Reader has a diary about Ellie, writing about how much she loves Ellie and has a crush, one day Ellie comes over and finds it, reading it, seeing the love notes and drawings for her 🗣️
──── 3.5k ◞ ୨ৎ in your head જ⁀➴ ₊˚⊹ crush! els x bsf! reader, fluff, kisses, cuddles, ellie is a loser & sweetheart, reader is shy but talkative towards ellie, & teeny tiny angst (: this is just pure softness and love.
if ellie could use one word to describe you it would be fascinating. ever since the two of you were kids, you had this weird ability to sit down and write every single thought that came to mind. and trust her, you did this four hours at a time. when she didn’t know how to have patience, she often found herself whining about it.
but now, after everything, she was grateful you kept those journals.
it was winter—and like any normal gloomy day, you and ellie would find yourselves curled up on the couch in your shared apartment. having known each other so long, the decision to cut costs during uni was as easy as anything else.
living with ellie was.. to say the least, very difficult for you. not because she was an awful roommate, but because you had begun to have these stirring feelings inside of your chest. they had been going on for some time now, but you hadn’t been able to place your finger on them until now.
when she recently had a fling with a girl from one of your shared classes, you knew that this feeling was a crush. a hardcore one at that, because anytime she made eye contact or even touched another girl, you were fuming about it in your journals.
you would write down things that weren’t blatant professions of love. (even though really didn’t even know they were at that point, you were just angry.)
november 16th,
she touched her hand. she TOUCHED HER HAND. why would she do that? ellie’s never even interacted with her before.. or i mean, maybe she has but like.. why would she touched her hand?? the hell??
ellie should only ever touch my hand i’m crazy. this is crazy. what is wrong with me. we’re literally best friends, nothing else? so why does it hurt so much to see her touch someone else??
november 27th,
she kissed her. i think i might actually vomit. i feel so sick to my stomach. i hate her i hate her i hate her. i don’t hate her, i love her so much. i want her to kiss me. i want her lips on mine, why can’t i have that? why can’t i even tell her that??
would she think i’m crazy?? maybe. i mean we’ve been best friends for so long, there’s literally no way she sees me as anything other than a friend. i’m insane. im literally clinically insane. im going to put my grippy socks on to knock some sense into myself before i go as far as yelling at her for no reason.
to say the least, your emotions were all over the place and living with her didn’t make it any better. in fact, it made it so much worse. you would catch yourself looking at her in ways that you never did before.
admiring her hands when she played guitar, her eyes when she watched a movie, and her lips when she spoke to you from across the sofa.
god, it was infuriating. she had such an affect on you that your heart had begun to jump into your throat when she got too close. when her hand would brush against yours as she brought something down from a taller shelf for you. you even caught yourself shivering as she pressed her palm to the small of your back as she moved behind you in the cramped kitchen.
and to make everything worse—because the two of you had been so close for so long, ellie had gotten relatively comfortable with holding you whenever there was a movie playing. she liked cuddling you actually. she found your warmth rather enjoyable; while you found the closeness suffocating in a way you couldn’t describe.
maybe because your heart was pounding so quickly that it was the only sound you could hear in your ears. and tonight was one of those nights. a movie was playing, a blizzard was coming through soon, and ellie’s arms were wrapped around your body snuggly. your back against her chest and her chin on your shoulder.
her eyes were clearly fixated on the movie that she didn’t even realize how tense you were or the hot flush on your cheeks. coughing, you excused yourself from her grasp and played it off as wanting to make hot chocolate—like the two of you did every night during winter.
it was tradition at this point, but when you let out a breath in the kitchen, you realized you were out.
you volunteered—like the sweetest angel you were—to run to the store around the corner. ellie had wanted to go in your place, given the snow that had begun to fall, but you brushed her off with a smile and told her it was okay.
in reality, you needed this walk to yourself. if you wanted to keep your feelings for ellie under wraps, you needed some space from her constant clinginess. sure, you enjoyed the attention and even craved it, but it was getting harder and harder by the day to keep your feelings secluded to your journals.
