TF2 MERCS AND WHAT FLOWERS I THINK THEY WOULD GET YOU
Note: every picture here is from pinterest
Enjoy🩷
🩷💛🩵🩷💛🩵🩷 💛🩵🩷💛🩵🩷💛🩵🩷
Scout: Lego flowers
When he asked spy for some advice on what flowers to get you, the response was to get you something unique that would impress you.
So the most logical thing for Scout was to get you a Lego flower set since the flowers won't wither and you will have a nice decoration that will remind you of him.
Soldier: wild flowers
He saw some dried flowers on the side of the road that reminded him of you.
Gathered a handfull of those and came running to show them to you. Ain't that sweet?
Pyro: crocheted flowers
He spend 3 months learning how to crochet and make them.
Took multiple tries before they turned out perfect and you can tell he poured all his love in them.
Demoman: Generic bouquet
He is sweet and lovable, but in reality, I don't think he knows anything about romance.
Therefore, he will get you the first most basic premade flower bouquet that his eye landed on. Sorry...
Heavy: Something classy
He can be described as stupid by some and terrifying by others, but at heart he is a distinguished gentleman.
He will get you something simple, but delicate.
Engineer: Tea flowers
He is a man that priorities functionality over looks so he will get you a bouquet of different flowers like lavander, roses or chamomile that you can dry and use for tea.
Medic: Also clasic, but bigger
Just like Heavy, he is a gentleman and will get you something classy.
But since he is a very flamboyant guy, Medic will have to show off by getting you the biggest bouquet he could find.
Spy: Something fancy
This motherfucker is an expert in romance and expensive things and so he will go all in by getting you the biggest and most breathtaking flower bouquet you've only seen on Pinterest boards.
Sniper: Handpicked
Another sweety that will bring you a bouquet of handpicked flowers. But Sniper will also add some wild berries he found around because they looked tasty.
What is it like when the mercs wake up in the morning
gn reader pls!!!
ah, i see someone's read my falling asleep with the mercs headcanons!
Waking Up with the Mercs
Contains: fluff, extremely slight sexual content
Scout
Just before his alarm wakes him up he's splayed out on the bed, gangly limbs sticking out everywhere.
If he was cuddling you before, you're probably just curled up against him now.
Enjoy it while you can because once his alarm goes off he's out of bed. It's the first two words of chop suey for him. WAKE UP.
If you're not a morning person then good luck getting used to it. He'll let you sleep if that's what you want but this guy never slows down and once he's out of bed he's just off to the races.
The only exception is on the weekends because that means sleeping in and watching TV and reading comic books.
Soldier
Unless you are also as insane as him he's waking up long before you.
Solly's up at o-dark-thirty, immediately gets dressed, gets a workout aka training in, probably makes and chugs a big smoothie full of protein and vitamins and all. alongside his breakfast of plain toast with nothing on it
or, god forbid, chipped beef. also known as shit on a shingle. I feel like this dude unironically likes it.
Engie and Pyro could be making bacon and eggs for everyone and he'd still eat like he's in the military. Probably has actual MREs stocked up.
You do your thing, he'll see you when he sees you. He'll save you whatever's left in the blender. He actually makes a mean smoothie.
Pyro
Has a habit of sleeping in, but can you blame him? Comfy cozy bed full of blankets, and plushies, and you of course
She doesn't wanna leave! Enjoy the early morning snuggles!
But they're usually on breakfast duty. Eventually Engie will show up to get them.
Pyro is one of the better cooks of the bunch, and also the one in charge of making happy face pancakes for everyone! Can't forget the presentation of the dish!
Those pancakes aren't gonna win hell's kitchen or anything anytime soon but they're happy to see you. A nice little pick me up if you've had a rough night.
Demoman
He's probably hungover, so he's not in a very good mood. That or he sobered up sometime yesterday and the withdrawal just hit.
Whatever the reason, he's gonna stay in bed for a bit. You're welcome to cuddle, but don't speak, don't turn the light on, don't have the blinds open, and don't stop him from sprinting to the bathroom if he has to puke.
And wake him when there's food.
He'll probably want a big breakfast, or his comfort food, shortbread cookies.
He's pretty much never at his best. Least you can do is try not to make it worse.
Heavy
Gets up on time, makes himself a coffee, and reads the newspaper.
Tries his best not to wake you up if you're still asleep.
If you're trying to wake up at a reasonable hour he can help you stick to that. Even if he has to pick you up and set you down at the breakfast table or in the bathroom himself.
If you think you're too heavy for Heavy to lift you are wrong. Yes, even you.
So you're in the shower trying not to fall asleep standing up but hey the hard part's over!
Engineer
Another early bird, but he's gotta make breakfast, so that's why.
He makes sure you don't miss out on that. He'll get you up when the food's ready and on special occasions he'll even bring you breakfast in bed.
Makes really good breakfast tacos. He likes to put the really good salsa verde from Chuy's on his instead of normal hot sauce
Of course, you might not see him until breakfast is ready if he decided to pull an all-nighter in his workshop
Which means you might have to make him go to bed at some point.
Medic
Also has a habit of pulling all-nighters, so expect to wake up to him joining you for a cuddle.
After he's fed the birds, of course.
Thinks you're just the cutest thing ever when you're sleepy. Even if you look like an absolute trainwreck.
Tends to enable your bad sleeping habits, if you have any. He just loves spending time with you so go ahead, sleep in!
He might need sleep even more than you, depending how the night went. Even if you're getting out of bed he will attempt to lure you back with cuddles.
Sniper
Wakes up disoriented and very much looking like an absolute trainwreck.
He'll look over at you and just the sight of you puts him in a better mood.
Grabs a jar as soon as possible you know it's piss time for that man.
Will skip breakfast if you don't hold him to it. He doesn't take the best care of himself but he'll trudge all the way to the kitchen for you, with you.
But first, coffee. Likes it black as night and hot as the outback on a hot summer day.
Spy
He'll ask you how you slept and how you're feeling after last night. (wink)
You're both probably long overdue for a shower. You're welcome to join him, but as the host he'll let you have it first if you'd rather shower alone.
Most complicated morning routine of the bunch. Shower, shave, skincare, suit.
The mask is off during this time, so even if you're not fooling around, it's still an intimate occasion.
He secretly really loves Engie and Pyro's cooking, just let him have his coffee and cigarette with it and don't tell anyone he's smiling back at Pyro's pancakes.
may i rq a scenario with any of the mercs where they find reader injured when respawn's down. maybe bc of an accident or an ambush. i like angst as long as its ok in the end
HOLY SAXTON HALE ANON THIS ONE GOT AWAY FROM ME!
This isn't explicitly romantic, but you could definitely interpret it as being romantic if you want! You're def the team's fave <3
Anyways, enjoy about 8400 words of hurt/comfort goodness and the Blu team being pathetic lil meow meow when they think you're dead dead.
Mercs x GN!Reader | Respawn Malfunction
ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ Hurt/Comfort | SFW | Cw: starvation, temp character death, excess drinking, animal death ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ
Featuring:
Everyone! Even Miss Pauling is here!
Scenario: During the last few moments of a match, Blu team's Respawn Machine suddenly malfunctions, with you inside! Left reeling by the loss of their Chemist, the team attempts to cope. A week later, Miss Pauling receives a most unexpected phone call...
There had been no warning.
If there had been, then the sharp eyes of RED and BLU’s Engineers would have certainly caught it. Unfortunately, the Respawn Machine had been just as reliable as ever for the entire match, bringing the mercenaries back from the great beyond time and time again, just as it had been designed to do.
Scout and Soldier had just been revived when it happened; the two men taking a moment to shake off the inevitable rush of nausea that came from going through the unholy machine. An Ubercharged Heavy had taken both them and their teammate, Y/N, known officially as the Chemist, out as the hulking giant made a final push to capture one of their points, and both BLU men knew it was only a matter of time before they heard the biting voice of the Administrator informing them of their failure.
Scout scuffed his sneaker against the concrete floor of the Respawn Room as Soldier launched into a furious rant, leaning against the wall as he waited for Y/N to come through, knowing that they'd been killed only a moment after him. He sighed when felt the gentle pulse of the machine as it vibrated like a speaker, getting ready to return his friend to the world of the living.
SKREEEEEECHHHH- BOOM!
A blast of hot air sent the two men crashing into the wall, stunning them momentarily. It was Soldier who regained his wits first, the BLU quickly pushing up his helmet and looking back at the source of the damage in shock and mounting horror.
“Aeughhhh… what da hell just happened?” Scout moaned, one of his hands rubbing against his throbbing forehead. He blinked, his blurred vision slowly clearing, and as he regained his sight, his eyes began to widen.
Respawn was on fire.
Flames licked hungrily at the walls as they spread out further from the Respawn Machine, with the contraption itself bathed in white and blue hues, the intense heat making quick work of what hadn't been destroyed in the explosion. Shards of complex metals and pools of gleaming Australium were littered all over the room, reflecting the light of the fire.
“HOLY CRAP!” Scout yelped, adrenaline coursing through his body as he attempted to scramble up off the floor.
His voice jolted Soldier out of his shocked state, and he shot a hand out to grab the back of Scout's shirt and yank him along as he made for the door.
“Emergency! Cease fighting immediately!” The Administrator's voice boomed out over the battlefield, the old woman's voice sounding more shocked than stern for once.
Scout finally found his footing as he pulled out of Soldier's grip, spinning around to stare at the encroaching flames. Fear roiled in his gut like an angry serpent as his disoriented mind finally allowed the reality of their situation to sink in. Respawn was gone.
Death was permanent once again.
“Private, this is no time to be standing around! We need to go!”
They could die. For real.
“Scout!”
If they'd come through only a moment earlier, they wouldn't have come back at all.
Wait…
“Solly, where's Chem?”
Soldier paused in his attempt to drag Scout down the hall, his gaze snapping back towards Respawn. He hadn't seen them when he'd grabbed Scout, too focused on getting away from the rapidly approaching fire, but he'd assumed that they were right behind him.
“They probably snuck past us! They're sneaky like that.” he replied. That had to be it! Otherwise that would mean they…
Scout looked down the hall, searching for any sign of the Chemist, before looking back towards Respawn, his face paling. He jerked forward, sprinting towards the blaze.
“Chem! Chem, hang on!” Scout yelled, reaching the doorway in only a few seconds, his eyes desperately searching for where his friend could possibly be.
The room was as empty as it had seemed before. There was no trace of the Chemist, alive or dead, to be found in the room.
They hadn't made it through.
“What in the Sam Hill is goin’ on here?!”
Scout wrenched himself away from the door as he heard his teammates gasp behind him. Engineer was up by his side in an instant, his mechanical hand gripping the doorframe so hard it cracked the material. He pushed his goggles up, and Scout could see real fear in the other's eyes.
“Vhat zhe hell happened? Zhe Respavn Machine vas fine only moments ago vhen I came through!” Medic said, pausing as he looked at Scout, who was trembling. Gently, the doctor led the young man away from the fire, “Scout? Are you alright? Vere you injured?”
“Chem’s gone.” was Scout's quiet reply.
“Vhat?”
“They was suppose’ta come through after me ‘n Solly, but Respawn went up in flames before they could come through.” the runner's voice was shaky and hollow, and he leaned more of his weight against Medic as his legs started to feel less dependable than usual, “They're gone. Like, gone gone.”
The gathered mercenaries went quiet, the only sounds being that of the crackling flames and Scout and Soldier's laboured breathing.
“DAMN IT!” Engineer bellowed, throwing his hard hat onto the ground, “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!”
Medic closed his eyes, bringing a gloved hand up to his face as a wave of grief crashed down on him. He'd been rather fond of their newest teammate, glad to have someone around who was as interested in risky experiments as he was. The Chemist had often taken up many of the smaller, more neglected duties around the base, such as cooking proper meals and making sure that Medic's less used medical supplies stayed topped up, in case of emergencies. They'd also been of great help in wrangling some of his more… problematic patients, using their charms (or stealth) to herd them into the Medbay for check ups or shots.
