASTERLIST {A03} || {TUMBLR}
This… might be one of the oddest connections to develop; especially when the Kane Chronicles are taking place because of the fact that Anubis is being hosted by Walt Stone, and they’re both of Walt but also Anubis at the same time? Honestly wondering how often you will hear and communicate with Anubis but also Walt? Not to mention by association, you’re going to be talking to a lot of people-
I’d imagine those who follow the Path of Anubis are those who are afflicted, surrounded, or have a deeper connection with death; as going down his path in general means specializing in Death Magic and Necromancy. Hopefully you don’t have the same crushing death curse like Walt, cause Anubis is kind of taken (literally as a host by Walt and taken in terms of relationship wise with Sadie Kane who is currently giving you looks and oh gods-)
Expect talking to Anubis to be moody and literally being like a moody teenager. He’s learning things as he does and if he has trouble teaching you, well, it's a bit odd considering he’s teaching someone out of their free will then someone who is a bit more dependent on his path.
His teachings about Death magic and Necromancy will be very intense and probably a bit more imbalanced as Anubis has never lived a mortal life through a host until Walt, so his perspective is a bit off at times.
Walt thankfully steps in and explains his own experience when going down the Path of Anubis, and his own knowledge. Walt’s mortal life balances out Anubis’ death so it feels less overwhelming when communicating with Anubis.
It's best if you get along with Sadie Kane, who is often around and curious seeing her boyfriend(s) teaching a magician in person then say in their head like she experienced with Isis. She’ll be often around due to her romantic relationship with Anubis and Walt, so it helps getting to know her.
You don’t have to like her or be buddy-buddy, but there is one thing you absolutely cannot do is hate Sadie and in turn mistreat/interfere with her. That is a sure way to get kicked and broken off from the Path of Anubis, if not getting obliterated by Anubis/Walt. (Not to mention Carter Kane coming in because Sadie is his little sister, regardless how capable she is…if she doesn’t deal with you first).
Though if you get along with Sadie, then you’re all good! Anubis/Walt would be pleased that Sadie has another friend and he can consult with you at times.
The threat is still there though.
I should mention, by pursuing the Path of Anubis and with the use of Sympathetic magic with Anubis, you may not be able to use Healing magic given that Anubis isn’t familiar with mortal lives and has little experience with dealing with the living, and Healing Magic deals with fighting off death by healing others and preventing diseases.
Also given how heavily reliant Anubis is with the realm of Death, learning Healing magic while being in constant contact with Anubis is pushing a boulder up a hill. It doesn’t help either that with Walt’s deadly curse still active, its even more hopeless.
Your next best option is becoming a Charm Maker (Sau) who makes protective amulets, rings, and charms of the like. By the way, this isn’t Anubis' forte and is completely Walt’s knowledge, which is an odd game of telephone where Walt tells Anubis to tell you how to make charms, but Anubis can’t help quip in some godly knowledge so what you’re making will probably different then the average charm maker.
Expect your Death Magic and Necromancy to be very powerful and supercharged as you’re communicating and using sympathetic magic with Anubis. The power of Death is strong with Anubis, add in Walt’s curse, so using Death Magic with the slightest touch of a finger is very effective.
Speaking of which, when you use sympathetic magic and channeling Anubis’ magic, you can feel the phantom effects of Walt’s curse in your own body. Anubis reassures you that you won’t actually suffer the effects of the curse and won’t have long-lasting damage to you, it does affect you mentally/spiritually because of the sensations.
Using Death Magic especially emphasizes these sensations and you have an out-of-body sensation of what Walt had been suffering through for all this time.
I’d imagine when you’re using Necromancy and channeling Anubis’ power, you might attract a lot of unrestful spirits or spirits who wish to be put to rest after they’ve done you a service as Anubis is the god of Funerals and Cemeteries. Some take more service depending on what happened, while some move on immediately afterwards.
Unlike with Osiris who is the god of the dead and living, who the living and the dead respect him, with Anubis, the ghosts and the dead you summon with Anubis, there’s a sense of responsibility.
On the other hand, you’re very proficient with summoning, shabti, or statuary magic as it sort of relates to Necromancy and as a medium of the in-between.
You’re probably also going to be doing funeral rites or helping pay respects to the dead, influenced by Anubis and also furthering your connection with Anubis’ role as the god of Funerals and Cemeteries. This can be helping put a couple of flowers to a gravestone or honouring a person’s life, and so forth.
The Path of Anubis is something you’re all learning on the go for all three of you so if you ever feel like something is off, a lot of times it's because Anubis is not used to having another mortal, Walt who is being a host for Anubis and is seeing himself in you, and you who is still learning to being a magician.
“I should mention we’re new at this, and we have no idea what we’re doing” said Walt-Anubis.
You stared at Walt with blinking eyes and you weren’t sure if you were supposed to be offended, worried, surprised, or just bamboozled. You had your own reasons for being drawn to Anubis and when you found out having blood of the pharaohs, and you could pursue the Path of Anubis later on, you were on board.
However, when you were looking into it, Carter and Sadie introduced to Walt Stone, the only magician to take the Path of Anubis…who is also coincidentally the host of Anubis, where they equally took turns being who was at front. You only discovered this as you got to know Walt and also Anubis, who were taking turns speaking. You could feel the slight connection to Anubis helping you along because you were getting better who was talking.
“How new are we talking about?” you asked.