knowing better than to argue with you, she let out a huff and rolled her eyes. “you’re not going like that,” she said, pointing at your thin long sleeve. you glanced down, cheeks reddening. “wait here.” ellie smiled and walked off to her bedroom.
then, she emerged with a large coat that was obviously big for her and too big for you. when she wrapped it around your shoulders and helped your arms into the sleeves, she zipped it all the way up and adjusted the hood over your head. she then pulled out a scarf and wrapped it around your neck, tying it in a way that had you absolutely enveloped in her scent.
pine, cigarettes, and something along the lines of cheap vanilla. maybe the same body spray she had been using since high school. thankfully, your cheeks were hidden beneath the fabric of the scarf and you quickly backed away.
“thanks!” you squeaked, stepping out into the blistering cold air and shut the door behind you. ellie blinked slowly, as if she was unsure if she heard that high pitch in your voice correctly. but by the time she had come to the realization that she had, you were already gone. smiling to herself slowly, she shook her head.
while you were gone, she made herself busy with cleaning up your shared apartment. usually, you did most of the cleaning—because you enjoyed it, not because she made you do it. you found it therapeutic after a long day of work and school.
ellie didn’t hesitate to let you. the less she had to clean, the better. but she’d help out every now and then.
her footsteps puttered around the floorboards as she worked, and found herself tidying up your room. discarding of candy wrappers and picking up your clothes off the floor. which she admitted to creepily inhaling your scent because she very much liked the latest perfume you were obsessed with.
when she got your desk, her eyes landed on one of the journals you kept. it wasn’t closed like it always was. instead, it was laid open with a pen in the middle like you had been interrupted in the middle of writing. usually she didn’t eavesdrop. she always respected your privacy. she had since you were children.
she knew if you really needed to tell her something, you would, but her name on the page caught her attention. it was bright and bold in a different color ink: ellie.
her heart leapt into her throat. in that instant, she dropped what she was doing and picked up the tattered journal with her hands. her fingers brushed over the worn pages, seeing fresh doodles all over the margins.
then she read. she shouldn’t have, she knew that. but she did. she read your journal—your absolute personal property. where you spilled everything.
i miss her. she’s at that girls house tonight and everything suddenly feels so much colder and quieter. i know i always groan about how her arms around me make me feel suffocated and clammy, but i miss her so so much. ): i wish she was home. i want to text her. i want her arms around me.
i want her to kiss me. this is selfish. what if she really likes that girl? i’ve never seen ellie date anyone before. she always calls herself a loser and says she has no game (which is kinda true, lol she’s adorable) but i’ve always seen girls fawn over her without her noticing. i don’t like it. i hate it.
i shouldn’t hate it. we’re best friends. i can’t like her. not like this, its wrong. but i can’t help it.
i want ellie.
her heart thudded in her ears as she read. it didn’t just stop with that page. she flipped forward and backwards, the dates spanning months into the past.
she held my hand today when i was crying. she always does that, but it feels different now that i know how i feel. when im sad, i only want her. is that stupid? i want her to hug me and comfort me and kiss me and tell me everything will be okay.
i want to cry again. i am crying again. she’s right across the hall, why can’t i get the balls to go over there and ask her to hold me?? i hate this, i hate these feelings. they’re going to ruin everything good between us. i want them to go away. no, no i don’t. i really really really don’t. i just want her to notice them.
but i never say anything so how can she?? im so selfish for being mad when she looks at other girls and not me. why would i expect her to look at me lik that?? i’m so stupid.
another page flip. more words, more tear stains on the pages, more doodles of her face in a cartoonish manner in the margins. her heart was in her throat now, beating rapidly as a deep realization turned over in her stomach. the way you spoke about this crush on her made her chest ache.
you were so hard on yourself. you always had been, ellie knew that. you didn’t open up to anyone else. you were shy, but around her, you blossomed into this smiley talkative girl that she grew to love and adore so much. she should have see it.
your feelings should have been clear to her. it wasn’t like ellie hadn’t thought of you in that way before, but she was a stupid loser. she didn’t know how to look past her glasses long enough to see the feelings of the girl right beside her. because hell, who was she kidding? you were too good for her.
