A Very Long Essay About My Life - Aka Here's Why I Love Snorpy Fizzlebean!
(Image Credit: someonesneaky on Steam)
If you want to read me yapping about my life and Snorpy, go ahead and click the read more button. Trigger warning for delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, SI (mentioned briefly), and past SA. If you're struggling with active psychosis and/or SI, I highly suggest against reading this. There will also be spoilers for Bugsnax, both the base game and DLC. Take care reading, if you decide to.
And if you don't know who Snorpy is, here's a summary. Snorpy is a character in the video game Bugsnax. It is set on Snaktooth Island (edit: spelled it as Snaktook), a previously uninhabited area where food-like creatures called Bugsnax reside. As the image says, he is an inventor and a conspiracy theorist, one who is simultaneously very eloquent and off the rails when talking about the objects of his beliefs. He believes that the Grumpinati, Bugsnax's version of the Illuminati, is after him.
When I first started playing Bugsnax in December 2024, I fell in love with the game. I adored all the little creatures you could catch, and the colorful Grumpuses with their distinct personalities. I love Filbo and Gramble, but the Grumpus who spoke to me the most was one Snorpy Fizzlebean.
In that same month, I was prescribed my first antipsychotic by a psychiatrist. We ended up not working together, but he made something clear to me - I was in a psychosis.
2024 was one of the worst years for me. I'd broken up with my abusive partner in 2023 and had been spiralling since. During those two years, I'd convinced myself that I had alternate personalities, and that there were cameras installed in the walls of my house. I was attending university at the time, which I later dropped out of with only one semester left to get my Bacherlor's degree.
At school, I believed that students were following me in the hallways, that my entire English class (including the professor) was going to gang up on me and kill me, and that people were listening to me use the bathroom with the intent to sexualize it - that last thing is something my ex-partner did.
In late 2025, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. And in early 2026, I was reevaluated as having schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. When I have episodes, they last for months at a time. I have hallucinations, delusions, and become extremely depressed to the point of having SI. Sometimes I get close to acting on that intent.
(Image credit: PepperSupreme on the Bugsnax Wiki)
What does all this have to do with Snorpy?
Well, I believe that Snorpy is living with some kind of psychotic disorder, most likely schizophrenia because he doesn't seem to have any mood symptoms. Sure, he's written as a conspiracy theorist, but so much about how he behaves really hits home for me.
The Sweet Tooth! quest got to me. Specifically, this line from Snorpy: "The Grumpinati are using the Kwookies to trace my dental fillings. But if my teeth ARE Kwookies, the resulting counter-signal will make my location untraceable!"
That is EXACTLY what I sound like when I'm psychotic.
In September 2024, I attended a dentist appointment while in active psychosis without realizing it. I was very deep in my delusions at this time. I thought that the dentists were installing tracking devices between my gums, and that the fluoride treatment sealed them in. The radio overhead was communicating to me through music, telling me that I couldn't speak about any of this out loud. Because if I did, then I would be tortured by the devices shocking my gums.
In Bugsnax after the journalist gives Snorpy two Kwookies, he sounds gleeful about finding a way to disable the signal. He truly believes in all of these conspiracies, that the Grumpinati is after him. I can't help projecting my own pain onto him. Did he lose sleep out of fear, knowing that his every move was being watched? Did he walk on eggshells with what he said, worried about triggering something dangerous in the Kwookies spying on him?
It's made clear by Bugsnax's characters and the narrative that Snorpy is somewhat of an agoraphobe. He rarely leaves the safety of his cabin, because he lives in fear and delusion. It's stated in canon that Snorpy spends much of his time inventing tools to fend off the Grumpinati or otherwise evade them.
When I'm psychotic, I barely leave my room except to eat and use the bathroom, sometimes to shower. This is a sign for other people that I'm in an episode - I don't always recognize it myself. The longest I've gone without showering in recent years is 3 days, which is a lot for me because I try to shower every day or so.
For me, it's a combination of depression and psychosis that locks me in my room. The two feed into each other, which makes a horrible cycle. My depression gets worse because the psychosis makes it hard to want to stay alive, and I develop delusions to do with my own death, which just adds fuel to the fire.
My favorite part of the game with Snorpy in it (sort of) is the DLC, the Isle of Bigsnax. Even though he doesn't go to Broken Tooth, he's still present in the story, mainly through Chandlo and Floofty.
Floofty reveals that Snorpy's paranoia started out as understandable cautiousness after the smear campaign against the two of them. Over time, it grew into something out of control that Snorpy can't fix on his own.
