Hi! I do art, music, writing and acting!
I hope my interests are made clear through my posts, lol
You can call me Chilly or DJ, I don't really care ^^
I'm just a teen, trying to get through school and get their art out into the world.
Pronouns are any. :)
I’m not kidding. This is the time to act. Yes I know it’s short notice , but so is Netflix trying to remove Rise without any heads up. Spread this! Repost it! Everywhere. And I mean, everywhere. TikTok, twitter, Reddit, insta, Facebook. Stream the show/movie all day tomorrow and Saturday. Let’s flash mob this!
We’re going full on guerrilla streaming. Do. Not. Let. Them. Win! Reblog. Share. Fight. Protect the art you love.
Not sure why it's a new trend among fic readers to assume if the fic has not been posted within the week it's inappropriate to comment on it, like the fic has to be hot out of the oven to give feedback for.
I got a comment on a fic that is less than a year old and it was mostly an apology for being a comment on an "old fic" and how late they were in commenting.
Just comment on the fic. Doesn't matter how old it is.
Apologies that I have tried to function with my disabilities for all my life because I did not know I was disabled until a few years ago. If I had been diagnosed as a child, it would have been easier.
Apologies that my parent neglected me and traumatized me into functioning, which is why I was not diagnosed as a child.
Apologies that when I almost died, I went into a clinic (I did not even had a choice) that you do not like the name of, which is why you do not accept their papers. (Literally: JUST the NAME which does not have "psychiatry" in it but "psychotherapy".)
Apologies that I am still a bit functioning, but sure, let us wait a bit longer because in 1 or 2 years the system has me so broken that will not be able to work at all anymore.
Apologies that I want to exist with my disabilities and heal my trauma, which is why I wanted help from you, but I understand you do not want to.
Hot take: stress is stress. Stop fucking belittling it.
And the same goes for pain and overwhelm.
Why?
If you are drowning, the depth of the water is irrelevant. You are still drowning.
It doesn't matter if someone else might be more stressed or in more pain than you - yours is always valid.
Comparison & self-gaslighting just worsen your situation because they just cause more stress and don't help to solve anything.
"They are doing so much and yet still push through, and I want to take a break because I can't anymore, I shouldn't do that if they don't."
"They are far more hurting than I am because of [×]. I shouldn't request help, as they deserve the help more than me."
"Maybe I am imagining my sensory overload."
Important reminders:
Overwhelm is not a sign of weakness. Accept your struggles and try to work with them and not against them.
Free yourself from "oh but they". Are they you? No? Then please, here is the trash bin for your thought. Your feelings and your pain matter always.
Yes, you can ignore your pain & stress for a short period of time, and that is called dissociation.
But here is the thing: just because you refuse to acknowledge it, doesn't mean your body ✨️magically ✨️stops to feel it.
Your body doesn't consider what if's and people's opinions when it is in pain. Or in general really. That is all your brain. And that is often not a good thing ;]
The body just sends the notification of "ouch" since it only has itself to compare to.
If you continuesly ignore that notification, they will add up until they reach a point you can't ignore your body anymore.
I actually kinda teared up reading this cause I felt so seen. My family tends to "deny" (Moreso just try to not see/ downplay) that autism is a disability.
I also suffer from almost constant leg and back pain that in some rare cases makes me physically unable to walk or move much at all while I sob my heart out and just try to keep going because physically, there is nothing there. We have found nothing that would indicate that there's a physical problem. And often I doubt my own pain despite the fact that I sometimes lay on my bedroom floor, crying and just trying to crawl to my bed.
Long Story short, thanks for writing and posting this. I and many others who get overlooked and undermined, (much like you have been, from what I've gathered) really need to see that we aren't alone all the time.
I've been forced to break myself in half so many times while people just watch with idle hands and observe me struggle because if I could do it yesterday or last week, there is no reason why I can't do it now as well.
Their silent validation was the prize for knowing that I could do it if I just pushed myself into the ground a little harder to meet their needs. It's not that difficult, right?
I am continually held hostage by the expectation that having the skills to do something is the same as always having the ability to access those skills.
Spoiler: they are not the same.
