Good parents Jack and Maddie crying as their baby boy goes off to college. They've turned off the portal and are in the process of correcting their initial findings so everyone in town tries to avoid them otherwise you will be subjected to the new findings which mark ecto entities as sapient and therefore deserving of rights or gushing about how Danny is off to college since his small business pays so well. He did so well he rejected the scholarships from Gotham University because he said it would be better going to someone who needs it and they did such a good job raising him because look at how successful and generous he is!
The business in question is more of a cheat since being king of the infinite Realms means he is fluent in any language to exist. Safe, dead, or extinct the status of a language doesn't matter to him. With Technus's help he sets up and online portal where people can submit pictures or copies of stuff for him to translate at a premium price. He refuses to take any money from the fruit loop and the money he learns will go towards his clone's schooling when she gets to that point. Right now she is using it for her travels and sending them postcards.
People who claim his translations as their own get black listed with a huge fee coming out of their bank account for the breach of contract. He is trying to keep his business on the down low so those breakthroughs that get on the news are not what he is looking for. His main demographic is rich snobs with private art collections. What Danny doesn't know is that his main customers are the Justice League.
There are some clues but he kinda ignores them. Like when a document submitted is a summoning ritual he sends back a partial translation since the summoning is not good (there are worst beings they could summon but it will still be a hassle) however revealing knowledge of the banishment is harmless.
Gotham cultists hate him because they know he can translate the whole document/book but all of their attempts to trace the sage of tongues (trying to give invisobill kinda vibes) they find a dead end. They try submitting from different computers, locations, routers, anything, but just end up giving Danny more money lol
The Justice League is almost in tears because the jusyice league dark could not agree on the translation of the banishment ritual and everything they tried before had failed.
His favorite translations are the stories that give alien vibes. They talk about certain structures (he thinks it might be structures) as if they are common knowledge. Unknown to him those are Kryptonian fairy tales that Lois submitted. She didn't want to give Jon a funny accent so Clark can read them in Kryptonian while she does the English.
Duke having a hard time with an assignment, sends an inquiry asking if he offers homework help (he wouldn't be using it for career advancement which is against the terms of service BUT he would be claiming it for points so he asked) and that is how Tim finds out about this sketchy website that can translate anything. Danny feels the sincerity and sleep deprivation in the inquiry so he replies back "I admire your courage and will do you a solid but only if your promise to sleep a minimum of 8 hours. I'll know if you don't and snitch so go to sleep 😴" The translation is attached and already in the format his teacher requested.
Steph: How is he gonna know?
Duke: Idk but he is a life saver!
Tim: Duke, did you just sell your soul for a homework assignment?
Duke: Let me sleep and then we'll see what happens 🥱
Tim is driven crazy because he needs to know who is behind the website. And also because Constantine was kinda in the area and said no. Duke has his soul even if he doesn't sleep, lucky bugger.
Tim feels like the world is conspiring against him when it sends the cutest distraction in one his gen ed courses. He will date the cute guy AND solve this mystery out of spite.
okay so, guy at work, who i find out afterwards is famous at this place for being a sex pest, comes up and starts with what i also learn is his favorite opener to conversations where he’s going to be a sex pest, namely: “Do you know where the term ‘blow job’ comes from?”
and here he made his first fatal error. his moment of hubristic sex pesting. because of course i know where the term blow job comes from, i love learning about sex and the history of sexual terms! i know so much about oral sex that i could write a book on it!
his second error: approaching a little autistic freak with what he intended to be an uncomfortable sex question that would make me feel weird and gross. Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I Have Never Misjudged A Man’s Intentions So Incredibly In My Life. because i did not realize he was trying to harass me. because i love talking about sex facts, albeit not usually at work. unless. someone prompts me. my coworkers are the kind of people who are generally online enough to know terms, but not exactly what they mean, and they realized they could ask me a while back and get good answers without the resulting awkwardness because i do not experience shame. i am primed to answer questions like the one he has proposed.
