Helium Cowgirl
Pairing: Taylor Swift/Fem!Reader
Summary: She's not supposed to come around anymore but that doesn't stop her from coming in the middle of the night, surrounded by candles, a cracking vinyl, and heavy rain Content: lovers to exes, heavy on the angst!, D/s elements, strap-on sex (they just get right into it), unhappy ending.. minors dni.
It feels as if it has been raining for months when really it has just been two days. The downpour was relentless, nearly flooding the streets and keeping people inside. Each raindrop that crashed against the window kept Y/n up later than she had wanted to be. She couldn't help but look outside her window, watching as a few cars passed through her street every 30 minutes. What was so important that people decided to drive out in this weather?
The droplets on her window obscure the street and house lights. Everything was a blur similar to how she felt whenever this kind of weather rolled around. She was stuck inside and stuck in her thoughts. This house was just so big and she was in it alone. With the threat of a severe lightning storm for the night, she decided that it was best to light some candles just in case the power went out. But she began to rely on them for her main source of light. The only thing she had going on right now was her record player softly playing a sweet melody.
'Anytime you're scared don't hesitate to call me. I don't care if the world is coming to an end I'll always find my way to you.'
Every drop that hit her window so harshly triggered a different memory that she had about times like this when she wasn't alone.
Y/n wasn't fond of the frequent, harsh thunderstorms of spring, but Taylor loves them. Ironically she said it was the perfect weather for thinking but right now that's the last thing Y/n wants to do. Her mind tends to wander to Taylor her no matter how hard she tries to distract herself. She's normally never scared, but each roll of the thunder shook her more than the last. She couldn't help but feel like she was being tormented, and reminded that this was all her fault. She was the one who fucked things up and because of that she may never see Taylor again.
It's not like Taylor would never try though. Against her better judgment, she was going to get what she wanted. She was an idiot to be out in this weather, but it pales in comparison to the despair felt being alone. The last two months have been hell. So much so that she drove an hour just to end up on Y/n's doorstep. Her pride was completely gone and she needed to be let in.
Y/n was startled to hear someone banging on her front door. It was akin to the sound of thunder outside. She wasn't sure expecting anybody, and she certainly wasn't in trouble, so she was hesitant. The person on the other side banged again but this time she heard them yell "it's me!"
“Taylor?!” Of all the people who could end up on the other side of her door in torrential rain, it seems both surprising and fitting that it’s her former lover. Y/n is speechless and her head begins to hurt at the mere sight of her. The rain is beating down on her hard but Taylor seems unphased by it. Being the person she is, Y/n wasn’t going to just let Taylor stand out in this torrential rain. She could get sick or something and she’d feel awful about it. Besides, she came all this way for a reason. She stepped to the side and that was all the permission Taylor needed to come in.
Everything is the same as it was the last time she was here a few months ago. Taylor wonders if it’s still the same because Y/n can’t be bothered to get rid of her things or if she knew she was going to come crawling back. Y/n watches her surveying the space and feels slightly embarrassed. Everything is a mess, like she hasn’t been taking care of herself or her things and that’s something she doesn’t want Taylor to see.
She turns around and they finally get to look at each other. She’s dreamed about Taylor so much in her absence but it’s not the same as the real thing. She looks worn out, and seeing her like that makes Y/n feel awful. It still feels like her duty to be the one to take care of her.
“W-why are you here?”
“I really don’t know.”
It was a poor excuse, but partially the truth. Taylor doesn’t know what possessed her of all nights to come. Maybe just to see her face? Or be around her? They’re not doing anything, just staring at each other like idiots, but she doesn’t want to be anywhere else.
Y/n’s eyes look to the floor and Taylor follows the trail to notice that she’s leaving a puddle on her floor.
“Sorry,” she mutters.
“It’s alright.”
Y/n begins to help her dry off. Unsurprisingly she still has a few of Taylor’s clothes tucked away in her closet so she’ll have something warm to be in for the night. The implication that Taylor won’t be leaving tonight is unspoken despite that not being the healthiest idea for either of them.
