interpellations

mari • xxviii • history phd candidate

[thepaleheart]

📌 intro/pinned post

my name is mari. 28 years old. she/her.

i've completed my fieldwork/archival research. i'm currently teaching, presenting, and writing my dissertation.

i'm examine histories of nationalism and postcolonial/decolonial theory. as a grad student, i'm also interested in alt-academia, mental health, and accessibility in academia. in my free time I also like video games, anime, and playing with my dog.

i'll be posting daily (if time permits) about my progress on my writing and other tasks i tackle. i'll also be tracking my mood and how i wind down during the day.

<3

[thepaleheart]

I got my comments back from my chair and I cannot stop sobbing.

Love that I gave them roughly a week to look over my chapters, and they so candidly said that they saved it for last minute because of other deadlines that were apparently more important.

I should’ve never gotten into academia

[thepaleheart]

11 June 2026

I’m nervous. Tomorrow (or I guess later today) I’ll be receiving corrections from my advisor on all of my dissertation chapters. I’m terrified now. Then the next few days will be our hard work and sleepless nights trying to get it to a better state prior to sending it to the rest of my committee. I’m terrified that she’ll say it’s in really rough shape. But I’m so burnt out. I couldn’t do much more. I did spend about a week recovering from that month of completely frantic writing and editing. I got to read, visit bookstores, treat myself to trying new coffee shops, watch anime, play video games, and shop. I felt human again very briefly. I wish I could rest more. One week isn’t anywhere close enough to fix burnout. The dread and sadness I feel having to return to this grueling work has made me only realize even more that doing research for the rest of my life isn’t sustainable anymore. I’m glad I’m leaving academia. I’m hoping I get some positive feedback in addition to the negative. Last time I got feedback from my advisor it was just sarcastic negative comments—and not even on the whole draft. Just like half of it. Then she stopped reading. Hopefully she has a different approach this time around.

[guerrillatech]

[audible-smiles]

People die on the job every summer. Remember that water and shade breaks are crucial when working in the heat, and calling emergency services for signs of serious heat illness (fatigue, nausea/vomiting, headaches, dizziness, clammy skin, confusion, agitation, slurred speech, high body temperature, rapid heart rate, etc.) is entirely appropriate. If you’re afraid to call 911 for reasons such as being undocumented, you’ll need to get very familiar with how to prevent, recognize, and treat heat illness. If you are symptomatic and not allowed a break, water, or medical treatment, walk out. No matter how broke you are, your job is not worth your life.

[ominous-signs]

Official please put yourself first sign

[modernshxmxn]

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson (via childrenofthetao)

[thepaleheart]

8 June 2026

It is surreal to think that I’ll be defending my doctoral dissertation this month. Right now I’m resting for several days until I get my corrections back from my advisor. I definitely needed this break. I can like actually catch up on hobbies and breathe and sleep without having dreams and nightmares about my word documents. I literally was having a dreams of the freaking chapter where I’m editing lines!! That’s how bad it was.

I am already dreading having to return to editing after my advisor’s comments. I’m terrified that they’ll say it’s not good at all. But I am trying not to think about that.

[akindplace]

[girl who can’t go through this anymore] I must go on then

[thepaleheart]

I seriously am struggling to get out of bed in the mornings from how burnt out I am from this dissertation’s revisions.

[waferwolf]

every time an alt girl goes conservative because she thinks that's what she needs to do to follow Christ, a flowerbed withers up and dies

[thepaleheart]

I actually have no idea whether my dissertation is classified as an intellectual and/or cultural history lmao

[alwaysbeenjessica]

some potential reads for this summer

[rhinco]

i love you semicolon. no one look at my 80 word sentence

[succubusboyfriend]

practicing self care less out of self love and more for the sheer logical reasoning of it’d be kinda stupid of me to expect myself to be able to function without proper maintenance

[succubusboyfriend]

“oh i don’t deserve rest and relaxation, i haven’t done enough, i haven’t earned it” and my car’s breaks don’t deserve break fluid because they aren’t breaking well enough to earn it. that’s what you sound like!!!!!

[reasonsforhope]

If you do not schedule time for maintenance, your equipment will schedule it for you

[artbylittlebug]

[midnightinshadow]

[ohholydyke]

Girlies when the only way out is through

[thepaleheart]

26 May 2026 — tired of being tired

I have been spending the last couple of weeks editing/revising my dissertation chapters non-stop. I'm tired. I barely have time for any hobbies, and I have trouble sleeping. I am at least grateful I have been able to work with two other classmates, who have also been rushing to revise their chapters before submitting their complete/polished draft to their chairs.

I am anxious. I am exhausted. I am burnt out. It is a miracle I am not crying all the time.

Working on the last body chapter at the moment. It is so clunky. I will try my best in the morning (it's midnight right now...) to troubleshoot it. I might have to even pull out different primary sources for the final part. It just feels... incomplete. And I feel overwhelmed by it's incompleteness.

I think it would have been less stressful if my advisor/chair were not so disconnected from me. They ended up being really unsupportive in the last year...

I really just want to be over and done with this dissertation. It has been such a grueling experience, and this final stretch has been especially stressful.