So I Answered It.
and well, really, what happened is that I began answering it, then realized the answer required a bit more context. I mean, you can’t just say “oh, well, the term first appears in writing in the 1940s” without first explaining that ‘blow’ by itself already had sexual connotations for centuries, and then, really, are we talking about the origin of the term or the origin of the act. and well we have a ton of literature and art depicting fellatio throughout human history, did you know a lot of it was men performing it on other men? oh, that reminds me, there are a multitude of latin words for oral sex performed on penises, and hold on let me quote you the entirety of catullus 16 from memory and explain it’s fascinating insights into the roman world of homosexuality-
i do not know how to turn any of this ^ off, by the way. i’m sure some people out there have a switch that disables their infodumping mid-speech. i do not. and i also didn’t realize he wasn’t looking for a real answer until my other coworker explained so hours later. he could not excuse himself from the conversation he started, and i made a conservative man at least 30 years older than me to listen to my catullus recitation. i will sodomize and facefuck you, indeed.
anyway, i think i got a bad grade in being sexually harassed. my pro tip is maybe don’t start with what a very autistic individual will misconstrue as you earnestly asking them to explain sex to you. the special interest shield will cause splashback damage.
Hilarious thought. The Tooka-ing has rendered MANY a commando TRAGICALLY short. This is unacceptable. How can the LOOM threatingly? Get in people's faces and threaten? Threateningly threaten with THREATS?! They are short and fluffy!
....well, fuck it. They can fix at least ONE of these things?
*walks up to a guy with a very bemused jedi following them, rapidly smacks at the Jedi's shins to be picked up, is held up in the guys face so they can Threaten the guy PROPERLY* "listen here you lil shit, I MAY BE a tooka, but-" >:( 🔪
This is it. This is it EXACTLY. People keep telling the jedi "you know you DONT have to pick them up. DONT have to help them threaten people." But like... no, no. They gotta. It's the right thing to do! The jedi respect personal agency, you know.
Listen as an aroace person myself, I get it that people don’t want Grace to be in a relationship but on the other hand, as an aroace person, he should be able to be a monsterfucker.
(I have no idea what the hell this is, it just came to me, m'kay? Let's just all pretend it's not weird and stupid pls)
Grace doesn't know what had caused it, but one day the dome over their habitat just...cracks.
He and Simon had thankfully been next to each other, hanging out on the beach after Grace had finished teaching for the day. The sound of the xenonite breaking above them had been like the loudest thunder Grace had ever heard, and they'd both jumped and looked upward in shock. The moment Grace saw that hairline fracture growing and splintering across the panels above them, he'd felt his blood turn to ice, because he could see how quickly the cracks were growing, and he knew exactly what that meant.
His head jerks towards Simon, his eyes wide with terror.
"Simon — !" he tries to shout, but that's all he has time to say. A second later, the dome splits open, and super-heated, poisonous air rushes towards them.
Grace screams in fear, scrambling back against the pebbled beach, but he knows it's futile. In moments, the pressure outside the dome will cause the rest of it to collapse, and they'll be crushed. There's nowhere to run, nowhere to escape. They're going to die here.
Simon's arm wraps around him and Grace turns and buries his face in Simon's chest. At least it will be quick, he thinks. At least he won't be alone. He squeezes his eyes shut, bracing himself as the impossibly hot air rushes towards them.
But then suddenly there's light.
And then they're abruptly collapsing onto the floor, like they've just dropped from a height. He lands on Simon, who took the brunt of the fall. The air reeks of ammonia. His skin is burning. But they are somehow, miraculously alive. Coughing and wheezing, Grace is desperately trying to clear his airways, but slowly it dawns on him that he can breathe. Each inhale burns like hell, but that's air. That's fresh air he's tasting. How is that possible? Even if the dome hadn't managed to crack, Erid's atmosphere should have filled up everything, making it impossible to survive!
And then he hears voices. Human voices.
He looks up in absolute shock to find that they're surrounded by humans. His eyes are burning too much from the ammonia exposure to see clearly, but those are definitely humans rushing towards them, shouting out in confusion and concern. Grace is completely gobsmacked. How is this even possible?