He watched them die every day, but this was different. This was permanent. The machine he and Engineer had worked so hard to build, the one that had allowed them to cheat death time and time again, had finally taken its pound of flesh. Y/N had been taken from them, from him, before he'd been ready to let them go.
Now, this usually wouldn't have been a problem; committing sins against both God and nature was something he did quite often and with great delight, and he was sure he could wrest Y/N back from the afterlife, provided that he had access to their body.
And therein lay the problem. There was no body. Respawn hadn't even spat them out half formed or thrown them into the flames, it had simply not reconstructed them. Whatever remained of the Chemist was likely nothing more than a partially formed mist of human remains that had burned up almost instantaneously.
The tenth class was no more, and there was nothing Medic could do.
“Aw, hell,” Engineer gritted out finally, looking back at his teammates with a tired, beatdown expression, “Christ, someone go ‘n track down a fire extinguisher. If we don't get this under control soon, we'll all end up dead.”
Seeing an opportunity to both flee the horrific scene and be useful, Scout ran off like a bat out of Hell, skidding around a corner and disappearing from sight. Soldier, who was being uncharacteristically quiet and still, made to follow him, but Engineer stopped him before he could take more than a few steps.
“Hold on, pardner. I need you to round everyone up and let ‘em know what- what happened.” the southerner swallowed hard, trying his best to push down his emotions for the time being, “The last thing we need right now is to lose someone else because someone did somthin’ stupid and got themselves killed.”
Soldier thought of how often Demo tested his equipment after their daily battles, especially after a loss, and stopped only long enough to give Engineer a salute before rushing off, determined not to lose any more teammates.
“Gott, vhat a mess.” Medic whispered hoarsely, mentally preparing himself for the utter shit show that was inevitably coming their way. The Chemist had been a friend to all of them, even to Spy, who pretended that he didn't care, and losing them was going to be hard on everyone.
Personal loss wasn't something the mercenaries were used to, lulled into a sense of security, of immortality, by the Respawn Machine. After all, why be afraid of death when you knew that you would be back in what felt like only an instant? None of them ever considered that Respawn might fail one day.
“C’mon, Doc. We can't stay here.” Engineer said, leading his co-worker-turned-friend away from the fire.
“Ack!”
You yelped as you tumbled face first out of Respawn, hitting the floor hard and fast. You hissed in pain, pushing yourself up and rubbing a hand over your aching face. Instinctively, you check over the various vials of chemicals you have strapped to your person, praying that your odd tumble hasn't resulted in anything breaking.
A sigh of relief passes your lips as you determine nothing to be out of place or wrecked. You pulled yourself to your feet, stretching and cracking your knuckles. Christ, the RED Heavy must have gotten you good that time, because you felt just awful. Exhaustion made you slouch slightly, and your stomach ached something fierce.
After bracing yourself for the inevitable screech of the Administrator's voice telling you that you had failed, you allowed your eyes to fall open, expecting to see Scout and Soldier's sour faces.
An unfamiliar room greeted you, wooden planks replacing the expected concrete. Dust lingered around the space, and your only company was a chittering raccoon, which startled and ran off upon seeing you.
What the fuck was going on?
“Hell-o?” you called, confusing coloring your tone, “Scout? Soldier? Anyone?”
Silence greeted you. Not even the sound of gunfire and shouting could be heard, only the sound of a fierce wind blowing outside.
Thoroughly confused and more than a little creeped out, you stepped out of Respawn, head constantly swiveling about as you called for your teammates. However, no matter how much you yelled, no one ever responded. No matter how much you searched, you couldn't find anyone. No matter how much you listened, not a soul could be heard.
“What the fuck. What the fuck.” you chanted, rubbing your arms. It was so cold here, and your outfit was designed for the New Mexico heat.
Your breaths came in steamy puffs, and you could feel goosebumps prickling along your arms as you made your way towards what you hoped was the Intel Room. Whatever it was that was going on, you were too tired and too sore to try and puzzle it out. If this was some kind of elaborate prank, you were going to kill whoever was responsible, because the last thing you wanted to deal with after such a rough day was this creepy bullshit.
Finally, after a solid hour of getting lost within this bizarre, wintery base, you managed to find the Intel Room. A phone, blue in colour, sat mounted on the wall only a few feet away. Wasting no time, you dialed the number Miss Pauling had given you to use if there was ever an emergency, or if Engineer and Medic started spending too much time together again. (The last time they'd gone unchecked for too long, the base had become overrun by something they called Spycrabs. It took weeks for you and your team to get rid of them, though you were fairly certain both Spy and Pyro had managed to hide one to keep as a pet.)
“Aperture Bakery, where the cake definitely isn't a lie! This is Tammy speaking, how can I help you?” an obviously fake cheery voice greeted you after only two rings, and you smiled slightly.
“Jesus, Pauling, I think that's your worst ‘wrong number’ persona yet.” you groused, no real venom in your voice.
“...Y/N?” Miss Pauling’s voice suddenly became very soft and disbelieving, something you'd never heard it do.
You frowned, your brow furrowing. “Yeah, that's me, last I checked. I thought you were supposed to call me Chemist, though?”
“Holy shit, you're alive?!” she shouted, the volume causing you to pull back slightly, “How are you alive?!”
“Uhhhhh,” you stammered, completely at a loss as to how you were supposed to respond, “I… I breathe? And eat? And sleep? Jeez, Pauling, I don't know what you want from me here.”
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, one that lasted so long, you began to worry Miss Pauling had hung up on you.
“Hello?” you tried.
“Oh! Shoot, sorry, I'm still here! I just-” there was a sound like papers being moved, “Chemist, what is the last thing you remember?”
“Losing the point and getting shot to pieces, why?” Was this a test? Had you already failed somehow?
“Right, yeah, okay that makes sense.” Miss Pauling took a deep breath, and you shifted uncomfortably, sensing that something was wrong.
“Chemist, Y/N, you've been declared dead for just over a week now.”
The phone slipped from your grasp, and it was only years worth of training and quick reflexes that kept it from smashing into the wall. You gripped the phone right, pressing it tightly into your ear as you spoke. “I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right, Miss Pauling. Would you mind repeating that?”
“You were dead, Chemist. Something happened to BLU’s Respawn Machine, and it was completely destroyed before you could come back. I- I don't know how or why it took so long for you to come back this time, but I'm so glad you did.”
You all but collapsed onto the wall, your free hand tangling itself in your hair. You'd died? Like, died for real? The thought made your stomach turn, and you had to suppress the urge to vomit.
“Pauling, Christ, I-” you swallowed, breathing in through your nose, “Is everyone else okay? Oh God, please tell me no one else… died.”
“No, no, no! Everyone's- well they're not fine, but they're all alive. The Administrator called for an emergency ceasefire the minute she saw what happened, and both teams got the message pretty quickly that something was wrong. The ceasefire is still in effect, since everyone needs to be relocated to one of the other base locations.” Miss Pauling replied.
You audibly sighed in relief, tension leaving your body as you uttered a soft ‘Oh, thank God.’ “I think that's where I ended up. One of the other bases, I mean. It's fucking freezing here, Pauly.”
“Shit, you're that far out?” Miss Pauling sucked in a breath through her teeth, “Okay, just- just stay put, alright? There's not going to be any supplies there, so just fine somewhere warm and try not to move too much. I'm going to come get you, okay?”
“Okay.” you replied, smiling slightly as you heard her immediately begin to gather various items on her desk, “Thank you, Miss Pauling. I know you're busy.”
“I'm never too busy for my mercenaries, especially when they manage to defy all logic and cheat death more than they usually do.” a warm, fuzzy feeling settled in your chest at her words, and it remained even after you hung up. There was something so viscerally pleasing about being wanted, about having someone care for you.
Worn out from your return to the living world, you peeled yourself away from the wall and wandered around the base a bit, before locating what had to be the common room. A couch and a few chairs were tucked in around an unlit fireplace. There wasn't anything around to burn, and you didn't feel up to going out to find something suitable, so you chose instead to simply curl up on the couch. Once you laid down, it was as if all of your strength left your body. The aches and pains that plagued you became more apparent, and your stomach growled and gurgled loudly. You were starving, but as Miss Pauling had said, there was no food at the base, and you certainly weren't going to be able to hunt any animals that might be scuttling around.
Resigning yourself to a fitful sleep and an empty stomach, you closed your eyes and pressed yourself in closer to the back of the couch, slowly drifting off into a light slumber.
The BLU base had never been so quiet. It was not a calm quiet, like one might find if they walked into a library, or in a room full of people simply enjoying each other's company while they entertained themselves, but rather a tense, unnatural quiet. A mercenary base with nine men living in it should have been full of noise and movement, but each member of the BLU team seemed more than happy to break away from the norm today.
Engineer was holed up in his workshop, pouring over blueprints, both new and old, determined to find some flaw, some imperfection, some failure, that could give him an answer as to why the Respawn Machine had gone up in flames. He needed to find the problem so that he could fix it. He couldn't leave things as they were; everyone, even the RED team, once they'd found out what had happened, felt unsafe going through any of the Respawn Machines, since no one knew what exactly had gone wrong.
Medic was working himself to exhaustion right alongside him, while also fretting over packing up his birds and equipment on such short notice. They weren't due to rotate out to another base for another month, but the accident had pushed the timeline up to a few days. What's more is that he needed to review the applications for a new Chemist, though he'd been putting that particular task off for as long as possible. He'd never once needed to replace a teammate, nor had he ever expected to. The process of both finding someone who was Respawn compatible and willing to fight and die everyday was an arduous one indeed, and Medic could feel a stress induced migraine begin to come on whenever he even glanced at the paperwork.
Heavy had been trying his best to help Medic prepare for the move, but he, like everyone else, was feeling the effects of their friend's sudden death. He kept expecting to hear their voice coming from the kitchen, or to see them waltz through a door with some manner of bubbling condition held in their arms. Often, he caught himself setting out the supplies for two sandviches, only realizing his mistake when he had plated the food.
Pyro had firmly planted themselves in the Chemist's room, taking special, delicate care to pack up their things into neat little boxes. When Medic had gently floated the idea of reusing their supplies for the next Chemist, Pyro had chased the doctor around the base with their fire axe. There were drawings of the two of them taped carefully to the wall, gifted to the Chemist by the resident firebug, and Pyro left them for last, wanting to keep pretending that they were simply packing up to move like the rest of them. When they'd nearly finished, Pyro noticed that the Chemist's uniforms, which had been folded up on their friend's bed, had mysteriously disappeared. They'd panicked for a moment, before the faint smell of cigarette smoke filtered through their mask.
Sure enough, the clothes were returned the following morning, freshly washed, dried, and without any wrinkles. Any and all holes or rips had been carefully hand stitched with expert precision. There was also a single rose lovingly tucked into one of the pockets on the outfit the Chemist wore most frequently.
Demo could often be found in the company of Soldier, sitting out on some roof or bridge, nursing his tenth or so bottle. Soldier didn't drink nearly as much, but when he inevitably did get drunk, only he and Demo knew about the few tears that would slip down his cheek. Neither acknowledged it, nor the sinking fear of having to inevitably go through Respawn again that sat like lead bullets in their guts.
Scout ran to ignore that same sense of fear and loss, to push it down into the deepest parts of himself. He ran from sunrise to sunset, pausing only when he absolutely needed to. Sometimes, when he would stop, panting and sweating and one small breeze away from toppling over, if he was in just the right spot at just the right time, he'd catch a glimpse of Sniper, tucked away on some far off cliffside or peering down from a tall, rickety building. The marksman hadn't been seen in the base proper since the accident, but he was always around somewhere, watching day and night to ensure nothing happened to his remaining teammates during the ceasefire.
