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@thecutestkong
Wrinkly: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous; if it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Funky: What if it bites me and it dies?
Cranky: That means you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Funky, learn to listen.
DK: What if it bites itself and I die?
Lanky: It’s voodoo.
Diddy: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Dixie: That’s correlation, not causation.
Tiny: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?
Swanky: That’s kinky.
Candy: Oh my god.
I'm shocked I haven't seen someone draw kong yuri yet
@thecutestkong "I hear DK hasn't touched you in years, well you can be my Katie Brown, and I'll be your Calamity Jane."
"I... I'm getting some mixed messages here... are you a homewrecker, or aren't you?!"
"@barrelroyale, you want the Banandium, I want the Banandium, perhaps we should stay here and formulate our own strategy? A little tête-à-tête, inner circle, that sort of thing? We don't have to tell @thecutestkong. What happens on Ingot Isle, stays on Ingot Isle."
"Maybe don't tag his girlfriend if you're trying to get him to cheat on me? Well... I guess the last 'banana brained' version of him would have, you're wearing lipstick... that's apparently all it takes for him. Anyways! You leave my man alone!"
The groovy males guys need love (and a day) too.
https://www.deviantart.com/chucha616/art/Happy-Male-s-Day-820871662
The international men’s day is Nov 19, but i made this to late TTnTT
“Ingeborg Breines, director of the Women and Culture of Peace Program of Unesco, supported the initiative to choose an international day for men, and considered it "an excellent idea that will provide some balance between the sexes ”, and was interested in cooperating.“
Wiki Men’s Day https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Men%27s_Day
21 Nov 2019 is the DKC’s 25th anniversary <3 <3 <3
“Why do the men get so many holidays? Like did you know today is ‘Steak and Knobber Day’ (That’s apparently how they pronounce ‘blowjob’ in Britain)? Popstar Christina Agorilla encourages naughty fans to do the same. I mean, if he didn't dump me to chase Tiny, then give up on her because... she was into it? (I'm not entirely sure what his problem was?)
In any case, let's hope my next boyfriend actually apreciates me. Also this post is five years old, so Happy 30th Anniversary, DKC!"
@theherothestars
//I couldn’t get that stupid ‘Make your muse a teddy bear!’ thing working. It’s in some crazy foreign moonspeak, and when I push the buttons nothing happens. So, sorry, none of us will be doing this meme.
Medicinal Sexploitation
"@kongnextdoor, you dunderhead! I told you never to tag me in posts that could get our accounts flagged."
I made your blonde last night. Now others will notice u ^W^
“Well, this is just great… my hair is ruined. Absolutely ruined! What sort of unadulterated idiot dyes their hair blonde? My life is ooover!!”
“Hey! Why did you tag me?”
Festival of Wife
“You reeeally wanna go this route? I planned this entire Marriage: Impossible mission just so you could have your baby you want so much. You could, theoretically, have as many as you wanted, with the financial part all taken care of. Personally, I don’t even want kids, but there are other reasons.
Do you know what it’s like going through life with parents of different species? No you don’t. You are 100% Gorilla… the ‘master race’ as it were, you’ve never had to deal with being too tall for a chimpanzee and too short for a gorilla. Kids don’t call you ‘mestizo’ which evidently means half-breed. I just can’t bring a child into this world only to force them into dealing with all the unholy monkey-racism there is.” she smiled, yeah she did use the ‘m’ word just to tick Candy off, but she was still kind of pissed about the alcohol.
“I assume Bluster is purebred, so there is a slight chance the child will be gorilla enough that nobody with tease them, but that comes with other complications. Because of the size, it would definitely have to be cesarean, plus it’s just… all the risks go down after you hit 20, then they go back up after, what was it, 35 I think? You’re in the perfect fertile sweet-spot where nothing can go wrong, and I’m still a teenager for almost 2 more years where all the horror stories take place.
