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🌲 LAST REPORT — The Ridiculously Long, Overly Dramatic, and Surprisingly Absurd Explanation

A story about nature, night shifts, and why you should never trust glowing red eyes.

⸻

CHAPTER 1: The Ranger, The Shift, and The Guidebook Written By Someone Who Definitely Needed Therapy

Our hero—let’s call him William the Tired, because that’s basically his core personality trait—rolls up to the Among Green Trees National Park for his 11 PM shift like every dad who “totally isn’t tired, I’m just resting my eyes.”

It’s 10:30 PM, the kind of hour when raccoons are doing questionable business deals behind dumpsters and every owl is judging you.

William reaches his cabin, opens the newly updated rulebook, and discovers:

RULES FOR NIGHT RANGERING, ACCORDING TO THE VERY SUSPICIOUS NEW MANAGEMENT™

1. Don’t die.

2. Categorize reports.

3. Upload reports.

4. Definitely don’t ask why rule #1 is there.

He flips the page. Suddenly, the vibe goes from “boring paperwork” to “you are the unpaid moderator of a supernatural HOA.”

He has to:

✔️ Review camera reports

✔️ Categorize them

✔️ Verify them

✔️ Upload them

✔️ Question why he chose this job when he could’ve been an accountant like his mom wanted

He finishes reading as if he didn’t just sign up for horror-movie bingo.

CHAPTER 2: Jon the Bro Arrives, Brings News, Brings Keys, Leaves With Booze

Jon—who radiates Golden Retriever Best Friend Energy—walks in like Kramer entering Jerry’s apartment.

He and William talk:

• William’s been away for two weeks on a sandy vacation.

• William has a family who worry about him (which already makes him too emotionally stable for this job).

• Jon gives him updates: new electric poles, flickering lights, and absolutely zero phone signal because the forest said “digital detox time.”

• Jon gives him keys to a new ranger named Henry.

• William gives Jon a bottle of alcohol, proving these two are basically forest-dwelling Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

Friendship level: 10/10, would die for each other. Later… they will.

Jon leaves, probably thinking, “Nothing bad ever happens in this forest.”

Oh, Jon. Sweet, naïve Jon.

CHAPTER 3: Welcome Henry, Corporate Refugee With a Midlife Crisis

Henry arrives like the human embodiment of an “I just quit Amazon” Reddit post.

He explains:

• He escaped city life.

• He and his wife wanted peace.

• He chose ranger work because spreadsheets cannot chase you in the woods.

• The park has great Yelp reviews (which I must question because any park with this lore should have angry 1-star reviews from ghosts).

Henry leaves with the keys Jon brought.

CHAPTER 4: Caroline the Goodbye Ranger & The Mystery of the Intruder Who Plants Bear Traps Like They’re Flowers

Caroline calls:

“Hey William! I’m leaving this job forever. You were great. The forest is probably haunted. Anyway, bye!”

William: suspicious eyebrow raise

Then the door slowly opens.

A figure steps in.

Shrouded in darkness.

Silent.

Moves like someone looking for the bathroom in a stranger’s house.

Plants something on the floor.

Runs out.

William processes this by blinking 847 times.

Jon returns and discovers the planted item:

A BEAR TRAP

Someone came all the way out here… in a storm… to plant a bear trap… inside the house.

That’s commitment. That’s also a crime.

Jon reports it and leaves William alone with the trap like, “Here, hold this illegal object.”

CHAPTER 5: The Storm, The Missing Old Man, and Henry’s Barefoot Goblin Child

Storm hits.

Darkness.

Wind howling like it stubbed its toe.

Douglas—grandpa ranger, nature enjoyer, refuses to retire—goes radio silent.

Everyone panics.

Then Henry calls:

“I just saw a barefoot child sprinting through the forest at midnight.”

William: “A what.”

Henry: “A barefoot child.”

William: “…we don’t have barefoot children in the forest at midnight, Henry.”

Henry: “Well now we do.”

This is when William should’ve quit his job. Or burned the forest. Or called HR.

But no—he just keeps reviewing reports.

CHAPTER 6: Douglas Arrives With Lore, Trauma, and a Lantern That Screams ‘Plot Dump Incoming’

Douglas steps inside like Gandalf after a long hike.

Ok, hear me out… Douglas is soooo fire!❤️‍🔥😏🥴

He tells the story:

“25 years ago… my buddy died in this very cabin. No wounds. No injuries. Just… dead.

But his body squirmed and whispered.”

William: “…solid start.”

Douglas continues:

• He saw “shapes” in the woods

• Management covered everything up

• He got threatened to shut up

• The dead ranger’s family disappeared

William realizes he signed up for a job that needs a priest, not a promotion.

Douglas leaves.

William is alone again.

