"I'm over getting older."
Lyrics to my favorite song.
At 18, those words meant nothing to me.
I won't say that I was young and carefree.
I had some demons in me.
But still, the concept of getting old eluded me.
Adulthood was so far in the future.
Beyond my reach.
I'd spent the better part of my youth planning my death.
At age 18, I was still thinking;
Still dreaming of all the ways I could die.
At age 18, I didn't see 25.
There's another line from a song that comes to mind.
"When I think about my life, I wonder if I will survive to live to see 25 or will I just fall?"
I was 12 when I first heard those words.
The song itself - inspirational.
But that line has carried with me my whole life.
I never planned for 25.
They say most people who are suicidal as teens that make it to adulthood have no idea what they're doing.
I don't know how true that is,
But I'm a walking statistic.
At age 12, killing myself seemed like the only way out.
I was trapped in this body.
In this skin I never asked for.
Pressured by society to be less black,
But unable to wipe the dark skin from my face.
I'm over getting older.
The more I look at the world around me,
The more I wonder why - no, how - I've survived.
I wonder how that 18 year old girl who screamed,
"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year."
Every year since she first heard that line sang in her favorite song,
Made it through all she had,
To come out on the other side, 25.
To make it through lies,
Abuse,
Rape,
Losing friends,
Losing relatives,
Trying to keep a job,
Trying to keep a long-term relationship.
How did that little girl make it through all of that somewhat in tact?
The older I get, the less sanity I feel like I have,
But I've become the master at hiding behind a fake smile and a personality that doesn't belong to me.
It's borrowed from friends, coworkers, even celebrities I admire.
I've never known who I really am, honestly.
I'm starting to think even my mental illness is borrowed from others.
My need from attention and validation from others just latched on to these disorders I read so much about.
Now, as an adult, I don't know how to rid myself of them.
I fake progression.
I want to make myself a better person,
But I don't even know who I am as a person.
I'm over getting older.
I'm over being tired.
I'm over not knowing who I am.
That's why getting older scares me.
The older I get, the more I realize my clock is ticking.
I'm running out of time to come to a conclusion of who I really am.
Am I a singer or a hairstylist or something else entirely?
Am I fat or am I skinny?
Am I ambitious or am I just lazy as all hell?
Am I sick or am I faking it?
Am I a rape survivor or am I delusional?
Am I gay or am I just afraid no man will ever really love me?
25 is slowly turning into 26.
And as each day passes, I wonder more and more if who this person I've created for the whole world to see is the real me or if I'm just holding on to this image until my day comes.
I'm over getting older.
I'm over not knowing who I am.
But I'm not sure that I have enough time left on this earth to figure that out.