But I'm high-functioning, right? I just need to try harder. "🥰" /s
And fuck the fact that Autism is an invisible disability too, yes? /s
Never mind that the word invisible might be indicative of the fact that you will only ever see the calm surface of the water and not the shipwrecks below the surface.
Apologies that I have tried to function with my disabilities for all my life because I did not know I was disabled until a few years ago. If I had been diagnosed as a child, it would have been easier.
Apologies that my parent neglected me and traumatized me into functioning, which is why I was not diagnosed as a child.
Apologies that when I almost died, I went into a clinic (I did not even had a choice) that you do not like the name of, which is why you do not accept their papers. (Literally: JUST the NAME which does not have "psychiatry" in it but "psychotherapy".)
Apologies that I am still a bit functioning, but sure, let us wait a bit longer because in 1 or 2 years the system has me so broken that will not be able to work at all anymore.
Apologies that I want to exist with my disabilities and heal my trauma, which is why I wanted help from you, but I understand you do not want to.
BTW if you didn't know. It's disability pride month. Just thought I'd let you know. I'm disabled myself.
You are correct, fellow anon!
Happy disability pride month! ✨️
As an autistic, I consider myself disabled too.
I don't think I need to elaborate on as to why.
Disability Pride Month is about calling out & fighting back against the wide variety of ableism that we’re put through every single day. It’s about advocating for the rights we’re denied & calling out the abuse we’re forced to swallow, preferably in silence, so we're 'no bother'.
It is about recognizing that we are worthy just the way we are & that we are no less than any other abled person.
We deserve to live to the fullest capacity the world can provide us, yes the WORLD - you are NOT the problem & you NEVER were.
We deserve to choose what we want & what we need & advocate for ourselves.
Happy Pride.
Whether you're newly disabled or have been for a long time, you love your disability or hate it, you are visible disabled or not, you're grieving your old non-disabled life or have accepted & moved on. The list could go on, but I think you get it.
You are important.
I am glad you're here.
I wish you all the best. 💜
- Your autistic bootyyyshaking purple turtle Donatello Hamato 🐢💜
camilo comes out to his family as gay at dinner, and introduces you as his boyfriend. abuela has accepted that her family isnt perfect, but she isnt quite ready to give up this part of her want for a "perfect family".
or:
camilo just wants to be himself for once.
——
camilo x male (he/him) reader :)
3k words
warnings: homophobic abuela (i do just want to say, shes not like this or a bad person in canon, i just needed someone to get this fic to flow into the hurt/comfort.), one line of self harm (camilo punches his own thigh out of anger—it stops almost as soon as it starts), hurt/comfort
cross-posted on ao3!!
——
"camilo, your boyfriend's here!" isabela called from the door where you stood, smirk prominent in the tone of her voice.
you were invited for dinner by the madrigals, mainly because camilo asked if you could come. you'd been dating for a while now, but acted only like best friends in front of people to keep yourselves secret. dolores knew, who told only isabela. camilo was amazed at how well she was keeping quiet—though, he knew she would never out him to the whole family—she had morals.
camilo slid down the stairs, which had turned flat under his feet. he bumped isabelas arm hard when he made it to the door. "isabela! dios mío, what if someone heard you?" he said through clenched teeth. isabela only smiled and turned, walking away. camilo looked at you, then looked at isabela as she walked, "plus, its only funny if you can shape-shift."
she left, an amused scoff escaping her after camilo spoke. camilos expression softened, he leaned against the door and made room for you to enter. "come in, amor."
you were nervous for tonight, and he knew you were, because he was too. he'd planned on telling his family his two biggest secrets tonight—his sexuality, and who he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. he wanted to get it all off his chest, and you were both ready to stop hiding, so why not over dinner?
his family was always like family to you, so why should you be nervous? his abuela may aswell have been yours, his cousins, siblings, tío's and tía's may aswell have been yours—you were always so welcome there, and tonight shouldnt change that, right?
you stepped in and camilo closed the door behind you. "dinner has already been prepared—you came just in time." a light smile was plastered on his face, eye full of adoration as he looked at you. even if you were late, god, he wouldnt care, he just wanted to see you.
he took your hand in his and led you to the dining room, where the majority of his family had already gathered. well, if you didnt feel like you were late before, you definitely did now. their stares at the hand holding were ignored by camilo, who just wanted to get you to your seats.
he'd already set out the plates of food for the both of you, his family seating themselves with their own. you squeezed his hand lightly as a way to say thank you to him for getting yours for you already.
camilo pulled out your chair for you, bowing slightly as you sat down.
