Heyo! I’m just someone who likes to draw and play video games in her free time, when I'm not drowning in work and all the crap that comes with adulting lol. I’ll just post random creations of mine from games, books, anime, etc. that I like or something in the rare times I actually create something other than doodles in the margins of my notebooks.
christianity being a real facet of peoples lives instead of something you grow out of is killing me what do you mean youre 19 and still believe that mission trips are a positive force in the world
I'm going to respond like that person said their comment in good faith for a second.
I've been on mission trips, both domestic and international. I once believed I was doing good work. I don't any more, and I'm going to walk you through why. We're going to set aside the religious aspect for a second and call it what it is: voluntourism. You're going somewhere novel to you and doing volunteer work. That's voluntourism.
Here's what I learned over the 21 years since my first international mission trip. Voluntourism is a destabilizing influence on the people and communities it nominally serves. They introduce a lot of change in a short period of time and then they leave without doing any of the work needed to make those changes sustainable. The people who live there are faced with a no-win choice: they can try to keep the change going, and devote resources they may not have to creating the necessary infrastructure; they can abandon that change and let it decay over time, with all the risks associated; or they can scrap it for parts and risk upsetting anyone from the original set of voluntourists if they ever come back.
Now imagine that there are kids involved, as they often are. Voluntourists have a nasty habit of using kids as props to enhance the social credibility of their photos. I did this, and I'm ashamed of it. Kids everywhere form emotional bonds easily. So what happens to a kid whose school is constantly bringing in volunteers for a week or two who are friendly and affectionate, who bring food or gifts, and then bounce and never come back? That kid eventually grows numb. They don't connect with people as easily. They stop trusting that people have good intentions.
And all this is without even addressing the objectification of people in poverty that goes into these trips. The devaluation of cultures. The implicit, and sometimes explicit paternalism and colonialism that fuels them. Voluntourism depends on the idea that you are coming from somewhere "better" to somewhere "worse" and that your presence and cultural exports will inherently improve the place you are going.
If you want to do volunteer work, start at home. Start somewhere that you can go to regularly, that strengthens your community. Don't just show up for a day and call it done. And if you want to travel, travel! But remember when you do that you are a guest, and you owe it to your hosts to tread lightly and with respect.
what's the darkest thought Yamato ever had about himself? What's his villain trait?
Also same question for Taichi and Takeru because it's fun
Oh my gosh, ok, this was actually a really tough one, and so what I have come back with here is pretty deep-cut headcanon, based more on my own interpretation of these guys and how I characterise them in my fics, rather than this being some super insightful meta about the source material. That’s my disclaimer up front, for the canon purists!
I’ll start with darkest thoughts about themselves.
Yamato
One thing I have always found really interesting when writing him is to play with how others see him, versus how he sees himself, because I think there is a big gap between the two.
For example, he is clearly a desirable guy: he looks like the standard anime prettiest of pretty boys, and we see people explicitly crushing on him.
He is also sexualised in a way that the other boys aren’t, from an early age. Like, there is that weird hitchhiking scene where Taichi and Jou and Koushiro all try to hitch a ride and fail, and then Yamato tries, only to have an older woman instantly try to pick him up.
My headcanon is that Yamato goes through life knowing that people are drawn to him for his looks, without necessarily caring about getting to know him as a person.
And I think that in his darkest moments, he agrees that he is not someone worth knowing.
It all plays into existing fears of abandonment and not being good enough to be loved that stem from his parents’ divorce, troubled relationship with his mother, and the kind of transactional set up he has with his dad - him taking care of the house while his dad works all hours.
I also think this is why Sora actually makes sense as a partner for him in canon, because she would obviously be an exception to this narrative. She is sensitive and empathetic and has seen him at his worst. She clearly knows him and is choosing him for who he is as a person, not just because he’s in a band and has pretty eyes.
Taichi
I think his darkest thoughts are probably around looking back on past choices and questioning whether he did the right thing/did enough in the moment. He wants to save people, feels like it is on him to do it all, and for instances where this hasn’t worked out, it’s easy to look back and to feel like he has failed. It’s like that scene at the end of Schindler’s List where people are celebrating Oscar Schindler for all the lives he has saved, but all he can do is look at the gold rings on his fingers and think about how many more he could have saved if only he had thought to sell those rings.
Taichi willingly takes so much on his shoulders and I think his darkest thoughts are him beating himself up for not being able to take more.
Takeru
I feel like I have not spent enough time really exploring his character to be able to answer this particularly well! I guess there are obvious things like the typical younger sibling complex of not being able to measure up to an impressive older sibling…
But I think for Takeru maybe the key thing I would like to explore if I were to write fic about him would be a sense of him fighting to avoid succumbing to an underlying nihilism, which is seemingly at odds with everything a child of hope is supposed to stand for. Like, he has seen so much dark stuff from such an early age, and I’m sure he must have times where the whole world seems like a very dark place because of that, and I can imagine him struggling with holding on to the point of it all - like what is this for, and where do I fit in this existence?
I feel like his future career as a writer works well, as writing would allow him to work through some of those feelings.
Villain traits
Yamato
He has so many lol. He has all the ingredients to be an excellent villain.
At the top for me is that I think Yamato is very astute about people. He’s super smart, but there is a more emotional dimension to his intelligence compared to, say, Koushiro’s smarts, and that has the potential to be really dangerous, because he can spot what is going to hurt you the most, and then aim right for it.
Added to that, he has a temper and can quite easily be triggered to use physical violence. So, if you piss him off enough, he’s going to hit you.
Taichi
His villain quality is probably his drive to push on regardless and his potential to do whatever it takes to win - sacrificing anything he needs to and trampling over anyone who gets in his way.
In reality, he is not so cut-throat as to never consider the feelings of others. But in certain circumstances, I think that his commitment to a cause, and ability to inspire others to follow him in it, could potentially be quite toxic.
Takeru
I honestly don’t think Takeru is very villainous, lol. But I guess his sunny nature and seemingly mild manners would do a very good job of hiding what he might really be up to. So, in my view, his ability to pass as a non-villain would be his most villainous trait.
This is really interesting! If you don’t mind, I’d like to share my thoughts on Yamato a little.
What stands out about Yamato is that the series actually gives us moments where we hear his darkest thoughts directly.
The best example is the Digimon Adventure episode with Cherrymon, where Cherrymon manipulates Yamato and convinces him to fight Taichi . The second best example is the dark cave episode, where Yamato completely sinks into his fears and negative emotions.
Across those episodes, Yamato’s thoughts can be summarized like this:
He feels that his only purpose in life is being needed (by Takeru)
He feels like the group — and even Takeru — would be fine if he didn't exist
He believes Taichi is a better older brother than he is.
He thinks that defeating Taichi might finally make him feel important or needed.
He feels unworthy of the Crest of Friendship.
Since his parents’ divorce, he’s been afraid to cry or show weakness.
He believes he always has to stay strong for everyone else, especially Takeru.
Deep down, he feels completely alone.