CHAPTER 7: The Corpses, The Red-Eyed Thing, and the Computer Wallpaper from Hell

Camera reports start showing:

• Mutilated deer

• Mutilated people

• Mutilated… everything

William: “I hate my job.”

Then something with glowing red eyes peers through the window like it wants to borrow sugar.

Then it climbs on the roof.

Then the computer glitches like it installed Windows 98.

William tries calling help.

Signal dies.

The wallpaper changes to pictures of suffering souls because apparently the monster has graphic design skills.

He continues reviewing reports anyway, because capitalism.

CHAPTER 8: Corpses Bang on the Window Because Apparently That’s a Thing Now

A corpse starts banging its head against William’s window like a drunk pigeon.

It opens the door.

It vanishes.

William is having the worst work shift since “the guy who had to mop the Titanic hallways.”

Then Jon calls.

Jon is hiding in the woods, terrified.

Henry’s discovered the reports are changing themselves.

They need to:

✔️ Review reports

✔️ Upload them

✔️ Find the heart of the anomaly

✔️ Destroy it

✔️ Try not to die

So really, a normal Tuesday.

CHAPTER 9: The Monster Attacks—Douglas Saves the Day Like a Forest Rambo

Power goes out.

Monster enters cabin.

Flashlight dies.

Monster charges him—

BANG!

Gunshot.

Monster drops.

Douglas stands there like he’s been fighting forest demons since the Cold War.

Like I said, Douglas, MARRY ME!!!!

He leaves to save Henry.

CHAPTER 10: Enter… The Doctor™

A mysterious doctor calls:

“Hey, uh, so I planted that bear trap to help.

I’ve studied these monsters for years.

Management is shady.

Also here are some cursed files you should 100% look at alone at night during a storm.”

He dumps 25 years of horror into William’s desktop like he’s sending memes.

We learn:

• Emily, a missing child, might be a shadow entity

• Entities take human form

• They create illusions

• They psychologically torment victims

William begins questioning reality, his job, and why he never became a plumber.

CHAPTER 11: Henry Dies, Douglas Fights, and Jon Says Goodbye Forever

Gunshots outside.

Douglas kills two monsters.

Henry tries to reach the cabin.

He’s severely injured.

He screams for William to take the deal.

Then he dies.

Then Jon calls—injured, dying, alone.

He says goodbye.

He doesn’t want William to hear him die.

The line goes dead.

William breaks down.

And honestly? Same.

CHAPTER 12: The Heart, The Monster, and the Offer

William finds the heart.

Goes to stab it—

It vanishes.

The monster appears behind him like a toxic ex.

It tells William:

• It is not a monster

• It is the essence of nature

• It kills only those who harm nature

• Humanity is a parasite

• William can save everyone by completing the Last Report

• This will free the entity from the forest

No pressure.

William must choose:

✔️ Complete the report

❌ Refuse and die

CHAPTER 13: The Void, The Ranger From 1998, and the Clock of Doom

If William accepts:

He enters a surreal void where he meets Mandax—the ranger who died 25 years ago.

His mind has been stuck here ever since.

They walk a bridge together.

Mandax tries to help him escape.

They probably won’t.

If William finds the Clock:

He can rewind time.

Bring everyone back.

But he himself becomes trapped in the void.

He sacrifices himself so his friends can live.

Because William is built like a Greek tragedy.

EPILOGUE: Nature Is Metal, Monsters Lie, and Management Is Worse Than Both

The “guardian of nature” lied.

It hates humanity.

It manipulates minds.

It creates hallucinations.

It wipes entire ranger stations like they’re dust on a bookshelf.

Management covered everything up.

The doctor tried to warn them.

The rangers were disposable.

In the end:

William becomes the next “chosen one,”

Locked in the void,

So everyone else can live.

⸻

⭐️ THE END

(or the beginning, if you like spiraling into existential dread)

If you’ve got theories, I’d love to hear them—you just survived a lore dump the size of a national forest. You earned the right to speculate wildly.

(TW: awsome game rant(?) incoming)

Am I the ONLY ONE in the Last Report fandom— IS THERE A FANDOM?? Am I just a fan???

What do you meeaannn!!! I can’t build a community by myself! Who’s gonna feed me??? What do I do with all these AUs and Headcanons??!

Well… I kinddaa get it… small, short indie horror game. Go check it out. Its amazing.

Uhhh demo on itch.io and steam, full game on steam. Go build a community, give me a fandom. Is this considered an ad???

…does this have a tag? what do I tag this?

#last report #last report (game)#???are those good?? I think so. yeah. yeah they are.#pixel games… you gotta love em.#UGGHH mannn… :(#zanyz post

Qrow: I stopped by because I got some news.

Ruby: Is it a raise?

