Journals of a Dreamer @sweetnsourflower94 - Tumblr Blog

Summer Blues and Epiphanies

This is going to be an abnormal entry. I’m going to just jump right in and see what happens.

So at this point in my summer break, I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking.... about grad school coming up within the next year or so, about next semester, about the fact that I’m not working right now and what that means, about family, friends, and relationships... To put it frankly, I’m excited and absolutely terrified on different levels.

I’m a walking contradiction. I hate being idle for too long but also need a break. I want to do something and nothing all at once. I’m exhausted constantly for no real reason. I want to be independent but also have people take care of me. Honestly, I don’t understand how I’ve made it to what qualifies as adulthood with how indecisive and confused I am.

What’s the next step for me? I keep thinking about more than just the next step. In some ways I guess I try to avoid surprises by planning out everything. However, I only wind up disappointed doing that. I’ve tried to just be calm and let things fall as they may but that doesn’t seem to make me happy either. I’m not going to call myself depressed, because that’s not the diagnosis I was given by a professional. It is difficult for me to connect fully to people and places around me though. It sometimes feels like I’m not present entirely; it’s frustrating to say the least.

I’ve been trying to find ways to make myself feel useful since I have way more free time than I wanted or expected. I’ve filled out job applications (to no avail), house- and pet-sat for a friend, gone to the gym, helped cook and clean a bit, fixed my online presence, gone to an open house at a potential school, met with a dean at another school, gone to a slumber party, spent time with my boyfriend.... nothing seems to take the edge off of the way I feel. Don’t get me wrong, these activities are great distractions while I’m in the moment, but once it’s over, I’m left with my thoughts again.

I feel guilty saying this, but I feel a bit upset that I feel this way. My therapist tells me to allow myself to feel my emotions at appropriate times, but it’s gotten to the point where people who don’t deserve the brunt of my feelings are like target practice for my frustrations. I hate that I’m doing that to people, especially those who are only trying to help me.

Logically, I know I can’t control everything. That’s not the way things work. However, my instinct is to try to fix things, and sometimes people have to remind me to stop. Not everything needs to be fixed. Emotionally though... well, you get it.

I’ve realized a lot of positive things in the midst of my frustrations though. I realized that certain boundaries between certain people and me need to be redrawn. Just because someone tells me something personal that makes me worry about them does not mean I am the one responsible for fixing the problem. I’m not alone in having psychological problems/ issues dealing with stress and anxiety. I’ve come a long way from where I was a year, 5 years, 8 years ago, and if I’ve made it this far, I can make it further. I need to continue to learn to deal with change because it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. People aren’t static creatures. You can love someone without liking their actions. Relationships worth having require a lot of hard work, patience, honesty, and compassionate love.

It’s okay to be a little weird and express yourself. You’re not required to like everything your best friend(s) like(s) just because they like it. Growing up doesn’t have to mean giving up things that seem “childish” to others; if it makes you happy and isn’t hurting anyone/anything, keep doing it. Some opinions are better off left unsaid. It’s okay to reduce/remove toxic influences in your life. There’s no such thing as saying “I love you” too much if it’s the truth. Taking some time for yourself isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary part of life. Taking care of your body is just as important as caring for your mind and spirit; they’re all interconnected.

Thank you for taking the time to read this rant.This post was more for myself than anyone else, but feel free to let me know what you think.

Peace, Love, and Joy,

CJ, 6/23/15 about 1:30AM

user11223344

sweetnsourflower94

Disney Movies Late Night Analysis

Hi there,

**Disclaimer: I feel the need to add this in. This post is through my own perspective. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me nor do I agree with everything large corporations do. That being said, please read the entire entry before passing your judgements. Have a nice day :) ***

I’ve been thinking about how much people talk about the negative effects of Disney movies, and although some of these points may be valid, I’d like to take a look at the messages that I’ve learned from them, particularly the positive ones. I could do an entire entry on one movie, and perhaps at some point I’ll do that, but for now, I’d like to look at the overarching themes. This is going to be one of my longer posts, so hang in there. I admit that I may not have watched all of these, but most of them I have seen. Also, this is NOT a complete list of every Disney movie ever made.

