Hey girlie when’s the new fic coming, no rush btw xx
IT'S HERE! Sorry for the delay life has been crazy. But im on spring break and very excited to work on some pieces.
Let me know what you guys think. If you want a part 2 or something. Next piece is the drunk peter one.
Just Do It
WARNINGS: Depression, suicide attempt, mention of drugs, swearing, underage drinking (dont do it kids), angst OMG, fluffy end.
Summary: Based on the Pete Davidson quote " Ive always been suicidal but ive never had the balls"
Pairing: avengers (Steve, Tony, Nat, Clint, Bruce, Sam, Bucky, Scott Peter) x reader
I hated that I was loved. Life would be so much easier.
It would give me a reason that explains the feeling and thoughts I've had for the past year. But I knew I lived a very fortunate life. I had the best of both worlds, one as a high schooler, the other one as a superhero named Blue Gaze. I thought for a while that if I stopped with my secret identity, life might be better. But it also could become worse, and that was the last thing I wanted. So I just continue to hide under my pain and fears, hiding in the clouded thoughts that fill my head. Reminding me daily that I'm a shitty person, people only care about because of my powers, and nobody would blink an eye at me if I was gone.
And I know when you're feeling like this, you're supposed to talk to someone. but at this point, I don't know what will happen if I talk to someone and I become “better”. it scares the shit out of me. I have kind of become content with my sadness and I don't know what else to do. So I try my best to find different things to distract myself from the feelings.
I'm a junior in high school, going to a local public school. I'm what you call a good kid. I get good grades, don’t stay out late, and was a model student But it all changed around six months ago when I meet my partner Chris. they are the best worst influence I could ask for. They knew and understood my thoughts and knew that I needed a form of escapism. Soon, we were dating and it was a great distraction. They introduced me to marijuana, alcohol, and it was incredible. They made me happy at the moment and not in the long run.
Now here I am, riding up the elevator, at 1 am, to the compound. I had my backpack on, getting a stash of stuff from our friends. I'm staying here this weekend as my parents are out of town. My parents have been concerned about my behavior and well-being for a while now, and even told Tony about their concerns. He tried to talk to me about it, but it only made it worst.
The elevator opened up and I walked into the kitchen. I was out with Chris and their friends and I'm not as drunk as usual, but enough to feel numb. I went to go grab some leftover food in the fridge but before I could even grab the food the door shut and Steve Rodgers had his hand on the fridge. “HEY!” he said, staring at me. If I was sober I would have been scared, but instead, I was given a confidence boost.
“The hell do you want? I'm busy and hungry so get out of my way.” I said as I shoved past his shoulder, going to grab an apple from the fruit bowl but a hand dragged it away. Tony looked at me, with fear and anger in his eyes.
“We have been calling and texting you all night. No answers, no nothing. Hell, you managed to even bypass my security and turn off your location. Mind tell us where the FUCK you have been?” Tony said, gesturing to the mighty heroes behind him. I didn’t even register walking in how many people were in the room. Sam and Bucky were behind the couch, Nat and Scott were sitting on it. Adjacent to them was Wanda and Vision, on the opposite couch, with Bruce standing behind them. But what surprised me the most was Peter standing next to Bruce, eyes red and puffy.
“You don’t need to know everything I do. You aren't my parents, you guys don't own me. I'm allowed to have a fucking life.” I said, annoyed, looking at them.
“We are your parents for this weekend,” said Steve, turning my attention back to him. “You're staying here, therefore you are our responsibility. So let me ask this again. where have you been?” I could tell where this conversation was going, and I didn’t want to deal with it.
“I was out with friends. I'm going to bed.” I said, looking at the team as I walked away.
“Like hell, you're not!” I heard Sam yell behind me. I slowly turn around. “we're going to discuss this. You don't get to walk in here at 1:00 AM smelling like weed and crappy beer, expecting to get out of it.” Sam tells me as he walked closer to me. Before he got too close, Scott appeared next to him.
“What Sam is trying to say is that we're just concerned about you,” Scott said, looking at me like I was a lost dog. “You've been hanging with the wrong crowd, pushing people away. We just want to know what going on. We care about you Y/n.” he walks closer to me, trying to hug me but I step to the side to avoid the interaction.
“Oh cut the crap guys. You don't care about me, you only care about Blue Gaze. You only work with Blue Gaze. Our relationship starts and ends with my mask. You guys couldn’t give two shits about my life." I was annoyed at this point. I had plans for the rest of the night but now they want to talk about my feelings? Fuck no.
"What makes you think that? We care about you. I care about you Y/n” Peter states. I couldn't look at him. He was my best friend, the one I feel closest with out of the bunch. But I haven't spoken to him in a while. Now that they see me as someone who needs help, they are being nice to me now. I hated it. It made me feel angry.
"You don't care about me! All you see is a damsel in distress and you want to save me. But I’m fine.” I said as I heard my voice crack. I could tell they could hear it too. Nat starts talking to me in her motherly voice.
“We just want to help you Y/n. Tell us how we can help” she said. I felt this anger and frustration starting to build up inside me and I felt I was about to break.
“You wanna help me? Fine! Go get a gun and shoot me 'cause I can't bring myself to do it.” I yell as I burst. I looked at my co-workers and they were silent. They couldn’t believe I said that. I couldn’t believe I said that. In fact, I was pissed I said.