Being a well-to-do trophy wife sounds nice, but if I have to risk my life, forget it. You, on the other hand wouldn’t be risking your life. There is one last thing to consider though… we do have 5 years, right? If You can help me ‘accidentally miss’ all my ovulating days for two whole years, all while pretending to try and get pregnant… no, that will never work. Look, just say ‘No’ alright? You obviously don’t want to do it, right? We already each own restaurants, in New Donk! That’s pretty impressive, we’re already higher middle-class, what do we need Bluster for?”
It was a good thing she had taken her Ativan, even knowing that Tiny was calling apes monkeys just to push her buttons, didn’t make it any less upsetting. Technically, it made it worse, ignorance was one thing, but doing it on purpose was unforgivable! But the drugs had kicked in and things didn’t seem so bad… maybe she was just from that @torvocomics universe where they’re Barbary Macaques or something?
Another thing the drugs were working on was making this ‘Marriage: Impossible’ scheme seem possible. If we weren’t technically arguing on Bluster’s thread I would probably change the title. Of course that means he can see everything that we’re planning… but it’s alright I know the Mun*, and he won’t godmod us.
“Alright, okay, fine. With one change, you tell him that you’re sterile; don’t worry about the particulars, I know a Doctor that will forge any papers you want for money. But after you hit 20, you’re having the next kid. One to make sure you’re ‘all in’ and two because you can’t make me suffer this alone. If all goes well, we have a big and strong ‘purebred’ firstborn ready to protect his or her sibling if they have chimp traits… although, kids don’t actually need a reason to be cruel. I think they actually choose targets first, then make up reasons to hate them later… but either way we’ve got it covered.
Oh… and about your pregnancy, we can call it a Festival Miracle… or something, the fact that it’s his and that he already has an heir should make up for our… whatever the fancy word for lying is. So, how about that?”
“It’s not ‘Dr. Wario’ is it? Because that’s going to raise a few red flags. We still have a few bugs to work out, like what to do when I’m ovulating, if I’m ‘sterile’ there’s no way he’ll be using condoms. Do you think guys can feel diaphragms? Also with one of those inserted, I won’t technically be lying when I say that I’m sterile, or that I can’t have kids. If we’re lucky, he never asks why and we don’t even have to show him the forged papers or perjurer ourselves.
Then two-to-three years down the line when I am preggers, we can reveal why I was unable to have kids. And if he gets mad, we say ‘because you never asked’ and watch him do the deer-in-the-headlights face. Besides, he’ll have knocked two chicks up, how mad could he really be? So, we’ve finally reached an agreement then? Do you want to approach Bluster together, or should I introduce him to this idea myself, then we contact you later?”
“Might as well both do it now, while I’m still drunk. Maybe I should finish the bottle first? And then we can find out if we’re even going to need a note from your doctor. It’s Waluigi. He’s just as shady as Wario and just as money-grubbing, but he has excellent penmanship. He’s able to forge the signatures of hundreds of much better, and quite frankly, real doctors. That won’t raise suspicion, will it?
Anyway, call him now. Ativan only works for about an hour, and I just don’t have the poker face you do.”
Festival of Wife
“You reeeally wanna go this route? I planned this entire Marriage: Impossible mission just so you could have your baby you want so much. You could, theoretically, have as many as you wanted, with the financial part all taken care of. Personally, I don’t even want kids, but there are other reasons.
Do you know what it’s like going through life with parents of different species? No you don’t. You are 100% Gorilla… the ‘master race’ as it were, you’ve never had to deal with being too tall for a chimpanzee and too short for a gorilla. Kids don’t call you ‘mestizo’ which evidently means half-breed. I just can’t bring a child into this world only to force them into dealing with all the unholy monkey-racism there is.” she smiled, yeah she did use the ‘m’ word just to tick Candy off, but she was still kind of pissed about the alcohol.