1) The Power of Positive Thinking

Peter Pan and Return to Neverland

Dumbo

Cinderella 1-3; live action

The Lion King movies

Toy Story movies

Mulan 1-2

A Bug’s Life

The Great Mouse Detective

The Little Mermaid

Beauty and the Beast

Pocahontas

Hercules

Inspector Gadget

Monsters Inc. / Monsters University

The Princess Diaries movies

The Rookie

Air Bud movies

Treasure Planet

Piglet’s Big Movie

The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Around the World in 80 Days

The Incredibles

National Treasure movies

Herbie: Fully Loaded

Sky High

Valiant

The Chronicles of Narnia movies

Cars movies

Bridge to Terabithia

Meet the Robinsons

Ratatouille

High School Musical movies

Bolt

Bedtime Stories

Up!

G-Force

The Princess and the Frog

Alice in Wonderland

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Secretariat

Tangled

Brave

Oz: The Great and Powerful

Frozen

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Big Hero 6

Tomorrowland

2) The Importance of Friendship/Family

Toy Story 1-3

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Bambi

Peter Pan and Return to Neverland

Cinderella 1-3; live action

Lady and the Tramp 1-2

The Aristocats.

One Hundred and One Dalmatians

The Parent Trap

Mary Poppins

The Jungle Book 1-2

Tarzan 1-2.

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

The Fox and the Hound 1-2

The Great Mouse Detective

Oliver & Company

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids / Honey, I Blew Up the Kid

The Little Mermaid movies

The Rescuers / The Rescuers Down Under

The Lion King, The Lion King 2, The Lion King 1 1/2

102 Dalmations

Lilo and Stitch series/movies

Inspector Gadget

The Tigger Movie

The Emperor’s New Groove

Monsters, Inc. / Monsters University

The Princess Diaries movies

Snow Dogs

Air Bud movie series

Piglet’s Big Movie

The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Freaky Friday

Brother Bear 1-2

The Incredibles

National Treasure movies

Pooh’s Heffalump Movie

The Pacifier

The Chronicles of Narnia movies

The Shaggy Dog

Cars movies

The Santa Clause movies

Bridge to Terabithia

Meet the Robinsons

The Game Plan

Enchanted

College Road Trip

High School Musical movies

Bolt

Bedtime Stories

Hannah Montana: The Movie

Up!

A Christmas Carol

Recess: School’s Out

The Princess and the Frog

Tangled

Mars Needs Moms

Prom

Winnie the Pooh

Brave

Wreck-It Ralph

Oz: The Great and Powerful

Frozen

Maleficent

Khoobsurat

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Big Hero 6

3) Generosity

Robin Hood

The Tigger Movie

Cars movies

The Santa Clause movies

A Christmas Carol

4) Honesty

Pinocchio

Aladdin

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Ice Princess

The Pacifier

Chicken Little

Bolt

Hannah Montana: The Movie

Tangled

5) Accepting Differences

Pocahontas movies

Finding Nemo

Aladdin

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Mulan

George of the Jungle

Tarzan 1-2

A Bug’s Life

Lilo and Stitch series/movies

Inspector Gadget

The Tigger Movie

The Jungle Book 1-2

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Monsters, Inc. / Monsters University

Freaky Friday

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Pooh’s Heffalump Movie

Ice Princess

The Pacifier

Chicken Little

Cars 1-2

Enchanted

High School Musical movies

Bolt

Up!

The Princess and the Frog

Prom

Winnie the Pooh

Brave

Wreck-It Ralph

Frozen

Maleficent

Khoobsurat

6) Taking Care of the Environment

WALL-E

Tarzan 1-2

Finding Nemo

Pocahontas movies

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

The Jungle Book 1-2

Brother Bear movies

Sacred Planet

Earth

Up!

Oceans

Wings of Life

African Cats

Chimpanzee

Bears

Monkey Kingdom

Am I saying that all these movies only promote positive messages? No. Would I like to see more diversity of culture, location, and character/plot structure? Maybe even the popularization of more documentaries on many topics? Absolutely. However, there is clear intent to showcase some pretty positive messages in these films. Even if there’s something you don’t agree with in their work, Disney has created a discussion within the audience. Don’t get me wrong, I love the music and relate to the characters pretty easily, even though I’m an adult now. Some scenes still have a strong emotional impact on me. I even still have a huge collection of Disney tapes. What I’m saying is that although Disney may not entirely be on the right path, they are creating discussion and have a solid start.