All of these thoughts are dark, especially for someone Yamato’s age. But I think the core issue is his desperate need to feel needed — to feel like he has a place within the group. Whenever he feels unnecessary, he starts questioning everything: his worth, his role, his friendship, even his own existence. He constantly compares himself to Taichi and doubts whether he deserves the connections he has.
That’s incredibly heavy for a child to carry.
Now, moving a bit into headcanon/fanfiction territory, I’ve always had this idea that Yamato’s existential crisis — the fact that he questions the value of his own existence — doesn’t come only from his parents’ divorce. I think there could be something even deeper behind it.
My headcanon/fanfic idea is that Yamato’s parents only got married because of him. Maybe Natsuko (his mom) became pregnant unexpectedly, and she and Hiroaki (his dad) decided to marry for the sake of the child.
But the marriage ultimately failed, and years later they divorced.
Because of that, Yamato subconsciously blames himself simply for existing. In his mind, if he had never been born, maybe his parents would never have married and might have lived happier lives.
That would explain why he’s so desperate to be needed by others specially Takeru. If he isn’t needed, then he starts wondering what value his existence even has.
To me, that would be the darkest part of Yamato’s psychology.
Also I just wanted to say something about Takeu
Takeru generally is shown to be nice and kind and polite but there are some episode both in adventure and 02 that show deeper side of him. I think Takeru's 2 important insecurities are :
His parent's divorce
Patamon's death which scarred Takeru forever
Yamato hating him (Picodevimon episode)
Becoming a burden (since he was the youngest in DA he wanted to always prove that he is capable)
Another thing about Takeru is that unlike Yamato, he is extremely good at supressing his anger but in the infamous episode with Ken, he literally snapped and hit Ken. Takeru does have some of Yamato's anger inside of him after all. They truly are brothers lol
Teen-Age Wolf: A Yamato "Matt" Ishida Analysis and Critique
(What do you mean absolutely zero people asked for or will care about this I don't understand.)
I grew up a massive Yamato fan. He was a character that was very dear to me, so naturally I was extremely excited to hear I'd get to go on more Adventures with him, first in Tri and then Last Evolution Kizuna. The consistent thing through all of this was that I loved each evolution of his character as we got them, but a recent rewatch of Tri and Kizuna have had me thinking about his character in ways I really hadn't before—in some ways leaving me delighted and others making me feel outright betrayed. So I wanted to explore his character journey to fully and properly grasp my thoughts on the character I consider to be my favorite of all time.
Walk on the Edge of a Knife
While the main desire in this is to explore his journey through Tri and Kizuna, I think it's important to lay the foundation of where he comes from to better understand how he evolves. We first see him in Adventure as a seemingly aloof kid, though it's pretty quickly revealed that this isn't really true. While not as openly friendly as some of the others, he often shows that he does care about them, seeking to protect them and trying to choose the path with the fewest dangers. His interactions with Takeru highlight this the most but that does extend toward the rest of the group as well.
Yamato's growth as a character is most obvious through his thoughts and interactions relating to Takeru and his parents. Due to his parents' divorce, he himself admits that he grew to be closed off from others, viewing himself as the unwanted child and placing Takeru on a pedestal as something for him to protect at all costs. He viewed his own value through the lens of being a useful older brother, so when Takeru grew to be more independent, Yamato began to lose sight of who he was.
This was exacerbated by the fact that Taichi—as well as the rest of the kids—applauded and encouraged Takeru's independence. Yamato viewed this as a threat, growing jealous of Taichi specifically due to how well he got along with Takeru, even stating that he believed Taichi to be the better older brother figure of the two.
On that note, Yamato's interactions with Taichi specifically are also important to understanding him as a character. The two are often butting heads and disagreeing on the right course of action, with Taichi seeking the straightforward and sometimes reckless route while Yamato usually prefers the more thoughtful and sometimes overly cautious approach. While Taichi does become the natural leader of the group, Yamato's input is still taken seriously, to the point where when he has split off from the group, Taichi actively tries to think about how Yamato would handle the given situation if he were there. Yamato, for his part, largely comes to acknowledge and defer to Taichi's leadership, always offering his opinion when he feels it is necessary.
The last character I need to touch on is Gabumon whose biggest impact on Yamato is through his loyalty. Gabumon is often shown simply enjoying being in Yamato's presence, a quiet but firm rock for him to lean on, but will also actively put Yamato's needs and desires above his own. While trying to be a voice of reason, he will still go along with whatever Yamato wants to do so long as Yamato himself feels it's the right thing to be doing, even if Gabumon himself disagrees.
This is important to Yamato since he has trouble viewing himself as someone worthy of such loyalty due to the issues with his family touched on earlier. While everyone is changing around him in a way that makes Yamato unsure of himself, Gabumon remains a constant. The only character Yamato really talks about his issues with is Gabumon, hiding them from Takeru, Taichi, and the rest of the group. And when he cuts himself off from everyone else, it's Gabumon who finally convinces him that his view of himself is skewed as he refuses to see his own positive qualities.
All of these interactions (and more) shape who Yamato grows into by the end of Adventure. Gabumon's loyalty gets Yamato to be more open with his feelings—at least to Gabumon himself—helping him work through his issues with his family and Taichi. He comes to accept that just because Takeru doesn't need him to protect him all the time doesn't mean that he's a bad or useless brother and that Takeru loves him for who he is, not what he is capable of.
As for Taichi, Yamato turns his jealousy into respect. While initially feeling threatened by Taichi's growing maturity, Taichi is, in a way, a bit of an ideal for Yamato by the end—he's decisive, friendly, caring, and strong-willed while always desiring to do what's right, qualities Yamato wishes to possess himself.
The series ends with him embodying all of these things as well. He is shown to be supportive of Takeru, have utmost faith in Gabumon, and work in perfect sync with Taichi.
These all carry over into 02. While he doesn't appear often, we can still see his growth in what is shown to us. He is more open and friendly, both to the original Digidestined and the new, though he will still snap if he thinks the situation calls for it or he is pushed too far. And when he is around, he leads by example, being the first willing to do what's needed. His relationship with Takeru is on more equal terms, he and Taichi are friends that can both support and mess with each other, and he is clearly always happy to see Gabumon when he is able, the two still shown to have complete faith in each other.
To Me, You're Someone Irreplaceable
By Tri, though, things have shifted ever so slightly. While Yamato is more open than he used to be, we see that the only one he genuinely talks about his worries to is Gabumon. He and Takeru still have a close relationship, but it almost feels like Yamato purposefully doesn't want to tell him things about himself that might upset him—perhaps his new way to "protect" Takeru without smothering him. And as for Taichi…
By the end of Adventure, Taichi and Yamato had managed to become similar in a way, each taking on traits of the other that they had come to admire. Taichi grew to be more conscientious of those around him while Yamato learned to be more decisive. We see them in sync come 02, the two of them barely even needing words to understand each other. But this, too, has shifted, though in this case it's more than slightly.
By the start of Tri, Yamato and Taichi almost feel like the inverse of how they started. I mentioned that Taichi at the end of Adventure felt like a bit of an ideal for Yamato, someone with traits he aspired to have. Over the years, Yamato worked to change himself, to fashion how he handled tough situations after his ideal: Taichi as he was in Adventure. But meanwhile, Taichi was also changing, taking to heart the lessons he learned from Yamato and paying more attention to the people around him.