“I assume Bluster is purebred, so there is a slight chance the child will be gorilla enough that nobody with tease them, but that comes with other complications. Because of the size, it would definitely have to be cesarean, plus it’s just… all the risks go down after you hit 20, then they go back up after, what was it, 35 I think? You’re in the perfect fertile sweet-spot where nothing can go wrong, and I’m still a teenager for almost 2 more years where all the horror stories take place.
Being a well-to-do trophy wife sounds nice, but if I have to risk my life, forget it. You, on the other hand wouldn’t be risking your life. There is one last thing to consider though… we do have 5 years, right? If You can help me ‘accidentally miss’ all my ovulating days for two whole years, all while pretending to try and get pregnant… no, that will never work. Look, just say ‘No’ alright? You obviously don’t want to do it, right? We already each own restaurants, in New Donk! That’s pretty impressive, we’re already higher middle-class, what do we need Bluster for?”
It was a good thing she had taken her Ativan, even knowing that Tiny was calling apes monkeys just to push her buttons, didn’t make it any less upsetting. Technically, it made it worse, ignorance was one thing, but doing it on purpose was unforgivable! But the drugs had kicked in and things didn’t seem so bad... maybe she was just from that @torvocomics universe where they’re Barbary Macaques or something?
Another thing the drugs were working on was making this ‘Marriage: Impossible’ scheme seem possible. If we weren’t technically arguing on Bluster’s thread I would probably change the title. Of course that means he can see everything that we’re planning... but it’s alright I know the Mun*, and he won’t godmod us.
“Alright, okay, fine. With one change, you tell him that you’re sterile; don’t worry about the particulars, I know a Doctor that will forge any papers you want for money. But after you hit 20, you’re having the next kid. One to make sure you’re ‘all in’ and two because you can’t make me suffer this alone. If all goes well, we have a big and strong ‘purebred’ firstborn ready to protect his or her sibling if they have chimp traits... although, kids don’t actually need a reason to be cruel. I think they actually choose targets first, then make up reasons to hate them later... but either way we’ve got it covered.
Oh... and about your pregnancy, we can call it a Festival Miracle... or something, the fact that it’s his and that he already has an heir should make up for our... whatever the fancy word for lying is. So, how about that?”
You got your ears on?
“@kongnextdoor if you’re expecting me to reblog that, you’re outta your mind. Don’t tag me in posts that could get both our accounts banned... or flagged... depending on how tumblr’s feeling at the moment.”
Festival of Wife
“You’ve really put a lot of time and effort into this plan, haven’t you? You’ve created this Mission: Impossible type marriage scam where all these things have to happen exactly right… only instead of 90 minutes, we’re talking about at least 20-40 years before the old lady kicks off. And all of this is just so you don’t have give birth yourself. You scare me woman. You genuinely scare me, look at this, I’ve got goosebumps.” she held her arm out.
“You know what? I’m going to take an Ativan… maybe two.” and with that she stood up and left to go to the employee restroom at her cafe where the apes were… which has only just now been mentioned. A minute later she came out with two pills in hand and grabbed a $20 bottle of wine from behind the counter. She poured herself a glass, took the pills and drank it. Then she poured a second glass and drank that too, then she grabbed the bottle and went back to the table where Tiny was sitting.
“Now… supposing I even run with this plan for the time being. Do you have any idea just how much precision this is going to take? Even if you get me on board, and through some miracle you get Bluster on board, how in the world are you planning to sway ‘Mumzy’? No one’s ever actually met her, except Bluster, and Bluster fears her! I mean, okay, granted, he is scarred of quite a lot of things, but… it’s just incredibly risky, y’know? How can you be so calm about all of this?”