too sweet, too tentative, too soft, and kind. and she was.. weird and babbled nonstop about her interests even if nobody cared. you did, though. you always listened even when nobody else did.
ellie’s finger traced the pages. she didn’t know how long she was standing there reading where you poured your heart out, but she knew it was long enough to hear the door click and the sound of your voice.
you called out her name, and suddenly the way it rolled off your tongue had a different meaning. “ellie, i’m back! i got the hot chocolate!” you said, placing the canister on the counter and kicking off your shoes.
there was snow in your hair and on the coat she had lent you. ellie quickly tried to place the journal back how she found it and slipped from your room and into the hallway. she took a few deep breaths to steady herself before walking into the common area.
her eyes met your figure and immediately went to your face. the redness on your cheek and nose, and the way your lips looked chapped from the cold. her hands trembled, wanting to reach out. she could now that she knew how you felt, but if she let you know she knew, you’d realize she went through your journal.
would you hate her if you knew?
you didn’t have a hateful bone in your body, ellie knew that. she didn’t want to take advantage of it though. no, never. but her hands were on your cheeks now and she was peering down into your eyes. her geek hues reflected something very different when you looked up at her.
“geez, you’re freezing,” she whispered, squishing your face with her hands as if it would help warm you up quicker. “i shoulda gone instead. you’re too tiny to endure this cold weather.” her voice was gentle and soft, a complete contrast to the nonchalant demeanor she had before you left.
her arms wrapped around you, pulling you flush into her chest. “els,” you muttered, her grip almost crushing. she didn’t realize how tightly she was holding you. “are you trying to kill me? i got you hot chocolate that’s not fair.” the playfulness in your tone made her chest constrict painfully with newfound adoration.
she pulled back enough to look down at you and dust the snow from your hair. ellie beckoned you to the couch. she pulled off her jacket and wrapped a fuzzy blanket around your body. she was being rather.. tentative. it was odd because even though ellie did take care of you, she rarely did it to this extent. only when you were sick or she had made you mad.
well one, you weren’t sick.
and two, you didn’t think she had made you mad.
you furrowed your eyebrows as if to think back to earlier in the day while she scurried off to make you both cups of hot chocolate. when she returned, her cheeks were red this time. she avoided your gaze like you had the plague, but sat extremely close to you.
her fingers brushed yours as she handed you the cup, “you’re still cold,” she frowned, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and bringing you into her side. “try and warm up, alright?”
when she resumed the movie, she was no longer paying attention to it. her eyes would travel to your face every now and then, and you felt it. the way her gaze bore into the side of your face like lasers. it wasn’t uncomfortable, but it made you wonder if something had happened while you were gone.
she was being sweeter than usual. as if sensing you were on to her, ellie stiffened and sipped her hot chocolate, nearly burning her tongue off. the movie ended shortly after, and after every movie night, you would say goodnight and stalk off to your room begrudgingly.
you ached to spend more time with her, but this time, it looked like she was the one who didn’t want to be away from you. she followed you to your room and watched as you turned to shut the door, “don’t let the bed bugs bite.” she tried to say weakly, but her eyes shone something different.
once inside your room, you walked towards your desk and that’s when you noticed it. the pen you had laid in the middle of your notebook was on the floor. not where you had left it at all. the clothes that you discarded this morning weren’t on the floor, the wrappers you had from candy last night weren’t on your side table, and most importantly—the pen was on the floor.
your heart sank.
ellie’s door bursted open before she could even register that it had. her gaze lifted from from her computer and immediately met the hues she had been staring at for the past two hours. this time, they were frightened.
“did you read my journal?” you questioned, heart pounding. were you even mad? no. you were scared. was this tentativeness she had going on, pity? if so, you didn’t want it. not one bit.
ellie bit down on her bottom lip and the words spilled before she could stop them. “you’re a cry baby.” she tried to joke weakly. you didn’t budge, instead you stared at her with a quiet fear. she felt her chest grow hollow as she set her laptop to the side and stood from her bed.
