I know this is off-brand for my usually-reality-adjacent blog but;
This applies to adults too. Far too many parents preach bodily autonomy and boundaries, then immediately grab and force their child when they find it convenient. For example;
Bill, 5, has grazed her knee in the playground. She doesn’t want to stop running around, and her mother, Lucy, is worried.
Lucy’s first instinct is to grab her, drag her indoors, pull her trousers down, hold her leg still and wipe the wound with a clean cloth soaked in hot water and TCP, then to stick on a plaster. To Bill, this is unpleasant; She doesn’t like being touched, she’s already learnt that having your trousers pulled down is shameful, and being held still whilst a disinfectant that really stings is poured into an open wound feels like a violation as well as being painful. Being out-of-control of her body whilst this happens makes it all worse.
A better approach might be as follows. First; How bad is it? If she’s still running around, it’s probably not that bad. Kids have survived having scabbed knees since time immemorial. If she’s not worried, don’t worry.
If she slows down and wants help; Offer help. Explain what would be best; “Best is if we can wash it, disinfect it, then cover it. Would you like me to do that for you? Or would you like to do it yourself?”
Give her options as she goes; Does she want to take her trousers down, or just roll up the knee - The important part is getting access to the grazed knee. Does she want to clean it herself? If so, show her how; Lucy gets a bowl of warm water and two cloths, and demonstrates on her own arm how to wring out a cloth and wipe the skin with the right kind of pressure. Bill tries it out for herself, and manages to clean off most of the gravel and blood. Does she want to use the disinfectant, or not? Explain; With it, it will sting a little bit now, but it will hurt less for the next few days, and it won’t get infected (”It won’t get worse”). Without it, it might get worse, and need more disinfecting later. Again, offer Bill a choice - Does she want to put the disinfectant on it herself, or does she want Lucy to do it, or does she want to not disinfect it at all? And then the same applies to covering it. In all cases, Bill is still in-control of the situation, she’s not being manhandled around and she keeps her dignity.
Teach kids about degrees of severity, and about why, sometimes, you might have to override their consent, and that you’ll only do it in times of absolutely desperate need (Eg, no child wants a vaccine, but they all absolutely need them. Explain why the vaccine is important, what it protects against, how it protects their friends too. Most kids will come around to the idea of getting one if they know that a second of pain will make them not just immune to an illness, but also to let them protect other people against that illness too). Explain that sometimes, things are compulsory, but that you’ll do your best to explain why, and that they’re not just on a whim - If a child needs surgery, for example, as much as they might really not want to have it done, they probably need it. If a child wants to sit and have a picnic on the railway tracks, you have to stop them and you might have to physically drag them away - And that’s only because otherwise they’d be in grave danger.
Teach them that “Because I want you to do it” is not a good answer to “Why do I have to do it?” and then make sure that you honour that you will never, ever put them in that position. “Why do I have to wear this awful scratchy dress?” - “Because it’s the only warm clothes that you have, and you’ll freeze otherwise” is a good answer (if it’s true), “Because I want you to” is not. If they want to go to a party wearing a tracksuit, or a horse costume, or their school uniform... It’s not going to hurt anyone.
Just giving children a sense that there’s consistency and truth in the statement “It’s your body, it’s your choice” is important. Even things which aren’t about risks to life and limb; If your child doesn’t want to sit on Great Aunt Wilhelmina’s lap and give her a kiss... Don’t make them do it. That just teaches that, sometimes, an adult is allowed to override their consent for reasons other than safety, and without justifying their reasoning. And that is a very dangerous lesson to teach.