“Really new” emphasized Anubis-Walt. “I’m…considered one of the youngest gods and nobody really looks for me when they pursue the Path of the Gods” said Anubis, as you realized it was him. “Walt is the first one and even then, the circumstances that led to this were…unique.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Uh, I have a deadly killing curse so Death has always surrounded me, which created a connection with Anubis and it sort of happened” admitted Walt. “I dunno how well the Path of Anubis will work for you because of it.”
“Ah…well, I want to take the Path of Anubis because of a similar situation? But I don’t have a deadly curse…I think at least?” you admitted.
Walt seemed unresponsive but you remembered that Walt and Anubis were probably talking to each other internally until you sense Walt and Anubis coming together. “Well, if you’re sure. I am Anubis, God of Burial and Embalming, of Cemeteries and Mummification, of Funerals and Death, and welcome to my Path.”
so we know how percy can't be in the air because zeus would vaporize him. what if jason can't be in the ocean because poseidon would fucking get him. what if water spirits hate his ass so they're just waiting for him to get too close to the water when the argo II is in the water so they can drag him down and try to drown him. what if that happens and percy has to jump in to get him out. what if
Albion the White Dragon in Fate. Melusine's original form, the dragon that dug the Spirit Tomb beneath the Clock Tower, and the dragon that PHH Vortigern drank the blood of in Garden of Avalon, opposed to the Red Dragon inside Artoria.
This is from some art exhibit in Japan showing a bunch of concept art and unused designs.
One of my all time favorite Riordan-verse head canons is the concept of New Athens being created as a parallel to New Rome. An entire hidden city in Long Island, New York made for Greek demigods. A safe haven. Even a New Athens University, eventually.
on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship
it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.
“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”
“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.
“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”
“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”
“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”
“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”
“but then what is its purpose?”
“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”
this is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard but I thought about it for five seconds and realized that if I were, say, a random communications officer onboard this ship and someone taped a knife to a roomba it would take maybe three weeks before even I was inordinately fond of Stabby. I would be proud of Stabby when I met up with my other spacefleet friends for space coffee, I would tell them about the time Stabby got the second mate in the ankle five seconds before the fleet admiral beamed on board and she swore in seven different languages in front of high command.
also by the fourth day Stabby would be in the ship’s log, he’d have little painted-on insignia, people would salute him as he went by, and someone would hook up a twitter account to tweet maniacal laughter and/or a truly terrible knock-knock joke every time he managed to nick someone.
How did it get clearance to every room? The gruff security commander is watching the footage from the ‘admiral incident.’ Some obscure camera angle finally catches Stabby in the act. “Someone get me the number of that space roomba™.”
“But sir, the crew, they… we… sorta have a soft spot for the little thing…”
“I know. I’m going to give it full access to the whole ship. Should be a riot when those Zendarians visit again.”
I meant to add this several thousand notes ago but better late than never, right?
Rithlen was not having a good galactic-standard week.
First, xe got stationed on a human starship as an ambassador for xyr race. Xyr supervisor had always had it out for xem, but this was a new sort of psychological torture. Everyone in the galaxy knew humans were a strange, illogical species. Now Rithlen had to put up with their strange customs, including the small robot with a weapon. The humans didn’t even seem phased by it. They just stepped over the robot. They actually seemed fond of the thing! They named it Stabby.
‘Humans are very strange,’ Rithlen often thought to xemself, ‘in the way they hold affection for a nonsentient piece of machinery designed to hurt them.’ The threat would be neutralized if they would just remove the tape holding the knife, but when xe mentioned the idea to some of the humans, they seemed horrified and offended by the idea.
Rithlen quickly learned to keep one of xyr feelers near the ground, scanning for the vibrations of the small machine.
on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship
it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.
“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”
“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.
“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”
“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”
“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”
“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”
“but then what is its purpose?”
“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”
this is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard but I thought about it for five seconds and realized that if I were, say, a random communications officer onboard this ship and someone taped a knife to a roomba it would take maybe three weeks before even I was inordinately fond of Stabby. I would be proud of Stabby when I met up with my other spacefleet friends for space coffee, I would tell them about the time Stabby got the second mate in the ankle five seconds before the fleet admiral beamed on board and she swore in seven different languages in front of high command.
also by the fourth day Stabby would be in the ship’s log, he’d have little painted-on insignia, people would salute him as he went by, and someone would hook up a twitter account to tweet maniacal laughter and/or a truly terrible knock-knock joke every time he managed to nick someone.
How did it get clearance to every room? The gruff security commander is watching the footage from the ‘admiral incident.’ Some obscure camera angle finally catches Stabby in the act. “Someone get me the number of that space roomba™.”
“But sir, the crew, they… we… sorta have a soft spot for the little thing…”
“I know. I’m going to give it full access to the whole ship. Should be a riot when those Zendarians visit again.”
I meant to add this several thousand notes ago but better late than never, right?
Rithlen was not having a good galactic-standard week.
First, xe got stationed on a human starship as an ambassador for xyr race. Xyr supervisor had always had it out for xem, but this was a new sort of psychological torture. Everyone in the galaxy knew humans were a strange, illogical species. Now Rithlen had to put up with their strange customs, including the small robot with a weapon. The humans didn’t even seem phased by it. They just stepped over the robot. They actually seemed fond of the thing! They named it Stabby.
‘Humans are very strange,’ Rithlen often thought to xemself, ‘in the way they hold affection for a nonsentient piece of machinery designed to hurt them.’ The threat would be neutralized if they would just remove the tape holding the knife, but when xe mentioned the idea to some of the humans, they seemed horrified and offended by the idea.
Rithlen quickly learned to keep one of xyr feelers near the ground, scanning for the vibrations of the small machine.
