[Edit info here]

For many moons now, I have been a hunter of peace, chasing the elusive mayfly known as love.

[dootlock-deactivated20170417]

[rurounizim]

@johnslack @krystadripdrop I think we just found our live-action frieza

[safety-officer-barto-deactivate]

“Salt and Pepper Diner is John Mulaney’s funniest bit” is Xanax/Prostate Exam erasure and I will not stand for it

[officialqueer]

The overlooking of “The One Thing You Can’t Replace” is a criminal act.

[jewishdragon]

LISTEN, I WAS JUST WATCHING JOHN MULANEY AND I RAISE YOU

[bisexualgambit]

HOW COULD YOU NOT SAY DELTA AIRLINES????

[kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd]

Bill Clinton Never Forgets A Bitch, Ever

[safety-officer-barto-deactivate]

The responses to this post have been so amazing because it’s reminded me, and I’m sure many others, of just how many hilarious bits John Mulaney has other than s&pd

[incendiarysongbird]

okay, but eighth graders

[doorstoplord]

….. could be a nursery.

[awesomealfry]

being 12 years old on anotger continent is a great alibi

[starry-nightengale]

“Why buy the cow, question mark?”

[tgwdlmreprised]

THAT TALL CHILD LOOKS TERRIBLE

[0rangeleader-deactivated2022100]

And then. He ordered one black coffee for himself.

And kept driving.

[abyssfemme]

LOOK AT THAT HIGH WAISTED MAN, HE GOT FEMININE HIPS

[silly-slacker-person]

“We gon play jacks down at the soda fountain”

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU IDIOT

Y'know, how you talk to your grandma?

[eclipsebykimlipmp3-deactivated2]

hello? HUSH

[bakvvas-deactivated20181218]

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.

[mulaneysbutt]

“What’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t even understand if I told you…”

[housetohalf]

And also with you!

[xfulcrumx]

Are we gonna ignore “FUCK DA POLICE”

[fartsandprayers]

He is the truest humor for our generation

[rightplacewrongsandwich]

The one that originally made me almost crash my car was “oh, yeah, well my favorite foods are lobster and Skittles.” (In comparing Scareface to The Godfather)

[antiquitea]

The best thing about that is that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over, to see who just did that piece of shit move. Expecting to see like a hundred-year-old blind dog, who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie.

Instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best.

[justlikeabaroness]

SCATTER!

[flightcub]

in the 1940s the word “boner” used to mean “huge mistake” and it still pretty much means that

[sadsummergirl]

how the fuck would you know that

[flightcub]

because i know things

[221cbakerstreet]

[rudeandgingersansa]

i read these to my dad and he literally fell off his chair laughing and is now purple in the face

[ichise]

[thepigeongazette]

happy new year ya lovely dorks!!

[isohiko-deactivated20230305]

[in-scrutable]

Griffin: a comparison

DM Griffin:

“When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are just unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy.”

Player Griffin:

“I do a murder”

“I’m good on skin … I have enough”

“I put my fidget spinner in it”

[taz-quotes]

Honestly, this is so accurate.

[tablesforall-deactivated2018101]

I am Chrissy Teigen all day every day.

[neo-tokyo]

[kngshxt-deactivated20180831]

lmaooooo

[taz-quotes]

Director: Robbie has been thrown into the brig. We’re gonna keep an eye on him for a while.

Taako: Cause he loved Pringles too much? Did he pop and then neglect to stop?

Director: Hey, if that’s a crime we all deserve to be thrown in the brig, right?

[everydaylouie]

play with me!!!! 

(audio from here)

[rurounizim]

Me to literally anyone who doesn’t meet my jokes with jokes of their own

[taz-quotes]

Griffin: Somewhere in the distance, Ludacris smiles.

[nocontextmcelroy]

I don’t think anyone has ever gone to the Olive Garden to, quote, ‘have a good time eating there,’ I think they go there because they wanna make a pasta mistake.

Griffin McElroy, MBMBaM episode 95 (via nocontextmcelroy)

[twotheleft]

[twotheleft]

[twotheleft]

[godku-inactive-deactivated20161]