Batfamily Comm Lines pt.18
Dick: Hey, Timbo. How’s Paris?
Tim: Boring. Just a bunch of W.E meetings that B wanted me to attend like he couldn’t do it himself. He’s downstairs with Lucius. What’s going on?
Dick: Jay and Damian are overseeing Gotham and I’m in Blüd.
Tim: Who had the bright idea to let those two idiots go by themselves?
Dick: *snorting* We’re stretched thin.
Tim: So? We’ve been short-staffed and managed.
Dick: *grinning audibly* Ok ok, I thought it’d be funny. Let me add them.
Damian: *grunting* Catch, Hood.
Jason: *humming* Interesting. Very interesting. Looks like they have a couple big dogs on their roster *punching sound can be heard* Stay the fuck down, don’t get up. Tell B that I’ll look into it.
Tim: Seems like a pretty busy night in Gotham.
Damian: Drake, how is your business trip? I trust that you are learning much from Father.
Dick: Think again. I know for a fact that he's bored out of his mind and rather be back with us.
Jason: What's not to like about Paris? Baguettes. French women. Cigarettes.
Tim: It's a bunch of suits talking business and me agreeing with them even though I think they're a bunch of idiots. What's going on? Any new cases?
Damian: Just the typical petty crimes, stop looking at me like that, Hood. I am not entertaining that debate, we have to finish the cases Father left for us before he returns.
Dick: *cackling* Please involve us. I WANT TO KNOW THIS DEBATE.
Tim: *pleading* Please. Please. I will bring you back fucking souvenirs. Whatever you want. Please-I am fucking losing my mind here.
Jason: You can fly but you’re very slow OR you’re invisible but you smell to high hell. The closer people get to you, the stronger the smell is.
Damian: *disgusted* Good God. That is atrocious.
Tim: How slow? What’s the mileage I’m getting here?
Jason: 15. Actually-School zone speed limit.
Damian: *pondering* It would be the environmentally conscious decision.
Tim: Who cares about the environment? Have you seen gas prices? I’m trying to be conscious about my wallet.
Dick: *interrupting* And no perfume or cologne can change this?
Jason: Nope. None at all. Wear your stench with pride.
Damian: Are we just smelly when we are invisible? Or is this some chronic condition that follows us around regardless?
Tim: Does it matter? Someone with a good nose is going to find you.
Jason: The smell of doom and despair only applies when you’re invisible.
Damian: I am taking flight.
Dick: But you’re moving at the speed of a broken down Honda Civic!
Damian: *mortified* In comparison to emitting a stench so foul that people can acknowledge your presence despite having invisibility?
Jason: Basically you’re either Martian Manhunter or Wonderwoman.
Dick: Why would you pick him as a prime example? Cause he’s not from here? That’s so fucking racist.
Jason: What? No, dickhead. HE WAS THE FIRST ONE THAT I THOUGHT OF WHEN IT CAME TO INVISIBILITY.
Damian: It is okay, Hood. We all have biases. You may admit it, you are amongst family.
Jason: Shut up. If anyone has any biases, it’s Bruce. He’s fucking prejudice.
Tim: Against who? It sounds like you’re projecting.
Jason: I’m gonna project a bullet in you. He’s metaphobic. I’m telling you.
Dick: *laughing* HE’S WHAT? That’s not an actual term.
Jason: It should be. He constantly says all the time *lowers voice* “ No metas in Gotham!” That’s him being prejudicial against a whole protected class.
Damian: That’s not- *pondering* Wait-Why does Father not allow metahumans in Gotham? He works very closely with them on the Justice League.
Tim: I dunno. He’s just territorial.
Jason: Like some weird dom. In love with the infrastructure of this city.
Dick: *sultry voice* Who does this city belong to?
Damian: Grayson-Let me patrol with you. I don’t like the energy Akhi is displaying right now.
Jason: *cackling* Come here, Damian. Let's gyrate on this rooftop together. *wheezing* He has that fucking lone wolf persona going on.
Damian: *agreeing* His fursona.
Tim: *muffling comm* No. I'm not speaking to anyone. I think you're hearing things. Alfred should check on you when we get back home.
Bruce: *in the background* I distinctively heard you say Dick's name. Make sure to tell him to properly update the patrol logs, he didn't do so last time and it is important to keep track of our every move-
Jason: YO-Tell B to bring me a souvenir. I love Paris.
Bruce: *in the background* You are speaking to them. It is quite sweet, I love that you are all getting along nicely.
Dick: Shut it, old man. You're in the middle of our debate.
Damian: No. That debate is finished, you were just talking about how Father is prejudice.
Bruce: *flustered* I-? What? I am not prejudice. Where is this coming from?
Tim: *cackling in the back* Stop, this is so mean. You're gonna confuse him.
Jason: You regularly tell people to get out of your city all the time. What's next, huh? THEY SHOULD GO BACK TO THEIR COUNTRIES? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY NEXT?
Damian: *wheezing wetly* Go back to their countries, please. I am going to pee.
Dick: This is the example you're setting for Damian?
Bruce: I would never tell anyone anything remotely close to what you're claiming!
Tim: You tell the supers to leave your city all the time.
Bruce: *stuttering* Because-I-We each have our territory! It isn't because of who they-
Jason: He's colonizing Gotham *giddy noises* Taking over the land.
Bruce: *pleading desperately* No- It's just a poor choice of words. I didn't mean it-
Damian: *serious* The colonizers never think of their consequences, just on their own selfish needs.
Tim: *slapping palms on table, laughing* FUCKING HELL. YOU GUYS SHOULD SEE HIS EXPRESSION.
Dick: Ashamed. You should be ashamed. It's okay, baby boy. Damian, I'll save you.
Damian: Do not touch me, Grayson.
Tim: Bruce is staring out the patio like he's going to jump.
Jason: It's the guilt eating him alive. The colonizer guilt.
Dick, Damian, Tim: *cackling*