Disney owns ABC Family now, so on that channel they are able to discuss more social issues than they used to be able to. Even on their main channels, Disney has made (in the past and currently) some bold statements about sexuality, body issues, bullying, family structures, and more.

On that note, I’m a proud Disney princess who should get her beauty rest.

Peace, Love, and Joy,

6/1/15, about 4 am

Family adventures May 2015

It's been interesting visiting my family this week, and I realized that it's more important to spend time with them than to sit on technology all the time. Cook with them. Go out for frozen yogurt. Have a conversation. Drive around town. Go to parties and actually enjoy them. Although my grandparents are busy doing something else at the moment, I have spent 99% of our time together interacting with them. We've made plans for the week. I'm even getting together with all of my cousins on Friday just to catch up and do a little celebrating of my birthday.

After getting out of school, I got my report card (all A's and B's)! I'm currently waiting to hear if I got into one of my classes that got waitlisted (boooo), and I'm planning for my internship in the fall. Although my work-study laid me off for the summer, I'm still looking to apply for something for the summer and a new, lighter work-study in the fall. I already got my foot in the door with a few clubs on campus and have started looking at who might be interested in joining a new club I might be starting. YAY PRODUCTIVITY!

Last week, I went out with my girl and my boyfriend and spent some quality time with my mom. I even learned to bake homemade granola. :)

I feel a little sad that I had to leave my kitty at home, but there's no space for her up where I am. Can't wait for kitty cuddles when I'm finally home for a while.

I think that's it for now. Remember to enjoy your family and friends in person sometimes. Preferably more than once a year. And don't forget that everything can get better; it all depends on the effort you put into something as to the result you get out of the experience.

Peace, Love, and Joy,

5/20/15, about 8:30pm

postitforward

Here's how you Post It Forward

The idea is simple: If you have a message that might help someone through a tough time, then someone out there needs to hear it. Even if you just want to promote awareness, this is your place to do so.

Don’t worry, it’s easy. You can make a video. You can write a text post. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

Hey, you can even GIF about it.

We’ve built a special Post It Forward GIF selfie maker so you can GIF about whatever issue you’re posting it forward for.

Make a Post It Forward sign. You can draw it yourself, or you can print one in any of these classic colors:

Fill in the blank with who or what you’re posting for—a cause, your family, your friends, your fandom—even for yourself if that’s who needs it.

Take a selfie with your sign. Caption it with a personal story, a dash of advice, or just a few kind words of support. Or don’t. It’s enough just to let someone know you’re on their side. Tag your post with #PostItForward. Encourage your audience to do the same with something they care about. That’s what posting it forward is all about.

The more people we get talking, the more support we’ll all be able to find in each other. #PostItForward is where a conversation turns into a community.

We’re all in this together. The story of your life can change someone else’s. Post It Forward.

Some things I’ve picked up this semester

I found out some pretty cool stuff this year/semester and thought I would share it with all of you. This may not be the kind of list you’re expecting, but read on anyways.

I learned that I’m totally addicted to Pinterest. I’ve made so many boards on there, it’s becoming a problem (the kind I’m kinda okay with having). It’s helped me plan out my future goals and find some pretty neat recipes. I can’t wait to try some new dishes this summer. YUM!

I overheard some people in the writing center talking about this app called myHomework. It’s basically an online agenda for all your assignments. I haven’t used it yet, since I heard about it a few weeks ago, but I did download it. It might be an easier way to keep track of my assignments for next semester. I would feel cluttered if I had to put them and my classes into the same calendar app, so this is just the kind of thing I’ve been looking for.