This is true to real life, including mine - trauma and/or stress can be initial causes for psychosis in people prone to it, as well as triggers for future episodes. And they can't be treated effectively without outside help.
Before I was medicated, my episodes would eventually go away and I'd be able to look back on how unwell I was, but that wasn't doing anything to solve them.
There's no magic pill to make your brain revert back to a pre-psychotic state, and all medication comes with varying side effects. For me, I've dealt with excessive tiredness and a restricted appetite but by far, the worst has been the weight gain.
On my last antipsychotic, I gained 23 lbs in 2 months.
I won't say how much I weigh now, but I will say that I'm rather overweight and don't exercise much. I'm not ready to weigh myself on this new antipsychotic, out of fear that I'm still having that side effect.
(Image credit: Unidentified Harrier on YouTube)
"That boy needs therapy" - Shelda.
Oh man. Therapy.
Therapy has been a huge hit or miss for me. I've had therapists and psychiatrists be dismissive, hide information from me, and use ChatGPT during sessions. One therapist I was seeing for OCD made an unwanted sexual comment towards me after I disclosed my CSA to him (actually what the fuck). I was too in shock to report him for harassment.
But, I've also had a few good therapists that actually listen to what I'm saying and are normal! Yay!! My current therapist and I are still getting accustomed to each other, but we get along well so far.
As for Snorpy, someday I'll write a self-indulgent fanfic about him going to therapy that like 10 people will read.
That's it YAY FINALLY!!! Congrats if you read this far. Here is a cookie (or a Kwookie if you will). 🍪
all my lesbian fish (+1 cephalopod) gijinkas so far! i want to draw them all at some point, but since i've been so busy irl i wanted to go ahead and show these headshots off in the meantime.
reference images of the actual species for those interested (sorry some are just illustrations or taxidermy):
what people don’t understand about how adhd is disabling is that it’s not just getting temporarily distracted from, like, school work or hobbies. it’s getting distracted/being unable to motivate yourself to go to the doctor, eat regularly, do hygiene tasks, etc. it’s not knowing when or how long it will take you to do something, ANYTHING, and in many cases that thing is taking a shower or keeping your house from turning into a biohazard. it’s about being fundamentally incapable of controlling your attention and focus on anything, even and especially things you need to do to survive.
ive invented (note: dubious claim) something i call the bear diet which is mostly fruits and vegetables with fish as the main protein source and something like once a month you eat a few hyperprocessed foods of your liking because that is when you, the bear, raid a dumpster in the suburbs
Biannual reminder that Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) / Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Neonatal Opioid Withdrawal Syndrome / Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome (NAS) are not acceptable jokes or insults for people you don't like.
We don't exist to be demonized, belittled, or mocked. People with these issues exist in every space you're a part of. Some don't even know it. Some do and hear you say the things you do and they will not forget you.
I took my little brother (autistic, mostly non verbal) out and he was using his voice keyboard to tell me something, and this little boy (maybe 4 or 5?) heard him and asked me "Is he a robot??" I tried to explain to him that no, he isn't a robot, he just communicates differently, but my darling brother was in the background max volume "I am robot I am robot I am robot I am robot"
My little brother insisted if I was going to post about him, he wanted a cut of the "profits". When I explained to him that Tumblr isn't monetized, and is pretty pointless, he and my older brother pointed out that he'd still be bringing me "fame and notoriety" if the post got "big". So we agreed, if the post hit 10k notes, which seemed extremely farfetched and silly at the time, I'd take my little brother out for sushi (his favorite food) and let him eat as much as he wants.
I guess God wanted the little robot to enjoy some sushi 🍣 🥲
"everyone should get more aromantic" can appeal to tumblr's sensibilities but I genuinely think everyone should also get more asexual. I don't mean everyone stop having sex, what I mean is
Sex is not essential. You can live without it. Full stop.
Not having sex isn't shameful or a sign of failure. It also doesn't make anyone boring.
You are not entitled to having sex with anybody and nobody is entitled to having sex with you.
Sex is not what makes someone an adult.
Nobody's worth is defined by how much sex they have or don't have.
Sex is not equally important to everyone.
You can have fulfilling and happy relationships without sex.
You should only have sex on your own terms, not because you feel like you owe it to someone, or because you feel like you'd be incomplete without it.
Know your boundaries around sex and be firm about them. Know how to respect other people's boundaries.
The previous point also applies when it comes to discussing sex. If someone doesn't wanna talk about it or hear about it you have to back down.
Anything can be sexual but not everything has to be sexual.