“You can use the shower if you want. I’ll put whatever you want me to clean in the washer.”
She spoke to her in such a clinical manner. Taylor was trying not to come off as upset, but this felt so foreign to her. Nonetheless, she accepted Y/n’s offer and nods her head in the direction of the shower.
“I’ll leave them outside the door.”
She nods and leaves Taylor alone to take care of herself.
Seeing her face is admitingly unnerving, but what freaks her out even more is how natural it felt to slip back into the role of being her lover and taking care of her. Y/n was always the nurturer in the relationship. Taylor was a woman with a thousand things on her plate. She was truly larger than life when she was in the public eye, and only Y/n was allowed to peak inside and see her for who she is. Who Taylor is inside is a lost puppy who will come crawling back to her owner when the world got too mean. Someone so meek and unassuming had so much power over her Y/n didn’t like to reckon with that reality, but Taylor showing up in a downpour makes it too loud to ignore.
When Y/n goes to collect Taylor’s clothes she can hear the water from the shower beating down onto the shower floor. Steam escapes from the bottom of the door and she can feel the heat. Taylor always liked her showers hot which is why Y/n never joined her for one whenever she asked. She would playfully denied the requests, not wanting to feel the scalding water beat her skin. Never would she join her in all their years together, but some divine force compels her to open the door and go be with her.
Taylor doesn’t hear the door slowly crack open over the shower, nor the soft foot steps that follow. Y/n pauses just to watch the outline of her body move as the water washes the day off of her. ‘You’re intruding. She’s not going to want you’ some voice tries to talk some sense into her. Taylor is well within her right to reject her, but Y/n holds onto the fact that she’s always been a little desperate for her attention. She needs Y/n. She needs Taylor.
Y/n’s clothes fall to the ground and she slowly approaches the shower. She grabs the curtain and opens it, steam rushing into her face. Taylor immediately turns around and Y/n gasps when she sees the look on her face. The bewilderment that colors her features brings Y/n back to reality. Regret instantly hits her and she feels tears welling in her eyes.
“I-I’m sorry.”
“No, Y/n-“
Y/n rushes out of the bathroom before Taylor could stop her. However, she quickly steps out and is hot on her trail while haphazardly covering herself with the towel she laid out for her. Y/n’s heart was beating so fast she felt panic begin to wash over her. What she did was wrong. Everything.
“Y/n,” she calls out her name in hopes that she won’t try to hide from her. Her house is quite small, it won’t be hard to find her. She was shocked at her appearance in the bathroom, but Taylor wasn’t mad at her.
After finding an empty living room and kitchen, the last resort was her bedroom; the bedroom they often shared. Y/n was on the bed with a blanket covering her body. She wouldn’t look at Taylor as she approached her.
“Y/n.”
She was unresponsive to the call of her name. Completely frozen.
Taylor grabs her cheeks and makes her look up at her. For the first time in months she’s finally gets to look directly into those sweet eyes of hers. She has to stop a smiling from forming because she doesn’t feel like it’s the right moment, but God does she just want to fawn over Y/n like she is so use to doing.
“It’s okay,” Taylor’s voice is the softest it’s ever been. Y/n did nothing wrong even if she did scare the shit out of Taylor. But she can imagine that her showing up at her doorstep was more jarring.
Y/n just blinks at Taylor, having nothing to say for herself. Ever since she left she has felt like she has nothing to say; she doesn’t have a voice anymore. She remembers screaming at her in anger and hurting her throat so much that it was scratchy for days after. She stayed quiet to rest her voice but felt like she had nothing else to say after that.
“I’m sorry.”
Her voice is a little more steady than it was in the bathroom, but still Taylor hates to see her like this. This isn’t the Y/n she knows. It breaks her to see someone who was always so cheery to sound like they’ve been through hell and back. Y/n was always there waiting to pick up the pieces of Taylor when she came back to her broken, and now it feels like Taylor should do the same. However that’s not her place anymore.
“You don’t need to keep saying that. You don’t have to be sorry. I’m the one who showed up unannounced.”