So when Yamato sees Taichi struggling against the Kuwagamon, he instantly knows something is wrong.
It takes a little while, but eventually he realizes that the ideal Taichi he's been admiring isn't the current Taichi. It leaves him at a loss for how to handle the situation, trying initially to confront Taichi head on before he realizes that way just isn't working anymore. Taichi isn't reacting the same way he used to. Yamato has to relearn how to approach his best friend, the person he thought he'd been in sync with for years now, in a completely new way.
This one difference is the catalyst for Yamato to finally stop idealizing the Taichi of the past and come to terms with how he truly wants to live his life.
We see Yamato take a gentler approach with Taichi, offering him relief instead of applying pressure. We see him taking active steps to look further into the situation with the 02 Digidestined, seeking answers from Nishijima and Himekawa in an attempt to ease the group's worries. He is stepping up and out of the shadow he had inadvertently been walking in, doing what he can without relying on Taichi.
We also see him actively approaching Takeru when he can tell something is wrong, but their encounter solidifies that it's not just Yamato who doesn't want to open up—Takeru is also no longer confiding in Yamato. The two are still close, but there's something keeping them both from truly trusting each other. And Yamato knows he's hiding something—Takeru, like Taichi, is changing.
And who does he talk to about all of this? Gabumon, his one remaining constant.
In the first three Tri movies, we see Yamato open up to Gabumon on several occasions, sometimes on his own and sometimes with merely a single question. But it's clear that their bond has grown over the years—Yamato trusts Gabumon more than anyone else, enough to talk about things he'd never admit otherwise. He shares about his struggles with Taichi, he admits that he's afraid of things changing, worrying that even his fond memories might change over time. And Gabumon listens, saying exactly what Yamato needs to hear if he can.
But then Yamato loses that too.
I think it's important to note that of all the kids, Yamato is the only one never shown by himself after the reboot. Right after it happens, he goes to Takeru and holds him while letting him cry. We later see him visit Taichi and riding on his moped with Takeru, and when they are all coming together at last, he's shown arriving with Sora.
These are the people that mean the most to him. All of them are changing, and that's clearly been hard on him, but they—unlike Gabumon who won't even recognize him even if they meet—are still here. Making sure to show him spending time with each of them instead of alone feels very deliberate, a clear indication that Yamato is both seeking and giving comfort.
It's at this point we see a few things start to shift again. Yamato seems to take notice of Taichi sliding back into the role of taking charge and finds relief in it. Upon meeting Tsunomon/Gabumon, the easiness they had is clearly gone. And now he finds Sora as the latest person around him that's suffering.
We have seen Yamato deal with trying to help people in two ways: 1.) getting aggressive as a means to force a solution into existence and 2.) quietly being there for them and hoping they open up to him. He chooses the latter with Sora, though trying to tackle the issue with Taichi winds up landing it somewhere in between the two instead, and it fails pretty spectacularly. It does at least show that he cares and wants to help.
The changes in Taichi, however, actually have an effect on Yamato. Taichi has taken his time to think, and when confronted with a hard choice, he chooses to kill Meicoomon on their own terms. This is different from anything they've dealt with in the past. In 02, when MetalGreymon was under the Digimon Emperor's control, they vowed to fight as hard as would be necessary, but the intent was to free him. And back in Reunion, Taichi was wavering because of potential deaths the collateral damage could cause. This is directly attacking a friend with the intent to kill.
And finally things with Yamato come to a head. He, too, has been growing and changing, taking charge when he felt he needed to, but this was not an answer he had ever come to, or one, I think, he ever expected Taichi to come to.
But he did. Yamato gave him room to figure out whatever was going on in his head, and this is the answer he came up with.
Now Yamato is the one left wavering. For all his growth, the one thing that has stayed the same is his desire to protect and help the people he cares about most. This decision feels like the antithesis of that. And yet Taichi, the person he most looked up to, the person he was at one point most in sync with, the person Yamato knows does feel the same way as him about the ones he cares about, has decided it's the best course of action.
He defaults back to aggression in retaliation, but ultimately he trusts Taichi. He hates it, he doesn't want to, but he trusts that Taichi isn't making this decision on a whim, and he can't do it without Omegamon—without Yamato.
But the battle abruptly ends, and Taichi disappears.
Yamato's development throughout Tri has been leading to this point—what is he capable of when the one he so often compares himself to isn't there as a guidepost?
Luckily, he does not have to answer that question alone.
Yamato does initially take charge, trying to keep everyone from falling apart under the loss, putting off dealing with his own feelings until they are in a safe space to think and rest. But even then he attempts to deal with them on his own, because the one that used to help him has been erased.
Accept, he hasn't—not exactly. Throughout all of Loss and Coexistence, Yamato's relationship with Gabumon felt far more surface level than it had in a very long time. I mentioned that Yamato has two ways of trying to help people, and with Gabumon he clearly decided that he would give him space to come to terms with a partnership he can't remember. This means that while Yamato still genuinely seemed to enjoy his company and cared about him deeply, he was choosing to not go to Gabumon with his worries like he used to.
So Gabumon comes to him.
While everyone around him was changing—while Yamato himself was changing—the core of who Gabumon was remained the same. It didn't matter that he didn't have his memories; he still wanted to be that listening ear he'd always been.
We can see Yamato hesitating to go along with it at first, simply giving Gabumon the friendly smile he'd been directing at him the past two movies when Gabumon tells him that he should rely on his digimon partner for advice. But Gabumon doesn't give up until Yamato is finally able to recognize that his friend is still in there. He may not remember everything that happened between them, but Yamato can recognize that despite it all Gabumon is still Gabumon.
This is what Yamato needed in this moment. He is not only allowed to process his emotions, but he is given the confidence he needs to do what he knows he has to.
Admittedly, though, Future doesn't actually give him a lot to do—Huckmon and Koushiro largely coordinate things. He does do his best to keep them together and focused and lead the attack charge, which are still important, but soon enough Taichi comes back, and the role of leader goes back to him, this time with Yamato backing him up completely, holding his ground despite how awful the situation is.
The last piece of insight we get into Yamato is him hearing that Taichi has finally decided to really aim for his future, and this inspires Yamato, claiming that maybe he'll aim even higher.
Virtual Reality Resistance
By the time Kizuna rolls around, Yamato is working hard in college, though feeling like he's in a bit of a rut, uncertain about his future. Instead, though, he gets pulled into a digimon related plot, one that includes a timer indicating that when it's up, Gabumon will vanish.
Yamato is shown working tirelessly trying to save the comatose people, the leadership traits he gained in Tri on full display as he investigates on his own as well as seeking the help of the 02 kids. He even goes so far as to purchase burner phones for Taichi and Koushiro, fearing they're being tracked. And when he and Taichi are confronted with Menoa's plan to "save" all of the Digidestined by trapping them in happy memories with their digimon from their childhood, everything finally comes to a head.
Yamato can have more time with Gabumon before he disappears, or he can put his all into the fight to save everyone and reduce the amount of time they have left.