Group projects aren’t all bad. Okay, MOST of them ARE. However, the one I had this semester for my Persuasion class, although very stressful, was probably one of the most useful projects I’ve had so far. My group and I had to set up a campaign, advertise, hold an event, make a video and print materials, maintain online presence, make sure we were following guidelines, and analyze each step we took. I learned a lot about campaigning as well as a lot about the people in my group. We got along pretty well, and we figured out early on how to communicate with each other. For group projects, I highly recommend exchanging all contact information; this includes: Facebook, email, phone number, and other social media accounts where they can reach you. There’s also an app called GroupMe. It’s basically texting your entire group, but even if you switch phones, you won’t lose the information because it’s saved in your account. It comes in handy when you need to share images and videos like we did. I’ve used it for 2 projects now and it was vital to constant communication. We also used Google Drive since we can all work on a project/paper/slideshow at once no matter where we are, as long as everyone is given access to it.

Car maintenance is expensive, particularly if you have an old car like me. A few tips I have learned over 3 years of car ownership might help you. In the cold months, always have at least a half a tank of gas. Keep your windshield wiper fluid full so you can clean off any mid-driving messes as soon as possible. Check your tires regularly. Get regular services done, like oil changes, tire rotations, and tune-ups. Listen to your car every once in a while; turn off all extra noise and just listen so you get to know what your car is supposed to sound like so you know when something is wrong. Two more tips regarding gas: First, always pay with cash when you can. It’s cheaper than paying with credit/debit cards in most cases. Secondly, there are plenty of apps out there to help you find the cheapest gas station in the area, updated by users like you. My family uses GasBuddy.

Just because a bra is expensive doesn’t mean it will last longer or is better quality than a cheaper one (personal experience). The most important thing when buying any clothing should be comfort and proper fit. Quality is important, sure, but price isn’t always an indicator of that.

I found some YouTubers I actually like and watch regularly. Some of them are musicians, some are comedians, and others are vloggers. Some of my favorites: Christina Grimmie, Jenna Marbles/Mourey, Zoella, Madilyn Bailey, Beckie0, Charlie McDonnell (charlieissocoollike), and Kurt Hugo Schneider and friends. I also *may have* binge-watched The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and its spin-offs....

I learned how important it is to become media literate. I’m currently taking a course on it, and it’s opened my eyes to so much I never would have seen. Take some time to learn about this stuff if you get the chance.

That study music on YouTube actually does help me concentrate. However, I’m not always in a position where I can use it all the time.

Drinking through a straw makes me drink more water, which is a good thing since I’m always dehydrated. I also drink a lot more on days I exercise, both during and post-workout. By post-workout, I mean the rest of the day.

Although New Year’s Resolutions may not work the way people intend them to, they do remind you what you want to do. I’ve checked my list every so often, and without thinking, I’ve done a lot of them. Some of the things I’ve done are only pieces of these goals, but it’s more than I used to do so that’s a start. Keeping them in a place where you’ll see them all the time helps. My goals recently, however, have shifted to mental health. I’ve been trying to find peace in my mind and reducing the stresses in my life, little by little. Some days that means working out and being productive. Other days, that means sleeping a little extra. Knowing what works for ME is most important to accomplishing the things I need/want to do.

Reading authors from around the world is enlightening. Although most of the books I’ve read recently have been for a class discussion, that doesn’t mean you couldn’t get the same benefits outside of that setting. I recommend reading some stories from “Third World” areas. They are highly emotional, but they also give you a different perspective on the way the world was at that point in time. Oscar Wilde, Claire Kilroy, and Will Self are some authors I’ve read this semester.

I still have to watch the rest of Velvet Goldmine, but so far I’m fascinated by it. I’ve learned that I should also look at more indie films when I get time. I really liked Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Those little plazas/strip malls are a great place to look around. I found this beautiful pink dress for a really great price. There’s also this great diner in one of the ones where I live that my bestie and I go to every chance we get. We can order lunch for the 2 of us for under $10. I’m considering checking out the local businesses downtown at some point this summer. Maybe I’ll make a day of it with my boyfriend’s sister.

This isn’t a new thing for me, but I thought I’d put this one in anyway. Zumba is more than an exercise class. It’s a community. I’ve gone to more fundraisers because of Zumba in the past few years than I have for any other reason. We’ve raised money and supplies for the National Kidney Foundation, American Cancer Society, Sandy Hook First Responders, rebuilding businesses that burned down, and food drives. By going to class every week, I’ve become familiar with many people at the gym, and people feel more comfortable approaching me. Zumba built up a lot of the confidence I have today by giving me an outlet for my creativity, energy, and emotions while getting me to move.