Before he knows what's happening, the people are helping them up, asking all sorts of questions. It's confusing and chaotic, even more so when he realizes that he recognizes some of these people. What the hell? These are some of the Hail Mary staff! They're all looking at him like they've seen a ghost, and even though he's still coughing and wheezing, they're just touching him, almost reverently.
They start trying to lead him away to get medical attention, but then Grace hears shouting, and he realizes that he and Simon have become separated. Simon, suddenly finding himself surrounded by strangers after somehow teleporting to Earth(?!?), is absolutely panicked, and on the verge of freaking out. The people surrounding him are all looking at Simon warily, as if they're not sure what to do with him.
"Wait!" Grace screams, fighting towards Simon. "Wait! He's with me! He's with me!"
Everyone freezes. Someone approaches, presumably the person in charge of whatever the hell place this is. He squints at Grace, and then over at Simon. "He's with you? Dr. Grace?"
"Yes, he's...he's with me," Grace quickly insists. His vision is starting to go spotty, his coughing fits growing weaker as he loses strength. "Please."
The man glances between them, but turns to face Simon. "What's your name, son?" he asks.
"Simon," Simon chokes out, his voice sounding just as ragged as Grace's. His eyes are bloodshot and streaming, and he keeps blinking them like he can't see clearly. He's not coughing as hard as Grace is, but Grace can hear the way he's wheezing.
"Simon what?" the man demands.
Simon just looks baffled. He doesn't understand what they're asking, but the moment is stretching, and the man is growing more suspicious.
"Simon what?" he repeats more firmly.
"Grace!" Grace quickly cuts in. His throat is raw, but he still shouts it loud enough that the entire room probably heard it. "His last name is Grace! Simon Grace! Simon...Simon Grace..."
That shout used up the last of his energy, and Grace feels his vision start to go dark around the edges. For a moment, he thinks he sees the group surrounding them glance between him and Simon in surprise, something assessing in their eyes, but he doesn't have time to really puzzle out what those expressions mean.
The last thing he hears before he passes out is Simon yelling his name.
"Ryland!"
(AKA The AU where Grace and Simon end up back on Earth and thanks to Grace's impulsiveness, all of humanity now thinks they're married.)
I mean, what's the more logical conclusion to jump to? That this random guy happens to be from an alternate universe where there are so few humans left that there's no point in having a last name anymore because you don't need to differentiate between individuals? Or that the guy who saved the whole planet married the random guy and gave him his last name?
Other worldbuilding notes:
Unbeknownst to Simon (and Grace), thanks to his exposure to the Light and the Eye and all those fun things, Simon now has the inherent ability to create wormholes. The problem is he doesn't really have any control over it, and he can only really do it in life-or-death situations. That's how he ended up in Grace's universe in the first place, after the Blood Eel tried to kill him, and how they've now arrived back on Earth once their biodome broke. Simon has no idea he can do this, however, and so everyone is very confused :)
The people of Earth are 100% convinced that Simon is an alien, and that his species is just able to perfectly mimic human appearance. Given he's still got some...enhancements from his exposure to the Blood Ocean in his DNA, their conclusion is kind of understandable lmao
The Blood Ocean tried to assimilate Simon, and started fusing to him, but wasn't able to actually complete the connection before he jumped universes. As a result, Simon pulled an Uno Reverse and actually assimilated the bits of the Blood Ocean that were still attached to him. So he's. Yeah. He def ain't 100% human anymore
what if… bloodymary long distance relationship AU…
they met when ryland was playing chaperone during a school trip in germany. they were visiting a museum and ryland had gotten away from the group for a bit as he started getting a bit overwhelmed. there was enough adults to watch over all the kids so he allowed himself this moment of peace. as he was admiring a painting (he had actually zoned out for a while), someone stood next to him. it took ryland a few seconds to notice, turning his head expecting one of the moms who kept trying to flirt with him, but no, it was a man, a stranger. ryland, not knowing what to say, just smiled at him. the man smiled back.
"it’s a beautiful painting. i love the colors." the stranger said, his voice deep and raspy.