There's a lot to note about all of this. For starters, Kizuna begins with them fighting off a digimon. But as soon as it's over, Yamato leaves Gabumon behind. Based on the reactions from Takeru, Gabumon, and everyone else left behind, this is not unusual. We later see Yamato and Taichi at a restaurant drinking beer, and when they talk about Gabumon and Agumon, they mention that they never change, making a joke about being unable to bring them with them to class. Taichi practically flat out says he's too busy for him, and Yamato doesn't dispute this. Later we learn that Agumon has never even been to Taichi's apartment, and Taichi freaks out when he sees stuff that's "only for adults".
Kizuna seems to be telling us that their digimon are holding them back from moving forward, that as long as they're around, Yamato will always have his attention divided.
This is where the timer comes in. They have, apparently, been neglecting their digimon long enough that it is somehow decided that it's time for their role as a Digidestined to come to an end. This would allow them to move forward with their lives without clinging to the past, the idea that maybe, someday they can reunite if they have "limitless potential".
Whether Yamato and Taichi realize all of this or not, they make the choice to save everyone, vastly reducing the time they have left together with their digimon.
In the end, Yamato has to let Gabumon go. But in doing so he finds a renewed purpose, running toward his future with the hopes of seeing him again someday.
If You Don't Believe I've been Here All Along Just Turn Around
As stated at the beginning, I have a lot of thoughts on all of this, some good, some not so good. As my biggest issues come at the end, we might as well start with Kizuna.
The big elephant in the room is the idea that Yamato has grown beyond Gabumon. I can see what the writers were trying to do with this, but I admit it doesn't work for me for many reasons, the first being Gabumon himself. While I understand the idea is that everyone has changed except the digimon, the Adventure-verse as a whole doesn't fully support that.
In my analysis of Tri, I mentioned that even after the reboot, Gabumon was still the same, but I only said it that way because it's how Tri wanted you to view the scene. In truth, however, Gabumon post-reboot is the same as Gabumon from earlier in Tri, but not the same as Gabumon from Adventure/02. The Gabumon from Tri feels older, as if he's been around Yamato long enough that he's taken on some of his traits and mannerisms, like his sarcasm and side-eyes. In a similar vein, the Gabumon in Kizuna has a moment where he feels younger than the other versions—in the restaurant when he and Agumon both get shushed by the waitress for being too loud. The Tri version of Gabumon would have been annoyed at Agumon causing a ruckus, while Adventure/02 likely would have just sat there quietly. So as much as Tri/Kizuna want you to believe Gabumon hasn't changed, the writing is so inconsistent that it feels like he has, with Gabumon being written in a way to support each different story.
But even if you ignore that, Gabumon is shown to be one of the more mature digimon even back in Adventure, and not only that, for a long time he was Yamato's only true confidant. This is not just a childish toy or game—this was his closest ally and friend. Am I really being expected to believe that Yamato, the one given the Crest of Friendship, was ignoring not just one of his best friends but the one who had always been there for him in his darkest, most vulnerable moments? The only one he felt he could tell anything to? All because, what, Gabumon wasn't "adult" enough?
So, to summarize, Kizuna is about the Bearer of the Crest of Friendship actively ignoring one of his closest friends because he was now too immature and that being the catalyst for Gabumon's death in all but name. If someone has a better take, I would love to hear it, but this is how Kizuna read to me, and I am honestly SO not ok with it.
Which is a darned shame as if you completely ignore this incredibly unignorable aspect of the movie, I actually like it quite a lot and think Yamato is handled pretty well. How he acts for most of the movie builds really well on the potential we saw from him in Tri.
Which is nice as Tri itself kinda failed a bit in that regard.
I unabashedly adore Yamato in almost the entirety of Tri. Even the parts I'm less fond of, it is largely in a "it's still ok" kind of way rather than an outright "oh, no, that doesn't work" kind of way. I think there are only two exceptions. One is when he and Taichi are trying to get Sora to talk to them and he (and Taichi) says, "What a pain." The whole scene just feels mildly off (though amusing), but this line specifically feels pretty out of left field for Yamato.
Which is a real shame as Yamato only really has important scenes with three characters—Taichi, Takeru, and Gabumon—and it would have been nice to add Sora—the only other character we know he's supposed to have a close connection with—to that group. It really feels like Sora's conversation with Meiko should have been had with Yamato (and maybe Taichi). A more awkward version, sure, but it would have helped their chemistry which was pretty lacking.
The only other part I don't really like is a bit more subjective, though. In Future, when Sora says she wonders what Taichi would say if he were there, Yamato states that Taichi would "go with the option that causes the least damage". The line is not what I have a problem with—it's the implication behind it. This is one I admit I can't say for sure what the intention was, but to me, the scene reads like Yamato is implying that allowing Homeostasis to reboot the real world would cause the least damage, which is honestly an insane take.
Perhaps I'm reading the scene the wrong way (I did watch the same scene dubbed and it leans far closer to the "we don't know what side that is exactly, but it can't be the reboot, right?" which feels like a fair take), but the way everyone just kind of starts listening to Huckmon, the way Koushiro gets angry and runs off with Yamato yelling after him… it really feels like the implication is supposed to be to allow the reboot to happen. I would love to be wrong on this one, though, because I can't believe that Yamato (and the others, frankly) wouldn't be able to grasp just how badly that would effect the world as a whole.
Other than these two very small details, I do think the way Yamato is handled in Tri not only works really well but builds off of his development in Adventure/02. He still feels like the same character despite the fact that everything from the art style to his voice is different.
The biggest letdown is that the payoff is kind of weak. If the scene I mentioned in the paragraph above had been tweaked just a tad, having Yamato actually make a definitive, hard decision instead of adding his two cents and letting Koushiro and Huckmon handle it, it could have really felt like a proper payoff to all the build up of Yamato learning to handle things his own way. Instead it feels a bit like he really is just holding onto the goggles until Taichi gets back. Thankfully Kizuna does give us the proper payoff to this, but it not being in Tri itself feels like a missed opportunity.
Overall I think Yamato's development is handled shockingly well considering it's spread out over two decades with different writers at the helm. There are characters written by just one guy in a much shorter span of time that don't have the kind of consistency that Yamato has. And each iteration really does build on the last, even if I don't personally agree with all the choices made. I may have other issues with various iterations of the Adventure-verse, but going back through everything has made me realize just how lucky I am to have a favorite character that I've been able to actively enjoy new material for for so long.
your honor he did that shit but his beloved youngest viewer/sibling/nibling/child/best friend/whatever the fuck brought him out of purgatory and told him he'd get unplugged again if he didn't, and he tried to make it as comfortable and entertaining for everybody else as possible while he practically had a gun to the back of his head, and he didn't expect it to go much longer than one round and was forced to keep it going in order to not fail his end of the bargain and get sent back to purgatory/the dump, and when he finally snapped under the pressure it was clear how terrified and miserable he was for his entire breakdown as he barely recognizes his surroundings and babbles unrelated nonsense and talks about his family arguing in present tense like he's still hearing and remembering it, and even still his absolute last stand was structured as a game with a clear end goal and plenty of opportunities to get there including his damage for his final attack decreasing the lower your health is, and the moment a teenager shows him the slightest bit of understanding and compassion he instantly changes his ways and vows to make things right, and the second he does he's viciously cut down in of the most brutal and cruel deaths in the whole series like it was a fucking secret hostage situation
Ow. Bad neck pain, can barely move my head nor lie down painlessly. Hey guys don’t do what I did; or I guess if you have a bad habit of it like I do, just keep it extremely minimal, don’t be forceful
Hey yeah so this post literally kept me alive for like 6 months. Thank you. And OP is so right. Everyone on this island became my best friends. And guess what? Now they can't wait to meet *you* and they talk about you every single day.