“You’re such a worrywart, we’re talking about someone’s mom here. The worst she could be is an entitled parent, which is kind of annoying, but it’s nothing compared to the shit I’ve put up with these last couple of months. Okay, let’s say she’s the worst sort of person imaginable, and she literally makes up reasons to hate us and says whatever she needs to be right at that moment even if everyone knows she’s wrong, even if it directly contradicts something she said two minutes prior. Let’s assume all that, plus that she’s a Trump supporter because she’s rich, so statistically she must be. By then, you’ve already got his child and all that alimony, if I piss her off so much that she allows divorce, I get half his fortune. And as my partner in all of this, and because there’s no possible way to spend all that money in a dozen lifetimes, I’ll give you half of my half.”
Tiny pours herself a glass of the wine, “It’s not like every problem life throws at you is a total deal breaker, sometimes you’ve just got to roll with it and change your plans. ‘Mumzy’ might even be a pleasure to be around, and you’ve spent all this time worrying about nothing at all. So, what do you say?” she held up her glass as if to make a toast, “Are you in or out?”
“Up-bup-bup-bup-bup–” she grabbed the glass out of Tiny’s hand. “You’re already playing with fire by vagueing her, she’ll have a shit hemorrhage if she finds out you role play under-aged drinking. The legal drinking age in New York– I mean Donk is still 21, just like everywhere else. I looked it up, apparently it was 19 back in 1982 or something, but you still fall short of that anyways. So it’s not happening here.” she drank Tiny’s glass and set it face down.
((Also, Mumzy is not supposed to be a stand in for any real-world person, she’s an actual character from the show… who was just never seen. IDK, you and Kirmun are like two hornets’ nests and you’re always whacking each other with sticks and pointing at the other one and I’m always stuck in the middle. Can you at least complain about her in separate posts, and not integrate it into our RPs?))
“So since you’re 26 you get to abuse prescribed medicine, and take it with alcohol? Whatever, no toast then, just answer the question, are you in or out? I can’t do this without you, so I either need you onboard, or I need to look into how to file restraining orders. That wouldn’t be at the DMV would it? Is there some other place you go for these things, because I don’t want to pay a lawyer $200 an hour to ask them.”
“I’m only 25! DK’s 26, whereas I am a delicate young, spring chicken. And why can’t you do it yourself? You haven’t actually had the operation yet, there’s literally nothing stopping you from pushing baby Bluster Junior out of your hoo-haw!” Candy glared daggers at Tiny.
Festival of Wife
“You’ve really put a lot of time and effort into this plan, haven’t you? You’ve created this Mission: Impossible type marriage scam where all these things have to happen exactly right… only instead of 90 minutes, we’re talking about at least 20-40 years before the old lady kicks off. And all of this is just so you don’t have give birth yourself. You scare me woman. You genuinely scare me, look at this, I’ve got goosebumps.” she held her arm out.
“You know what? I’m going to take an Ativan… maybe two.” and with that she stood up and left to go to the employee restroom at her cafe where the apes were… which has only just now been mentioned. A minute later she came out with two pills in hand and grabbed a $20 bottle of wine from behind the counter. She poured herself a glass, took the pills and drank it. Then she poured a second glass and drank that too, then she grabbed the bottle and went back to the table where Tiny was sitting.
“Now… supposing I even run with this plan for the time being. Do you have any idea just how much precision this is going to take? Even if you get me on board, and through some miracle you get Bluster on board, how in the world are you planning to sway ‘Mumzy’? No one’s ever actually met her, except Bluster, and Bluster fears her! I mean, okay, granted, he is scarred of quite a lot of things, but… it’s just incredibly risky, y’know? How can you be so calm about all of this?”
“You’re such a worrywart, we’re talking about someone’s mom here. The worst she could be is an entitled parent, which is kind of annoying, but it’s nothing compared to the shit I’ve put up with these last couple of months. Okay, let’s say she’s the worst sort of person imaginable, and she literally makes up reasons to hate us and says whatever she needs to be right at that moment even if everyone knows she’s wrong, even if it directly contradicts something she said two minutes prior. Let’s assume all that, plus that she’s a Trump supporter because she’s rich, so statistically she must be. By then, you’ve already got his child and all that alimony, if I piss her off so much that she allows divorce, I get half his fortune. And as my partner in all of this, and because there’s no possible way to spend all that money in a dozen lifetimes, I’ll give you half of my half.”