So it was no wonder that it was him who first spotted a frantic looking Miss Pauling as she parked her scooter and dashed off towards one of the base entrances.
Curious, Sniper pushed himself up out of his hiding place, ignored the burning sensation that rippled through his taunt, stiff muscles, and started to make his way down to the base. He didn't make any attempt to soften his footsteps, but he also didn't call any attention to himself. The dark haired woman had been heading for Engineer's workshop, so that's where Sniper went.
Just before he could reach the door that led to the workshop, he collided with someone coming down the hall. He let out a quiet ‘oof’ and stumbled back, baring his teeth instinctively when he saw an expensive suit and steely blue eyes. He calmed, however, when he saw that this Spy was dressed in his team's colours
“Bushman.” came Spy's snide greeting. The Frenchman eyed Sniper up and down, “You look like shit.”
“I could say the same for you, mate.” Sniper sneered back, and he really could have.
There were heavy bags around Spy's eyes, and he smelled as though he'd been absolutely chewing through his expensive, imported cigarettes. Clearly, the man had been coping just as well as Sniper had.
“I'm shocked to see zhat you are no longer wallowing in your mobile hovel, or rolling around in zhe dirt, or whatever it is that you've been doing zhese days.” Spy raised a brow, “What has brought you back to zhis cheap imitation of civilization?”
Now, normally, this would be the point in their conversation where Sniper would tell Spy to not-so-kindly fuck off, but the Australian was running on coffee and will, and Spy was good at getting information. If Miss Pauling’s sudden appearance was supposed to be a secret, then Spy would be Sniper’s first choice for a partner in crime.
“Miss Pauling just showed up lookin’ real frazzled, and I want to know why. I didn't get any alerts or messages, did you?” Sniper asked.
Spy pursed his lips. “Non, I did not.”
Both men's gazes flicked towards the workshop door, and before either could contemplate if this was a good idea or not, Spy had cloaked and Sniper was pushing the door open slowly. A conversation came into earshot as the door opened silently.
“Engie! Thank God you're here!”
“Miss Pauling? What are you doin’ here?”
“There's no time, I need to borrow your truck!”
“Whu- mah truck? What for?”
“Listen, I need to get up North. Fast. And my scooter isn't going to cut it for this trip. Also, I think I might need that emergency dispenser you guys built a while back.”
Sniper's eyebrows shot up towards his hairline. Miss Pauling did many things to people, but healing them wasn't something he'd ever heard of her doing.
“Well, now, see that there dispenser is still a prototype. It ain't ready for fieldwork yet- HEY!”
“Sorry Engie! Look, I promise I will bring the truck and the dispenser back, but I really need to get going! If this works, I'll bring back something that will make up for all of this.”
“And just what the hell would that be?!”
“Your Chemist!”
Sniper jolted, his body moving faster than his mind, which was still struggling to understand what he'd just heard. He gripped the guardrails that overlooked the lower floor, arriving just in time to see Miss Pauling putting the pedal to the metal and hauling ass out of the workshop in Engineer's truck. Engineer himself was standing stock still on the workshop floor, hand still raised mid gesture.
A set of hands suddenly grabbed Sniper by the shoulders and spun him around. Spy was staring at him, eyes alight in a way Sniper hadn't seen in a long time.
“Bushman, you can fit at least four people in your disgusting van, yes?” the man asked, squeezing harder when Sniper's mouth failed to make words come out, “Well?!”
“Eh- ur- yeah mate, that's right.” Sniper nodded finally, still reeling from the idea that Chemist might still be alive, “What's it to ya, Spook?”
“Gather up Soldier, Heavy, and Demo. I will take Medic, Scout, Pyro and Engineer in my car. We need to get going immediately if we want any chance of catching up to Miss Pauling!” he exclaimed.
Sniper's eyes widened as he understood what Spy was saying. The Frenchman wanted to follow Miss Pauling, to see their supposedly not dead teammate for himself, and he knew the rest of them well enough to know that if they didn't take them along, then the others would find their own way to them. That, or they'd simply destroy the base if left alone for too long, and Sniper was willing to bet that Spy didn't want to risk Pyro or Soldier destroying his precious suit collection.
‘Still,’ Sniper mused, ‘It’s nice to see that Spook cares about our feelings, even if it is mostly for ‘is benefit.’
“Right, I'll go round up the boys. You focus on snapp’n Engie outta his stupor, yeah?” Sniper agreed.
Spy nodded, and the two separated, with Sniper wasting no time in flying back down the hall. Obsessively stalking- er, observing everyone over the course of the week had granted him a decent understanding of where they chose to spend their time while in mourning.
Heavy and Medic were up first, and Sniper knew exactly where they'd be. With a swift kick, he burst into the Medbay, startling both the pair and all of the birds.
“Augh! Herr Sniper, vhat do you think you're doing, barging in here like-” Medic started, but Sniper cut him off.
“Can it, Doc! Pauling was just ‘ere, and she says Y/N is alive!” Sniper exclaimed. The other two men's eyes widened, and Medic almost dropped the glass beaker he was holding. “She sped off a moment ago, and we're gonna follow ‘er. Spy's taking you, Scooter, Engie and Py in ‘is car, while I'm takin’ the rest.”
The dynamic duo shook off their shock and nodded.
“Heavy will grab Soldier and Demolitions. Leetle Sniper will find Pyro in their room.” Heavy paused, then fixed Sniper with a stern look. “Be very careful how you tell news. Fire starter has… not been taking loss well. May attack, if they think you are playing joke.”
Sniper gulped quietly. “Think we should hold off on tellin’ them why we're really leaving?”
Medic shook his head quickly. “Nien. Zhough it is not alvays apparent, Pyro is quite intelligent. Lying to zhem about zhis will not end well for any of us.”
The marksman winced, remembering the feeling of fire blasting across his skin. “Too right. Okay, I'll handle Pyro, and Heavy’s gettin’ the drunk bastards. Hopefully they can sober up a bit, because I do not want those two sicking up in my van.”
Suddenly, a thought came to him.
“Oh, and bring yer Medigun. Miss Pauling mentioned something about need’n the emergency dispenser, but Engie didn't seem too confident that it would work.”
Medic's face crumpled up in distress. “And he shouldn't be! Zhat machine is just as likely to kill both zhe Chemist and Frauline Pauling as it is to heal zhem.”
“Shit.” Sniper swore, “We better be quick, then.”
The three men scattered, each one going in a different direction. Sniper hauled ass towards the barracks, eyes flicking to the different class symbols that marked each of the doors. He had only ever been here once, but picking out the little blue and yellow picture of a bubbling vial was easy enough.
He skidded to a stop before the door, taking a second to rap his knuckles against the wood before pushing the door open.
Pyro was where Heavy had said they would be, sitting on their friend's neatly made bed, their stuffed Balloonicorn clasped tightly in their grip as they rocked slightly. Pyro tilted their head at Sniper, communicating their confusion at the man's sudden appearance.
“C’mon, matchstick. We gotta get going right quick now.” Sniper panted, motioning for Pyro to follow, “Miss Pauling was just here, and she seems pretty damn convinced that our Chemist isn't as dead as we all thought.”
Pyro stilled on the bed, their masked face staring right into Sniper's soul. The Australian licked his chapped lips, feeling a sense of unease creep across the nape of his neck. After a moment of relative silence, Pyro seemed to find no deception in his words, and quickly leapt up, pausing only to grab their axe and holster it on their back.
“Huddah huddah huddah!” They yelled, voice muffled by the mask. A thick rubber glove suddenly gripped Sniper's vest, and the marksman found himself getting dragged along towards an exit.
Barely able to keep up with Pyro’s quick stride, Sniper stumbled a bit, all but crashing into the firebug when the large door before them slid open.
“Let's go, let's go, let's go!” Scout's voice carried across the desert base as the young man practically flew towards the workshop, clearly having been told the news, “Py, Snipes, let's friggin hustle! We got places to be, ya bunch a slowasses!”
“Piss off, ya bloody roadrunner! We're goin’ as fast as we can!” Sniper shot back, no real venom in his voice. He knew that Scout had been hit hard by the loss of their teammate, especially since he and Soldier had been the last ones to see them. The kid was more sensitive then the rest of them, especially when it came to someone he cared about dying
Scout slowed ever so slightly, just enough to grab ahold of Pyro's hand. The runner and the arsonist took off together to where Spy was waiting, and Sniper deviated off towards his van.
Heavy was already waiting for him when he arrived, the hulking giant holding both Soldier and Demo over his shoulders. The two had clearly had more to drink than usual, because neither of them were conscious. Sniper contemplated waking them for a moment; this was important after all, and he knew neither man would want to be left out of the loop.
And then he considered how completely insufferable the duo would be if they were awake, and he simply nodded towards the back of the van as he moved to sit in the driver's seat.
Heavy joined him a few moments later, and they were off, speeding down a dusty New Mexico road. Spy's expensive, gleaming vehicle was tearing down the same road as them, the light of the gradually setting sun bouncing off the well maintained blue paint job. He'd told Sniper the name once, while also threatening to gut the marksman if he so much as stepped near the vehicle, but Sniper couldn't be bothered to memorize it.
Sniper had thought that Spy wouldn't ever dare go as fast as he was now, what with all the potholes and tumbleweeds around that could potentially damage the Frenchman's precious ride, but perhaps he'd underestimated how much losing the Chemist had weighed on their most elusive teammate. Spy, for all his aloofness, did occasionally let slip the fact that he actually liked his teammates. Sometimes. Rarely. And usually in some strange, hard to interpret way.
He saw Scout's head pop out of one of the backseat windows, and the lad raised a hand to shield his eyes, like he was trying to see something in the distance. He must have spotted something other than desert, because he pointed towards an upcoming side road before popping back inside.
Sure enough, the car skidded around the corner, and Sniper followed, squinting his own eyes in an attempt to see what Scout had been pointing at.
Tire tracks marred the road, ones that hadn't been caused by Spy's quick turn, but that were also very recent. Sniper grinned and pressed harder on the gas, accelerating until he was only a few feet behind the other vehicle.
He'd never had a target escape before, and Miss Pauling wasn't about to make him break that streak.
Cold.
You were so cold.
You'd awoken to the sound of your teeth chattering, the sound only made worse when another wave of ripples inevitably wracked your prone form. Each breath came as a gasping wheeze, catching on the film of phlegm that had made a home in your throat and chest. Your stomach felt almost alive in your guts, spitting acid on your sensitive middle as it growled and snarled and roared for food that you couldn't give it.
You tried to get up, but your body began to shake and wobble dangerously as you began putting pressure on your forearm. Apparently, all your energy had been diverted to shivering in a, perhaps futile, attempt to keep your internal organs from freezing over. Breathing out a puff of warm air, you slid your hands over your chest and stomach, eyes widening as you realized that something was deeply, deeply wrong.
Gone was your well earned muscles and insulating body fat. You felt dangerously thin, like a starved greyhound. Whatever dark magic and science pulled you back from death had seemingly lost most of your fat and muscle reserves in the process. Truly, it was a miracle that you'd been able to walk at all!
You were in a bad spot, and you weren't sure Respawn would be able to save you again, should the worst happen. After all, no merc had ever starved to death before, and you had no idea what would happen if you did.
‘That’s not going to happen.’ You tried to reassure yourself, ‘Pauling will come to get me.’
How long had you been asleep? It hadn't felt like long, but there were no windows in this common room, and it wasn't as though you could rely on your stomach to tell you that a great deal of time had passed.
With little else to do, you lay your head back down on the cold couch cushions, attempting to curl up closer to the plush, velvety fabric. You tucked your arms into your armpits and folded your knees up close to your chest as you shivered once again. You'd lost feeling in your toes and fingers, but you could still, with great difficulty, wiggle them, which you counted as a win. Your eyes slipped shut as you turned your face down towards your chest, nose buried in the fabric of your uniform in a desperate attempt to seek out any scrap of warmth.