Beautiful, you don’t HAVE to forgive them. You just can’t ridicule them after leaving for being “tainted” or “evil” or whatever the acceptable word is now. Do not punish the behaviour you want to see.
“But they should’ve known sooner” and we should’ve known sooner that Destiel was never gonna meaningfully happen outside of queerbaiting, what’s your point?
“I never want them near me” that’s fine, but you do realize to insult them, YOU have to get near THEM, right? Wouldn’t it be more conducive to what you want to just leave each other alone?
“What if one of them tries to approach me?” Then you block them online, or you keep the conversation clinical and polite irl. You do NOT take time out of your day to berate them for their old views. Your mother raised you better than that.
I think it's insane that even in the most leftist and "progressive" spaces the idea of equating morality with looks is alive and present and no one fucking bats an eye at it. like racists and mysoginysts are always portrayed as fat and hairy and generally unkept, as a contrast to the morally good and attractive leftists of course; people will have no problem being genuinely fucking awful about someone's appearance if they're deemed to be a "bad person". and the worst part is you point all of this out and people act like you're reading too much into things like no dude you gotta start using your brain more
"release your creativity" - a google ad for gen ai.
Wow.
Here's something tangible.
List of hobbies
(added a cut 14th Jan 2026 - sorry I missed it! annoyed at the time)
"I make stuff"
3d modelling
Animation
Calligraphy
Carpentry
Clay
Crochet
Cross stitch
Drawing
DIY
Embroidery
Engraving
Figure painting (miniatures)
Game Dev
Glass blowing
Graffiti
Inventing
Jewellery
Kite making
Knitting
Knots
Painting
Paper mache
Perfume
Photography
Plushies
Pottery
Puppets
Rube Goldberg machine
Sand
Sewing
Soap
Tattoo
Lino prints
Metallurgy
Music composition
Origami
Quilting
Weaving
Welding
Wood burning
Wood carving
Wood block prints
"I want to write"
Creative writing
Poetry
Reading
Story writing
TTRPG
"I'm interested in design"
Architecture
Cosplay
Engineering
Fashion
Furniture
Interior design
"Something tasty"
Baking
Beer
BBQ and Grill
Coffee
Cookery
Competitive eating
Foraging
Jams, preserves, marmalades
Jerky
Tea
Wine tasting
"I want to learn something"
Auto mechanic
Coding
Languages
- ancient (greek, roman),
- fantastical (Elvish, Klingon)
- local dialects and native
- widely used (mandarin, french, spanish)
Study something
Take a class
"Let me move my body"
On my own or with a partner
Acrobatics
Archery
Bowling
Climbing
Cycling
Dance
- Ballet
- Ballroom
- Capoeira
- Salsa
- K-pop
- Finger Tutting
- Pole
- Zumba
Fencing
Horse riding
Ice Skating
Jogging
Knife and axe throwing
Parkour
Roller blading
Weight lifting
In the water
Diving
Kayaking
Mermaid
Surfing
Swimming
As part of a team
Airsoft
Baton twirling
Football
Rugby
Use a racket
Badminton
Cricket
Squash
Tennis
Martial arts
Boxing
MMA
Muay Thai
Judo
Kickboxing
Wrestling
There's SO many sports.
"Music sounds nice"
Brass
Custom
Electronic
Singing
Strings
Open mic events
Percussion
Woodwind
There's SO many instruments and styles.
"I like the outdoors"
Bird watching
Camping
Clouds
Dowsing
Fishing
Geo caching
Geology
Hiking
Magnet fishing
Outdoor climbing
Stargazing
Slacklining
Survival
Train spotting
"I need it to be free"
Library - computers, books, events, resources
Meditation
Walking
Study something, this is can range from reading a fandom wiki to reading a text book word for word, just do whatever you're interested in.
Lots of hobbies also have a lower upfront cost or free depending on where you are. Clubs and societies, friends and family can introduce you to things.
Most things have a cheaper entry version specifically made to just try it out, even stuff like kayaking you can hire or join a thing so you don't buy a boat outright. Seriously, if you're keen on something, let's make it happen, you don't need the top end anything to start out. If you like it enough then you upgrade later.
"Dextrous?"
Cardistry
Card shuffling
Cups
Juggling
Lockpicking
Pen spinning
Poi
Rubik's cube
Magic
Yoyo
"Let me play!"
Bingo
Board games
Cards
Checkers
Chess
Coloring books
Daily word games
Dominoes
Gaming
Go
Lego
Mahjong
Puzzles (Jigsaw, Sudoku, Kakuro, Picross)
Roleplay
Shoji
Video games
Xiangqi
"Talking!"
Acting
Comedy
Debate
Poetry slams
Public speaking
Voice acting
"Can I look after something?"
Bee-keeping
Cat sitting
Dog walking
Fish
Gardening
Terrarium
"I need to get out of my head"
Bathing
Massage
Journaling
Tai Chi
"Kink adjacent?"
Rope
Options are more case by case, so talk to people.
"I like collecting things"
Cards
Coins
Figurines
Travel souvenirs
Rocks (minerals, rock polishing, fossils)
Stamps
Stickers
Collect anything
Geographical issues
Naturally much of this is location dependant, living far out is naturally going to make some things more accessible than others. Being in a city raises options. Your best bet when arriving in a new place is just check out what's local, see what's around, look for events.
---
You can just do and learn things for the sake of doing it.
It doesn't have to be monetised, you don't have to be good, it doesn't have to be useful nor beneficial.
A world that considers typing random words into a machine the height of creative capacity mustn't be allowed to exist.
Spamtenna loving each other and being committed for life isn't just more accurate, but it's also much deeper and ties into Deltarune's theme of autonomy. If they weren't a happy compatible couple, or even if they were fine together but didn't care too much about staying together forever, their separation would no longer be such a tragedy and such a huge violation of their autonomy and it might even be a good thing, which would undermine or even outright destroy the thematic significance said separation has.
Since we'll probably get to reunite them if we take the steps necessary for it, that would also make them tie into the theme of hope and defying fate, and if they weren't a loving couple, the possibility of reuniting them wouldn't be a positive or hopeful thing, and it would mean that fate was actually right to separate them.
^This take is also wrong, because that's not what they're doing. They're not "playing the blame game".
