Shitpost Field Reporter

Reporting in Live from the scene of the posts. All reblogs, all the time.

[shitpost-field-reporter]

Reporting to you live from the notes

I’m senior Tumblr field correspondent, @shitpost-field-reporter. Covering the breaking stories, interviewing experts, and wading through the shitposts.

[hustlerose]

what's a little unprotected sex between friends?

[hustlerose]

(reporter, putting the mic even closer to your face) what about a lot of unprotected sex? between friends, i mean?

[marxism-transgenderism]

The world's least tucked in and kissed stuffie has just shed it's millionth tear

[marxism-transgenderism]

The world's least tucked in and kissed stuffie has just been picked up by the world's most autistic 7 year old girl. "She just would not let that thing go," one witness observed.

[marxism-transgenderism]

The world's least tucked in and kissed stuffie has just been tucked in and kissed "a million bajillion times," one source informed us.

[sloppystyle]

[shitpost-field-reporter]

Hours later and there’s still no sign of it. As temperatures continue to drop, the search is begining to feel hopeless. Back to you in the studio, I’m @shitpost-field-reporter

[queen-of-hobgobblers]

Girl who insists she's normal logs onto Tumblr again, more at 11

[guineapigposting]

Piggy if you had the attention of the whole world what would you want to say?

🐀🎤

-Nancy Squeakington with Mousehole News

wheek

[tobiornottobithatisthequestion]

Local gremlin discovers yogurt, more at 11

[shitpost-field-reporter]

That’s right. This little guy has made a huge discovery. I talk with Big Hand about the big consequences of this ground breaking discovery. Their answer may surprise you. I’m @shitpost-field-reporter , back to you in the studio.

[landmineblogging]

think i'm one of those gay things

[landmineblogging]

don't tell anybody

[urgentkettle]

It’s too late. I’ve already notified the news media

[shitpost-field-reporter]

I’m reporting live from the dash. @blintzestein any comments about being a one of those gay things?

[telltaletypist]

so embarrassing when you're infodumping about a random topic and slowly realize the person you're talking to has also listened to the specific podcast episode where you got the information

[telltaletypist]

this would've been a hit post if i'd phrased it like an onion headline but it's too late now. it's too fucking late.

[telltaletypist]

none of this matters. it's all ash in the end. one day you'll be dead and forgotten in the ground and no one will ever know what you could've been

[trans-peridot]

Unease Grows As Local Infodumper Suspects Target Has Listened To Same Podcast Episode

[sisyphusshrugged]

good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[lolt64]

bad news about the boulder everyone

[aaays-and-bees]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[rudolphsboyfriend]

bad news about the boulder everyone

[ssolvix]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[twoarrsandonesea-deactivated202]

Bad news about the boulder everyone

[wanderer-chronicles]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[big-condiments-official]

bad news about the boulder everyone

[lynburnlegagy123]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[clarissaseton]

bad news about the boulder everyone..

[tyrantofthefirmament]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[babybluebanshee]

bad news about the boulder everyone

[burntcurlyfry]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[losing-catharsis]

bad news about the boulder everyone

[loullipopx]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[dukeofash]

bad news about the boulder everyone

[marisolinspades]

Good morning kings let’s push this boulder

[gaymergal]

bad news about the boulder everone

[zazozaliad]

Good morning kings let’s! push! this! boulder!

[scriberat]

bad news about the boulder, everyone

[thatswhatsushesaid]

good morning kings let’s…. um

kings i’m starting to suspect this boulder is bad news

[its-okay-youre-adorable]

IGNORE HER KINGS LET’S PUSH THIS BOULDER 🔥🔥🔥

[icarus-suraki]

bad news about the boulder, everyone…

[urgentkettle]

Good morning, my monarchs! Let’s! Push! This! Boulder!!

[shitpost-field-reporter]

I’m reporting live from the boulder with devastating news.

[etherealspacejelly]

breaking: local bitch with adhd is STILL not doing the chores they've been saying they'll do tomorrow for the past 3 days. more at 10

[shitpost-field-reporter]

It is day 4 and I’m here at the scene of the chores. @etherealspacejelly any comment on the current state of the chores as we’re staring down the barrel of day 5?

[etherealspacejelly]

i must admit, the situation is dire. food shopping was achieved yesterday, just barely, but the laundry has yet to be touched.

local adhd bitch is feeling the pressure. the supply of clothes is slowly running dry. if something isnt done soon, this could turn into a catastrophe.

thats all from me, back to you in the studio.

[shitpost-field-reporter]

Thanks, @etherealspacejelly , and best of luck. As we near day 6, there’s no relief in sight. While there’s no calls reinforcements yet, it’s too early to rule it out. We’ll have more reporting as the situation evolves.

Next up: the Executive Function Forecast. There’s gonna be less executive and less function than previously planned. Were you overconfident in our predictions? It’s more common than you think. More on that, after the break. I’m @shitpost-field-reporter

[etherealspacejelly]

breaking: local bitch with adhd is STILL not doing the chores they've been saying they'll do tomorrow for the past 3 days. more at 10

[shitpost-field-reporter]

It is day 4 and I’m here at the scene of the chores. @etherealspacejelly any comment on the current state of the chores as we’re staring down the barrel of day 5?