Sleep came easy enough, but it was far from a peaceful rest. Nightmares of endless darkness and being reborn wrong plagued your mind. You woke frequently, but exhaustion dragged you back into unconsciousness just as quickly. Each time you awoke, you were reminded of just how hungry you were, and the urge to gnaw at your own dangerously thin arms grew in intensity. Thirst plagued you as well, and each time your failing mind allowed it, you licked desperately at the inside of your mouth, trying to acquire some moisture for your sandpaper-esque throat.
On your next return to the waking world, as you stared out towards the door that led to the hallway, contemplating drinking one of your fatal mixtures, if only to end your suffering and quicken your return to Respawn, a sound echoed out into the lonely building. You lifted your head, blearily squinting towards the door. Had that been real? Or simply an illusion, a trick crafted by your starved brain?
“Chem? Chem, can you hear me?!”
Miss Pauling.
She did come for you!
You grinned, the action pulling at your chapped lips. You tried to call out, but all you managed was a slight cough. Huffing, you flopped your head back down, eyes locked on the door. You knew that she knew where the phone was in this place; there was no way someone like Miss Pauling didn’t know the ins and outs of every place her mercs set up shop in, so it was only a matter of time before she found you.
Sure enough, after a few minutes passed you began to hear footsteps pounding down the hall. It wasn’t the heavy, familiar footfalls of your team, but rather a lighter, quieter sound. A blurry purple figure entered your field of vision, and after your eyes finally focused, you saw a disheveled, red-cheeked Miss Pauling standing before you.
“Hey there, stranger.” You rasped, wincing slightly when you felt hands suddenly cup your cheeks. Pauling’s hands were warm and slightly calloused, and you blinked slowly, leaning into her touch.
“Jesus Christ, Chem. You never do anything by halves, huh?” Pauling laughed, though the noise came out more like a sob.
“Can't. I wouldn't be a very good Chemist if I did, right?” You joked softly, your eyelids drooping slowly as you began to relax, “Things’d be spillin’ all over the place.”
“Woah, hey!” A series of quick, rapid taps against your cheeks made you open your eyes again, “Stay awake, okay? You're in rough shape, but I brought- well, stole but that's really not important- Engie's truck and his little mini dispenser thing-”
“You stole Engie’s truck?” You interrupted, voice tinged with a sense of horrified awe, “He's gonna kill you.”
The raven haired woman gave you a half smile as she reached an arm under you, pulling you up to your feet to stand beside her. Your vision swam, and you had to lean heavily into her.
“I think bringing you back will soften him up a bit.” She said, looping your arm around her shoulders, “Come on, let's get you to the truck. You look like you're about to pass out.”
“I might.” You admitted. “Got anything to eat? I'm starving.”
Miss Pauling glanced over your emaciated form. “That… actually might be the case. When Respawn brings someone back, it usually leaves them feeling a little bit drained, and it's why you're all so hungry at the end of a battle. Respawning takes energy, and I'd say this last trip took almost all of yours. It ate right through your fat and muscle reserves!”
“Ah,” You replied, “I was afraid that might be the case. What happens if I Respawn again?”
“It's… it's probably best if we don't test that out.”
The two of you walked through the base in silence after that, with you leaning heavily on Miss Pauling for support. She didn't seem to mind, however; though you often caught her casting worried glances at you. You felt the temperature in the air steadily drop as you reached the entrance to the base, yet you were still caught off guard when a chilly blast of wintry air smacked you in the face. Snow swirled all around you, coating the base and battlefield in white. The first rays of an early morning sunrise were just starting to peak over the horizon, giving you enough light to see by.
In the distance, you could see Engie's truck, the blue vehicle standing out amidst the white. However, something seemed… off about the truck. You squinted, trying to figure out what was wrong.
“Hey P, did you bring a… a dog with you?” You mumbled, tilting your head at the canine shape that stood in the headlights.
“What?” Miss Pauling looked confused for a moment, before she, too, saw the creature. “What is… uh oh.”
“Uh oh? Why uh oh?” You questioned, before taking a closer look at the dog, which was now slowly moving towards the two of you.
Oh.
Uh oh indeed.
It wasn't a dog.
It was a wolf.
The beast was huge, with a thick, ungroomed black coat and amber eyes that glowed a bright, golden color in the early morning. It growled as it approached, and you could see saliva frothing at its mouth.
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me.” You balked, stumbling as Miss Pauling pulled you both back, “A rabid wolf. Why not!”
“How did it even contract rabies all the way out here?!” Miss Pauling yelped, quickly drawing her pistol. You eyed the small gun, wondering if she could aim well enough to shoot the hulking animal with your dead weight hanging off her.
Left with no other options, you weakly pawed at your coat, trying to locate something that could help you fight off the rabid beast. You had all the ingredients needed to make something truly dangerous, but if you tried to mix them now, you'd just as likely make something that would kill you before the wolf could.
Grabbing something that would at least blind the animal, you braced yourself as best you could, ready to try and help Miss Pauling fight.
“INCOMING!”
You, Miss Pauling, and the wolf all turned your heads as one, eyes widening when Sniper's van suddenly emerged from the snowstorm like the chariot of an angry Australian god. The vehicle slammed into the wolf, sending it flying out of sight. A few seconds later, an expensive looking car skidded to a stop a few feet away, one of the back doors opening before the car could even fully stop.
Scout came barreling out first, slipping on the snow and ice as he tried to regain his balance. Sniper, Heavy, and Spy followed suit, with the other's appearing behind them. They all looked absolutely horrendous; their eye bags had eye bags, Soldier and Sniper clearly needed to shave, and none of them were even remotely dressed for the cold weather of the north.
But they had never looked better to you.
Scout spotted you first, and you hardly had time to blink before the Bostonian was upon you, yanking you out of Miss Pauling's hold and into his arms.
“You're alive! Holy crap you're alive!” Scout cried, spinning you around and pressing his face into your shoulder.
Pyro joined you next, the arsonist all but smothering both you and Scout as they sobbed. You patted their back, leaning into their warm suit, attempting to leech their abundant body heat.
Before you could get a word out, a fierce yell startled you into a defensive stance. Suddenly, you were being held up by your armpits and being shook like a maraca.
“DO NOT PULL SUCH A STUNT AGAIN, MAGGOT!” Soldier yelled angrily, but you caught a glimpse of wet eyes under his helmet, “IF YOU DIE LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY RIP YOUR YELLOW-BELLIED SOUL RIGHT OUT OF HELL!”
“Sol, put them down, consarnit!” Engineer chided, smacking Soldier in the side. Once the helmeted man set you back down onto the ground, Engineer pulled you into a warm, firm hug, his flesh hand coming to rest on the back of your neck.
“Hey Engie.” You murmured softly, “Don’t be mad at Miss P, okay?”
“Buddy, ah’m gonna be treatin’ her to a steak dinner after this.” he chuckled, before gently passing you over to someone else, “Here, Demo. Be careful with ‘em. They ain’t lookin’ too good right now.”
“Aye, ya look like shite, dont’cha?” Demo laughed softly, gently ruffling your hair before pulling you into a hug, tucking you under his chin. “Ah, I’m glad yer alright. Ye gave us a right scare, ya wee bastard!”
“Sorry.” You chuckled, leaning into his chest. Demo patted your shoulder, before you were released and spun around to see Medic, Heavy, Spy and Sniper. While Heavy lifted you up into one arm, Miss Pauline began questioning how the mercenaries had found out where you and her were.
Medic descended upon you like a mother hen, fretting about the poor state you were in while simultaneously raving about the unexplored limits of the Respawn Machines. He plucked a few tablets out of a bottle in one of his coat pockets, instructing you to swallow, not chew them as Sniper handed you a well worn thermos. It was warm, and when you opened the lid, the smell of coffee hit your nose. A quick sip revealed that it was made just how you liked, which made you smile, because it meant that the usually unsociable marksman had gone out of his way to make the drink specifically for you.
“Here, mon ami,” Spy strode forward, a blanket draped over his arm. He wrapped it around your shoulders gently, tucking it in tightly, almost like your parents would do for you when you were small, “this should warm you up a bit.”
The tenderness of your usually tough, rowdy teammates made you sniffle, and you snuggled in closer to Heavy, clutching your thermos.
“I love you guys.” You said, your voice wavering with emotion, rather than cold this time, “Seriously. I- there isn’t a better team out there.”
Your praise made the gathered men puff up slightly. It was clear your opinion mattered a great deal to them.
“Leetle Chemist is included in that.” Heavy added, and you blushed slightly.
“Heavy is right, mein Chemiker.” Medic agreed, “Jou have cheated Death more zhen anyone else before jou! It is truly amazing!”
“I don’t feel amazing.” You said, quickly sipping the offered coffee.
“Vell, you are severely malnutritioned, so I am not surprised.” Medic replied. “Ah, don’t drink zhat so fast. Jou’ll just zhrow it back up.”
Once the word ‘malnutritioned’ passed the doctor’s lips, you could practically hear Engineer’s ears perk up. You were sure many home cooked meals with Engie in his workshop were in your future.
“Come on, mate, let’s get em’ outta the cold, yeah?” Sniper suggested to Heavy, gesturing towards his van. Spy snorted.
“Please, you want to have our dear Chemist rest in zhat thing? The last thing zhey need is to be surrounded by piss and crocodile jerky.” he snarked, which drew a disgruntled sneer from Sniper.
“Oi! My van is perfectly clean, and its leagues bettah than your dinky lil’ car! You just wanna hog all their attention ‘cause you’re a needy, selfish buggah!” Sniper shot back.
Heavy sighed deeply as the two men started arguing, before looking down at you.
“Heavy thinks it would be best for leetle Chemist to ride with Engineer in his truck for now. Team is very excited you are alive, and this makes them act-” the two of you winced as Soldier started yelling again, “more like loud idiots than usual, да?”
“At this point, big guy, I’d welcome the noise.” You admitted, “It was… quiet here. And lonely.”
Heavy looked at you with a saddened expression. “How long were you alone for?”
“A… a day, I think. It was hard to tell, since there were no windows.” You glanced over in the direction the wolf had been flung. “Honestly, that might have been for the best, considering what was waiting out here for me and Miss Pauling when we finally got outside.”
“Was wolf, yes? Heavy could not see very well, but it looked like wolf.” The heavy weapons expert said as he started off towards Engineer’s truck.
“Yeah, it was a wolf. A rabid one. You guys showed up just in time. I was afraid it would get close enough to bite us.” You shivered, pulling your blanket in closer.
“Miss Pauling would not have allowed that. She is small woman, yes, but very fierce.” Heavy paused for a moment, looked over at Scout and Soldier, who were talking to Miss Pauling, then leaned in to whisper: “She is better shot than some of the team. Do not tell them I said this.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t say a word.” You winked as Heavy gently set you down in the passenger seat, careful not to jostle you. The seat was still warm from the heater, and you relished in it, almost not even noticing when Engineer slipped into the driver’s seat next to you.
“Buckle up, darl’.” He grinned, reaching to pull the seat belt over your chest.
“Thanks, Engie.” You returned his smile and lay back, resting your head against your seat belt.
As you got comfortable, you noticed that the truck had an extra few passengers. Pyro waved to you from the back as both Soldier and Scout climbed up into the bed. Both men looked visibly cold, but they stubbornly plonked themselves down, dead set on staying near you. Just in case.
Spy and Sniper finally stopped squabbling when they realized that you were no longer around to fight over, and both slunk back to their respective vehicles as Engineer started up his truck. Miss Pauling and Medic followed Spy, while Demo and Heavy trailed after Sniper. Knowing your team, there would be another fight the second you all stopped for gas or food, likely over who you should sit with for the rest of the drive back. Honestly, it was like being back in school, surrounded by a friend group of mentally ill lunatics who fought like spoiled dogs for your attention.
