Can we talk about Wandersail and the effect it had on Kaladin?
Kaladin had been telling himself that he’s off the hook for responsibility because the Universe is against him anyway, that that’s preventing him from succeeding, and always will - therefore it doesn’t matter whether he faces what he is. He’s bound for failure anyway, because he’s cursed; it isn’t his fault if/when he fails. He’s incapable of success because of who he is, because of some mystical error that makes him a target. Whatever the reason, he can’t do it, can’t make his life go well, can’t save and protect everyone. Every loss in Bridge Four makes him feel like he has failed (because it’s how he tries to redeem himself for his brother’s death, over and over again….all or nothing. Either he saves everyone in an impossibly dangerous situation, or he’s a complete failure.).
His coping mechanism for the guilt and pain is to become disengaged, apathetic - numb. It keeps him from taking on more pain. Up to this point he’s been certain that life is full of pain, nearly exclusively, and his job is to protect himself from feeling too deeply, especially the pain of failure. Against the growing evidence that he might be asked to take on even more risk and responsibility, to feel any more loss or fail at something larger than what he’s done yet, he’s denied that anything Teft has said about the Knights Radiant might have some significance for him.
One of Kaladin’s errors is believing that doing objectively good things is the equivalent of feeding your soul. It isn’t, especially if there’s something you’re avoiding, something more important you need to be doing, like having that difficult conversation with your child/parent/friend or seeking the answer to that personal question that’s been troubling you. If there's something being neglected, and if you just think as far as, “but I shouldn’t have to do that hard thing become I’m already doing these other hard things”, then that’s like Kaladin thinking that doing all he was doing should nullify the thing he doesn’t want to have to do. It’s avoidance; it isn’t “being responsible.” He’s tricking himself.
Not that it isn’t understandable, though. He’s afraid of the pain of loss, and he’s terrified that experiencing loss means he failed. Giving up the apathy means he’s making himself vulnerable to more potential loss and failure - he’s engaging with life rather than avoiding it. And that might mean more pain.
Recognizing that keeping yourself from living is actually not the solution is difficult. But it’s a false protection - you’re keeping away all the joy and accomplishment. You’re doing all-or-nothing, and opting for the ‘nothing.’ It’s a higher cost than embracing life and facing difficulty.
The difference between me and Kaladin is that after his conversation with Wit, and after he thinks about his excuses and what they really mean, he immediately runs to Teft and asks him, “What do you know? And how do you know it?” - and I still haven’t ever sent a single query letter to a publisher.
annaxmalina
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