"yeah. i like it too." ryland replied, unable to tear his gaze away from the man.
they spend an entire hour talking about anything and everything. getting to know each other, sharing their tastes in art, even though ryland clearly wasn’t the expert here. he learned that the man was named simon and that he was on vacation to visit his family, otherwise he currently lived in korea. he was a botanist professor and had a passion for art. he actually went to art school for a bit, but found out he preferred art as a hobby.
ryland was completely fascinated. simon not only was incredibly handsome, he was so smart and cultivated. he had something interesting to say for every painting they walked by. for once, ryland wasn’t the one doing the talking, and he actually preferred it that way. the last thing he wanted right now was to make a fool of himself.
after a while, ryland had no choice but to return to his class. he thanked simon for the time they spent together, simon replied it was a pleasure of meeting him. the goodbyes dragged on. at some point, ryland caved in.
"maybe… maybe we could exchange our number." ryland gave him the most casual smile he could muster, even though he was being the opposite of casual right now. "i don’t know for how long you’ll be here but i’m only leaving in five days, so…"
simon looked like he was refraining a smile. he nodded and searched in his bag for a pen and a piece of paper "alright."
-
that was five years ago. now, ryland was sitting in bed grading tests while simon was telling him about his day through the phone.
at first, it was easy. simon kissed him before they parted ways and everything unfolded through texts and calls once ryland returned home. at this point they only knew each other for five days. they agreed to take it slow, to not rush anything.
it lasted a week before simon said he loved him.
everything went so fast, maybe because both of them knew this wouldn’t last long, and so they had to make the most of it. except they were wrong.
ryland half-listened to simon talk, eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. for a very long time, he genuinely thought he could do it. he genuinely thought that seeing simon two times a year would suffice. he pushed through the first year. they called or facetimed almost every night so it made it significantly easier. the second year was already impossibly harder. they still texted each other every day but facetimes and calls were getting rarer. by the third year, ryland could feel it slowly starting to crumble.
he held onto it though. he and simon never talked about it. he didn’t even know if simon felt the same way about their relationship. it was great, really it was, ryland loved him, he loved the way simon made him feel, he loved talking to him, but as much as he tried to convince himself that words were enough, it wasn’t. he needed simon with him. he needed to smell his cologne, needed to feel his arm around him, needed to run his hand through his hair, needed to kiss him. not just a few days a year. all the time.
moving out was a reccurent subject, and it always ended up in a fight, and the discussion always ended on the same conclusion: ryland didn’t want to give up the life he had and simon refused to leave the country he had been teared away from when he was a child. maybe ryland was selfish. simon had a very valid reason for staying in korea; he was sent in the american foster care system when he was a child and never really recovered from being denied his own culture, the country he spent the first nine years of his life in.
ryland, on the other hand? he was just a coward. his life was comfortable and changing habits was scary, but it was nowhere near as justificable. he just loved his job. his loved his kids, he loved going to the diner in the morning to have breakfast, he loved sitting on the same bench in the same park every saturday, he loved getting his food from the same grocery store, he loved walking down the same street every day. he wasn’t ready to give up on his life.
but will he ever be ready? and if one day he is, will it be too late?
BloodyMary Wall-e au where Simon is a modified human (cyborg kinda thing, he's a cyborg) left to carry on surveillance of the blood moon after scientists abandoned research on it and Grace is also a modified human sent to survey astral bodies in systems where astrophage won to determine the long-lasting effects and if life can still be supported in those systems
Simon with his rusted, well-worn parts and multi-tool arm with jagged chipping where the Eden logo used to be. He didn't want to be left behind but at least he's kind of free, right?
Grace with his sleek mods and enhanced memory but they still couldn't fix his eyesight so he's got magnifiers. He didn't want to be sent on this mission but he's the expert, so it had to be him, right?
Normally I like to throw Simon into the PHM 'verse so he can be happy, but let's switch things around for a sec.