"why, thank you." you grinned at him while he sat next to you. he was being more openly flirty tonight, and you enjoyed it a lot. he usually did his best to stay at least a few inches away from you while outside of his room, unable to trust his own abilities to keep his hands to himself, but today? today was new. you loved today.
dolores sat next to camilo, which she always did, but tonight it felt like she was there for moral support. you noticed out of the corner of your eye the nervous glances she continued to give camilo. under the table, camilos hand found yours, his other hand picking up a utensil. small conversations between family members struck, leaving camilo a nervous wreck wondering when the perfect time would be. you rubbed your thumb against the backside of his hand as comfort.
uncharacteristically of him, camilo was hardly touching his food. he stared into it, focusing on your touch and the conversations around you both, taking the occasional bite when he remembered to.
the more he thought about just outright saying it all to his family, the more panicky he was getting. when the table went silent, he barely noticed. he barely even noticed his own mother calling his name—he only noticed when you squeezed his hand to get his attention. he looked up at you, and then heard his name, to which he looked to pepa.
"whats wrong, camilo?" she asked gently.
"oh, its nothing, dont worry, mamí. i– i guess i wanted to say something." he mentioned, and pepa tilted her head in curiosity.
he had all of the table looking at him now, and it wasnt helping his nervousness. his face twisted as he turned his head to look at everyone. he opted to look down instead.
"well– i just.. you all have been telling me lately to get myself a girlfriend.." the energy shifted in the room. he opened his mouth to talk again, but wasnt able to get anything out when he was cut off.
"camilo, did you get a girlfriend?" félix asked, a proudness in his voice. dolores cringed, as did you.
"no. no, i didnt. well– close, i guess?" he mumbled the last bit, but everyone caught it. "i wanted to say, that.. i, uhm.." dolores could hear his heartbeat picking up. you felt his hand shift in yours, gripping yours tightly. "i would much rather have a boyfriend. and, i do. i'm.. dating y/n."
no one spoke. camilo could feel the panic building up higher and higher. dolores smiled, trying subtly to hype him up just enough to get the others to start talking.
mirabel, who sat across the table, clapped quietly a few times. "i'm proud of you, camilo."
camilo looked up at her and saw a bright smile on her face. he let his lips form a small smile to return to her. his eyes wandered away from her and onto you now, but you werent looking at him, you were looking at his abuela. he was unsure of the expression on your face, so he looked to his abuela for the answer.
her face was anything but proud. his heart dropped to his stomach.
so maybe her need for a 'perfect family' hadnt completely faded.
"you're..." she couldnt finish whatever she was saying. her expression was a mixture of any bad one she could muster up. camilo couldnt look anymore. he couldnt even bring himself to look at his other family members to see if they still loved him. "where did we go wrong?"
camilo slouched down, his hand loosening from yours. you tried to meet his eyes, but he wouldnt look up. camilo let go of your hand completely and stood up to leave the table—he couldnt handle the terrible, judging silence anymore. you stood up immediately after, refusing to look at anyone at the table. you reached for camilos hand, but he moved it from your reach before he could.
"madre!" you could hear pepas frustrated voice pipe up, faded as you followed camilo up the stairs to his room. camilo opened his door and left it, wordlessly letting you know he was okay with you being with him. "how could you say something like that?" thunder boomed as you closed the door behind you.
when you turned around, you watched camilo drop to his knees right in front of his bed. he began sobbing into the mattress in front of him. you got to him as fast as you could, skidding to your knees next to him. unsure if touching him would make it worse, you stayed right by him for him to make the first move.
his breath hitched far too often, so uneven it sounded painful.
"cant breathe-" he choked through a broken sob. "c– cant—"
"camilo, hey, you're okay. can i touch you?" a simple, small nod, and your arms were looped around his shoulders. he turned to his side and let himself sob into your shoulder, hands going to tightly grip your shirt to ground himself. you could feel just how bad his breathing was now.