[cipheramnesia]

This has been Beauregard Thompson, signing off for Nightly Night News on channel 45.

[cipheramnesia]

I'm Jingo Finderglass and this has been another Channel 33 Vital News Break at 3:15am.

[cipheramnesia]

My name is Clabberdingle Hollertang and this has been Coffee Morning Daily Daytime Alarm Clock Sunshine on Channel 12.

[cipheramnesia]

I've been Elleminowestminnie Jones, and we'll see you next time on channel 81's Afternoon Essential Knowledge Now News with Action Team Sprinter Gab Foonstickle.

[cipheramnesia]

This is Bramp Bramptonson, and thank you for watching Who Watches The Watching News Watching Watchers on Channel 2.

[cipheramnesia]

I'm Glob Halsteader and you've just watched Exploding Window News Sequence 7:18am on Channel 509.

[cipheramnesia]

I'm Tippletop Applethwaite, and you've been watching Channel 8 Activity Afternoon News.

[cipheramnesia]

I'm Pickles the News Kitten and this has been 90 seconds of screaming. After our break the weather, with a giant tank of eels.

[cipheramnesia]

And that's the lastest, I'm Thomas Jefferson and this has been Alternate Realities News broadcasting from the Lich USA Founding Fathers Trying To Break Into Other Realities To Conquer Alternate Earths Timeline on channel 5. Back to you, Nancy Reagan.

[cipheramnesia]

I'm Ham Dashwell, and this is traffic on the 53 seconds, every 53 seconds.

[shitpost-field-reporter]

Thanks, Ham! I’m reporting live from the Dash where a surprising number of universes and news broadcasts are colliding. Could your reality be affected? More after the adoptable pet spotlight with Morgan Moore Morbinowitz. Those sharp little blobs could be yours! I’m Shitpost Field Reporter.

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[sayhelloanimalfriends]

no music 🎧

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

So the radiator in our bathroom is fucked, right. Years back when it was installed, the plumber didn't tighten the top valve enough, and the then-slow drip of water made the cap over it rust in place. Now, years later, the cap is fixed, so we can't get to the valve to tighten it now that the drip is more of a steady stream. But losing that much water daily means having to re-pressurise the boiler every day.

Exhibit A:

So I needed to do SOMETHING. I did consider grouting it, but the problem is, there's too much water - grout, sealant etc all need to dry to become waterproof.

However I am an intelligent tool-using creature with great tits, so I decided to stop it up today with simple items from around my home.

Behold, my tools:

Because! As we know! Condoms are waterproof, and about the right size for a snug radiator fit, and then I just need to duct tape it in place for the Ultimate Seal. Duct tape does anything. I'm a genius and there are no flaws in this plan.

I will, however, admit that this bit looked A Bit Silly

BUT, it's fine. Duct tape, as ever, saves the day.

My finished, fixed radiator:

Operation: Radiator Bondage is now complete.

My sister's response was "I have three radiator engineers in my house right now, I'm going to go and ask them what you should do instead."

I think this is Unsupportive

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Breaking news apparently the "professionals" say the answer is "valves"

[bee-dazzle]

I need my darlings to know that this gem is in the notes

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Listen I'm very tired

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Are you my radiator??!

[shitpost-field-reporter]

does your radiator need Domming? What the professionals say might surprise you. What the radiators say will shock you. More at 11.

[zillychu]

absolutely fantastic headline on the news tonight

[argonphoenix]

i love the halal food truck. it does not love me. i need some milk

[argonphoenix]

oklahoma news 9: local white girlboy undergoing extreme agonies for some good as fuck chicken. "its in my sinuses" they say.

[shitpost-field-reporter]

Thanks, Tumblr. I am reporting to you live from the scene where witnesses are describing the events as “another case of white spice hubris”. A local white girlboy, @argonphoenix , attempted to eat spicy chicken from the halal food truck. Unfortunately for them, the spice scale was brown people spicy and this truck does not sell dairy.

When asked why they served such hot chicken to a white person, the truck spokesperson said, “I didn’t warn them it was spicy. It’s a spicy chicken dish. I’m not here to judge people. What happens after is between them and their gods.” Their expression can only be described as a judgey, I-knew-it-would-turn-out-this-way smirk.

@argonphoenix , any comment about how hot this chicken was? Will you be back for more?

[argonphoenix]

thank you for your concern shitpost-field-reporter. i come to this food truck regularly. their spice scale has four levels: no spice, mild, hot, and deadly. i chose mild. it's the kind of burn that sneaks up on you, explodes on your tongue, and then lingers for a few minutes afterwards. that said, the flavor profile of the chicken is absolutely incredible. i will be returning for more self-inflicted torture very soon.

[shitpost-field-reporter]

And there you have it. Undeterred, this spice masochist will be at it again very soon for some more ‘mild’ chicken.

I’m @shitpost-field-reporter , live from the post. Back to you on the dashboard.