You wouldn’t change a thing. You were, after all, just as needy and clingy as the rest of them, and you knew you’d be even more desperate to be near someone all the time, afraid to be back in that horrid silence.
How wonderful for you, then, that you had 8 men, 1 woman, and 1 Pyro who would be more than happy to indulge you.
Can we have a scenario with the tf2 mercs of how they react If you're gonna go on a long trip like a vacation or something like that And how badly do they miss you or how do they act when they you get back Would they be all over you or just trying to cuddle with you?
Okay so. I would do individual ones but I feel they all fall into one of 4 catagories!!
Masterlist
The…
“Oh? You’re back?” - Heavy , engineer , ms Pauling
They’re all nonchalant , giving you a peck on the wheel asking if you want anything keeping their cool but you could see in their eyes they’re just so overwhelming happy to see you. Keeping a rational head! But don’t mistake them their yearning ran to their souls.
“DONT EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!” - scout , soldier
Loud , brash and chaotic. Even if you called them everyday when you get back you’re getting tackle hugged and yelled at to never leave again as if you just came back from what was meant to be a suicide mission or something! They aaaaalllll over you so good luck moving tonight
“It’s nice to have you back in my arms..” - engineer , spy , Zhanna , demoman
A yearner and proud , they don’t hide the fact they missed you as they kiss you all over wistfully complaining about how they were oh so alone! How tragic am I right? They joke but they definitely aren’t letting you be tonight
“I’m not letting you out of my sight again dumbass.” - Sniper , pyro , medic
These yearners are quiet. They just smiled coming over giving you a quick hug but if you dare try to let go?? They hold tighter just casually saying trying to mask the love in their voice “just…another second love.” . They act as if it’s alll okay but you can see they never wanna go through that traumatic devastating horrible event again!!! (You were away for a month and still kept in contact with them.)
great! can i order sick headcannons with the mercs (reader is the sick one. idk how else to clarify that)
okay coolio bye then
-apple anon ✌️
haha imagine being sick. enjoy covid, apple :)
(disclaimer, i'm not mean to anyone else. I just know apple IRL.)
When you're sick - headcanons
All the mercs (+ Ms. Pauling) x G/N reader
(I added Pilot because pretending my OC is a canon character is fun.)
Fluff
Scout:
Ok, let's be honest, you aren't getting a lot in terms of anything genuinely helpful to your health.
He'll sit at the edge of your bed and keep you company, rattling off about his day or the current happening around the base.
He lived with seven older brothers, thus naturally developed a pretty good immune system. He'll snuggle with and kiss you all over. He'll get under the covers, too. He's taking a nap there. You don't get to kick him out. Here's there forever now.
Will get you a juice or something, but don't expect him to get you anything you'd need to cook.
Soldier:
Sick?? You shouldn't be sick!! It's those damn communists contaminating the water supply, he swears by it.
Nonetheless, he will be sure to stay by your side and give you an honorable burial if you were to perish. Not that you will! You're a strong american man (regardless of your nationality. or gender. just go with it, it'll make him happy.), and he knows you'll pull through.
Stands at the foot of your bed doing surveillance. You're at your most vulnerable, so he has to keep watch!!
He cannot cook. Good lord he cannot cook. He'll try though for you, but you better expect it to taste or look horrible.
Pyro:
Will prance to your room, move all of their stuff in there, and have sleepovers with you until you're better.
They'll color with you, bring you snacks and treats, and spend a lot of time with you in general.
They don't really get sick themself, partially due to wearing the mask all the time, so they don't know exactly how to take care of you on the practical side of things, but they'll grab you anything you want if you ask them!!
Demoman:
He knows a lot about being sick. Mainly due to hangovers, but he's pretty experienced in terms of getting sick, so he knows what to do in a lot of cases.
He's making you a hot toddy if your throat is sore. (He's making one for himself too.)
Will offer a bunch of weird remedies that he swears by, which only a handful usually work. His eagerness to help you out usually wins over you though, so you end up trying them.
Heavy:
I think he would be one of the best to care for you. He took care of his family when he lived with them (and still visits!), so he'd for sure know exactly what to do for you.
Makes a mean soup. It's his mother's recipe, so you better compliment it.
Can and will pick you up and carry you to other rooms if you want a change of scenery. He doesn't much care about getting sick himself, and he can usually power through it if it spreads to him, so don't worry about giving him your germs. Just don't kiss him or anything, he's not that interested in getting sick.
Will take you to Medic if he thinks it's getting bad.
Engineer:
Okay, this might be a controversial take, but I think he'd be absolute dogwater at taking care of you.
MAN CAN'T EVEN GET UP FOR A GLASS OF WATER FOR HIMSELF IF HE'S WORKING, AND YOU EXPECT HIM TO TAKE CARE OF A WHOLE 'NOTHER PERSON???
Okay, he'll try.
He'll talk to Medic to see what can be done for you, might move some of the stuff he's tinkering on so you can spend time with him if you want, He might make you a snack if he has the time, but probably not much more than that.
He genuinely cares about you, but he doesn't exactly have the resources or time to be with you the whole duration of your sickness.
Medic:
Sick? Under his watch? Impossible. The second you start showing symptoms of anything, no matter how small, he is testing you for everything under the sun.
Be prepared to spend ninety percent of your time in the medbay, because he's running tests on you like there's no tomorrow.
Will give you so many pills or random liquids to down, and not tell you what a single one does.
He's definitely giving you a remedy of his own invention that may or may not be banned in multiple US states.
Sniper:
Now this is a man who can take care of you when you're sick.
He has a lot of knowledge on how to help, because his mother would always talk about what she was doing or making to help him feel better whenever he was sick growing up.
He knows (and can probably cook) whatever meals will help get your energy back, he knows what medicine to get from Medic, and he'll do his best to make you all comfy cozy.
He'll probably call his parents if he doesn't know what to do in a specific case, as he doesn't really want you spending too much time in the medbay. It's just overly sterile and serious in there, and he knows that a comforting atmosphere can be better for trying to recover from being sick.
Spy:
He will reluctantly bring you a few things, but do not expect him to spend time with you.
He is wearing a facemask when entering your room, giving a brief greeting while bringing you food or something, and leaving. If you ask him to stay, he will not.
I feel like he would have mildly germaphobic tendencies, just based on how clean he tries to keep on a regular basis.
The only reason he even bothers to bring you anything is because he thinks you're the least annoying and wouldn't survive being around everyone else if you died.
A little melodramatic, but he's got the spirit.
Ms. Pauling:
Let's be honest, she wouldn't have the time to take care of you.
She'll make an effort to tell the others to make sure you're doing okay and are fed and given proper care, but she probably won't be able to do anything past that.
WE STILL LOVE HER THOUGH.
Pilot:
Pilot is a little bit of a mess, but will try his best.
He usually makes food for everyone when nobody wants prepackaged meals, so he's got quite a bit of soup-making experience.
Is the comforting king. Will let you lay your head in his lap and sleep while he reads or writes. Will gently play with your hair if you want him to.
He'll get you a ginger ale and swear that it helps. It tastes good, but it's unclear if it actually helps with nausea or a sore throat.
Let him kiss you. He will get so sick, but he wants to kiss you so bad. He doesn't care that he's getting your germs, he just wants to comfort you.
ᯠྀི 𓇮 ᯄ '' REARRANGING HER GUTS BUT INTO NICE SHAPES, LIKE LITTLE HEARTS AND GEOMETIC PATTERNS '' – PYRO X FEM!READER – ONESHOT & SMUT & FLUFF.
THUMBNAIL MADE BY ME ALL CREDITS FOR ART GO TO OG CREATORS!
⋆ 𐙚 ̊. {MDNI} ⋆ 𐙚 ̊.
6k words.
SUMMARY: ‘’ He should scare you, You’ve heard horror stories about him, Pyro, the freak, the thing, that.. Mumbling abomination, but in all honesty you keep staring at their bulge. ‘’
TAGS/WARNINGS: plot with porn, this is utterly filthy, p in v, unprotected sex, mask kink, dry humping, breath play, pyro uses ‘’they/them’’ pronouns but has male anatomy, mental illness mentions, cnc, chat pyro is fucking psychotic, NO pyro is NOT babied in this fic, strangling, RED!team, murder, gore, handjobs, size kink, fluffy sex turns into rough sex, comfort & affection, fluffy ending.
A/N: starting off strong chat
PROOFREAD!
NSFW UNDER THE CUT.
Pyro, the mumbling abomination that struck nothing but pure fear into you and your teammates. And the funny thing was he wasn’t even an enemy, he was in your team. Your TEAMMATE. Pyro was an interesting nutcase that had everyone on your team, including yourself, genuinely questioning the safety measures of this company and who they are hiring. Like seriously, do background checks even exist for this corporation or were they just picking off lunatics from the ward and throwing them into battle? Unlike the other members of the team that had information on them–Pyro had nothing, all that was known was a track record of mental illness and the fact they were a mercenary. There was nothing known about them, not their name, history, gender, nothing. All anyone knew was Pyro was a schizophrenic homicidal maniac who creeped everyone out, including Heavy! Who was known for his fearlessness and bravery, in his own words: ‘’I fear no man, but that… Thing, scares me.’’ You’ve all seen them on the battlefield, locking the other team into buildings with their fire axe and burning sed building to the ground with them inside. Mercilessly stalking and hunting BLU till every opponent you had was dead. You’ve heard the others whisper, wondering if Pyro would ever change their mind and go after this team. They seemed to have no limit or morals, and they were completely unable to speak. So that just increased the fear factor of you all.
But for some reason, they sparked an interest in you. You’d find yourself watching them from afar, Pyro isolated, doing their own thing. Refueling their flamethrower, polishing their axe, oiling up the trigger so it wouldn’t stall.. Staring at the wall silently like they were dissociating. You had your own personal questions about your nutty teammate. They never did seem all there, like they were in their own little lala land. You tried finding anything about them, hell you even asked Miss Pauling but she knew as much as you did: Nothing!
You tried to do research, tried to find out where their latex suit was from, to the brand of their flamethrower–You tried everything. What fuel they used, but your digging was met with dead ends at every turn.. You even tried to bribe Spy to go and stalk Pyro for a bit and go into their room–Try to see if they were hiding anything or had any bits and pieces about their identity. But Spy called you an idiot for even attempting to ask that question.
‘’Keep starin’ at that thing and it’ll light this whole goddamn place ablaze.’’ Heavy said, breaking you from your daze of creepily watching Pyro from a distance. Today thankfully was a relaxation day, no fighting, no war, no missions.. Just recharging, you, Heavy, Engineer, and Demoman were sitting at one of the tables in the kitchen. You had drifted from the conversation to gawk while the others talked about various topics that you had no interest in. ‘’Don’t be like that Mikhail.’’ You said as you lifted your water bottle towards your lips, shooting Heavy a sharp glare out of annoyance.. And embarrassment you had gotten caught. ‘’Hell, I don’t blame em’. Especially after what we caught that Mumblin’ Devil doin’ yesterday.’’ Tavish said with a small shiver running down his spine as his hands clutched his mug of coffee. Right.. Yesterday, you couldn’t blame your teammates fear from what they witnessed Pyro doing yesterday in the field.. Apparently Scout had found Pyro tearing the intestines from a screaming-barely alive-BLU Soldier.. Completely understandable and valid fear.