Planning a party doesn’t have to mean a lot of people or spending a lot of money. As long as it means something to the person of honor, the party will be a success.

I think that’s a good enough list for now, but I hope you enjoyed it. It was more of a combination of tips and contemplative thoughts. Until next time.

Peace, Love, and Joy,

4/24/15

about 8pm

End of my junior year

It’s been a while, I know. I’ve been a bit lazy and a bit busy, but hopefully, I’ll gain some motivation back. I’m going to need it to get through the last few weeks of the semester. Let me catch you up.

I made it through the fall semester. Grade-wise, I did good. Car-wise, not so much. My blue little car had the radiator blow, so I had to buy a new car. Well, not new, since this is technically the oldest model I’ve had, but new to me. She ran pretty well too with only a few minor things that could be better, until the heater core blew and started leaking INSIDE the car. It’s temporarily fixed to get me to vacation, but I’ll need to send it back to the shop and spend another few hundred dollars on car parts. I swear I spend more on my mechanic than I do on food... at least it feels that way.

I started applying for internships for next semester. I’ve gotten 1 interview so far, and although it went well, they liked someone else more. I also got an offer for another interview but have yet to hear back about scheduling it. It’s getting disheartening, so much so that I redid my fall class schedule today to fit 5 classes so that I don’t have to wait around and get disappointed if I don’t get one and have no classes left that I want to take.

I got moved to a new shop in the art gallery on campus, which has better vibes than the other shops I’ve worked at. Maybe it’s because it’s a fresh environment, maybe because there’s less coworkers to deal with. Either way, I love it. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely that I’ll get placed there over the summer.

I got a new therapist after my old one opened her own practice and left. The new one is nice enough, but she does things differently than the old one did. It’s a bit confusing at times, but I know she’s only trying to help. I’m hoping that it will. So far, I’ve had less “episodes” (for lack of a better word) with depersonalization, so YAY!

My boyfriend’s family celebrated Christmas and New Year’s with me. His mom and eldest sister were here for a while, so we all got to take pictures, cook, and take trips together. I love spending time with them. They give me positive energy and treat me well. They even bought me gifts for Christmas and a shirt before my interview. They’re super sweet :)

I do have plans to go to... *drumroll* New York City!! It will be my first trip there so I’ll probably be an obnoxious tourist, but who cares! I’ll get to tour NBC studios and maybe take a boat tour around Manhattan. I’m also going to be 21 this year, which means I can explore more places.

I’m going to be an auntie again this summer. My sister and 2 of my brothers’ girlfriends are pregnant (3 new babies total). I already have 5 nephews, so this will make me an auntie of 8. Damn, I’m getting old. The first nephew was born when I was 14!

I almost forgot to mention that I met Claire Kilroy this semester!! :D So far, I’ve met Pegi Deitz Shea, Ron Roy, Leigh Grossman, Tom Shea... It seems like a lot of my teachers are published authors. Still fangirled when I got Ms. Kilroy’s autograph <3

I know this is starting to ramble a bit (or maybe a lot....) but I felt like writing. I really wanted to put something out there. Sorry if it’s a bit fragmented.

Maybe I’ll organize my thoughts in my next post.

4/24/15

around 6pm

T- 3days until things get real again....

It's that time again, Tumblrs. That's right. It's nearing the end of vacation, and it's time to catch you up on a few things that happened as well as tell you how I'm preparing for battle (school and work).

So guess who quit her job of just over a year right after they FINALLY gave her a raise? Yupp, but it was time. I need to focus on work-study and my 5 classes this semester. I did what any smart college student would do and kept my bridges intact in case I wind up there again next summer; I gave a MONTH'S notice, stayed on everyone's good side, and let them know the exact day when I would be leaving. Surprisingly, I felt a little sad to leave, but I think some of that had to do with being nervous to start my work-study with all new people and a new way of doing things. I'll adjust, but I've never liked change.

