#batfam shitpost

[sweet-as-petrichor]

Tim, high on painkillers and sleep deprivation : You shouldn't be sad because sad spelt backwards is das and dats not good.

Jason, who just came to the manor for Alfred's cookies : What.

[pastelchelle]

Jason and Damian prank the fam

Damian: *eating a burger*

Dick: uhm Damian aren't you vegetarian?

Damian: yes I am

Dick: that burger...

Damian: do not fret Richard, it is not animal meat I am eating

Dick: oh okay...... wait, is it a vegetarian patty?

Damian: no. It is one of Todd's specialties, though. Since Grandfather found the idea of being vegetarian disgraceful in the League, Todd came up with a sure way to get me to eat meat without harming any animals.

Dick: I'm a little confused

Damian: *annoyed sigh* Todd used the leftover remnants of the gladiator scraps to make me meals that consisted of meat without actually eating animals. It was a very inventive idea and passed by Grandfathers inspections every time.

Dick: ... *slowly* Damian... were you eating human meat?

Damian: was that not obvious from what I just told you?

Dick:.... I think I'm going to be sick.

Tim, *see's a Tupperware in the fridge labeled with Damian's name, from Jason*: well, I'm sure a little bite won't hurt~

Dick *walking into the room*: Hey Tim, whatcha got there?

Tim: SHHH I don't want Damian to hear!

Dick: hear what?

Tim: I'm just taking a little bit of the food Jason left him, I'm so hungry.

Dick, *now alarmed*: from Jason?!

Tim: mhm *opens container* and yknow what I'd be doing him a favor beacuse there's meatballs in here!

Dick, *who is suddenly across the room in a flash*: TIM NO!

Tim: what!? WHAT!!??

Dick: you DON'T want to eat that.

Tim: jeez, you could've just said that you're a killjoy...

Dick: no tim, I mean... *leans in* that's not beef. Or pork or any animal meat.

Tim: so it's vegetarian??

Dick:.... *shakes his head with a horrified expression*

Tim:..???......... *realization* oh...

Dinner Time with the Fam

Damian: on the topic of random chatter, I find it very interesting that my food is no longer being stolen as often as it used to be.

Dick: oh... someone's still stealing your food? *panicking*

Damian: yes, unfortunately, but it's not often anymore so I find it not to be much of a bother.

Bruce: that's good, son, maybe they'll stop food snatching soon.

Tim:........... okay we need to talk.

Jason, suddenly picking up his head, from where he was trying to hide his smile: about what?

Tim: Damian... I know that in the league you weren't allowed to not eat animals, but cannibalism is not any better.

Bruce, *extremely alarmed*: wait, repeat that?

Dick: yeah, and Jason, I don't know where you're getting your meat from, and I know you don't kill anymore, which begs the question on where you're getting your sources and if it's even clean!

Jason, affronted: hey, fuck you?! My sources are plenty clean.

Bruce: guys can we go back to what you said about cannibalism--

Damian: I don't see what the big problem is. I am getting a good amount of protein, and compared with Todd's Michelin talents, I know that I am getting more than what is needed for average children my age! I am eating healthy.

Tim: BUT NOT FROM PEOPLE! That is extremely grey area!

Dick: actually it's EXTREMELY black area, and MORALLY wrong!

Bruce, quickly scraping his chair back quickly and bolting out of the room:

Stephanie, who has been sitting idly and in amusement the whole time watching everything unfold: uhm... is Bruce throwing up?

Jason: well, I guess we found out who's been stealing Damian's food.

Dick: oh god.... Bruce has been unknowingly been participating in cannibalism.

Damian: actually, you've been Had, Richard. And Drake.

Tim and Dick: huh?

Damian: I was rather unimpressed and very angry my food has been getting stolen, Todd has superb cooking skills and having that taken from me has made me extremely spiteful.

Tim and Dick:... oh!

Bruce, finally coming back: we need to talk about this.

All the kids collectively in their heads: yeah, we're not gonna tell Bruce.

[lioneliness-etc]

Some goon: *hurts red hood in a fight*

Batman, swooping in: you monster. You should know better than to hurt a child in my city.

Goon: uhh that’s a fully grown man?

Batman: A child. A baby boy. Thats… somebody’s son. Probably.

Jason: oh my god dad you’re so fucking embarrassing

[dc-newbie]

Jason: -and at least if I was being stalked, I’d know!

Tim: You really wouldn’t.

Jason:

Jason: …What’s that supposed to mean?

Dick: Oh, he doesn’t know.

Jason: What don’t I know??!

Tim: Nothing. You know everything. You are omniscient.

Dick: Not as omniscient as 9 year old Tim apparently.

(*Three hours later Jason finds a stack of candid photos from his Robin years on his desk, taken from disconcertingly close ranges.*)

[swugflower]

I feel like there would be such anxiety in the high society in and around Gotham when it comes to Bruce Wayne, his children and them attending galas.

I feel like he would basically never RSVP, but just show up with however many children he feels like. (Or accept everything and decide later).