You didn’t even have an excuse to defend Pyro, the thought of imagining Pyro taking a huge man–Breaking his legs, and cutting open his stomach while he is still ALIVE and tearing out his intestines. The sounds of organs squishing and blood squelching, and bones cracking made you shiver. ‘’How’s Scout doing..?’’ You asked with slight concern, apparently Scout had to go to Med-bay after witnessing the scene, and hasn’t been back since then. ‘’Still refuses to sleep in the barracks. Nurse told me he’s in pretty rough shape, been having nightmares.’’ Dell chimed in, he had visited Scout earlier to see how he was holding up. Afterall, Scout was more terrified of Pyro than all of you combined. Scout always had this fear that Pyro had it out for them, it was a reasonable fear. Hell, you even thought sometimes if Pyro was out for all of you. ‘’Is he going to attend tomorrow's mission? ‘’ You asked, your hand putting down the water bottle and grabbing the cap off of the wooden table. Twisting the circular piece of plastic back onto the nozzle as you looked at Dell who shrugged in response. ‘’I don’t blame him, I don’t think I’d be okay witnessing that face to face.’’ Mikhail shivered at the pure concept of that horrible vision. Your gaze slipped subconsciously, noticing Pyro wasn’t over by the little chair they like to sit in the main rec room. Pyro had their own little chair, it was away from the couch and the others and in a corner. Everyone here all agreed and registered that it was Pyro’s spot and off limits. They probably went to their room already.. Or the showers. It was getting pretty late, and tomorrow you had to go back on the field on another mission.
‘’Well M’ gonna call it a night, I’m pretty exhausted.’’ You said, pushing back your chair as you stood up. Grabbing your water bottle as you pushed in your chair. ‘’Tired from sittin’ on yer ass all day?’’ Playfully mocked Tavish who was giving you his sly ass grin, ‘’Tired of listening to you all talk about the same topic over and over again, then yeah.’’ You bit back, ‘’Goodnight.’’ You simply said to your team members who all bid you a goodnight in their own ways.
You began walking towards the barracks, shoes clicking gently against the cold tile making your way down the hall about to turn left for the female barracks and bathroom to wash up before bed. Till your eyes landed on a door. Pyro’s door, Pyro got his own room since everyone else had safety concerns.. And honestly? It was for the best. You glanced around, looking for that hulking gas mask and guttural breathing to find yourself alone. And in front of Pyro’s door, you pressed your ear against the wood trying to hear any signs of life–a mumble, a breath, maybe even a small step. Yet you heard nothing.
This is fucking stupid, I should not do this shit. Your prefrontal cortex said in your mind, but your hand didn’t stop wrapping itself around the knob and testing to see if it was unlocked.. And it wasn’t, Girl if you do not turn your ass around right now–You thought to yourself, trying to reason yourself out of a very BAD idea. Your brain was already imagining what would happen if you got caught, and every response landed in the most brutal way to die. Pyro was reserved for a reason, and you know this. Everyone does, but curiosity did in fact kill the cat because your hand fully turned the knob.
You did one last glance around ensuring your isolation before taking a peek inside of the room, it was dark–yet thanks to military training you could make out any shapes that seemed human enough. And you saw nothing, even doing a reassuring stance to listen for any noises. But the only thing you heard was silence, you slipped your body gently through the crack in the door you had made for yourself to sneak in. Moving like a python in a tight place you slithered your way through and closed the door subtly and gently behind you before feeling around for a light. Your digits moved carefully around surfaces, feeling the textures of wood before your palm landed on cold metal. Your hand snaked up around the base as the tips of your fingers felt around for a switch..
Click.
The lamp illuminated the light in the room, and honestly? You were disappointed in the lack of–Everything. This room was basic, it had a bed, a dresser, a nightstand, a desk, and the standard lamp. The only thing that caught your eye was a pink fluffy unicorn plushy sitting in front of two pillows, your head tilted slightly in interest as you stepped forward towards the bed. It was neatly made, all corners tucked into the frame.. Pyro definitely had military training, and apparently liked unicorns? You weren’t stupid, you knew damn well not to touch that god forsaken stuffed animal. Having a slight feeling touching it would set Pyro into a murderous rage, so your eyes set to something less obvious. The closet.
You stepped forward towards the wooden door, hand wrapping around the wooden handle to open the sliding door. The closet was like the room, clean. Hanging from the bars were two hangers, one empty, the other hanger holding a latex fire-proof suit, and around the neck of the hanger was another black gas mask. On the metal shelf were a few boxes. One was for shotgun ammunition, another was for flare, and the other boxes were longer. Probably holding a shotgun and the flare gun. Below your feet was a big storage case, and on top another case. But it was smaller. Inside the small box were a few bottles of lube and conditioner, probably to help lube up the latex suit to get in. And on the other side there was napalm wrapped in protective casing. Upon closing the small box and temporarily moving it, you kneeled down on the ground and opened it. The contents were simple, Pyro’s flamethrower and some flammable fuel.
You were disappointed in finding only things you already knew about, the only new thing was the unicorn. Which surprised you, Pyro was such a homicidal cruel abomination.. Why did they enjoy something as innocent and childish as a pink unicorn with light pink hair? And the hair wasn’t matted like how most synthetic wool hair would be on most stuffed animals. It was straight and detangled, which immediately gave off the tell-tale sign Pyro cherished the stuffed toy.
With a sigh you stood up, there had to be more. You grabbed the medium black box and placed it back on its respective place on top of the other storage container and shut the closet. Making your way over to the dresser to see its contents.
Oops.. You thought to yourself when you opened the first drawer only to find it full of boxer briefs neatly folded. That didn’t really tell you much since you yourself wore boxers, they were better for combat and comfort. Your hands reached for another and found it stacked full of ammunition for different types of weapons, and a tool kit for sharpening and polishing. Again, nothing special.. The next drawer had some plain black t-shirts neatly folded military style. The next few drawers were just pants and socks, and a boot polishing kit..
Either Pyro knew someone would snoop eventually, or they were really just this reserved. This was a waste of time, you weren’t learning anything. Just the fact that military standards seemed to be drilled into Pyro’s brain and they liked unicorns–
Your mind was immediately changed upon opening the nightstand drawer. Your eyes landed on a jar, a mason jar, a mason jar full of human teeth. The light that shined in from the room poured into the drawer and lit up the different shades of teeth ranging from deep yellows to almost white, they were human by the way the incisor and molars looked. And the jar was full, full to the top. Your stomach dropped instantly, you needed to get the fuck out of here now. You gently shut the drawer and went for the light, the hairs on the back of your neck were standing tall and your adrenaline was kicking in. It was one thing to brutally murder the enemy, it was another to collect human teeth in a jar in your bedroom knowing your history as a serial maniac. Your heart immediately fell to your ass when you saw that god forsaken door knob turn, your training kicked in and your body made like the speed of light. Turning off the lamp before getting on all fours and sliding underneath the bed. Engulfing the room back into darkness, your only saving grace was light did not escape through the gaps of the doors.
Crrreeeakkkkk..
The door widened all the way as the room was flooded with light once more, you held your breath as a hand wrapped around your jaw to silence yourself. Your legs curled in to make yourself look smaller as you crawled into a corner furthest away from the exit from underneath the bed, your widened eyes landed on Pyro’s fluffy pink bunny slippers. You heard the familiar sound of the door shutting and the lamp clicking on, your eyes followed their feet. Trying not to make it obvious or alert them from staring so hard, they made their way over to the closet and opened it. Hanging up their suit on the empty hanger you saw earlier before closing the door and making their way to the bed.
The frame creaked underneath their added weight, slipping their feet out of the slippers and into the bed. You could feel them shifting to get comfortable before the light turned off, now all you had to do was wait till they fell asleep.. Minutes passed as silence filled the air, you waited carefully. Waiting for one snore, one snore and you’d get out of this room and forget you were ever in here. And thankfully you were given that one deep snore, you made haste. Crawling out from underneath the bed, still staying low to hide your figure–
HHFGK!
You gasped out, your hands jumping to the burnt one wrapped around your throat tightly. Cutting off your airway as Pyro lifted you from the ground and onto the bed, Pyro saw you enter their room when they were walking out of the bathrooms. They were just waiting for you out, they knew exactly where you were hiding too. They weren’t even laying down either, they just sat there and pretended to lure you out. You squirmed and wiggled, expecting to be met with Pyro’s weapon of choice till they dropped you on the bed and loomed above, they let go of your throat and turned on the lamp like an angry parent who just caught a teenager sneaking out of bed.
You coughed and heaved for oxygen, gagging on your own erratic breaths as you sat up for a better airway. Once you had regained your senses you looked up and saw Pyro. Not in their suit, but in lounge clothes. They were wearing one of the black shirts you had seen earlier and some comfortable baggy lounge pants. And of course, that black gas mask. Their thick arms were crossed and that’s when you noticed the lack of body hair, and soft skin. There was charred skin all over certain parts of their arms and hands. And around their entire neck and possibly more. ‘’I’m sorry–’’ You began immediately begging for forgiveness, ‘’I know this was severely inappropriate of me to invade your space. I have no excuse for my actions.’’ You really had no excuse, you being ‘’interested’’ in them wasn’t even an excuse either.
Pyro’s head tilted softly, you could feel their eyes on you. Staring directly at your head, they didn’t say anything–Even then it’s not like you’d understand a word they said. The silence was awkward as you waited for anything, a hint of interaction. But all you got was a chest heaving and them staring you down like an executioner. The fear in your system had your other senses working overtime to try and soothe that fear, and unfortunately it made things worse because you realized how.. Close their thighs to you. There was barely any space between you two, they had big thighs too–And your eyes subconsciously were looking them up and down. From toe to head, their body was masculine. That’s when you noticed the slight bulge where the crotch of their pants was, ‘’Pyro..?’’ You asked looking up at them.
Pyro didn’t know what to do with you, they were upset you had invaded their personal privacy instead of being normal and asking questions to them and actually interacting with them. They were just staring, staring directly at you silently. You couldn’t even read anything about them through their body language. This was awkward, and uncomfortable. Your body had the primal urge to remove yourself from this situation immediately. ‘’Can I leave..?’’ The minute that string of words came out of your mouth Pyro closed the gap, pushing you flat on your back on the bed. Your legs instinctively hiked up in habit and shock as they stood between your thighs, still staring down at you. But their gaze seemed to shift, from your face, to your neck, to your chest. That full chest rising and falling from beneath a t-shirt, you were scared. They knew you were, they didn’t want you to be scared of them. They weren’t going to hurt you!
You were terrified beneath them, begging to every entity above and below to spare your life. Your body jolted when you felt those rough hands land on your waist, right where your shirt had ridden up slightly from impact. In Pyro’s mind, this was a way of telling you they weren’t going to hurt you. In your mind you thought they were testing to see if it was possible to break your hips from this angle. Still sensing you were scared, they took a step forward–Which did nothing but cage you in and brush their crotch against yours. A soft gasp came from your lips when you felt a bulge rub against the clothed part of your sex, your hands gripping the bedding a bit harder as the muscles in your thighs clenched.
‘’Pyro–Wait..’’ You muttered out, shifting away from their crotch just in case.. But they pulled you back against it, hard. ‘’ah!’’ You mewled out on accident, Pyro only pulled you back because they thought you were trying to get away but their head jolted up to your face upon hearing that noise. Your face flushed with red, embarrassment burning your ears and head like you had been lit on fire. Before you could awkwardly apologize and try to move away again, their hips nudged gently against yours testing to see if they could make that sound come out again. ‘’uh–’’ Drawled out from you in a high pitched squeak, their head tilted as their grip on your waist slithered down to your hips. Squishing the soft fat underneath their burnt hands as they gently guided your hips to grind back against theirs.
Your muscles relaxed as the hairs on your neck went down, your body focusing on the pleasurable stimulation instead of adrenaline and your fight or flight response. They could feel your body relaxing underneath theirs as they kept a steady and perfect pace. Their bulge was getting bigger, you could feel the mound of flesh beneath those pants getting thicker and swelling. Soft breathing came from their mask above you as they grinded you down on them, the stimulation felt so good–You just couldn’t help wrapping your legs around their waist to bring them closer. Your sex was aching and pulsing around nothing, and you could feel yourself already getting wet from the slick ruining your dry underwear. ‘’ooh, fuckk..’’ You groaned, eyes going from wide to half lidded as those pupils slowly trailed up their body like eye candy.