Qrow: You're kidding, right? You just got back from vacation. Come back to reality.

--------------------------------------------------

Ruby: Oh my god, the amount of times I had to tell Jaune to come back to reality when asking me for a raise.

Jaune: WOW

Ruby: This is relatable as hell...

Jaune: What the fuck

--------------------------------------------------

Ruby: How do I get my employees to continue to be dedicated to their job after work hours?

Jaune: ... Chat: I dunno. Ask Jaune

Ruby: How do I- I'm not getting a can-do attitude to work 15 hours overtime with no pay.

Jaune: More money

Ruby: NO!

Jaune: -_-

Ruby: I don't want to pay my employees more money.

Ruby: (Snickers) Hey, PNY; how do I get my employees to really gather the company values that I find important in my wagies?

Jaune: If she gets me a pizza...

Ruby: Like, am I the asshole for giving everyone work homework?

#rwby #tomato gaming #ruby rose #last report #jaune arc #qrow branwen

🌲 LAST REPORT — The Ridiculously Long, Overly Dramatic, and Surprisingly Absurd Explanation

A story about nature, night shifts, and why you should never trust glowing red eyes.

⸻

CHAPTER 1: The Ranger, The Shift, and The Guidebook Written By Someone Who Definitely Needed Therapy

It’s 10:30 PM, the kind of hour when raccoons are doing questionable business deals behind dumpsters and every owl is judging you.

William reaches his cabin, opens the newly updated rulebook, and discovers:

RULES FOR NIGHT RANGERING, ACCORDING TO THE VERY SUSPICIOUS NEW MANAGEMENT™

1. Don’t die.

2. Categorize reports.

3. Upload reports.

4. Definitely don’t ask why rule #1 is there.

He flips the page. Suddenly, the vibe goes from “boring paperwork” to “you are the unpaid moderator of a supernatural HOA.”

He has to:

✔️ Review camera reports

✔️ Categorize them

✔️ Verify them

✔️ Upload them

✔️ Question why he chose this job when he could’ve been an accountant like his mom wanted

He finishes reading as if he didn’t just sign up for horror-movie bingo.

CHAPTER 2: Jon the Bro Arrives, Brings News, Brings Keys, Leaves With Booze

Jon—who radiates Golden Retriever Best Friend Energy—walks in like Kramer entering Jerry’s apartment.

He and William talk:

• William’s been away for two weeks on a sandy vacation.

• William has a family who worry about him (which already makes him too emotionally stable for this job).

• Jon gives him updates: new electric poles, flickering lights, and absolutely zero phone signal because the forest said “digital detox time.”

• Jon gives him keys to a new ranger named Henry.

• William gives Jon a bottle of alcohol, proving these two are basically forest-dwelling Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

Friendship level: 10/10, would die for each other. Later… they will.

Jon leaves, probably thinking, “Nothing bad ever happens in this forest.”

Oh, Jon. Sweet, naïve Jon.

CHAPTER 3: Welcome Henry, Corporate Refugee With a Midlife Crisis

Henry arrives like the human embodiment of an “I just quit Amazon” Reddit post.

He explains:

• He escaped city life.

• He and his wife wanted peace.

• He chose ranger work because spreadsheets cannot chase you in the woods.

• The park has great Yelp reviews (which I must question because any park with this lore should have angry 1-star reviews from ghosts).

Henry leaves with the keys Jon brought.

CHAPTER 4: Caroline the Goodbye Ranger & The Mystery of the Intruder Who Plants Bear Traps Like They’re Flowers

Caroline calls:

“Hey William! I’m leaving this job forever. You were great. The forest is probably haunted. Anyway, bye!”

William: suspicious eyebrow raise

Then the door slowly opens.

A figure steps in.

Shrouded in darkness.

Silent.

Moves like someone looking for the bathroom in a stranger’s house.

Plants something on the floor.

Runs out.

William processes this by blinking 847 times.

Jon returns and discovers the planted item:

A BEAR TRAP

Someone came all the way out here… in a storm… to plant a bear trap… inside the house.

That’s commitment. That’s also a crime.

Jon reports it and leaves William alone with the trap like, “Here, hold this illegal object.”

CHAPTER 5: The Storm, The Missing Old Man, and Henry’s Barefoot Goblin Child

Storm hits.

Darkness.

Wind howling like it stubbed its toe.

Douglas—grandpa ranger, nature enjoyer, refuses to retire—goes radio silent.

Everyone panics.

Then Henry calls:

“I just saw a barefoot child sprinting through the forest at midnight.”

William: “A what.”

Henry: “A barefoot child.”

William: “…we don’t have barefoot children in the forest at midnight, Henry.”

Henry: “Well now we do.”

This is when William should’ve quit his job. Or burned the forest. Or called HR.

