spore

vent blog - if you know who i am pls dni

[spores-laments]

hi this is a vent blog

you guys can call me spore,

i use any pronouns

i'm lesbian, ace, demiaro, and girlflux

i have depression, anxiety, adhd, and also likely autism and ocd. I'm also an emotional/mental abuse survivor (from a theater director)

i'm a former gifted kid

i'm probably developing an ed, though i am trying to stop it

these posts will often include discussion of depression, sh, eds, etc, though they will never encourage them. please get yourselves help in whatever way you can if you need it.

i might post some bad poetry on here occasionally too. we'll see I guess

dni if you know me irl please. i will also block freely.

[spores-laments]

don't call me "smart girl"

I'm not smart. i'm a stupid motherfucker who read well in elementary school, did math well in middle school, burned out early, and is trying to figure out how to live without the fear of failure that they just inconveniently fucking lost.

and "girl' is right i suppose but it just feels so wrong from some mouths

call me whatever you want. just don't call me "smart girl." the compliment is just yet another tool for you to mold me into who you want me to be. and i can't be that.

[thespermthatwontherace]

"if you lose weight you wont have boobs"

oh no what a terrible thing im so sad

[spores-laments]

you can get so close but nobody will ever care about close. they care about "did you get it or not?" and you didn't fucking get it

[spores-laments]

it's not that i don't care it's that every time someone talks about how skinny their arms are i don't eat for the next day. its that when you say you're being bad after one bowl of curry i'm evil

i'm scared for you but you will be my death

[rottingrampage]

I'm barely a person

I'm the embodiment of hate, resentment, and exhaustion

[youaremyiris]

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever enjoy being alive

[spores-laments]

you know you suck ass when the Extremely Encouraging Friend is like "yea you're pitchy"

[spores-laments]

sometimes the door slams with a jarring clank

the stage lights come up

and i see ghosts of the living

i see a figure curled up in a wine-colored chair

head buried in his hands

 i see a girl 

 face dripping with tears

 arms covered in desperate attempts to stop

 i see a person

 back arched

fists clenched

knees shattering under the weight of their screams

i see them all 

and i cannot help but break along with them

until i become another ghost

a past

to follow the future

 and hold it down

to push the air out of its lungs 

i cannot allow myself escape

[shoelace4-48]

im never going to be enough for any of them

[spores-laments]

do you think my teacher will let me turn in a few assignments a day late bc ive spent maybe eight nights this past month trying to make sure one of my friends wasn't going to die that day

and another four days trying to stop myself from dying that day

[spores-laments]

idk if this is rock bottom but i was crying in a ball on the floor so it better be pretty fucking close

[spores-laments]

i hate my mental limits

i hate that i know that there's so much i can't do because i would freeze or panic or start crying

everything is "no i could never do that it's just not possible for me" and i don't want to be resigned to that but what option do i have?

[spores-laments]

i genuinely hate that i know what skin tastes like

[spores-laments]

i love crying on the bathroom floor because my grandmother got on my fucking ass about a 64 for one interim report card

not to mention my dumbass burnt out gifted kid perfectionist view of grades in which anything below a 90 means i should take 15 advil

[spores-laments]

tw sh

i just got too close to cutting

i know it's not that bad but i feel terrible

i pressed a goddamn dull kitchen knife into my hand and it burned and i fucking

it's like i have an itch for pain that i can't ever scratch because of my low fucking pain tolerance

[spores-laments]

im not here right now

this is all fake

they'll be fine