I'm usually pretty open about everything - kink, smut, sex, morality, etc. including, I hope, mental health. But I don't know that I talk about it often as I could.
I'm not obligated to share things about myself. I choose to - I'm not obligated to write, draw, or even answer asks - I do these things because I find enjoyment in them, and I personally find extra enjoyment by creating a space that's comfortable for more than just me.
Today, is a bad day. I get them - I talk about getting them I know, I'm pretty open with "don't panic, I'm just taking a day away." or lower keyed, or some such.
One of the reasons I'm like that is because about three years ago I lost an exceptionally dear friend.
A... objectively good person, who was, at the time of his passing about a year younger than I was.
Far too young. Here one moment, gone the next.
Today is hard. The A/C is out, it's hot outside, there's three fans in the room and one in the window trying desperately to keep things cool and comfortable enough. Funnily enough my day job, that good old 9-5 is the least stressful thing I'm dealing with.
I passed out from the stress a bit ago. Not like, blacked out and hit the floor, but like, one minute I'm eating on the couch, the next it's 2 hours later and my throat hurts because I was leaned back snoring like some old geezer conked out for an afternoon nap.
Which was more stress - I missed waking up my spouse, missed the time I could've spent doing other things, missed - well.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I mean with this post. I'll be okay, I always am. I guess I wanted to let people know, as much as I appreciate that y'all look up to me, please do not ever make the mistake of thinking I'm, I don't know, endlessly in control, I guess.
I struggle, say dumb shit, make mistakes, have pretty severe panic attacks, am 100% depressed, am egregiously terrified of bugs (I cannot tell you how much I loathe the fact that the window is open right now), and certainly have plenty of times, moments... days - weeks, every now and again - where it's not ideal.
Being true to myself in the face of that is, probably, kind of cool. I can concede that much.
Whatever my point for this post was, in closing I'll say - you're not alone. You're 100% worth it. It's so much bullshit to hear "it does get better" because it does, but it's never fast enough I swear. It's okay to have it down pat and then just not. Mistakes are a part of life you'll be making them in your 70s, but so long as you can take something from learn - a lesson learned, a capacity expanded, an understanding that some mistakes will be things you repeat, despite your best laid plans, and that's okay.
I love you - as a friend, as an acquaintance, as a fellow member of the wildly variable and frustratingly complicated collective known as humans, and maybe even as something more.