What’s it’s gonna be? Bruce Wayne alone, flirty and drunk? Bruce Wayne, exhausted, because he has his whole gaggle of kids with him? Bruce Wayne and just some of his kids - if so, which one? The one that constantly climbs on something (tho he is popular with the young attendees and milfs), the 17yo CEO, the silent one (looks kinda scary but harmless), the sassy blonde one that isn’t even his fucking kid, the mystery blood child (very scary but if you have an animal charity he will donate lots of money), the newest no nonsense one or even the one that looks like the one who died and claims to have no relation to the Waynes but only ever hangs out with them.

Or will be bring a random date? Or his butler?

It’s a mystery, but you can bet: if even one Wayne shows up, it will be an interesting evening

[hundredpoundsofsassyandunstable]

Tired of people saying Duke Thomas hates or finds Damian Wayne weird and immature and annoying when they literally are at most three years apart in age, Damian is a literal genius and Duke is a literal genius, AND CANONICALLY THEY BOTH WENT OUT FOR ICE CREAM.

I cannot think of any remarkable scene with Duke and Tim interacting ILL BE HONEST and I do love to think about Tim being an older brother to not Duke and Damian (the trouble makers) .

SEND TIM TO COLLEGE AND HE IS IN HIS TWENTIES CRISIS and pleaseeee more interactions with Damian and Duke? Pretty or ugly please?

Also yes the three of them are autistic i do not make the fucking rules.

My age line for them( doesn't have to be urs)

Tim: 20-22

Duke: 16-18

Damian: 14-15

Duke and Damian hung out and Damian Wayne thirteen and Duke Thomas sixteen in we are robin or robin wars?

Also for me Jason's like what 2-3 years older than Tim?

So for my timeline

Jason: 22-25 (like if Tim is 21 Jason is 23?)

Tim: 20-22 (preferably 21)

Duke: 17-18

Damian: 14-16 (ok I'll be honest for me Tim is either 5 or six years older than Damian preferably six?)

And for my own little timeline Dick is around six years older than Tim maybe seven? And Dick is like five years older than Jason. But FRFR for me dick is around fourteen years older than Damian .

Damian: 14-15

Dick: 28-29 (sure he can be thrifty that's fine)

And yk when Damian was born for me? 2008.

So basically my bullshit is

Dick: 28-29-30

Jason: 22-25

Tim:20-22?

Duke: 16-18

Damian: 14-15

What about Cass? I need to fr read more on her but I'm going on that she's older than Jason by a few months

So she'd be like maybe

Cass: 22-26

Jason: 22-25

What about Steph?

A year older than Tim for me so

Steph: 21-23

Tim: 20-22

I'm flexible with Tim's age ig

But it's mostly centered around him being six years older than Damian? Give or take a year

Bruce? Well I put him at taking dick in at maybe 25? Maybe less And Dick was like 9-11 so I usually make a fourteen age gap as well (isn't that fucked up? How Damian and Dicks relationship mirrors Dicks AND Bruce's relationship?)

So like if dick is 28 and Bruce is 14-15 years older give or take

Bruce : 42-44

Dick: 28-30

Cass: 22-26

Jason: 22-25

Steph: 21-24

Tim: 20-23

Duke: 16-18 (or ig 16-19)

Damian: 14-16 (maybe two or three years younger than duke)

What about Babs? I always thought she was seven years older than dick and seven years younger than Bruce? (Correct me if you wanna)

So Babs is 35 or 35

Bruce: 42

Babs: 35

Dick: 28

Cass: 23-25???

Jason: 23-24

Tim: 22

Duke: 18-19

Damian: 15-16

HEHEHEH

[adeptune01]

Tim: What's your toxic trait- go.

Jason: I truly believe I could win in a fight against anybody if I was mad enough- you might have the strength and size but I have pure, unfiltered rage.

Dick: I think people would let me do literally anything if I just say "please" and look at them all nice.

Damian: Every time I get in an argument with one of you I hope I die after so the last thing you said to me will have been mean, you'll be filled with regret your whole life, and ultimately I would have won.

Tim:

Jason:

Dick:

Damian: See? Effective.

[writing-nothing-but-spilled-ink]

I like to imagine that the people in the batfam just have this ability to kinda materialize out of thin air at any given moment even when there out and about as they're public personas..

Like one day In the middle of a gala Bruce pops up out of nowhere scares the hell out of some poor socialite doesn't even matter that Bruce is meant to be in his Brucie Wayne persona he just does it not intentionally at all he always just stands there so confused as to why people are always spilling there drinks when he's around he thinks it's because he's super attractive but no it's just cause he pops out of nowhere

The same thing happens with each member of the batfamily in different ways like dick will be working as a cop and just going to get coffee hears his coworkers gossiping about him and he very casually walks up to them to continue the conversation or join in but they kinda jump and. Scatter dick just thinks it's because it's about him but no they're like confused on why the new hire cop is popping out of nowhere wondering if he's undercover investigating them all

It just keeps happening Damian forget it he might as well be a ghost with how often he accidentally scares his peers when he's trying really really really hard not to