I also visited my mom's side of the family for a few days and caught up with my bestie up there. It was too short, but at least I got to see some of them. I've been emailing a friend I haven't seen in years, hoping she will keep in contact. She's a year younger than me and is going into her sophomore year of college. I'm proud of her, and I miss her dearly. Hopefully, we can make time to see each other at some point.

I started looking into renting my books in June from Chegg (who I've mentioned before, but I'll detail it again. Put simply, you rent from them, they send you books, you send the books back at the end of the semester; if you buy from them, you get your money back). I know it sounds pretty early, but trust me, you don't want to be the loser who waited until the last minute to order and the prices skyrocketed. Some teachers don't check their email during the summer, so be sure to keep on them about it if they haven't responded to you after 2 weeks (but not to the point where it's creepy or rude). I wound up getting 4/5ths of my books before I left for vacation, and the rest arrived while I was gone. I'm that girl, the one with 15 books for the semester..... ouch. BUT, I'm not gonna be a slouch this semester. Oh no! I'm going to rock it.

Speaking of not being a slouch, here are just a few of the supplies you might want to look into getting if school/college hasn't started for you yet:

your textbooks

notebooks (1 for each of your classes is recommended, but it's whatever works for you)

folders/binders. Keep those papers organized and easy to find.

pens, pencils, erasers, sharpener, white-out, highlighters

mini-stapler with extra staples (this is something I saw a friend keep in her backpack. It came in handy more than once.)

a backpack that will hold all/ 98% of your materials for the day.

a combination lock and gym bag (for those days you need a work-out. Talk about not being lazy!!)

Warm clothes -sweaters, boots, a winter coat, scarves, gloves...

gym clothes -check with your school's gym to see what's appropriate if you plan on using their facilities.

a savings (and/or checking) account. There are plenty of banks that have deals for students. You can even look into a credit union that does banking. Once you're in the door, it's easier to apply for loans. A checking/savings account is even more important if you have a job/work-study.

scholarship applications.

a work-study position, if it's part of your financial aid. Keep an eye on that deadline.

a calendar app for your phone. Come on, when isn't that thing in your hands? It's easy to put your assignments, class schedule, and more (along with reminders to do these things) into the right calendar app. I use Google Calendar since it comes with my Android phone.

an online document saving system. I've used Dropbox as well as Google Drive. Dropbox links with your phone, but it also has less space, depending on how much you plan on keeping in it. However, this is your call.

a thumbdrive, for those times you can't connect to the internet or when you have a presentation.

an agenda. My school hands them out free in the co-op every semester, but you may want something a little different. PRO-TIP: write in pencil. You never know when your teacher is going to change a due date.

headphones, for those teachers who want you to watch movies or when you need music to study/exercise to. Keep a pair in your bag.

For my ladies, feminine products are a MUST.

A lanyard for your keys (whether it's your dorm key or your car key). When you're out at night, it's easiest to wear them around your neck so you have them ready. At least, it is for me.

A good look at your campus. If you need to get from one building to the next on a huge campus in a short amount of time, you might want to make a game plan. Take your class route a day or so ahead of time to see how long it takes. This also applies to driving the route to school if you commute.

Remember guys, I'm a commuter, so most of my list and tips is what is beneficial to me as a commuter. I'm sure you can come up with your own if you live on campus. Did I miss anything? Have something you'd like to say? Message me.

Managing stress is extremely important, especially this time around. 5 days of classes a week (total of 5 classes), Zumba and possibly Piloxing classes, work-study job(s), a small job offer on the side (which I won't go into), a relationship, family, a social life, homework, therapy.... I get tired just thinking about it. But the best thing I can think of is to know what you're up against, make a strategy, put on your "war paint," and get in there.

Best of luck to you all.

8/21/14, about 5PM

#college #school #summer #family #stress #preparedness #sweetnsourflower94 #cj #friends #list #chegg #books #journals of a dreamer #vacation

Update

I know I haven't been posting much lately. I guess I wasn't sure what to say.

I made it through the semester with A's and B's. I started working more hours at my fast food job and finally got my raise ($9/hr, woohoo! :/). I started seeing a therapist for some of my issues so that's been hard. If anything, I've been more openly moody and angry with people than I used to be... I don't know if that's progress or not.