“y/n, look, it was an accident—“
“don’t. don’t pity me.”
your words caught her off guard. they nearly sent her falling back. had her ears betrayed her? pity? is that what you thought her actions were earlier?
“pity?”
“yes!” you replied. she saw it then, the silver tears lining your eyes. her face softened even more at the sight. she felt awful for making you cry, but what she did earlier wasn’t out of pity.
it was out of finally realizing that what she had been craving for so long was right beside her this entire time and she had been too stupid to look. “angel,” she said softly, the same nickname she used when complimenting you or soothing you when you were sick.
“i’m not pitying you.” her words went in one ear and out the other. you sniffled, looking down at your feet suddenly.
a quiver escaped, “whatever you’re doing, i don’t want you to feel bad or whatever! i’m fine, you know?” you were speaking fast. too fast for ellie to get a word in edgewise. instead, she took steps towards you. you don’t seem to notice as you were too focused on the way you felt inside.
“like.. we’re best friends and i’m completely okay with that! you don’t have to like me back in that way, i wont break apart or anything just because i have a crush on you and you don’t like me back—“
“y/n,” she said your name firmly and this caught your attention. her hand met your skin before you could reach her eyes and she was guiding your attention back to her face. she smiled a little, rubbing her thumb over your skin. “stop talking.”
her voice was warm and soft. she wasn’t angry and she wasn’t rejecting you. so what was happening?
she tilted her head as her eyes roamed over your face. from the gentleness of your eyes to chapped lips. her hand cupped the side of your face and she drew you closer. she wrapped her other arm around your waist to make sure you couldn’t go anywhere now.
your heart was beating too quickly. you thought it might burst. what was happening? was this real? was she really touching you like this because she wanted to? because she.. felt the same way?
her lips parted as she breathed. “stop overthinking,” she whispered, “and just focus on me. listen to my words, and nothing else.” ellie’s fingers tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “not even those pretty thoughts, okay?”
your cheeks flushed deeper.
“i’m not pitying you,” she spoke slowly so that you could understand. so that you could take your time in hearing her out. “i’ve been looking past you and i’m sorry i didn’t see the way you felt sooner.” her chest tightened and she brought you closer.
her arms wrapped around you, hugging you tightly to her body. as if she could take away all of the pain and sadness you had suffered over the past few months because of her aloofness. “i’m sorry i made you cry baby,” her voice cracked. “but i’m here now. you won’t cry anymore.”
all you could do was listen. this was real and ellie was hugging you right now. telling you that she felt the same as you did. this was.. real.
your hands trembled as you grabbed onto her shirt, sniffling again. she sighed, dragging you with her to her bed. you had been on top of this mattress many times before, but this was different. now you were curled into her body with your face tucked into her neck.
her lips brushed against your ear as she whispered gently to you, “m’ here baby, it’s okay,” and her fingers gingerly scratched your scalp to keep you grounded. oh how you had craved this type of love and compassion from her for so long.
“i’m sorry i overlooked you.”
“it’s okay, els.”
“no, it’s not,” she pulled back to look down at your face. her hand cupped your cheeks, pinching your skin between her fingers just to see it redden. like she was checking to make sure you were real this time. “and i promise i’ll spend every day making it up to you.” she leaned in closer this time.
her nose prodded yours, eyes fluttering close. “i’ll make you feel like the most special girl alive if you’ll let me.”
her breath ran over your lips and you felt yourself slipping into the warmth that you had been so infatuated with. your cheeks flushed and you moved closer, tilting your head until her lips finally touched yours.
she kissed you softly.
she didn’t rush you and didn’t kiss you like she was hungry.
instead, she kissed you like she had been missing out on something so sweet.
and now that she finally had it, there was no way she was letting it go.
“gunna,” she pecked your lips once, “make you,” she pecked the again, “feel like,” and finally once more. “a princess.”
you giggled at her words, “ellie, quit!” you whined, feeling ticklish as she began to pepper your entire face with her kisses. now that she had you, she was going to worship every part of your skin.
her eyes met yours again, a mischievous gaze in her dark green eyes.
“you’ll be screaming the opposite in a minute.”
“ellie—!”
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