I’m polyamorous&pansexual and I’m married to a cis-male, who claims he is polyamorous as well, but ... he set rules for me.
I’m not allowed to have male sexual relationships. Which is like putting me in a box. I’m so frustrated because I told him he is free to love whomever he wants.
But, I happened to find someone whom I connect with so very strongly, and unfortunately is a male. I’m now so very torn. Any advice?
~° Question °~
" I’m polyamorous&pansexual and I’m married to a cis-male, who claims he is polyamorous as well, but ... he set rules for me.
I’m not allowed to have male sexual relationships. Which is like putting me in a box. I’m so frustrated because I told him he is free to love whomever he wants.
But, I happened to find someone whom I connect with so very strongly, and unfortunately is a male. I’m now so very torn. Any advice? "
I'm not sure how long ago this was asked or if it's been resolved yet or not but... I've always been personally conflicted on how I feel about this type of situation. The answer is complicated and long so strap in 😂!
On one hand, he is allowed to have boundaries just as you are- on another, has he addressed or spoken about the *why* behind his comfort with you being in a same sex relationship vs. an opposite sex one? What about transmen or transwomen, does he view them differently as well and if so, why?
OPP or OVP (one penis or one vagina policy as the term is often coined as, I'm unsure if there is an intersex version for the term) is often seen as incredibly negative and toxic behavior, fueled by a mixture of unchecked jealousy, lack of consideration to the love style of the partner that is actively being restricted, loss of personal autonomy in terms of feeling forced to not persue relationships you're truly wanting to have and many more very valid reasons as for why this is such a looked down upon relationship 'policy'.
There are several ways to go about addressing the situation, and all of them are going to put both of you out of a comfort zone in some way.
- Converse with each other:
Long, time consuming and repeat conversations over an extended period of time to attempt to get to the root of the reason for the implementation of the 'policy' that he's placed on you. Why he thinks he has carte blanche to decide this for you when you are clearly uncomfortable with it just as much as he is uncomfortable with the potential of you having another male partner. Discussing the ways in which he feels insecure and you feel insecure, most jealousy (which is an entirely normal human emotion) is from a place of internal conflict/insecurities/self-image/etc. He may feel threatened by having another male in your life romantically/sexually, he may feel a million different things about it but you'll never know if you never have those conversations and you might want to be willing to put it to him that way too if you're feeling at your wits end or if he's shutting down conversation on the topic. It might be good to text conversation to each other about it also/instead as well so that way you both have time to think about your responses to one another and you aren't pressured by a sense of urgency in a timed response. Make sure you both feel safe in the discussion.
-Consider your options moving forward:
Consider whether this relationship is something you want to continue into the future or something you want to end. Obviously you're asking this so I'm gonna assume you want to stay in the relationship, but weigh the option seriously as to whether or not you think that you can either work through this with your partner or put up with it; I say put up with instead of agree with because you are interested in starting a relationship with someone else and are frustrated that though you've given him full freedom in love life decision making, you did not receive the same in return. Ask how he would feel if he was put into your position, discuss instead of argue, there's no need for aggression but honesty is vital. Perhaps he isn't polyam and is simply some form of non-monogamous only time and personal reflection will tell.
People tend to suggest (from what I've seen in the community) immediately giving up on these kinds of relationships because of the heartache that may come with it, but they never address how much heartache you will face when ending or changing the status of your relationship as well. Don't let the sunken cost fallacy or what not hold you back from what could be your promising future with another, but after a certain point if you feel the relationship is not working out then make whatever decisions you see fit. Alternatively to remember, personal growth or mutual growth are both painful, exhausting, and an ebb and flow of a myriad of emotions. You aren't confined to a box unless you want to be in that box, you may have to make a decision from an ultimatum come worst case scenario, but the decision is still ultimately yours to make.