But no—he just keeps reviewing reports.

CHAPTER 6: Douglas Arrives With Lore, Trauma, and a Lantern That Screams ‘Plot Dump Incoming’

Douglas steps inside like Gandalf after a long hike.

Ok, hear me out… Douglas is soooo fire!❤️‍🔥😏🥴

He tells the story:

“25 years ago… my buddy died in this very cabin. No wounds. No injuries. Just… dead.

But his body squirmed and whispered.”

William: “…solid start.”

Douglas continues:

• He saw “shapes” in the woods

• Management covered everything up

• He got threatened to shut up

• The dead ranger’s family disappeared

William realizes he signed up for a job that needs a priest, not a promotion.

Douglas leaves.

William is alone again.

CHAPTER 7: The Corpses, The Red-Eyed Thing, and the Computer Wallpaper from Hell

Camera reports start showing:

• Mutilated deer

• Mutilated people

• Mutilated… everything

William: “I hate my job.”

Then something with glowing red eyes peers through the window like it wants to borrow sugar.

Then it climbs on the roof.

Then the computer glitches like it installed Windows 98.

William tries calling help.

Signal dies.

The wallpaper changes to pictures of suffering souls because apparently the monster has graphic design skills.

He continues reviewing reports anyway, because capitalism.

CHAPTER 8: Corpses Bang on the Window Because Apparently That’s a Thing Now

A corpse starts banging its head against William’s window like a drunk pigeon.

It opens the door.

It vanishes.

William is having the worst work shift since “the guy who had to mop the Titanic hallways.”

Then Jon calls.

Jon is hiding in the woods, terrified.

Henry’s discovered the reports are changing themselves.

They need to:

✔️ Review reports

✔️ Upload them

✔️ Find the heart of the anomaly

✔️ Destroy it

✔️ Try not to die

So really, a normal Tuesday.

CHAPTER 9: The Monster Attacks—Douglas Saves the Day Like a Forest Rambo

Power goes out.

Monster enters cabin.

Flashlight dies.

Monster charges him—

BANG!

Gunshot.

Monster drops.

Douglas stands there like he’s been fighting forest demons since the Cold War.

Like I said, Douglas, MARRY ME!!!!

He leaves to save Henry.

CHAPTER 10: Enter… The Doctor™

A mysterious doctor calls:

“Hey, uh, so I planted that bear trap to help.

I’ve studied these monsters for years.

Management is shady.

Also here are some cursed files you should 100% look at alone at night during a storm.”

He dumps 25 years of horror into William’s desktop like he’s sending memes.

We learn:

• Emily, a missing child, might be a shadow entity

• Entities take human form

• They create illusions

• They psychologically torment victims

William begins questioning reality, his job, and why he never became a plumber.

CHAPTER 11: Henry Dies, Douglas Fights, and Jon Says Goodbye Forever

Gunshots outside.

Douglas kills two monsters.

Henry tries to reach the cabin.

He’s severely injured.

He screams for William to take the deal.

Then he dies.

Then Jon calls—injured, dying, alone.

He says goodbye.

He doesn’t want William to hear him die.

The line goes dead.

William breaks down.

And honestly? Same.

CHAPTER 12: The Heart, The Monster, and the Offer

William finds the heart.

Goes to stab it—

It vanishes.

The monster appears behind him like a toxic ex.

It tells William:

• It is not a monster

• It is the essence of nature

• It kills only those who harm nature

• Humanity is a parasite

• William can save everyone by completing the Last Report

• This will free the entity from the forest

No pressure.

William must choose:

✔️ Complete the report

❌ Refuse and die

CHAPTER 13: The Void, The Ranger From 1998, and the Clock of Doom

If William accepts:

He enters a surreal void where he meets Mandax—the ranger who died 25 years ago.

His mind has been stuck here ever since.

They walk a bridge together.

Mandax tries to help him escape.

They probably won’t.

If William finds the Clock:

He can rewind time.

Bring everyone back.

But he himself becomes trapped in the void.

He sacrifices himself so his friends can live.

Because William is built like a Greek tragedy.

EPILOGUE: Nature Is Metal, Monsters Lie, and Management Is Worse Than Both

The “guardian of nature” lied.

It hates humanity.

It manipulates minds.

It creates hallucinations.

It wipes entire ranger stations like they’re dust on a bookshelf.

Management covered everything up.

The doctor tried to warn them.

The rangers were disposable.

In the end:

William becomes the next “chosen one,”

Locked in the void,

So everyone else can live.

⸻

⭐️ THE END

(or the beginning, if you like spiraling into existential dread)

If you’ve got theories, I’d love to hear them—you just survived a lore dump the size of a national forest. You earned the right to speculate wildly.

#last report

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