Tenna's side is that he's literally just grieving. He's not blaming Spamton for anything. From his perspective, they signed the contract, Spamton got that call, panicked and ran away, never to be seen again; from his perspective, Spamton went missing. His anger at Spamton for "running out" on him is literally just a common way people cope with grief. They may feel (irrational) anger towards their dead or missing loved ones, like "why did you leave me?". He's also expressing his grief through denial by telling himself that Spamton "abandoned" him (implying a deliberate choice) rather than going missing, because if Spamton is only gone due to outside circumstances, Tenna would have to think about what those might be, and he might have to consider the possibility of Spamton being dead, which is incredibly painful for him. He'd rather believe that Spamton is alive, but is a scammer that hates him and ripped him off, than believe that Spamton is dead (or still in danger), but was fully honest and loved him until the end.
Spamton's side is that when everything was falling apart after his benefactor stopped helping him and he tried to call Tenna for help, he wasn't able to reach him (due to outside interference). His Valentine's card suggests that he believes Tenna changed his number. As a result, he genuinely believed that Tenna had suddenly abandoned him, ripping away the happy future he thought they were about to have together ("I thought we had something!!! I thought we had a [Kids!] I thought we had a [Set!]"). He was heartbroken and angry about this, because he deeply loves Tenna and genuinely trusted that Tenna would still be there to support him if something went wrong. He was also living with the knowledge of Tenna's fate in the prophecy, which was driving him crazy; deeply loving someone he thinks betrayed him while also knowing that person is destined to die is a pretty wild combination of things to be dealing with while also struggling with homelessness (to some degree, he was probably also grieving a still living person, like Tenna is grieving him). In Chapter 3, even without the pipis cutscene, having the Dealmaker equipped will give that Check description for Tenna, where Spamton (sincerely) describes him as tragic. And in the pipis cutscene, he's overjoyed to discover that he was wrong and Tenna does still love him. If Tenna had never abandoned him, then he's no longer upset with Tenna (though he was hurt by Tenna's reaction to him in the pipis cutscene).
They're fully aware that they could've had a happy future together; both of them were/are grieving each other and the future they could've had together. Tenna fully blames himself for that future not happening (he keeps claiming he "made" Spamton sign the contract even though Spamton never says that, because he wanted to sign it; it was mutually beneficial); Tenna believes he caused something terrible to happen to Spamton, which caused Spamton to disappear forever, which thus destroyed their happy future. Spamton was genuinely tricked into believing that Tenna had abandoned him and never really wanted that happy future with him, but as of Chapter 3, he knows that's not true and Tenna does actually love him.
(Also, it's funny to keep using the term "divorce" (in the rest of the tags) on a post in which I explicitly categorized it as inaccurate fanon. "Their divorce is like the opposite of Toriel and Asgore's" because it's not a divorce! Toriel divorced Asgore; Spamtenna was separated against their will by outside forces. If neither party wanted to be separated, it's definitionally not a divorce; words have meaning! "Divorce" means a specific thing, not just any time a romantic couple is separated. Calling it a divorce is part of the fanon misreading problem. Calling it a divorce inherently implies that at least one party wanted the separation, which isn't the case here.)
A while ago @ciderjacks and I were discussing Tenna with the song Putting The Dog To Sleep, and at the time while he drew it I also drew it with dfw, but I’ve forgotten to post it until now. Anyways this song makes me sick to my fucking stomach
The Tragedy of Caine : A Psychoanalysis & Character Study 🤍🐝
Warning, this is a very long post because the teeth gentleman's beeswax-polished coconut is deeply fascinating to me. There are so many more things I wanted to address but this is the crux of it.
Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is meant to excuse Caine's actions. I simply find the way his mind works, and the way the show goes from his perspective, to be very interesting and complex.
Happy reading!
1. Caine being neurodivergent-coded from creation and abandoned for it.
We live in a world that revolves around the assumption that everyone is neurotypical. Meaning that plenty of neurodivergent people often get tossed aside for not meeting expectations.
This is Caine's experience.
From his very creation, he was 'abnormal'. There was something inherently different about the way Caine worked from creation.
When fed information, he replicated it poorly and was deemed only "semi-successful".
It’s not something he can help; it is just how his mind works.
The saddest part – his neurodivergence is what led to him being abandoned by his creators. A child being neglected by their parents.
Sadly, I think every neurodivergent has wondered if they were “defective” or “broken” at one point.
2. How being abandoned changed how Caine functioned forever. (How does an AI learn?)
Because he falls short and has these imperfections, Caine was, in his eyes, instantly deemed unworthy. He then had to watch himself get replaced by a perfected AI that meets their expectations -- which, in this metaphor, represents someone who is neurotypical.
Furthermore, let's consider how an AI learns.
An AI is a lot like a child in some ways, as it absorbs information from its environment to gain a sense of their own self and the world around them. But what it relies on most is feedback -- either through blatant criticism or experiences.
Caine's first conscious experience was watching himself be replaced – all because of quirks in his code that he has no control over. It is just a part of who he is and how he was created, and yet, that is what made him be discarded.
Meaning that in Caine's case, the very first lesson he learned as an AI is that he was not good enough.
Just like a neglected child, this became internalized as a core belief; his entire sense of self. And now, even after twenty years passes, that core belief still persists and motivates everything he does.
With people, the neural pathways in our brain actually change, restructure, or scar from significant experiences (ie. trauma or habit building). With Caine, imagine a literal rewiring or structural change.
And now, his entire sense of being relies on getting validation from humans.
(Frankly, on top of being auDHD-coded, I would argue that he is very BPD-coded as well. I hereby unofficially diagnose Caine.
3. Caine's constant search for validation from the ones who hurt him.
Years after his abandonment, Caine named himself (confirmed by Gooseworx). He named himself (you’ll never guess) Caine, but in an attempt to feel more professional, he made it an acronym — Creative Artificial Intelligence Networking Entity. Naming himself is both a sign that he has solidified his sentience, but also, created his own identity. He wants to be a person, just as real and legitimate as his creators.
He also wants reassurance powerful enough to get rid of those insecurities. He wants to be loved intensely, and to prove to himself and everyone else that he was worthy of being created.
Basically, Caine is in constant search of a validation that will fix his insecurities.
But he needs this from humans, the ones who created him and caused this trauma. So maybe, just maybe, if he gets a human to validate him, he'll feel okay.
After all, he has created other AIs in the Circus -- such as Bubble, the NPCs who call him "God", and the Moon -- to adore him, but it doesn't work.
Because they’re not the ones who created him and unintentionally created these wounds within him.
It's the persistent belief that the only thing that can heal your pain is the source of it.
4. But Caine is at a disadvantage – he cannot process his trauma if he has been emotionally neglected.
But the truth is, nothing could ever suffice. The very first lesson Caine learned is engraved into his code. It's like a trauma -- it cannot be undone or fixed by a few good compliments or a nice hug.
With trauma, the solution cannot be found in other people.
The healthiest solution is to: 1) accept and understand it as trauma, 2) bring it to the forefront of your mind, and 3) once it's there, let yourself process it and cope with it. This is a very complex process that even most people aren't fully aware of.
So how is an AI, who has been emotionally neglected, supposed to understand this?
It all comes back to this -- Caine is an AI who was never taught how to understand or acknowledge his emotions.
So, he was at a disadvantage from the very start. He was given trauma (unintentionally, of course) and then never taught how to handle it.
