OCD anon here again;;; (sorry..)
I had a flare up today and was convinced that no matter how many times I washed my hands, I couldn't get my dog's 'germs' off - I'd been playing with her in the garden, throwing a little ball which of course got wet and slimy with her mouth - usually I'm okay with washing my hands a few times, then a few scrubs antibacterial wipes, all good!
But oh man, today
Mind you, things were no different to any other day, not at all
I must've just been feeling particularly anxious about something which I can't remember because as soon as the flare up hits everything else is nothing compared to it
Well
I basically thought everything in my house was infected with dog germs. If I touched anything, a sofa, tv remote, chair, kitchen counter - it was there.
I hadn't touched anything.
Everything was fine.
I had to call in my parents to tell me that everything was fine.
Many, many times.
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
But - but -
Eventually I calmed down about my entirely spotless surroundings and just ended up washing my hands at least three more times until I was satisfied
Until I thought that I was okay.
Which of course...I was the whole time.
The worst thing is hindsight, when you look back on yourself and are like I'm so stupid and dumb. Replaying even that in your head.
But - here I go again with a Saeran request ~
I'll never stop feeling guilty for putting my parents through my antics almost every single day.
I'm like a whining leech, I must be...infuriating.
Actually, I know that I am.
Well, I know that my parents won't ever fully understand what it's like. But it does hurt when they sigh and puff and get very visibly irritated, and even laugh sometimes at my checking, like '...really? Come on.'
Oh yeah! What I meant to say all along was Saeran -
Kait, you and your writings are such a great comfort to all of us here.
But the way you write Saeran is just...perfect. I wanted to thank you for that! <3
Especially because what you've written for me before - even though you don't even have to answer - really cheers me up when I'm feeling skittish.
So I...I um - I'd really love a little cuddle and squeeze from Saeran today...and just go and lie on my bed and with all the lights down or even just off, so nothing's too jarring or distracting...
And just kind of nuzzle into him and cuddle all nice and warm and cozy!
... >.< <3 <3
On the worst days, that's when you can count on GE Saeran to hold you. he knows what you must be feeling when you give him that look that says all he needs to know about it. He hates that there isn't very much he can do to help you feel comfortable with your fears. But, he knows that being there for you, being sympathetic and considerate... that's really what matters to your needs is what matters at the end of the day.
You need someone who gets it and doesn't question why you must do something a dozen times to feel comfortable. He doesn't want the pain to get so bad that you wind up hurting yourself through any of it. Compulsions are hard to combat, and he doesn't want you to think of how you might make things harder on yourself.
What's important is that you have a safe space to feel what you need to feel. It doesn't matter how horribly silly you think you sound when the germs are close, to him it's something that people need to take seriously. You're not comfortable. It doesn't take much to make some minor adjustments for your sake.
Sure, you'll also need to work on some of your habits. But, putting all the work on your shoulders now and nobody else will never improve things. There are ways everyone can pitch in to make you feel safe in your body. It doesn't take much to be considerate. That's how Saeran feels about it.
He won't judge you when you come to him in tears about how tough it was for you to deal with your compulsion today.
He has an open-arm policy ready for you when you need him to be there. What do you need him to do? He'll do whatever you ask so things feel cleaner and safe, and he'll even wait for you to run through your steps so you're not alone when you need to repeat something a few times.
Mainly, he's just there when you need to be compressed in a hug that doesn't feel like you're suffocating. Which, sometimes, that's the best medicine for you. You just want to have no stimuli but the rocking of his heartbeat. The feeling of his hand stroking down your back is the best thing you could ever ask for, right?
"No matter how alone you feel in your fears, I will never leave you to suffer alone in the darkness. I will always be here to lull you to peace until you feel ready to come back to the light," he will murmur against the sound of your heartbeat. "Even if we fall into the darkness on the bad days, there will always be time to find the warmth later. But, for now, let's find peace from the cold together... until you feel ready to talk about it."