Tiny pours herself a glass of the wine, “It’s not like every problem life throws at you is a total deal breaker, sometimes you’ve just got to roll with it and change your plans. ‘Mumzy’ might even be a pleasure to be around, and you’ve spent all this time worrying about nothing at all. So, what do you say?” she held up her glass as if to make a toast, “Are you in or out?”
“Up-bup-bup-bup-bup--” she grabbed the glass out of Tiny’s hand. “You’re already playing with fire by vagueing her, she’ll have a shit hemorrhage if she finds out you role play under-aged drinking. The legal drinking age in New York-- I mean Donk is still 21, just like everywhere else. I looked it up, apparently it was 19 back in 1982 or something, but you still fall short of that anyways. So it’s not happening here.” she drank Tiny’s glass and set it face down.
((Also, Mumzy is not supposed to be a stand in for any real-world person, she’s an actual character from the show... who was just never seen. IDK, you and Kirmun are like two hornets’ nests and you’re always whacking each other with sticks and pointing at the other one and I’m always stuck in the middle. Can you at least complain about her in separate posts, and not integrate it into our RPs?))
Festival of Wife
“You’ve really put a lot of time and effort into this plan, haven’t you? You’ve created this Mission: Impossible type marriage scam where all these things have to happen exactly right... only instead of 90 minutes, we’re talking about at least 20-40 years before the old lady kicks off. And all of this is just so you don’t have give birth yourself. You scare me woman. You genuinely scare me, look at this, I’ve got goosebumps.” she held her arm out.
“You know what? I’m going to take an Ativan... maybe two.” and with that she stood up and left to go to the employee restroom at her cafe where the apes were... which has only just now been mentioned. A minute later she came out with two pills in hand and grabbed a $20 bottle of wine from behind the counter. She poured herself a glass, took the pills and drank it. Then she poured a second glass and drank that too, then she grabbed the bottle and went back to the table where Tiny was sitting.
“Now... supposing I even run with this plan for the time being. Do you have any idea just how much precision this is going to take? Even if you get me on board, and through some miracle you get Bluster on board, how in the world are you planning to sway ‘Mumzy’? No one’s ever actually met her, except Bluster, and Bluster fears her! I mean, okay, granted, he is scarred of quite a lot of things, but... it’s just incredibly risky, y’know? How can you be so calm about all of this?”
Festival of Wife
“I’ve been thinking about you too. You know how you want to be a mother, and the only guy who’s interested is not compatible or whatever? Also, remember our plan for me to smuggle Bluster’s semen for you? Well, his mom said that the child had to be his, but she never said it had to be mine. What if, we told her my tubes were tied before I met him, then do the operation just in case, and say that you can’t control who you fall in love with, or some romantic nonsense like that. So he needs to hire a nanny-dash-wet nurse, plus surrogate mother or something… we’ll work out your job description later. That way he gets his heir, you get your child, and I get to be a rich trophy wife, everyone wins!
It’s like a Mission Impossible mission where we scam some old lady out of an inheritance… except, I guess she does get an actual grandchild so it’s not even really a scam. So there’s even no victim! Win-win-win! What do you say?”
“But. I. Don’t. Want. Bluster’s. DNA! He’s the absolute snootiest of fuckboys, and I refuse to even consider it. No, no, no, a thousand times no, a million times no!”
((Are you setting up a ‘Gilligan flip’ or something?))
“I would never! If I was ever going to have a kid with him, I would be the trophy wife, Tiny serves no purpose.
...
unless...
except...
...