Taylor just wanted to be close to her. She came here for a reason that aren’t nefarious, but it feels that way when her hand lands on Y/n’s bare back. She’s missed how warm and soft she is that touching her feels electric. She just wanted to talk to her tonight, but she didn’t expect to have the conversation while they two of them were naked.
“Why are you here, Taylor? You haven’t come around in months, why now? Why do you want to see me?”
Y/n almost expected Taylor to hate her. She ruined everything between them because she was scared. Their last moment together were of them saying downright awful things to each other. That was the last recent memory Taylor had of her and she still decided to come tonight.
“I can’t miss you?” She slightly jokes to hide her sadness. She’s spent over 60 days alone. The most interaction she’s had is with the checkout lady at the grocery store near her new apartment. There’s nothing on the walls of the new place she now calls home. Just the bland off-white paint. Saying she misses her would be an understatement.
“So you decide to show up in this weather?”
Hearing it from her reminds Taylor of how pathetic she is. She should feel some shame, but she’s so use to being laid bare with Y/n that she doesn’t feel an ounce of it.
“You don’t think me missing you is enough to explain why I did something like that?” Taylor is still in love with the girl in front of her, she would come to her even in a hurricane. “I don’t think I’ll survive if I stay away from you Y/n.”
“So what now? We’re supposed to get back together? Act like we never said those things to each other? We still dislike things about each other. It’s done. Everything is ruined.”
Y/n’s anger was rising, but she wasn’t mad at Taylor. She was mad at herself. Why had she let things turn into this? Their relationship was so good with the veneer covering it, but you can’t hide the cracks with that. It only took one thing to expose their weak foundation. Y/n felt this was a fucked up version of love while Taylor thought anything and everything could be worked out. They were never going to be perfect, but everything was so good, fixable. Taylor was the dreamer, the hopeful one of the relationship. She believed while Y/n couldn’t get past her own pessimism and self-loathing to see the world from Taylor’s perspective.
Taylor feels defeated and like they’re heading towards the same arguments they were having towards the end of their relationship. She feared that they would get caught up in this toxic loop and her memories of Y/n would be tainted. Taylor is always the one who stays too long but that’s because she needs people.
“It doesn’t have to be like that, Y/n! We don’t have to be mad at each other forever!” She was beginning to beg, embarrassingly so but she was desperate. “I forgive you for what you said. You were angry, and I…I forgive you.”
She knows it’s hard for her to say those words, but she says them as if they’ve been playing on her lips for a long time now. Y/n lets out a sigh of frustration. Taylor has her trapped again and she feels herself falling back into an old habit. They argue about something and then they fall into bed together. Despite how serious the moment is, Y/n feels that itch and she shifts uncomfortably. Taylor reads it as her not being able to handle the conversation.
“I didn’t come here to argue with you.”
“Then why did you come here, Taylor?”
She pauses for longer than she wanted to. When she brings her eyes up to look at Y/n, they’re glassy and unreadable.
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
Taylor recalls back to the moment Y/n barged in on her in the shower. She was standing there naked like she was just so ready to come in. It wasn’t an uncommon thing for them to be naked around each other they were dating, but now the action just seemed out of the ordinary. The outline of her naked body replays over and over in her head, and Taylor wouldn’t be truthful if she said it didn’t turn her on. Part of the reason she came over was because she had that itch. Lying in bed alone for months made it easy for her to miss and think about the warmth of Y/n’s body next to her. She came over because she needed to do something about it.
“Come here, Y/n,” her command comes out of nowhere, but Y/n finds herself moving closer to Taylor. Her voice always brought a more submissive side out of Y/n that it bordered on pure obedience. Even with their relationship crumbling to the ground, she still listened to her without doubt. She sits before her, bodies even closer now, and her hands are on her hips. “Move the blanket,” she asks and she listens.
Y/n feels a breeze hits her the second she pulls the covers off of her body. There is now very little fabric separating them. Taylor is naked under her own towel, but she keeps it on for now. She takes in the sight of Y/n’s naked body again, her chest beginning to rise and fall faster now, and the little goosebumps that begin to form on her skin. She has seen her naked for what feels like a million times, but this feels different, like she’s inviting Taylor in on a secret.