Pyro themself was getting more dazed, their breath was picking up, the way their digits wrapped around your hips a bit tighter.. And the way they were grinding harder, they were listening to every soft mewl that came from those beautiful lips. You sounded like a siren singing, luring in unsuspecting victims to your trap. A beautiful harmonic melody filling their ears, they were unknowingly going harder. Grinding you harder down on their crotch which made your eyes flutter shut from the powerful stimulation overtaking your senses, you haven’t had release in months. You were too exhausted, too stressed out, or too hurt to even pleasure yourself in your lonesome. So your body was acting more desperate for the stimulus, ‘’haa, haa, mmh–’’ You whimpered out when they gave you three hard thrusts, like they were trying to fuck you out of your shorts. You let out a small cry when they folded you up and laid down on top of you, thighs clenched hard as they practically pounded you through their clothes. Your arms wrapped around their shoulders, bringing them close as their body crushed you. Using their weight as an advantage just to slam their hips into you harder, you could hear their erratic breathing coming through the filter of the gas mask.
Your eyes fluttered to their gas mask, seeing how the tinted lenses were all fogged up from how excited they were. Your hand gently abandoned the thick of their back and traveled along the black rubber slowly finding your hand wrapped firmly around the nozzle of the gas mask, palm almost covering the filter. This only seemed to excite Pyro more, the concept of having limited breathing made their brain even fuzzier as their pace picked up. Trying their hardest to mount you, you picked up on their pace and how quick and sloppy they had become. Your hand wrapped tightly around the filter, suppressing their breathing. A deep muffled groan came from them as they pumped their hips harder into your clothed sex, wiggling and gyrating their hips perfectly so their bulge rubs against your sensitive clit that was begging for attention.
Their breaths increasingly got heavier, sounding more like a gruff rasp than actual intakes for oxygen, their brain was getting all fuzzy and empty as their eyes fluttered from underneath that mask concealing their identity. Their messy humps got sloppier and slower, their body turning tense as less oxygen flowed through their veins. Your hand released on the nozzle, watching their chest heave for air as they shuttered violently. Almost coming from how good that felt to almost pass out. ‘’Pyro,’’ You panted out looking up into those tinted lens, ‘’Please–God, please fuck me.’’ You begged them, you almost winced at the hesitation they held. Were they nervous? Scared? Ashamed?
They were scared, scared of what you’d say the minute those pants came down. Pyro’s body wasn’t your attractive stupid hunk that had beautiful skin. Their skin was charred and burnt from the torture they had undergone in the past, permanent blisters swirling on their rough skin. Forming syllables and stories of what horrors this mortal body has seen, what they’ve gone through. What horrific monsters had done to them. They weren’t attractive, they were ugly, disgusting, a cruel and good for nothing monster. They couldn’t bear the insults, the teasing, the dehumanizing names and degrading sentences. Each letter only being a bullet to cause harm on their already weak psyche. But then those beautiful hands, those soft and firm hands that brought comfort wrapped around their shoulders as you bounded that lovely body into them harder. Face full of desperation, admiration and straight need that had their gut twisting in desire.
‘’Ah!’’ You gasped when they suddenly pulled back, looming above your shaky body as those charred hands yanked down the waistband of those baggy sweatpants. Their strong hips had old stitches, burn scars, and discoloration. Their happy trail was faint, yet there. The pubic follicles weak from once being lit ablaze, but that wasn’t what your eyes had zeroed in. It was their dick–8 inches of pure fat. Pyro’s body wasn’t muscular by any means, they were bulky yet had some chub to them. Their tip was a deep red, that red being broken up by the white pre dripping from their slit down their heavy shaft. They loomed above, nervous expecting an insult. But all they got was a pathetic whimper when you realized that was going to be stuffed into you for god who knows how long, your hips wiggled as you tried to yank down your shorts. Their hands came down and redirected your hands onto their cock, gently guiding those soft palms that made their lumbar arch. It’s been a really long time since their charred flesh felt a certain softness, your hands wasted zero time pumping. One hand wrapped firmly around the tip as the other dragged back and forth along the heated skin, ‘’MMMphmp!’’ They groaned, hands shaking as they abandoned your own and traveled down to the waist band of your shorts. Tugging them down with ease, their head tilted with slight curiosity at the dark stain on the front of your underwear. Dark from the slick you had been producing and your cunt crying for affection, they spread your thighs further. One palm on your warm flesh as a sign of affection as the other went down. ‘’oh!’’ You gasped when those thick fingers bundled up together to rub exactly where your messy slit was hiding. Thighs jiggling as a shiver went through them, feet bracing the bed as you swirled your hips with their fingers.
You pumped them harder, tongue reaching out to lick their messy tip. Their hips jolted forward, almost stuffing your mouth full as their hand on you rubbed harder. Trying to stuff you full through the fabric of your underwear, pressing hard against your opening that was trying to grasp anything. Your hand moved down to your underwear and hastily tugged the fabric clean from your pelvis, an animalistic grunt came from Pyro. His other hand snapping to your other thigh to make you spread far like an eagle, legs up in the air as they stared down directly at the pulsing flesh.
Drool dripped down their concealed chin, they had half a mind to rip this gas mask off and devour you like a bobcat. The way you NEEDED them made their ego inflate, for once, they were needed for something as carnal and intimate as sex. ‘’Pyroooo, don’t teasseee!’’ You cried out, flashing them with your best puppy eyes. You couldn’t take anymore teasing, your stomach was full of erratic butterflies that were making your mind melt into goo. Without a second thought they grabbed their base, shifting their hips low towards you. Putting those plushy thighs of yours around their hips as they jerked themself right in front of your entrance. Tip bumping against your vulva, tracing messy shapes on it as they covered you in their messy heady pre.
Huff, Huff, Huuuff.
They sounded like an exhausted bull above you, so worked up they couldn’t see straight. They didn’t see Pyroland or their boring black and white world, they saw reality. Real reality, and that reality was between your legs. ‘’O–Oh! Ah!’’ You gasped out, head rolling back hard as your hands gripped the messy bedding. Pathetically gasping, yet no noise came out as their tip pressed in. Stretching your tiny hole out, Your thighs tensed and quivered against their torso, chest heaving rapidly as they continued to push in. Every inch had you spiraling, noises without sound escaped those gaping lips as your eyes rolled back into your skull. Their rough flesh had your ankles twisting against their back as their hand softly rubbed your arched back. The one thing you were grateful for was they were being slow, aware of the size difference between you two. So they were going nice and slow to help you get used to them, their other hand was on your thigh. Groping the soft flesh as they watched you twitch and writhe, pushing all the way to the hilt before stopping. Letting that pretty cunt rest against their balls as they let you squeeze and stretch around their length. Pathetic cries escaped your throat as your hands blindly went to their stomach in a weak attempt to keep them there as your inner walls squeezed tightly around them, making them accidentally thrust forward on instinct. ‘’FUCK!’’ You yelped out when that stupidly fat tip slammed against a sweet spot that had you reeling, your hands gripped tighter on them as a raspy breath escaped you. ‘’p,pyro! Hold on–please–!’’ You cried out but they didn’t stop, ‘’uuuuggghhh..!’’ You moaned as they started on some deep shallow thrusts that had you near tears, they filled you up like cream filling! Their hips snapped hard against you, a loud plap coming from between you two as their hands slid up to your hips. Thumbs on your hip bones as they made you rock against them, lifting your bottom half up as they absolutely destroyed your poor pussy by doing barely ANYTHING. Those deep strokes had you howling out, slick dripping from your cunt onto the bedding and them–Coating them with your scent.
Rough ‘’uh’s’’ escaped you with their deep rhythm, they weren’t going fast in the slightest. What was tearing up your insides was how deep they were hitting, and how much force each pump had. Their hazy eyes travelled along your body like you were a string to a harp, watching you jiggle and the recoil you had from them. Those beautiful tits begging to be free from your shirt and bra, a deep grunt came from them as their hand gripped the loose fabric hard. Shoving it up towards your neck revealing your bra that barely held your heavy shoulder boulders. Your stomach dipped with each thrust, forming a small bump on your lower abdomen from where they were inside you. You felt like you were on a rollercoaster and on the tip of the drop, you pulsed hard around them as your thighs squeezed their torso hard. Digging into their ribcage as their thrusts grew quicker. Your noises came out faster as they picked up the vigor. Hips slamming into your pelvis like they were trying to split you open.
‘’Uuuuhh! O,Oh fuck!’’ You squeaked out in a high pitched cry, eyes hazily opening to stare at your desperate lover above you. Pounding deeply away, their thighs tense, knees digging into the mattress as the mattress itself squeaked like a mouse. One hand curled hard around your hip, thumb digging into the dip. The other holding up your shirt like a bully, their eyes trained on your bouncing tits like it was a TV show to laugh at. Your pussy squelched as it sucked them bone dry, heels digging into their back. Feeling the wet fabric of their once dry shirt, turning damp from the sweat pouring from their pores in an attempt to keep their body cool and to maintain homeostasis. Your arms wrapped around their shoulders, yanking them down as your lips found their rough neck. Soft plush of moisturized flesh against their leathery skin, they couldn’t feel your affection due to their nerves being numb in the areas of their fourth degree burns, but seeing you worship their ugly flesh brought great comfort to them.
Their body began to crush you again, curling around your form as their arms wrapped around your head. Forming a pillow as one hand buried in your hair, digits rubbing your scalp in comfort as they pounded you so hard you were squirming away from their hips. The stimulation being too much, too rough, too deep.
Your lips followed their assault to their unmaimed skin, lips wrapping around their Adam's apple and sucking. A muffled yelp came from them in surprise as their hips slammed into you so hard you screeched and released their Adam's apple. The reason? Their tip just slammed against your cervical wall. ‘’Haaah! O,Oh my GOOODDD!’’ you moaned out, eyes slamming shut as your hips gyrated up into theirs. Trying to force them to breach that wall, and they got the hint immediately. This position wasn’t helping, so in a flash they lifted you up and themself. Seating your plush ass on their spread thighs as they forced you down harder, bouncing you like you were in a bounce house. Forcing you allll the way up into the air, your cunt only gripping their tip before slamming you back down. Making you take them whole, this new position and pace had your brain shutting down. Drool leaking from your lips in a pathetic response to this newfound violent stimulation that was rattling your bones. They were trying to pop your wall like a grape! ‘’P–Pryo, M’ gonna cum!’’ You sobbed out into their shoulder weakly, your voice high pitched and shaky as you shook around them. Your walls gripping them hard, suctioning wet flesh onto their shaft, damn near making them claustrophobic as you came hard. Slick pushing from your cunt onto their dick & balls. You fluttered violently around them as incoherent noises escaped you, their hands on your lower back and ass as they took this opportunity of numbness and overstimulation to absolutely ravage your guts.
In real time you could feel them rearranging your guts into little hearts and geometric patterns like you were a canvas, all you could do was cry out weakly and reel in the violent shocks you were feeling. Their pace got sloppy, rushed, erratic as they hunted down their orgasm. As much as they wanted to paint your insides like the great Mona Lisa, they couldn’t risk you getting pregnant. That would make Ms. Pauling suspend you! Rough growls dripped from the filter as their grip on you became borderline painful, making you squirm in a poor attempt to get away from the pain. And with one last slam they yanked out of you, causing your slick to spray down on them like a shower head as their own thick ropes of cum splattered all over your stomach and chest. Painting your skin a creamy white, their hand jumped down to their cock and pumped hard. Forcing more to splatter onto you, thick, gooey, warm potent cum painting your stomach like an ancient mural as their chest heaved.