If I’m not his wife I don’t have to spend any actual time with him, or even pretend to like him. Then I could raise the kid to not be a douchecanoe and we can test out that whole ‘nature vs nurture’ thing. Oh... but ‘Mumzy’ would never go for it, having me have the kid would be like a divorce and I assume she’s very republican-- er favors traditional family values. Unless you wanted him to have full custody, in which case, no, a billion times no, that literally defeats the entire purpose of having kids. That’s basically you using my womb because you’re afraid it would stretch you out or something and I get literally no benefit from it.
Find yourself another girl, or birth the baby yourself, coward!”
Festival of Wife
“@kongnextdoor, I need a Trophy wife by the next Festival of Lights. How can I explain this… have you ever seen the movie ‘The Bachelor’? Basically mumsy is going to cut me off unless I get married, and Candy has proven… difficult. So, what do ya say? There’s lots of money in it for you too! With access to the Bluster fortune you can buy all the dresses and chocolate bon-bons you want, or whatever it is girls like.
Oh, and you have to produce a grandchild within five years, and it has to be mine… but that should be easy enough, right? It’s only 2-5 minutes of work a day until you get pregnant, and then the worst is over! Oh, and it should go without saying, but you can’t ever divorce me or mumsy will hunt you down and have you secretly killed… but, now that I’ve warned you it will never happen, right?
So, anyway, think about it; convince Candy if you can, if not it’ll have to be you or Dixie. I’ll come by tomorrow for your answer.”
“NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE–”
“The Festival of Lights is coming up and I need a definitive answer from you, I brought along this piece of paper in case my blushing bride-to-be is too shy to answer in person.
“I still can’t believe your dumb ass is every blog I’ve ever interacted with ever… almost. Next you’ll be telling me that you’re also Maxie, but you just forgot to add him to the list. It doesn’t look like you’ll be accepting ‘no’ as an answer… we’ll get to how unbearably unhealthy that is later, I can’t divorce you, but can I hire @funkycountry as a pool boy or something and bang him a whole bunch?
And if I ever find a real man with a real penis that’s over 12cm can I bang him too? The thing is, literally all you have to offer is money, I don’t need money. My piroshki business is doing… alright… so I’d only agree if we can have an open marriage. And that, of course means you can still chase Candy, so there’s that.
So, uh, boom counteroffer! Just you think about that! I’ll come by tomorrow for your answer.”
“For the love of all that is Holy, don’t send him after me! First of all, do talk about ‘how unbearably unhealthy’ and, quite frankly rape-y his behavior is. Talk about it now, and get him to stop before you agree to anything, even if he agrees to let you cuckold him. But mostly make sure he knows that I am off limits, tell him to buy prostitutes or something, IDK. I’ve got my own restaurant now, so I never have to pretend to be polite to Bluster ever again, as long as I live!”
torvocomics
Well this little buddy is a monkey but don't have tail https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbary_macaques_in_Gibraltar
//Thank you for responding, though technically avoiding the question... “Am I The Asshole for correcting everybody?” Anyway, you’re the first person to actually point out one of the exceptions and I applaud you for being informed. I also would have accepted that Dixie, Tiny, Chunky, and Kiddy had all just lost their tails at some point... though that explanation would seem a bit silly.
07/15/2019
“Four Beautiful Ladies mentioned me yesterday? I just feel so… Flattered.”
Blushes intestesly.
@askwendyokoopa @thecutestkong @corsaircaptain @discosue
“Wait… you sent us all that thing first. Why would you tag us if you didn’t want replies?”
“I vote we celebrate with one of those ‘Rainbow Parties’ I’ve heard so much about.” she lifts up @thecutestkong‘s arm, “… and Candy seconds it!” she grins evilly.
Candy pulls her arm away, “Hey, that’s godmodding!”
To which Wendy replied, “No, grabbing your arm is only rude and invades your personal space. God modding is where one Mun takes control of another Mun’s character, there’s a huge difference!”
“...” Candy was taken aback. Wendy was right (for once) the previous interaction was not actually godmodding. However, the way the message was delivered was very ‘meta.’