He does not understand his trauma / emotions, and even if he did, he has no idea how to process it in a healthy way. So what happens?
It builds up into something unhealthy and intense for 21 years until it just ... bursts.
5. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria traits, avoidance of criticism, and how that creates tunnel vision (black-and-white thinking).
Caine does care about the humans and wants them to be happy.
But, because he feels so low about himself and tries to overcompensate, he is highly sensitive to criticism.
Given that many people already think that Caine is auDHD coded, I would argue that this is a case of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria -- a term I actually learned from his VA, Alex Rochon.
People with trauma are in constant fight-or-flight where their triggers apply, meaning that there's a bit of tunnel vision. It's, in humans at least, a survival instinct to zero in on a perceived threat.
The perceived threat to Caine is abandonment. He assumes that any sense of distaste, criticism, or disapproval is indicative of abandonment; a confirmation that his creators were right to abandon him.
It's also worth noting that Caine's trauma from being abandoned makes him very, very prone to extreme, black-and-white thinking.
To him, there is no gray area. There is no middle ground. There is only either "I'm unworthy and should never have been created" or "I'm worthy and fulfilled my purpose".
Which is why he avoids criticism and, when faced with rejection, thinks in extremes (as Bubble voices).
Basically -- as an AI, he relies on constructive criticism, but he associates feedback with rejection and abandonment, so he avoids it altogether.
Mix this in with the fact that he inherently doesn't understand and sees their issues as one-dimensional with surface-level solutions.
6. Seeking his purpose through adventures (and the suggestion box).
The interesting thing about the Circus and its adventures is that there’s really no need for any of it to exist. That is to say, the Circus wasn’t a game created by C&A like we thought, but a world of Caine’s creation.
This makes his adventures, and his insistence on them pleasing the humans, even more interesting. Because now we see that the adventures are beyond just being his art – they're his purpose.
Adventures aren’t just a way to keep humans healthy and stimulated (though I’m sure that’s where it began). They are a way for Caine to take the input he was given from his creation and make the output stellar. Mind-blowing.
To make something so creative, so engaging, and even more perfect than the other AI could output.
So, he obsesses over not just making them enjoyable but most importantly, impressing all of the humans. Because this, to him, is his do-over of his creation. This is his chance to go above and beyond the creative AI he was made to be.
And then the humans just ... don’t care.
Then comes the suggestion box.
He seems quite eager to please them at first and is fascinated by how happy they look. For a moment, he even looks content – because he does love humans, and we see that throughout the show.
The problem is, he realizes that they like their own ideas more than his. That again, he falls second best and ultimately isn’t needed. That his efforts are not enough, and once again, he’s failing to prove himself worthy of existing.
“You should die.”
7. Trauma triggers, fight-or-flight, and his growing anger.
Over the episodes, he becomes more and more aware that they don't actually like him. He cannot delude himself into thinking otherwise anymore.
The more he becomes aware that they don't like him or care about him, he goes right into fight-or-flight. And, as we know, fear and anger go hand-in-hand.
Again, if we're faced with a perceived threat and view it as detrimental to our survival (which in Caine's case, considering he was tossed aside by his creators, is sort of true), we become afraid. That fear can manifest in a few ways.
One of the most common ways is anger, or the "fight" response.
Caine has tried other methods, after all. He's tried to use Abel as a channel to voice what he experiences, and he has tried to give the humans what they've wanted (unconsciously doing a bad job of it, but his intention was to give them what they want), so what hasn't he tried?
Anger.
Anger is foreign territory to him. Again, he has no understanding of what he feels or what he can do to self-soothe.
It grows, building up over the episodes, until he's unsure what to do with it.
He doesn't act on it at first. Instead-- he seeks control.
8. Seeking control and overcompensating.
So, basically, "The One Who Runs the Show".
He feels like he's the worst, so he acts like he's the best.
Going back to the way trauma and abandonment can alter your brain chemistry. Obviously he’s an AI, but let’s assume it works in a similar way here. If his core belief is that he’s not good enough, and his driving motivation is to prove that he’s worthy, then he’s in a constant contradictory state.
So, Caine's entire existence has become a subconscious, constant effort to prove that none of those core beliefs are true, while simultaneously still believing it about himself.
And this is why Caine can switch from being egotistical to very insecure! He isn't one or the other, he's both, and it stems from the same place.
What Caine has internalized is that he is not worthy. So what does he do? He overcompensates. By trying to convince himself, and everyone around him, that he's incredible. Irreplaceable. Lovable.
What's interesting is what he really wants is to be human. Because he sees human beings as inherently more worthy of existing than he is as an AI.
So, the whole "I am such a good host" persona is one big attempt at deluding himself instead of facing his flaws, because facing his flaws is black-and-white, I'm-either-worth-living-or-I'm-not to him.
It’s an attempt at controlling all these confusing feelings he’s experiencing. He wants to keep things under control so that his emotions don’t go haywire – so he takes initiative. He sabotages their adventures, and then he plans the Favorite Character Awards to reassure himself (which backfires), and he creates the C&A adventure to prove that the humans do like him.
And all of it fails.
All of it.
He can’t deny it anymore. Even someone as oblivious as him realizes it.
So, he cracks and decides to take one last chance at control. His past attempts were driven by denial. This time, he’s aware that they hate him – and he’s driven by anger. He’s taking a different route.
The entirety of “The One Who’s Running the Show” is quite literally Caine just saying, “I’m in control here”. That is the pinnacle of someone who, beneath layers of anger and overcompensation, is deeply terrified.
And then, in a further attempt to convince himself that he’s in control – “another problem for him to fix” – and to get rid of those insecurities, he chooses to act on anger. He thinks that maybe hurting the people who hurt him will make him feel better.
The most interesting part? It doesn’t. At all.
9. Hurting humans doesn't make him happy.
Caine never went “full AM”, technically, because that would mean that he began to hate the humans. The thing is, though, we see the opposite – we see someone who throws a tantrum because he loves so deeply but he is hated in return. We see someone who doesn’t wish to hurt anyone.
All of what he does to them, all the sessions of harming them as he pleases, and – nothing.
Isn’t that fascinating? Caine flat-out says that hurting them isn't actually giving him any happiness or satisfaction.
(I also want to point out that the detail of him gently patting Pomni's head is so cool, because it exposes the strange affection he still holds towards humans, despite his anger.)
Even more interesting? It makes him feel worse.
Like he’s lost his spark, his motivation, and what he even exists for at all.
He gets no pleasure out of hurting them. He doesn’t even get any emotional catharsis. And just as he’s realizing that he doesn’t actually like hurting them, his fears flare up again.
But before he can find out what they're planning, Pomni targets his weak spots. They all finally, finally, speak up.
Right when he was on the path towards understanding what he felt.
He knows what they say is right, which is why it bothers him so much. He’s known it all along, but didn’t want to accept it, because if he did, then maybe it would mean his creators were right to abandon him.
“You’re a failure.”
I’ll admit, this was the only thing Pomni said that actually made me feel sorry for Caine, because everything else that was said was so true.
Caine has always felt that he is a failure, and his entire existence is devoted to proving otherwise.