“I’ve missed you,” is all she manages to say, her legs parting as she does.
Taylor looks down to where her legs have widened. It was an invitation she was still hesitant to take, but her body screamed for her to take action. She leaned into Y/n so they were within kissing distance. Instead of doing that though they just hover around each other. She scans Y/n’s face for any sign that she doesn’t want this. When she doesn’t find that, she takes control like Taylor always does and finally kisses her. Soft lips on hers and a sigh of relief that follows is all that she needs. Only months apart, but Y/n’s lips feel so foreign to her and Taylor wants to correct that. She begins to move her lips quicker, more hurried, in an attempt to memorize the feeling of them again. Y/n follows her lead and kisses Taylor back with just as much fervor.
They don’t mean to come off as so needy, but they’re both wildly kissing each other and their hands start to find their way to familiar territory. Taylor lets out a little “fuck” when she feels Y/n’s hand run across her chest. She takes advantage of the moment of weakness and slips her tongue into Taylor’s mouth. It was sloppier than intended but was warranted for the situation at hand. She tastes like her favorite tea with a faint trace of that flavored lip balm she loves so much. Taylor can’t get enough of the simples things about her that she missed so much. She wraps her arm around Y/n and presses her body into hers. Y/n moans at the feeling of their chests bumping together, nipples grazing her skin only to give her even more goosebumps. She feels a more feral side of herself coming out, the side that has wanted this for weeks now. Her teeth sink into Taylor’s bottom lip just enough to cause a little sting, but not enough to heart. Taylor lets out a pathetic whimper when she lets go and she’s left there with slightly bruised lips from kissing and roughness.
“Y/n, do you-“
“I want this. I want this so bad that I don’t want to keep talking about it anymore.
Taylor had her blessing and that’s all that she needed.
Taylor’s towel is tossed to the side and the two roll around in Y/n’s bed completely naked. Her hair was still stamp from the interrupted shower from earlier, but that doesn’t stop Y/n from running her hands through it. She missed how it felt to thread her finger throughout Taylor’s locks and then tug at it when she was going down on her. She mimics that action and it makes Taylor hunger for her in that particular way.
“Lay back for me baby and spread your legs…just like that,” she sighs when she sees her on the bed with her legs fully parted now. “Good fucking girl.”
Y/n’s arousal clings to her thighs as they part wider. Taylor won’t stop staring at the budding mess between her legs and it makes Y/n’s skin heat up in embarrassment. It’s a testament to how much she wanted her, she didn’t have to outright say the words. She wanted to beg for her, but Y/n wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted, she just wanted to feel good and feel her press her body on top of hers.
“You’re so fucking wet. I did that to you?”
Taylor began to take on a teasing tone, one that was much more familiar than the hesitance she displayed earlier. It made Y/n’s heart jump hearing Taylor talk to her like that. She missed how she could easily take control and be dominant over her. The cards always fell that way, even if she attempted to be the one in that position. But no, it was always Taylor’s name she was crying out at the end of the night as she had her way with Y/n’s pliant body. She nods her head quickly in response to her question. A hand comes between her legs to play with her silky pedals. Y/n sharply inhales as her body is engulfed in pleasure. All it takes is one touch and she already feels like she’s going to cum. It’s pathetic almost, but both are too turned on to even give a damn.
“Taylor,” she moans weakly. She can see it in her eyes that she wants Y/n to give her more. Her whimpers and small moans were cute and all, but what Taylor loved about her most was how she would beg for what she wanted without a second thought.
“Shh baby. What do you want from me? What do you need from me?”
Taylor asks her the load bearing questions and it’s fully charged. Y/n knows that she’s asking that in relation to this moment, but she can’t help but think she’s asking her that in general. The only answer she can conjure up in her lust-addled is her physical body. Her presence has been greatly missed and she wants to take full advantage of Taylor being right here.
