maybe a vent but not really idk
referring to myself in the second person for some reason donât ask
Do you ever have that feeling of like⊠who am I?
When you look in the mirror and it doesnât really feel like you. Not just because you donât look like you want to look but because it just genuinely doesnât connect.
And your brain feels kind of empty, like a shell without a snail in it. And who are you when youâre not assuming a persona to talk to someone or roleplay? And sometimes it feels like there are different people in your brain taking the wheel but not taking control, and theyâre still you in a way but a different flavor of you. And you canât really tell anyone because youâre not diagnosed with anything so people will say youâre a faker, and youâre kind of scared to look too far into it because what if there actually is something wrong with you? But you donât really have the symptoms of much besides the things you already know you have, like ocd and social anxiety, and apparently you might be audhd, too, because your partner who is adhd and has been tested for autism thinks you have it and yeah, you do have a lot of the qualifications like time blindness, task paralysis, ect but youâve always just been told you have a âlazy streakâ instead and you were raised with the worldview that autistic people are potentially dangerous and itâs âsadâ that theyâre like that, because theyâre ânot rightâ and stimming or tics are also not right.
but youâve been so isolated due to the pandemic and you spent four years without talking to anyone in-person besides your immediate family, and thatâs not an exaggeration thatâs just the facts and you homeschooled yourself and graduated high school at sixteen and youâre just not ready for college because youâve been so sheltered that youâre so scared of being alone and lost and how are you going to function?
and maybe youâre just being dramatic. Other people have it worse, other people have real trauma like abuse or homelessness or parents that hit them and you only had parents that yelled and you donât remember when your biological mother abused you physically when you were a toddler and young child but the brain is supposed to block out things like that, right?
did that mess you up? Or was it something else? Should you remember that? Is it bad that you canât remember it???
or maybe the internet has just influenced you too much because youâre chronically online and were raised by ao3 and roblox and had to learn about the world by yourself because your family kept you so sheltered that itâs concerning to look back on. And yeah you saw and read and watched things you shouldnât have at such a young age but thatâs okay because other people did it, too.
but nowadays youâre reading about things like being a system and wow endogenic really feels like you. But a lot of people think that endos are bad and does that mean youâre bad? Are you faking it? Are you wanting to be âcoolâ like the system people and your brain is just making it up?
But the names you have in your head donât feel like your name, they feel like the names of other people but they arenât people in the way that your characters and ocs are, they feel realer the way that your favorite characters that you hyperfixate feel âreal.â You can imagine what they say and are they really saying it or are you making them say it? Is that your inner voice or is that their voice? Itâs all so confusing and they arenât you but youâre them.
and who are you, exactly? Youâre an accumulation of everything youâve ever liked and every oc youâve made and the facade you put up in front of your unaccepting family and the other mask you occasionally have to put up for your one irl friend who you see maybe four times a year.
and you have these things that you call your âmoodsâ where you feel sad for no reason and have no energy and donât want to talk, and is that depression or is that just being sad? Because it isnât like your friendâs depression where they want to do harmful things to themselves because youâve never done that, even if you have intrusive thoughts that you COULD do that, but you donât want to and you genuinely never would, itâs just the unwanted knowledge that, in theory, you could.
and youâre scared of being depressed because you were depressed two autumns ago before you were medicated and looking back you realize how bad your mental health was and you couldnât tell your family because you were âdoing it for attentionâ and âpicking and choosing.â
and a lot of the time you have no energy and youâre so tired and your body hurts but maybe thatâs just because you forget to take your vitamins but sometimes even when you take your vitamins you still feel achy and is it due to bad mental health or is there something physically wrong with you? But sometimes you have lots of energy!!!! Zoomies!!!! Run run run run run and the sun is shining and itâs so nice outside and life is really nice!nnn maybe itâs just because you donât eat that well but you donât live near a big grocery store to be able to cook fresh foods, and fast food and sweet foods make you feel happy so you eat a lot of them, but you try to exercise every day!
and you donât really have any emotions a lot of the time, you donât feel numb or sad or down you just DONT feel. Like youâre just vibing but youâre not happy, but youâre not sad either. Maybe you are happy and youâre just taking it for granted.
so are you a system? Are the funny feelings in your head different personalities or are they just you having mood swings?
because you donât disassociate and you donât really forget much and you can remember what you did that day and the day before. Youâre present, or at least you think you are.
The name you were born with isnât yours, but the name you chose almost two years ago isnât really fitting all the time anymore, because âAlexâ feels happy and sometimes you do feel like Alex! Especially when youâre with your partner and you can laugh and smile without being afraid of getting in trouble.
And for a while you were Paul but Paul is sad and you donât always feel sad. And maybe youâre also Atreus but Atreus is angry and grungy and sometimes you like soft fluffy pastel aesthetics, especially when youâre in littlespace and youâre just a baby boy.
and you used to go by Evan and Evan felt different than Alex and Paul and Atreus and your deadname.
and then maybe you felt a new name forming last night during an oc roleplay and âJohnâ is based on John Watson from BBC Sherlock but heâs not John Watson because heâs different and you but not you and does that make him an interject? You donât really understand all these terms and what if youâre being ableist and a cringy faker by using them?
and sometimes you just feel like a silly little cat or puppy with no thoughts
itâs all confusing and you just donât know. Is this an identity crisis? What even IS an identity crisis? Itâs not really a crisis tho because itâs not pressing.
maybe youâre just faking it. Maybe ur just influenced and your little weird brain is messed up and thereâs nothing even wrong with you.