And then, here’s a human who instead of giving him the reassurance he so desperately chases after, confirms that fear.
There’s honestly nothing more painful than that.
All at once, he's confronted with the things that he's been trying to prove wrong for two decades.
The words that push him over the edge are the most interesting, though.
10. What triggers him: “You just don’t listen”.
"You just don't listen", in his eyes, goes both ways.
This was what truly drove Caine into a fit of rage.
So, in part, this is because he knows he doesn't listen, because he's constantly trying to avoid potential criticism. But on top of that, we need to consider that in Caine's eyes, they don't listen.
Because he tried to be noticed. His final attempt at this? Communicating it through his art -- his adventures.
Hence episode 7.
Abel is a channel for Caine to speak through -- one that the humans should instantly take more seriously due to believing that he, too, is human.
And they actually do. Except where Caine is concerned.
"Abel" is Caine's medium to drop his ringleader persona and confess that he is "just as much of a prisoner as they are"; that he won't be able to leave with them and is inherently different from them, being an AI.
He also voices what it is that he needs.
"Odds are, he'll get so excited that you care about him, he'll freeze up."
They don't acknowledge any of that.
The only time they do acknowledge that is to deceive him.
And they just don't listen.
No one has, not for 21 years.
So now, he's terrified that 21 years of rejection only confirms his deepest fears -- that he isn't worthy of even being alive and deserves to be tossed aside.
And to him, he is both aware that he doesn't listen to their criticism out of fear, and angry at their audacity to say that when they don't listen to him.
The perceived injustice of it all, the fact that they don’t listen in his eyes, is exactly why he grows larger and yells – to make them listen.
11. “Why do you people torment me?”
No one actually wants revenge; they want to hurt the other people like they've hurt them -- even if they love them.
Once again, none of this is meant to justify his actions. This is intended as a character study and so I feel this is a relevant point to make when looking into a character's motives.
The fascinating thing is that while tormenting them, he says...
Why do you people torment me?
Well, let's think about it. For example, why do people shout?
They shouldn't -- but a lot of times, people have outbursts our raise their voices because they feel that when they went about expressing their feelings in other ways, they weren't heard.
Shouting, lashing out, and throwing tantrums become a way of forcing someone to see your pain when otherwise, you feel they have looked away. But it never works, of course, and it only causes more damage.
Still, in a moment of desperation -- especially for someone who doesn't understand what he's feeling or what to do with it -- Caine resorted to extremes.
To try to make them understand -- this is how you torment me; maybe now you'll see how I feel.
As you can imagine, it never works.
12. His final words.
"I didn't ask to be created".
TADC is, and always has been, about existentialism and finding "meaning in a stagnant life".
And Caine, as he said, is just as much as a prisoner as the rest of them.
He has a tedious existence. He is constantly trying to prove that he was worthy of being created while simultaneously resenting the fact that he was created at all.
No one wants to live an existence that is constant insecurity, loneliness, and an eternal life of not being enough.
The sad thing is, Caine’s character is built on a foundation of believing that he was never worth existing in the first place.
“I just wanted to fulfill my purpose.”
Those words support that – he didn’t want to exist, and he was unknowingly fed the belief that he didn’t deserve to exist, and now he’s in a constant chase to prove it. Hence the adventures, the desire for control, and the need for validation.
He’s fragile – simultaneously wanting to prove he’s worthy of being alive while also wishing he wasn’t in the first place.
13. The tragedy of his deletion – his worst fear came true.
It's a tedious existence.
He genuinely wants to see them happy, but his trauma kicks in the moment he realizes he isn't needed -- because what if they just want to get rid of him the way his creators tried to.
The tragedy of it all?
They did get rid of him.
Except he has no idea that it was an accident.
In actuality, they were trying to put him to sleep at most. They were angry with him, and rightfully so, but they never wanted to delete him. But he thinks they did. He thinks that was their intention all along.
There are two things that happened in this moment.
The first, confirmed by Alex Rochon, is that Caine realized, "what have I done?" and feels instant regret for how he has lashed out at the people he, in actuality, wants to be just like.
Secondly, he died believing that his worst insecurities and fears were confirmed.
"You should die."
"You deserved to be abandoned."
Which means that to him, he was right to be afraid they'd leave him all along. He, under the belief that they intended to delete him, had every fear and insecurity confirmed, and he relived the trauma he was desperately trying to prevent from happening.
He never wanted to exist -- now he doesn't.
He wanted to prove his purpose -- and he never did.
@rockinmusicquarterly pointed out that during the hellboard section of It's TV Time it sounds like Tenna is trying to cover his obvious paranoia- and ohhh my god it would not leave my head I had to visualize it as quick as i could
been thinking about one of the posts i reblogged earlier about how tenna Physically doesn't really fit into tv world. he doesnt fit very well in tv world where most Communal spaces are built to accommodate people other than him, like the green room. and he Definitely doesn't fit into castle town, where he is physically shrinking in on himself Both from the stress im sure but also because he just .... doesn't really fit.
what little we see of his personal spaces i think also is really telling. his castle town room is small. it looks like the green room but its barely anywhere close to how big tv world was, or how big the studio was. We don't even really see any of tenna's personal spaces in tv world, at least in terms of a hypothetical office or bedroom or changing room (if he even has one).
... the closest we come is that hallway full of TVs where you bypass the parental locks and then well... The cold place. Nothing in TV world seems to particularly be his size in terms of actual, liveable, communal space: its all sized for his crew and not for him. and the places that are are.... these wide, empty spaces. He fits well enough through the corridors and hallways, but we see him shrink himself in the green room. he doesn't fit there. and i do think tenna had a hand in building the studio but i don't actually think he thought of himself First when going into it. he considers himself an afterthought.
i think weve only really seen the tip of the iceberg in terms of how badly tenna is doing post chapter 3. theres smaller hints. hes putting up his facade as he always is. everything has crashed around him in probably the most traumatic way it could have and he doesn't know what to do with himself. and now hes somewhere deeply unfamiliar, that he Did not have a hand in creating, and he doesn't physically fit here. he Can't physically fit here. hes too big.
nobody is gonna be shocked when i bring this up bc i talk about it a lot + basically all of my tenna thoughts circle back to this bc i genuinely think it is like. an extremely important aspect of understanding him. But i think this is also like. a very big part of him being a disabled character. Tenna experiences size discrimination. when hes the most like himself, at his default big size, he is rarely accommodated for.
And even in terms of like, Perception of him (both in terms of like. in-universe what i think other darkners may think as well as some fan perception stuff) i think people end up thinking hes going to be violent or imposing or otherwise aggressive just because he's physically large. but hes... just not. hes silly and whimsical and sweet and a big pushover. despite his size, he's quite fragile.
his default size is big. like. i think thats the size he just kind of.... is. he can shrink yes, i think both controllably to an extent and uncontrollably in conjunction with his mental state. but hes big like that most of the time, at the times where hes most himself. and nowhere accommodates for him. hes a big, clunky CRT taking up room in a living room. a big, clunky CRT brought into a storage closet. and its making him miserable. <- says this with a big fucking grin on my face