“I want you inside of me,” she whispers breathlessly. She needed more than just her touch, she needed for Taylor to wear her thin and tire her out. Y/n was already mentally and emotionally exhausted from what happened between them that she needed to physically feel it too.
Taylor was shocked to hear the words coming out of her mouth. She didn’t want to wait for her to warm her up because she was already ready. Y/n had been ready for weeks now for her to come back and claim her body like she owned it. It was like if she waited a second longer than she would just disappear. She was so direct that she had to oblige.
A teasing smile forms on her face as she looks at her. “You’re that desperate to have me inside of you?” She only responds with a nod. Well, who was Taylor to deny her of what she so politely asked for? Taylor knew where everything was still stored and she didn’t hesitate to hop off the bed and find the strap-on that she had left her. Truthfully she had left that and a few other things here so she had an excuse to come back. She never thought she would be coming back here and using it again on Y/n though. When she returns to the bed with it Y/n already had pulled the bottle of lube from what they called the “midnight” bedside table they used for occasions like this. Y/n was already dripping for her, but her grabbing that bottle let Taylor know that she didn’t want her to go easy on her.
“Are you sure?”
She couldn’t help but ask Y/n one last time if she really wanted this. Taylor knows the lust may be clouding her judgment, but they were both under, together.
“Please don’t make me wait. I can take it.”
Taylor knew what Y/n was asking of her and wasn’t too tripped up to not give her exactly what she’s asking for. She wanted everything she had to give her; from the anger that still lingered because of their last argument to the love she still had for her and will probably carry forever. Sex between them was often passionate and bored on rough at times. Y/n had toyed with the idea of exploring a deeper side to sex, something more along the lines of bdsm than just simple rough sex. She had craved a deep feeling of giving up control, and not just to anybody, but to Taylor. The way her hands always dug into Y/n’s hips whenever she ate her, fucked her, or just simply existed in public with her showed her more possessive side. She held onto her as if she never wanted to let go. Tonight is not different.
Y/n gasps when her face is being pressed into the bed. Her ass is up in the air, legs spread enough to display her pussy to Taylor. She ran the head of her strap against Y/n’s sweet petals, but she didn’t waste another second not being inside of her. She pushed in with one slow drag and Y/n felt the wind knocked out of her. Her heartbreak has lead to a low interest in pleasing herself, so this was the first kind of stretch she has felt in weeks. Those weeks almost feel like years the way her pussy takes a bit to adjust to the thickness and length.
“Holy shit,” she lets out a ragged breath. Y/n fists the bed beneath her the deeper and harder Taylor goes. She doesn’t want to be greedy, but she wants to be for her to go faster. Against what may be her better judgment, she doesn’t want to hold back, so she eggs Taylor on. “Please baby, fuck me harder than that!”
She doesn’t mean to come off as mocking, but that’s how Taylor takes it. Y/n was challenging her, and she’s never one to back down. Taylor grabs onto the flesh of her hips forcefully and begins fucking her faster. Quickly her pace became brutal since Y/n made it clear she could handle it. The moans turned into broken sobs and she had a vice grip on the fabric beneath them. The way she had just turned into this pliant mess for her so quickly turned Taylor on. And Y/n was right to assume that Taylor had so much pent up inside of her. Inside was a rambunctious energy that was begging to be released. Anytime she was rough with Y/n her movements were intentional, but right now she couldn’t see or thinking straight. The only thing keeping her grounded to Earth was Y/n’s cries of pleasure mixed with pain. Feeling the skin of her ass meeting her thighs felt unreal, like something she has only dreamed of before and never actually had.
“You like that? Feels fucking good?” Taylor couldn’t stop the words that came out of her mouth. She said that everything Y/n had said to her didn’t bother her, but the anger loomed inside made her want to be mean to Y/n. Taylor would never cross a line, but she certainly used this moment to get her anger out. “What kind of a slut breaks her ex’s heart then lets them use her body?”
Taylor didn’t mean to come off so pointed, but her feelings were hard to hide. She was hurt, and while no amount of sex could heal that, Taylor didn’t mind if this was the way to make her temporarily feel better.