Grace fell asleep in his biodome on Erid, and wakes up in the middle of a submarine at the bottom of the blood ocean. He (and Simon) are understandably freaked out by his sudden appearance, and Grace is even more freaked out by his surroundings. They're shouting at each other, Simon is ready to fight, swearing up a storm, while Grace is trying to simultaneously cower away and not touch any of the blood-soaked walls. It's pure chaos.
Suddenly the radio kicks on, Ava demanding to know what's happening. Simon does his best to explain, but he's frustrated and confused and not entirely convinced this is real. But then Grace cuts in, and starts to ramble as he tries to figure out how he got there, talking about wormholes and hallucinogens and the side-effects of long-term heavy metal exposure. He's flustered, and when he gets flustered, he starts talking.
And up on the surface, Ava just freezes. Because she doesn't know how the fuck Grace got down there, but she knows what he is. And what he is, is a scientist, something humanity desperately needs. The Quiet Rapture wiped out most of the human race's scientific minds, and the few that remained were fought over fiercely by the different factions, often to their detriment. Grace would be an incredible resource, if he actually knows as much as his ranting seems to imply.
The blood ocean might be able to help humanity, but a scientist definitely can. Especially a scientist with as diverse a portfolio as Grace. He may have started off as a microbiologist, but during his time on Project Hail Mary and his mission to Tau Ceti, Grace has picked up a little bit of everything. He is arguably the smartest person alive in the universe at the moment. And while Ava might not realize this, she knows enough to recognize that he's valuable.
She orders Simon to come back up to the surface.
Simon is pretty far from the hangar at this point, so the trip will take them a while. As they travel, Grace tries to strike up a conversation to get to know Simon a bit better. It doesn't take much for him to figure out that Simon's situation is awfully similar to his own; sent on a one-way trip to find answers for a human race desperate for any solution. He finds himself relating to Simon, empathizing with him, even if his first impression wasn't the greatest. Besides, Simon is the first human Grace has seen in years, and he's enjoying finally spending time in the company of someone who's the same species, even if Simon is kinda prickly.
At the same time, Simon can't help but be grateful that Grace's appearance on the sub means he gets to leave the blood ocean, even if it's only for a little bit. Grace is also oddly non-threatening, and treats Simon so kindly that Simon doesn't really know what to think of him. He feels a bit guilty, because he knows that he's going to be delivering Grace to the COI so they can essentially enslave him, but it has to be better than dying down here in this fucking death trap, right?
Over the course of their trip back to the hangar, Simon and Grace start to bond.
By the time they actually return and the SM-13 is pulled out of the ocean, they have definitely grown a little bit attached to each other, Grace perhaps more so than Simon. So when the sub is cut open so that Grace can be extracted, he grabs Simon and drags him out too, not wanting to be parted from his new friend.
Ava, of course, orders Simon to go back down right away, now that he's brought Grace to them. He argues that he fulfilled his part of the bargain and that they promised him freedom, but Ava dismisses it and tells him that he hasn't found anything yet, so he hasn't actually served his purpose. Simon is dismayed, but not surprised, as they try to force him back into the SM-13.
Suddenly Grace is grabbing him and dragging him back. He refuses to let them send Simon down to his death, literally hiding Simon behind himself as a precaution. He's shaking with fear as the COI members surround them, but he won't budge, even when Ava orders him to stand aside.
Ava could force the issue, of course. They could push Grace aside, maybe hurt him to force him to move. But doing that would be risky, and she doesn't want any harm to come to humanity's newest hope. So she agrees that Simon can stay, but orders him to be taken to a cell.
Once again, Grace intervenes, and says, no. He's not going anywhere. Realizing he can't trust Ava not to throw Simon back into the ocean the second his back is turned, Grace demands that Simon stay with him. Ava doesn't love it, but if keeping Simon around will make her new pet scientist happy, then fine.
As long as he's restrained. He's a murderer after all. They can't let a murderer have free access to COI's new asset. That part is non-negotiable.
Grace stiffens at her words, but ultimately agrees with more than a little bit of wariness. He's not entirely convinced that Ava is telling the truth about Simon; she's given him no reason to trust her after all. But even if Simon is a murderer, sending him down in that sub to die is a cruel punishment, and Grace can't allow it to happen.