"amor, i need you to breathe, okay? please? lets just breathe for a moment." your hand met his neck and rubbed gently. "listen to my breathing, only that." you leveled your own breathing for him to focus on, and you could tell, underneath his sobs, he was really trying to do just that.
one of his tightly gripping hands unclenched and pressed flat into your chest just to feel it expand with every breath. it helped him get grounded as best he could.
"you're doing great, mi amado. this is all you have to do right now. just breath. nothing else. no chores, no talking, you dont even have to think—just take some breaths." the way his breath wobbled when he inhaled, the way he would choke out a sob everytime he exhaled, it broke you. why were some people so cruel?
though it wasnt the best, his breathing was even enough to not be considered hyperventilating anymore, and that was good enough for you. for him too, apparently, because as soon as he let his hand fall from your chest, the waterworks came forth.
his body jerked forward into you, his arms wrapping around you in a quick, harsh hug as he pressed his face as hard into your shoulder as he could to stop his own crying. it didnt work, at all, because it only made him cry harder. his teeth clenched, fists balled on your back.
"you'll give yourself a headache if you hold it back, camilo.. you're safe here, you can let it out." you held him close, face pressing into his hair. you planted a kiss to his head, and he let the dam break freely. it was the same sobs he started with, but they werent paired with hyperventilation this time, thanks to you.
"i thought i could, i– i just wanted t – to be myself."
"i know.." you held him just slightly tighter, voice muffled by his hair. "you deserve to be yourself, especially with your familia. i'm so sorry, mi vida."
he took in a shaky breath, let out a few cries through his lips, which were sealed shut out of frustration. "i never get to be me. i never..–" his fists got tighter, and he let his arms fall. his voice was so broken, so quiet. "i always have to be someone im not. i hate this. i hate this. i hate–" he hadnt realized his fists had been slamming onto his own thighs under you had to stop him from hurting himself too much. you reacted quickly, by the second hit, you were already holding his hands back from a third.
"we'll figure this out. i wont let your abuela treat you like that—or anyone else. te prometo." you held his hands so gently, as if he were going to fall apart from your touch. "te amo porque eres tu, mi amor."
you didnt need an answer. the way he held onto you as if his life depended on it was enough.
camilo began relaxing against you, his cries getting softer as time went on. he let you hold his hands, something so comforting about it.
"how about we move up to your bed, hm?" you suggested softly. he nodded against you and let you guide his weak body up to sit on his bed. he sat and brought his knees up to his chest on the mattress, then rested his head in his arms.
you pulled him into a side hug and stayed with him like that, until there was a knock on his door.
"camilo? ..y/n?" it was pepa. another knock came, she sounded impatient and desperate to see her son.
"..cielo, tu madre.." you mentioned quietly, pulling his attention towards the knocking at the door. he looked up, then over at you. you hadnt met his eyes until now, and it completely broke you. they were so red, so full of tears, so upset. the look he gave you, though—he wanted his mother. you nodded towards the door, and he nodded back at you. with that, you got up and answered it.
"how is he? is he okay? please let me see my boy." she bombarded you with words, speaking so quickly it took a second to process her words. the cloud over her head was dark, but no activity came from it. you looked back at camilo, then to his mother again.
" 's not doing well." you said quietly, then stepped aside for her to enter.
you watched her rush to his side. "oh, camilo," his feet slid off the bed to allow room for a hug.
"mamí.." and he was crying into her shoulder, arms tight around her, just as they had been around you moments before.
camilo wasnt one to hide the fact that he was a mamas boy, especially not around you, and you knew that. he needed his mother. you were more than happy that pepa wasnt like his abuela.
you sat yourself in a small chair set near camilos bed after closing the door again and let pepa comfort her son.
"why cant i just be me, mama?" he asked, desperate for any answer that would make the pain go away.
"mi tesoro, you can be you. i talked to your abuela, she doesnt understand, but i made her promise she wont talk to you like that ever again."
"she doesnt love me." he mumbled into her shoulder, trying way too hard to stop crying again.
"she loves you, she loves you so much, camilo. i promise. we all do. this wont change a thing. she'll get used to it in time." camilo gripped onto his mothers dress, teeth clenched. "oh, mijo, i'm so proud of you for telling us. and i'm so happy you found someone who loves you just as much as we do." pepa side-eyed you for a moment, a smile on her face specifically for you. although she looked away before you could return it, you still smiled back at her.