"What did you just say?" Bucky asked. I looked at him and I felt fury within me. I didn’t want to say it in the first place but now I have to say it again.
“I'm sorry, Does the Super soldier with super hearing need me to repeat myself? I said I want someone to kill me. It's not that hard, especially for you.” I said. As soon as I said that last part, I knew it was a low blow. But I was in too deep, plus I had a lot to express.
“Y/N! Why the hell would you say that?” Steve said, storming over towards me.
“Why not? It's the truth, and you guys want me to be truthful, don't you? You want me to tell you how I feel. Well, I want to die and Bucky has killed people without any guilt. So I know he can do it so I want him to do it.” I see tears form in the soldier's eyes as he storms out. Sam comes towards me, fire in his eye.
"I don't give two shits about what you're feeling right now, that was incredibly uncalled for.” He shouts before leaving to find Bucky.
“Fine! If he won't do it, how about you Nat?” I said as I make my way to her. “Red room assassin? Go get a gun and kill me. It would solve everyone’s problems, so Just do it!” I scream in her face as I feel us get farther apart from each other. Steve and Scott are pulling me back, as I see Clint get Nat and lead her out of the room. Everyone just continued to stare at me, waiting to see what I would say next. I didn’t even notice the tears coming down my face until Scott pulled me out of my head.
"Hey Kiddo," he said, wiping the tears off my face with his thumb. I looked at him with tearfilled eyes. "Do you want to talk?" i shrugged my shoulders. My heart was telling me to open up because they care, but my head was telling me to run away and avoid talking about it.
“Come here,” he said, walking us over to the couch. I sat down and looked at the floor. Steve sat next to me with Scott on the other side, Peter and Tony on the other couch with Bruce behind them. “What going on Y/n?” Steve said. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't look at anyone. I wanted to hold back but I also knew it would be helpful to talk about it. “Take your time,” he said, putting his arm around me. He brought me into a side hug. I could tell he wanted to do it for comfort, but it was mainly a way to hold me in place so I don’t lash out again. I let out a shaky breath before speaking.
“I want to die but I can't. I have tried multiple times. I've been so close to pulling the trigger, swallowing the pills, or jumping off the ledge. But I think about you guys or my family finding me and I can't bring myself to do it” I say, continuing to look at the floor. I haven’t told anyone this and I know it wouldn’t be the last. "But just because I can't do it, doesn’t make the thoughts and feelings go away.” It was quiet, everyone was waiting for me to say something but I don’t know what else to say. Peter was one of the first ones to speak.
“Why would you want to die? You are a hero, everyone adores you.” Peter said. I looked at him and he hasn’t stopped crying, but they were more silent tears.
“Blue Gaze is a hero, that’s who people love! Nobody cares about a random high schooler.”
“We care about you Y/n, so much,” Scott said, holding hand, caressing it with his thumb.
“No, you don’t!” I start to stand up but Steve's tight hold of me keeps me on the couch. I take a few breathes, to keep myself grounded, so I don’t say something I'll regret.
"Kiddo, we care about you a whole lot. I care about you. But you are scaring me with the way you have been acting. I don't want you to go down the road I was on." Tony said. I knew it meant a lot for him to say that, he doesn't talk about his past a lot. I didn’t even realize Bruce coming over to sit in front.
“Y/n, I need you to be honest with me. I know it will be hard but you have to if you want us to help.” Bruce lifts my chin so I'm forced to look at him. My eyes were full of tears and regret. “Do you think you can do that?” he said, looking at me.
I look around and see my coworkers, or family, waiting for my response. Could I do it? Could I be honest? I want to, but I don’t know what will happen next. Will they send me away? Will I no longer be an avenger? I’ve been holding onto this part of my life for too long, and it's been eating away at me day by day. Maybe it’s time to finally let go. I took a breathe before responding
“Yeah, I'm ready to get help. I'm ready to be honest”
A/N: Ahhh! what do you guys think? please let me know!
Happy first night of Chanukah, friendly reminder that I have written not one but two Chanukah themed Marvel fics! They're not the best but they're there. Go be pro-semitic this holiday season :)
They are easily found in my pinned post of fics I've written. Also, another friendly reminder, although it's been a while, I do still accept prompts, if I like them :)
Holy shit holy shit holy shit- fuckin hell ill post a review of the finale later but this- fuckkkkk ahhhh omg omg im IN LOVE! HER HAIR- *BI PANIC* carole danvers interacting with a south asian community! My 11 yr old embarrassed of my cuture marvel obsessed self would hv a stroke-
and let me tell you, I'm SO happy that Clint finally gets the appreciation and love that he's always deserved! ❤️🔥 He's so well portrayed and I just love his character and personality; he such a dad and ugh...*happy tears* 🥲
Kate Bishop...now THAT'S how you introduce a new character Marvel 👏🏻 Well done. 👏🏻 (I'm still traumatized by the trainwreck of a movie called Eternals...and it showed when I started hawkeye 😮💨)
Her fashion style is so *chefs kiss* 🤌🏻 I GASPED twice because of her choice of outfit 🤩
All in all, the show is perfect so far and I can't wait to watch the new episode.
GO WATCH IT AND SUPPORT IT PLEASE ❤️🔥🦅
P.S.: I'm a huge SUCKER for that Christmas vibe 🥺🤍🎄