Thus he finds himself working for the COI in this strange, starless universe, trying to find a way to keep the human race going despite dwindling resources, all the while he's got a convicted murderer essentially chained to the lab bench next to him. Grace is miserable, and he hates that he's partially responsible for Simon being trapped here, but hey, at least no one is dying, right?
Imprisoned together, Grace and Simon slowly grow closer, learning to rely on each other as two people stuck in the same awful situation. Grace is determined to keep his new friend safe, and Simon is growing increasingly protective of Grace as the man continues to show him nothing but kindness, despite their circumstances.
And then, one day, there is a raid. Word has gotten out about Grace, and the other factions of humanity have decided they want him for themselves. The COI's starbase is under attack, and the target is Grace. Simon demands that Grace free him from his shackles so that he can fight, and although he's terrified, Grace helps Simon break the chains. Just in time, too, as the first raiders arrive to try to abduct Grace. Simon doesn't know who they are, whether they're from Eden or a splinter of COI or something else entirely. Simon doesn't care who they are. All he knows is that they're a threat to Grace, and Simon refuses to let Grace be hurt.
He fights like the Butcher. Nothing gets past him.
When the attack is finally over, Grace is a wee bit traumatized but miraculously unharmed. Seeing how fiercely Simon fought to protect Grace, Ava finally admits that he's earned her trust, and she officially designates him as Grace's bodyguard. His situation will essentially be the exact same, only he won't be chained up anymore. And maybe he will begrudgingly start to be accepted into the COI as one of them. Maybe.
Simon is nearly overwhelmed with relief. He doesn't care if they like him. All he cares about is that he's finally free. Ava finally kept her promise. Who cares if he's still stuck here with Grace, that's where he wants to be anyways. This is all he ever wanted, the chance to live. And thanks to Grace, he's getting that chance.
Grace is now Simon's angel and his saviour, and he will devote himself to Grace for the rest of his life.
(And eventually let's say Grace stumbles onto a way to re-open the wormhole that he fell through so that the remnants of humanity can travel through it to his universe. The people of Erid wake up one morning and are very surprised to discover that a bunch of human space stations and ships have just materialized in their orbit.
Meanwhile Rocky is just pissed that Grace went and had an adventure with a new friend without him. He is very jealous of Simon, up until he realizes how protective Simon is of Grace. After that, Simon gets Rocky's stamp of approval)
The idea of Grace meeting Simon and going “markiplier?!” Is funny but what’s also funny is if the video logs have Simon in and they post the videos for everyone to see the hero that is dr ryland Grace only to see markiplier there and markiplier having to make a video saying “that is not me up in space. This is not green screen. You would know if I was the one in space because I have famously said I would love to be in space!”
And his fans (I would do this) would say “yeah that’s what a man who’s been secretly sent to space would want us to think.”
Loving your conlang stuff for bloodymary! I like the idea that the linguistic drift might make it easier for Simon to understand Rocky as opposed to Grace. We don't get much on Eridian grammar but it seems to lack pronouns and possessives while having words similar to 吗 in Chinese (saying question at the end of a sentence).
YEAHHHHH THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO SEE
that makes a lot of sense, especially if Simon only has a basic understanding of 'old english,' he would find Rocky's grammar a lot easier to follow if there are similarities to his native language
(Also makes me imagine a scenario where Simon is really tired---speaking in a foreign language you're still learning is EXHAUSTING---and instead of going to hang out with Grace, he goes to chat with Rocky. Grace is extremely offended that he's not been invited to the cool kids club.)
so yesss!!!! my hypothetical anthrpology #myhypotheticalanthropology
I kinda wanted to approach Eden and the COI not as Evil Cult Society and Evil Industrial Society (since personally i just find that less interesting) but more as two diverging human cultures that adapted to intense circumstances in different ways. that isn't to say that there aren't harmful aspects to them, much in the way that there are harmful aspects to real human societies.
So anyway back 2 my markiplier space movie conlang
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
jbbartram-illu
titsay
baratheonpilled
vaporwave
