#incorrecttonyxeveryone

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Tony: Care to take a stab at being social?

Loki: I do like stabbing. The social part, not so much.

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Bucky: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.

Tony: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

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Loki: I'll kill you.

Tony: At least buy me a drink first.

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Steve: We tried to play Never Have I Ever, but we had to change it to Only Have I Occasionally, so some of us-

Steve: [glances at Tony, who’s absolutely wasted]

Steve: Wouldn’t die from alcohol poisoning.

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Peter: Things look a little tense, Mr. Stark.

Tony: Don't worry, I'm gonna open with a joke.

Peter: Please don't.

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Tony: Sometimes I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

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Tony: I don’t say good morning until after my first coffee, because before that it isn’t.

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Tony: Did you know that atoms don't touch each other? And since we are made of atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives?

Fury: ...

Tony: So to answer your question, no, I didn't punch Rogers-