They collapsed backwards, bringing you down with them as they manhandled you into laying with them. Riding the waves of pleasure and the after shocks as they heaved for oxygen they had suppressed themself from getting, they didn’t even notice they had been subconsciously holding their breath this entire time! You laid limp in their grasp, cuddling into them. Stealing their warmth as your brain came back down to earth. Their hand comfortingly rubbing your back as they looked down at you, their stare was one of affection and desire and yours was one of exhaustion and admiration. This was the best sex you had in a long while, you felt like a new person. Scrubbed from the inside and out, reborn into something new.
You let out a long sigh, not one of irritation. One of delight, as you snuggled your head into them eyes fluttering shut in exhaustion. They had wiped you out, more than any battlefield or mission could do. The last thing you felt was Pyro pulling up the blankets on top of your bodies and holding you close.
Scenario, offense merc’s take their so to a bar. S/o gets wasted and can’t recognize their Merc to where they get approached and the s/o goes, “Back off! have a boyfriend!” Who’s offended and who’s having fun?
I hope I did your idea justice! I was kinda confused on how to make this work at first, but it turned out super cute imo!!! Thanks for requesting!! :3
Warnings: MDNI, reader gets super drunk, fluff and comedy, all pronouns for Pyro, GN reader
🍻 The Offense Class with an S/O That Gets Too Drunk! 🍻
The night had gone amazing so far! You and your mercenary boyfriend had gone out for a good ol' bar hopping run late one night, ignoring your responsibilities for the time being. As the night went on, however, you definitely were downing much more alcohol than your partner, and much more than one should intake in one sitting. After you had just polished off your latest of many shots at the bartop, your boyfriend rushes up beside you to show you something...
Scout:
- He was freaking out. In a good way! This place has freakin' Tom Jones on the jukebox! He absolutely needed to show you, and maybe show off some of his totally awesome and definitely not inebriated dance moves.
- When he sped over to your wobbling form beside the bar, he grabbed your shoulder and spun you around with a huge grin.
- "Babe! You gotta check this out, they have the best freakin' songs on the-"
- He was interrupted by your flailing arm shoving him off you. Your slurred speech is just barely understandable as you scowled at him, unable to process who you're even looking at.
- "Back off, buster! I-I have... a boyfriend!"
- "Y-yeah! I'm right here!"
- "And he's like.... WAY hotter than you, so... Don't even try!"
- "Hey! I am too hotter than- Wait- Wait a minute-"
- Since he's had a drink himself, both of you are blundering this interaction wildly. Scout doesn't know whether to be offended or proud, but he knows you've definitely had one too many. Maybe the music can wait for another day.
- "Yeah, alright hot stuff, I'm cutting you off."
- He ignores your complaints against taking you away from your precious bar tender and decides the night is over. He's a little offended you couldn't recognize him, but he's dealt with drunks before. The worst that happens is he's pouty the next morning despite you not remembering a single thing.
- Absolutely holds it over your head in the most "woe is me" fashion ever. It's all in good fun, though.
- Yall were probably both hung over the next day, but he did his best to take care of you 😭 which wasn't amazing, but its the thought that counts, right?
Soldier:
- You just HAVE to see the quality of the toilets in this place. By god, they're better than prison!
- While he did have a few beers that night, this guy is such a heavyweight that it barely even touched him. He's practically stone cold sober.
- Just as you get down your shot, managing to only spill a little on yourself, he grabs you by the shoulders and hauls you off the barstool you'd been sitting on. You latch onto his arms for support, very nearly face planting.
- "Private, I've just been to the bathrooms and I can proudly report that they're some of the finest porcelain I've ever seen. I insist we-"
- You try to shove him off, but unfortunately your man has the grip of Hercules.
- "Get off'a me! I-I got a boyfriend, and he like... Will totally kick your ass!" You splutter, pointing an accusing finger into his chest.
- "Dear God... I've become what I despise the most... A home wrecker! You're right cupcake! I should kick my own ass!"
- This is definitely a situation to be in.
- Soldier solemnly takes off his helmet and holds it to his chest, about to pledge his promise to kick his own ass for bothering you.
- Fortunately for the two of you, you have the best third wheel ever! Demoman!
- He takes it from here, laughing his ass off as he corrects the two of you and takes you home. There can only be one alcoholic on the team at a time, dammit!
- Very funny the morning after, with a comically sorrowful Soldier. You gotta remind him he's not a home wrecker 💔
Pyro:
- They don't drink, due to the mask, but they're having fun anyway!
- She zoomed over to you in a bout of giggles, wanting to show you how easy it was to make improvised molotov cocktails with the bottles she'd snatched when the bar tender wasn't watching.
- They tap you on the shoulder and you whirl around, blearily blinking at them like a frog.
- They gently place their hands on either sides of your arms as they excitedly mumbled to you about their great idea, but you pull back with a look of sleepy irritation.
- "Uh, I literally gave a partner..? Like, buzz off!" You blabber, holding onto the bar counter for support.
- Immediately he is mortified. You have AMNESIA!!!
- They nearly drop to their knees in a panic, hugging you tight to try and get you to remember them! Remember the good ol' days! I know you're still in there, somewhere!
- They're like a mother hen immediatly, trying to physically pick you up and run to the pay phone outside to call Medic. It's a huge mess.
- At some point you probably realize its your partner, laughing about it and totally back to normal, but they're still worried.
- Definitely the last time you get hammered with them without another party present, poor thing.
- She forces you to promise to never forget her again!!! You scared her!!! But you can make it up to her with cuddles ❤
Featuring: Engie, Pyro, Demo, Medic, Sniper, Spy, and Scout (individually)
Just wanted to make something cute! I know tumblr really likes headcanons and stuff so I thought I'd make some to get back into the swing of posting fan fic stuff on here again :]
dividers by strangergraphics
Engie:
It really depends on his mood at the moment, especially if he's currently working on something, but most of the time he'll be by your side to help you out.
He seems like the kind of guy to just make you a cup of coffee or tea, whichever you like best, and sit down at the table and let you rant about it while drinking his coffee. Very totally not because he does a similar thing with the administrator in the comics shut up
He also really likes cuddling, turning his workshop air down super low so the two of you can snuggle underneath a cozy blanket and not be too warm. That's usually the option he goes for if you don't want to talk about it, or if it's more of a matter of you being sad than angry or annoyed. He may also play his guitar if you'd like instead of cuddling.
In the event he's got his nose buried in some blue prints he probably won't even notice you're upset in the first place, too busy calculating things, making sure everything is tightened correctly, etc. You'll have to be more straightforward about being upset so if you're the kind to hide being upset then he definitely won't see it at all.
If he's not in a good mood, upset as well or something similar, he'll probably have you sit next to him while he works on something and hope that it helps calm you down too.
Pyro:
I'm gonna be a little non canon compliant for a moment bear with me I don't think Pyro is actually in Pyro vision 24/7 and/or does in fact know that Pyroland (and subsequently all their perceived good actions within Pyroland) isn't real. Citing the fact that they got offended by smokey bear in Pyro vision in the comics ☝️ nor do I think the Meet the Pyro short is an accurate representation of Pyroland, more like a dramatized version of how they described it to the director guy. because I say so :3
All in all pyro is pretty good at telling when you're upset, whether sad or angry, but what they do with that can be interesting
First they try sitting you down in a chair and handing you a lighter. They know that watching fire makes them particularly happy whether they have Pyro vision on or not, and somewhat guess that it might help the situation.
When they hand you the lighter they mumble something along the lines of "Talk it out", letting you flick the lighter on and off while you ramble. Now if this is effective really depends on you, I think it'd help someone out there. probably me.
If that doesn't help you they move on quickly to their next idea.
Next on the table is tucking you and themself into bed and holding you very close, almost like they would with a teddy bear or something similar. Their grip is nearly crushing honestly. But the mask and the suit stay on
If both of those fail they let you cry it out on their shoulder, or rant about it if you're feeling angry.
They're trying their best I swear they're just not extremely good at all this, their experience with comforting someone is pretty limited since most people see them as an unfeeling monster and wouldn't go to them for comfort of any sort. Let them know what makes you feel better after one of these situations if you can, it'll probably give them a better idea of what to do past frantically trying these three things and these three things alone. It makes them feel bad that they don't know what to do :[
Demo:
A lot people say things like oh he would probably take you out drinking or something but I don't genuinely think he'd do that, unless you want to.
I think he's more of a words of affirmation kind of guy, he'd tell you you're amazing if you're sad, tell you that it's gonna be okay, etc.
he'd probably do all this while teaching you how to make some basic explosives, maybe just to temporarily get back at whoever or maybe whatever made you upset if it was a physical thing or person. If you're the revenge type that is. He might just do the revenge part for you if you're not though.
He would probably do some things for you, make you a mug of tea if you like tea, make you a sandvich, something like that. Something simple but nice, make sure you're not dehydrated if you're crying.
Medic:
I honestly don't see him being very good at comforting much. He'd probably comfort you in a practical sense like for an example if you come to him with a problem like someone keeps picking on you he'll just try to resolve the issue, giving you advice on how to stand up for yourself, or more likely handing you his bone saw and telling you he needs more replacement body parts.
This is unless you ask for a specific thing, which he's much better at. You gotta be direct with him about what you want for comfort. Especially if you don't want him to respond with something like "Well why don't you just kill them? they seem very mean" or "I could get your some anti-depressants, do you think that'd help?"
He's not very good at cuddling if that's what you want but he'll try his absolute best, most likely you'll end up sitting on his lap (unless you're like. as tall and bulky as Heavy. He'd probably still try though let's be honest.) while he does some paper work. Or you'll end up lying on top of him with your face in his tits while he gently rubs your back.
Sniper:
This man is awkward and autistic as fuck. He probably also has low or fluctuating empathy (very totally not because I like projecting). You'll probably get some hugs if you like those and back rubs.
He is in fact the best at listening though, so if you like to rant! he's your best bet! he'll hang onto your every word. Unless he's working in which case you are effectively talking to a brick wall.
He can give some wise words when he wants but most of the time you'll get some hums in response or "That's rough, mate." It's not like he's completely silent, he just doesn't usually have much to say in the way of advice.
You will have to seek him out for comfort though. He of course likes to hang around but it's not like he watches your every move, and even at that he's not very good at reading emotions on people's faces.
Spy:
The biggest sap around. I think what he does depends on how long you have been in a relationship with him tbh.
I think in the beginning stages of your relationship, and/or relatively soon after you officially got together he'd still be trying to impress you to an extent. He'd probably plan out a whole huge nice dinner with you with candles and flowers and wine and stuff.
But later on in the relationship he won't be as over the top with all that, he'll still do something nice for you if you'd like but he's much more tame. I think he'd do some chores for you, like if you were the one supposed to do dishes for the base that day he'd wash all of them before you can even get to it. Practical things like that.
Of course he isn't opposed to sitting down in his smoking room and sharing a bottle of wine while you talk about it, him pitching in a few words of advice or reassurance.
Scout:
I feel like. he has a weird way of showing how he cares. due to the whole lots of brothers thing. Not in a bad way of course! it's just different from the others.
If it's something like someone else upset you he'll probably make a few jokes about killing them — though if they're really jokes is debatable considering your line of work — and maybe chew them out for you. Otherwise he's not very good in the comforting department.
I think if you're really upset, like genuinely depressed over something, he's likely to get a few snacks and some blankets and sit you down for a movie night or something– your pick of course.
Like, basically, take Spy. He's the opposite of that. While still trying to impress you. He does the opposite of what Spy does. While Spy goes all out and does like a fancy dinner at the beginning of your relationship, Scout goes for. not doing something big.
If spy were to do a fancy dinner Scout would get you fast food at let you cry or shout out all of your problems over shitty fried chicken and ice cream. And hey if you're really mad about something he'll set up a cool rage room outside the base and go ham on broken appliances and abandoned machines from Engie with you! Best way he's found to get all that anger out besides kicking the other team's ass and stealing Heavy's sanviches.