"gracias.." his voice wobbled.
"te quiero camaleón."
"yo también te quiero mamí."
she held camilo for a few more minutes, silence filling the room. you watched how she kissed his head anytime camilo took in a harsh post-sob breath. he sounded like he was beginning to fall asleep in his mothers arms.
"i'm going to get you and y/n some water and a few snacks, since your plates were hardly touched, okay?" camilo hesitated, then nodded. she let go of him and stood up, shooting you a loving look before leaving the room.
camilo stared into his bed sheets, unmoving besides his shoulders shaking slightly. he looked up at you with eyes that almost pleaded for you to come to him. unsure of if that was the message, you stayed in your chair until he outstretched his arms towards you. how could you not hug him? you got up and joined him as soon as his arms lifted.
"te amo." you kissed his cheek, and he leaned into the gentle notion.
he leaned away from the short hug and pulled you into a proper kiss, eyes closing as your lips met. you leaned into his kiss, which forced him backwards into a laying position. your lips moved against his lazily moving ones, feeding as much love into the gesture as you possibly could.
"i.. love.. you.." you spoke, each word emphasized by a peck to his lips. you hovered over him, your legs laying beside him while your arms held you up. "i love you." you kissed him again, "i love you." and again, repeating the words in both english and spanish, peppering kisses all over his face.
he cracked a very small smile. success.
while you were trying your best to kiss every single freckle on his face—making sure to proclaim your love whenever you moved to another one—he let out the quietest giggle.
"yo también te amo, mi vida– te amo–" he said through growing laughter, attempting to get you to stop. it didnt work, though, because you only kept going. you were determined. you kissed down his jaw, then his neck, where he was quite ticklish. "¡te amo! i love you! ¡ya basta! ¡basta!"
his hands pushing you off, desperate proclamations of his own love flowing from his lips wasnt what got you to stop—it was when you looked up and realized pepa was halfway to his bed with a plate of snacks and some drinks carefully balanced in her arms. you sat up quickly, clearing your throat to try and cover the growing embarrassment.
she set everything down on camilos sidetable—which was quite messy, leaving barely any room for the plate and cups—and pressed a sweet kiss to camilos cheek, which was red from embarrassment.
then, she whispered to him, just loud enough that you knew she wanted you to hear it too, "if he's not treating you perfectly, if he makes you sad even once, you tell me, got it?" she said in a tone that was anything but stern. you both knew she meant it, but it wasnt at all said in a rude way. then, she looked up at you, "thank you for taking care of mijo, y/n. you are always welcome here—you already knew that. and if mi camaleón makes you sad, you tell me, too." she pointed at you, a smile on her lips.
"he could never make me sad, mamí. and i dont have it in me to upset him. i could never." he spoke in the same lighthearted tone that his mother had used, voice still low and somewhat hoarse from the sobs that had now left him completely.
"mhm, mhm, whatever you say. y/n, you promise you'll take perfect care of him, right?"
"of course. i wouldnt want to do anything else."
"madre," camilo said, a whine in the word, "when has he ever done anything wrong to me?"
"you're right, just making sure!" she threw her hands up in defence. "i will leave you two be now.. if either of you need anything, dont be shy. i'm right here. and i promise, you are both so loved."
"gracias."
"gracias, mamí."
you both said at the same time. she smiled once more at the both of you before turning and leaving, not without one last concerned look at her son through the final inch of the door before it closed.
camilo wrapped his arms around you and pulled you down to lay with him as soon as the door shut.
"you make me feel happy."
"it's called returning the favour." you smiled before pressing a quick kiss to his lips.
camilo put a hand on your cheek and initiated the kiss this time, making it last a few moments longer.
"te adoro, cariño." you whispered against his lips.
"te aprecio, mi vida." he whispered back.
after eating whatever pepa brought you both, you two stayed in each others arms for the rest of the night. it took quite a while for sleep to capture you both, but it came in time. if camilo woke up crying a few times, he didnt have to tell you, because you would be up almost immediately just from feeling him move in your arms, and you were always ready to hug him and tell him he was okay.
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