#madposting

[natalieironside]

Due to my weird childhood and my weird brain, I have this very unhelpful compulsion to conceal Everything I do from Everyone. I Cannot be observed performing any action, no matter how mundane. My nervous system is convinced I'm gonna, like, Get In Trouble for eating food at dinnertime or sleeping in my bed at bedtime.

I've taken to asking myself, "Okay does this task actually require subterfuge or am I stealing a balloon on Free Balloon Day"

[plasmawillfreeyou]

Merry crisis everyone 🎄🎁🎄

[man-offical]

JUST RECORDED AN HOUR OF FOOTAGE FOR A VIFEO AND IT ALL BLEEPING CORRUPTED ❗️❗️❗️❗️😡😡😡❗️😡❗️😡😡😡😡😡❗️❗️❗️

[bumblebitch69]

"Prayer never gets answered" "all religion is people turning to false idols" "nobody has ever had a direct experience of god" massive skill issue im hashems favoritest little faggot and xe returns my messages everyday😇

[theoretically-questionable]

there's something so captivatingly horrifying about psychosis. along with progressive memory loss, it just so thoroughly puts the nature of the brain as a fallible computational machine to the fore. inarguable in its relentless horror. increasingly i feel as if a morally upright universe would simply not allow this sort of thing to happen.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

I hate keeping up a facade of who I am cause of a fictional reality in my head and where everyone will turn against me if I so much as do the tiniest unnoticeable action out of line. That I'm a monster in hiding and just waiting for a train of fucking harassment and rejection.

The internet really fucked me up. Being traumatized but also having no idea about boundaries and barriers while growing up on the internet was shit. I learned to hate the way I speak, to expect to constantly be misunderstood and therefore demonized, to be dog piled and harassed, that everyone is watching me and waiting for a mistake to be made. Being schizospec and whatever fucking else I have that impairs my mental abilities while growing up on the internet is hell. So much fucking ruined me where I cannot exist openly without feeling watched, judged, and demonized. Where simply posting a positive comment gave me a panic attack and I had to delete it. I've worked really fucking hard to get past that and isolating myself to Tumblr helped. But fuck.

Being disabled and having issues with brain processing stuff and being on the internet growing up really worsened any fucking othering I already experienced irl for the same reasons. Everywhere I turned, I was met with rejection or mockery or pretend. I learned it was normal to be mocked behind my back when people would act nice. That any comment on fandom shit would get people upset at me. And cringe culture esp made that fear worse. And how my irl issues only added to that cause of the abuse and isolation I faced socially with friends and at home. How I literally had fucking nobody until my friends at 15/16 and didn't even learn to accept that until I was fucking 18. My entire childhood was fucked. And now I fucking fear that everything I do is wrong. Even if it actually fucking helps me. Asking for stuff? Wrong. Sending in anon asks? Wrong. Complimenting fanfictions? Wrong. Reblogging shit I like? Wrong. Feeling strongly about stuff? Wrong. Suspecting stuff I might experience? Wrong. Existing? WRONG.

I've come fairly far in it and I'm learning to post for myself and not for others. But holy fucking shit. I am so fucking fragile from years of isolation and rejection and othering. Cause I had social issues. I had problems with understanding relationships. I had difficulty being the "weird kid" while thinking I wasn't and being rejected for it. Treated as someone to talk to or mess with at convenience. Having no one that really wanted to be my friend. People that would tolerate me cause I was nice and sweet, but still find me weird and off putting and reject me. Being demonized for every fucking emotion I had even if it was a trauma response while being guilt tripped to accept any mistreatment from others. And if I ever suspected anything then I was being a terrible person and friend. I'm not fucking innocent of shit. But like. Seeing the way I was mistreated by even those I held closest fucking hurts. I didn't stand a fucking chance. I forced myself to believe any worry about abandonment or friends leaving was in my head which worsened the way I can tell reality from fantasy and if I can fucking tell if someone is mistreating me or not. All anything has done is leave me more open to abuse and mistreatment. Which has only led me to be more afraid of people because I cannot trust myself or protect myself. So I've had to become wary and defensive and isolated. Just to avoid being abused further. Every message. Every interaction. Every little thing. It feels terrifying. It feels like I must be ready to protect myself. But I crave it. Cause I wanna be accepted and I wanna act like everyone else. I want to be like everyone else. It's two sides constantly fighting in me. My life is fucking hell and I'm honestly just trying to live it. People will always make assumptions about me because I cannot be perfectly eloquent without "over speaking" and overcompensating for my disabilities. But that just results in rejection too. And I fucking hate it.

Very much my experiences just make me angrier and wanna do more honestly. Cause I fucking lived this shit along with everything else I can't fucking remember. And it's fucking hell. And it's honestly why I just wanna be honest about my ugly reality. This? This is only a fucking fraction of my life condensed down based on what I can think of and remember. There's far more. From the time my memory began and honestly before. And that's just what I have to live with.

[fuzzy-oooze]

missing 411 is like the lamest conspiracy theory. "I wonder what could be making so many people disappear in the wilderness area most commonly visited by people who aren't experienced with the wilderness" I think you just answered your own question there.

Giants are up there too. "the government doesn't want you to know this but there are secretly BIG GUYS out there" Yeah yeah what the fuck ever. Why would they care.

[angels-are-sinning]

fuck getting diagnosed im rawdogging this pychosis like god intended