I had my first jury duty experience, and yes, I got to sit in for a trial. VERY boring at the beginning, a lot of repetitive questions on both sides. However, my fellow jurors were a joy and we got free treats from the judge most of the time. I feel confident in our final decision. It lasted about 3 weeks, and this was a civil case.

I've been feeling pretty homesick lately, knowing that where I want to be I can't be because I've become an adult and have responsibilities. However, I'm starting to get my ducks in a row for school and my work-study program. I've even started planning to exercise while on campus this year since I'll be up there 5 days a week for nearly the entire day. I'm not planning on giving up Zumba twice a week at my regular gym, since that's the fun part of my workout and basically the only time I get to spend alone with my mom outside of the house.

My nephew Jaeden, whom I hadn't seen since he was a baby, finally came to visit after 5 years. It was awkward, but at least I got to see him. I'm an auntie of 5 beautiful boys, and I love being auntie, even if I don't get to see as much of them anymore.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I thought I should write since it's been so long. Hope you all are well.

Peace, Love, and Joy,

CJ <3 7/15/14 2:40 PM

#auntie #family #homesick #school #longtimenosee #long time no write #nephews #exercise #adult #young adult problems #therapy #healthy #summer #jury duty #zumba #sweetnsourflower94 #journals of a dreamer #cj

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puppygifs

asianconfusion

THIS IS SO CUTE OH MY GOSH IT’S SO HAPPY AND THERE ARE SO MANY BALLS TO CHOOSE FROM AND THEN IN THE END IT’S JUST SO OVERWHELMED WITH HAPPINESS IT HAS TO LEAVE

fuck-kirk

i dont have to say it we’re all thinking the same thing

beauty-in-life

Pardon me while I shed a few tears before bed. This makes my heart so happy.

Hey Everybody

Hey Tumblrs,

It's been a while. I've been (and still am) rather busy lately, but know that I am thinking of you. How have you been? I promise I'll give you an update soon, but for now, tell me about you!

Peace, Love, and Joy,

CJ 3/10/14 about 1PM

#sweetnsourflower94 #hey #longtimenosee #long time no write #how are you #missing you #cj #journals of a dreamer #busy #school #college

catscoffeemedschool

idkpossibly-deactivated20121031

coral

I FOLLOW BACK 1OO%

etherealeggplant

So, it’s really three things. The first thing is about opportunity. The second thing is about being sexy, and the third thing is about living life. So first, opportunity. I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work. When I was 13 I had my first job with my dad carrying shingles up to the roof, and then I got a job washing dishes at a restaurant, and then I got a job in a grocery store deli, and then I got a job at a factory sweeping Cheerio dust off the ground, and I’ve never had a job in my life that I was better than. I was always just lucky to have a job, and every job I had was a stepping stone to my next job, and I never quit my job until I had my next job. And so opportunities look a lot like work. Number two: being sexy. The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful, and being generous. Everything else is crap. I promise you. It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less, so don’t buy it. Be smart, be thoughtful, and be generous. The third thing is something I just relearned when I was making this movie about Steve Jobs. And Steve Jobs said, “When you grow up, you tend to get told that the world is the way that it is, and that your life is to live your life inside the world and try not to get in too much trouble, and maybe get an education, and get a job, and make some money, and have a family. But life can be a lot broader than that when you realize that one simple thing and that is that everything around us that we call life was made up by people that are no smarter than you. And you can build your own things. You can build your own life that other people can live in.” So build a life - don’t live one, build one - Find your opportunities, and always be sexy.

Ashton Kutcher. Acceptance speech for Ultimate Choice Award at the Teen Choice Awards 2013 (via beauty-in-life)

Inspiration strikes! (8/12/13)

Hey Tumblrs,

I know it's been almost the entire summer since I've written, but I haven't felt very inspired until now. I've been dealing with trying to become an adult, and yes, I'll admit I've complained about it. But that's not the point of this post. Not at all.

You see, yesterday, I got to experience so much that made me grateful for the life I have. Let me start from the beginning. At the beginning of the day, I told my mom I'd like to go visit my grandparents and her side of the family before summer ends. I realize now that some people don't have grandparents or a place to get away from everything, so I am so lucky to have my family and friends up there to love and support me, even if I don't get to see them much.