Y/n buries her face into the bed and cries into it. She doesn’t know if the tears are from sadness or because how good the cock feels inside of her. Taylor had angled her hips and began to directly hit the spot inside of her that made Y/n’s toes curl. She felt heavy and weightless at the same time. She didn’t care if it was slutty to let her use her body for temporary satisfaction, she felt like she almost owed it to her.
“Have nothing to say for yourself?” Taylor continued to degrade her in attempt to make her feel so low like she did that now. Later Taylor will feel guilty about it, but not right now. Y/n couldn’t say anything in retaliation because she could barely think straight. Registering her words was already hard enough. She could see stars as her orgasm bubbled up inside of her while Taylor was relentless. She almost reached back to slow her down, but this is what Y/n told Taylor she wanted. She was a big girl and she could take her.
“I-I’m gonna cum, Taylor!” She manages to choke out.
As soon as the words left her lips, Taylor’s hips came to a complete stop. She rutted deep inside of her and all Y/n could do was just lay there and accept it. She mewled and whimpered, desperate for Taylor to move again but she wasn’t in control here.
“Tell me why you deserve to cum,” she commands, earning a groan from Y/n. When a few seconds past and she didn’t answer, she began to grow impatient. “If you don’t give me an answer I’m going to walk out that door and leave you broken and unsatisfied.”
The tears that flowed from her face were not tears of frustration, no longer pleasure. Taylor never deprived her what she wanted, no matter how rough they were playing. This was different though. Y/n knew she had to muster up the energy (and courage) to find the words she wanted to hear.
“Please Taylor…I just…” she sighs deeply when she feels her move just a little, even that gives her some sort of satisfaction, but Y/n is still desperate for more. “I-I’m sorry, just please make me cum! I’ll good! I promise!”
Her words are enough for Taylor to start moving inside of her again. Even if it’s still a slow pace, Y/n will take it.
“You gonna cum for me? Only me?”
“Yes! Only you!”
“Forever?”
“Forever!”
Taylor felt kind enough to give her what she wanted after her admission whether it was going to be reality or not. The harder she pushed her to the edge, the more willing Y/n was to jump off. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears as she saw stars. She’s never cum as hard as she has in this moment. Her entire body tenses up as Taylor continues to hit the spot that made her like this. Over and over again Taylor fucks into her, fucking her through her orgasm until she couldn’t take anymore. Now Y/n feels brave enough to reach back and slow her down, but Taylor still doesn’t relent until she feels like it’s time to.
When Taylor pulls out she admires the sloppy messy she’s caused. Y/n collapses against the bed, tired and out of breath. Taylor reveled in the state she was in, but reality began to set in as the seconds past. She just fucked her ex-girlfriend, the one she thinks is truly the love of her life, but the one she can’t be with.
“Taylor,” Y/n sighs weakly as she tries to push herself up. Her attempt is a failure, but luckily Taylor helps her flip onto her back. Y/n stares up at her, tears still in her eyes. She knows there’s nothing left to say, but she tries to find something, anything to say to her.
Taylor looks at her with regret. They complicated things. They really complicated things. Taylor has nothing to say either, so she just dresses herself up. It gives Y/n flashbacks to post-sex mornings where Taylor is getting ready for the day and she gets to watch her from their bed. Y/n would ask her what she looked forward to most about the day and she always said coming home to her. Now the tone is totally somber and there’s no amount of conversation that could change that. Y/n watches Taylor silently put herself together.
“I’m sorry.”
It’s the last thing she’ll say to her because it’s the most truthful thing Taylor can think of right now. Y/n feels like she’s glued to the bed and doesn’t move even though every inch of her being is yelling at her to go after Taylor. There’s no use, she feels. She clutches the blanket closer to her body as if there was something to hide from. Taylor’s footsteps get lighter the further away from Y/n’s bedroom she gets. She’ll never be in here again, the room that was their own little sanctuary away from the world. Eventually she hears her front door open and shut tightly. Y/n is alone again.