Then I went to church with my non-Christian boyfriend. That alone made me realize that I am lucky to have found someone who doesn't care that my religion is different from his and is still willing to experience it with me. The homily was presented by a missionary priest visiting from Manila in the Philippines. He told us all about the children who are sold into prostitution at very young ages in order to feed the rest of their family and those who climb mountains for food. There are some people who come to the shelter where this missionary works just for a night or two and go straight back to the streets because the money is so good out there compared to the workforce where people only make about $2/day. The police are often involved in this horrible tragedy. I realized how fortunate I am to have children in my life who get to be raised by loving people with enough money in their pockets to provide for them and to have had the same situation bestowed on me. I understand that I make much more than those hard-working people do. I was so moved by this story that I had my boyfriend run and get my purse from the car while I talked with my wonderful deaf friends after Mass. I didn't get to the priest in time to make a donation, but the fact that I felt this was a worthy cause was enough for me.

I realize that my friend had never had a girlfriend or a date, and I am blessed with that experience. I know that he will find it one day, but for now, he has his family and friends and a steady job. He made it through college and has a degree that allows him to be a mechanic. He has his driver's license. He was in an accident last year (he wasn't driving), and luckily only lost one finger and has some scarring. I'm fortunate to still have him, and I get to experience his aura and his way of life every time I talk to him.

I went to my boyfriend's apartment after that, and I met his two cousins visiting from Boston. It was nice to meet them, although I didn't really speak to them much. It's nice to know that he wants me to be around his family and get acquainted with them. His mother and his eldest sister are still visiting from India, so I got to spend some time with them. I got to cook lunch with him, being lucky enough to have plenty of food and the ability to make it. He and I went shopping for a bit, and we wound up going into the pet shop. I got to see all the kittens that need homes, and I realized that maybe a year ago (if not more) I had gotten my two cats from there and been able to provide them with a home. We went swimming and played catch in the water until the pool closed. Then we went upstairs and his sister wanted to talk to me while everyone else was out except him.

She told me that her parents are forcing her into marrying her latest suitor because they want her to get married before her younger sister. She has never been in love with anyone, and she only met the man once in person. She has some concerns about it, but they aren't listening to her. She and I discussed everything we could about it, and I wound up seeing how lucky I am that I have someone to love and that I don't have to worry about the same cultural things as she does. Let me just say this to avoid confusion. Their parents are not against marriage for love, but the eldest sister decided to follow tradition, thereby making it obligatory to go through this process to find a husband. I got to see an entirely different world and support her when she needed me, which was nice because I haven't been needed that way in a long time. I'll be honest: It was nice to be needed.

I wound up convincing her to start talking to this guy as well as the other men in line to see which one she likes best and could see herself marrying. She looked so happy talking to them online as we watched a movie together. I liked knowing that she wasn't stressed anymore for a little while, and he liked seeing me be a part of the family. She just needed someone to understand her and listen, and I'm lucky to have so many of those people in my life. From there, we walked her over to someone else's apartment and came back. His mom was painting yet another masterpiece (probably her 10th this summer). I got to talk to her, and she loved that because I don't know enough Hindi to converse with her so I have to speak in English. She's been dying to learn to speak more fluently. I sat there and just watched her paint for a while, almost entranced by her confidence and grace as she moved her brushes across the canvass. I was lucky enough to see an artist at work for the first time in a long time.

At the end of the night, my boyfriend drove me home. It was nice to have a house to come home to, a mom inside waiting to see me, a puppy waiting to greet me, a cat waiting for her sleeping partner.

I'll tell you one thing, I am more than lucky to have all the possessions, people, experiences, and opportunities in my life; I am blessed. I am grateful for everything I recognized here and more. I will probably still complain when things don't go my way, but I think I appreciate what I do have more. With this in mind, I decided that I want to make a "bucket list": a list of things I want to accomplish in life. I won't write it here, but I do know that doing a mission trip is on that list now. I'm not sure how to close after that spiel, but I think that's all I can really say. Until next time, friends.

Peace, Love, and Joy, CJ, 8/12/13 9:14 AM

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