The Work Daily

My work experience. Updated daily or bi-daily.

[theworkdaily]

The Shitty Chronicles of My Work Life

Okay it has been over a year since I updated this. And in that time, a lot of things have happened. I have:

- Worked in a corporate as a management trainee (which sounds exactly as it is. More on that later)

- Switched into Corporate Communications (more on that later)

- Quit the corporate and is on the 2nd day of my new job at a ‘not-a-startup’ (i.e. over a year and doing well) at a co-working space as a .... trainee. A receptionist who will take on other duties (to be fair, at a co-working space, basic understanding of the business is important.)

And I fucking hate it. On my second day. Because of a toxic coworker.

I am reading my old posts and I can’t believe that I’ve been talking about a side-hustle for so long. Because here I am again.

I’m ashamed, but not daunted. The urgency is real. I clearly just hate working with people. Or rather, I want to create that safe place, a replication of Tumblr-niceness and acceptance of people in the real world. Or at least from my dashboard anyway (most people seem reasonable and knowledgeable.)

I hate dreading to go to work, honestly. And there’s a part of me that was right from over a year ago: I prefer the manual work over the fucking politics.

But I want money. I need to solve customer problems, bar none.

There’s a saying that if you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go in a team or something like that. Well, I want to go fast, because I need to do and accomplish something, and I can’t do that in a team setting. 

All you need to know, dear reader, is that I might get fired, and I might be fine with it because I can’t get along with some people. That’s it.

[theworkdaily]

08-05-2014 (May 8, 2014)

Running into an energy slump because I have been watching dramas (hello Orphan Black! I am officially in love with Tatiana Maslany.) But I think that means there's an even deeper problem. 

I am being reassured by all the higher ups (my parents, my boss, really- what else do I freaking want) that I will have a good future if I work my butt off. So why do I feel like I still want to work in a cafe sometimes?

Freaking Tumblr. I swear it has changed me. Okay.

Anyway, today I was reflecting, and here's my plan for the future:

1) I need to learn Chinese. I can't use the excuse that I have no time to do it. I am going to talk to my coworkers/manager tomorrow and see what she recommends. But hopefully I can arrange for one day in particular for my day off so I can take Chinese classes for real.

2) I am going to have to need to learn about how to grow my money. As fun as it has been to spend money that I earned myself (today I did a floral arrangement for my mom and she loves it so much, it's worth that 400HKD-- bonus, I ran into my distant-relation cousin that I haven't seen for 7 years. Awesome!

3) I need to commit to some extracurriculars because I need some friends and lovers. Preferably a queer girl like me, or an intelligent, open, feminist boy. Yeah, tough call, but I am worth it. 

Anyway, time to go sleep. Tomorrow is my first day of early shift. Peace out. :)

[theworkdaily]

Week 3 (day 4. 14-4-2014)

Today was another day. Learning how to keep my professional persona. It helps if I hint towards that there is a personal problem (don't need to go into details) with a friendly coworker. Just to release a bit of the poison. It was easier to recover to being positive after that.

Also, interesting how easily my coworker will share her views if I simply ask. I won't do anything hurtful with it, but it's good to be reminded that by asking I might know a lot more about how a person values something. Better to work with that person if I know what they value.

Also, learned a bit more of the technical stuff of running an event. Should get more sleep, tomorrow is another long day (I am bridal assistant.)

When am I going to be fully positive again? Body and brain, what is going again? I love you. I know you have doubts about this job, but let's roll with this. I know you've been scarred by university (and it felt like a 'waste of time'-- but it wasn't, and isn't, that bad. It's another option. I can always go back-- even if even right now I can't imagine that), but this is different. It might not be exactly what you want (which I think might be becoming an entrepreneur) but that's another game altogether, and it's a tough one. Let's learn as much as we effing can here first, and think about that after we have some cash in our bank and some experience from the battle grounds.

Stay loyal to my goal, which is to stay mindful as a wily, zen cobra. What does is the goal of Big G, Big K, and all the other "big people"? How can I learn that will be beneficial to them and me?

[theworkdaily]

Week 3

Okay, I think I should recall my blog as The Work Weekly, to be honest, because I am so used to surfing at night, but by the time I get back I should really be hitting the showers and bed but I don't. So I don't really have time to blog without being detrimental to my health--

--Unless I blog in the morning. Dang it. Okay interesting point.

Okay, a summary of what happened:

1) I have since replied Mic with an email, and he has phoned me back (because he knows the woes of typing out Essay Emails and wanted to cut that out entirely). Points to remember:

Focus on what I need to do. Work hard. Don't care so much about what other people think or want: you will naturally attract the people who fit you by being you.

Interesting point: he was like me. He also started in F&B at first. But obvs his boss was different. Not like Ken, more conservative.

2) I have went to another Group Site Dinner yesterday. Played MJ (mah jong). And I got a quick lesson from that for all the doubts that has been sent my way from other people as to why I am here, doing what I'm doing in such a "tough physical job" with these "rough people"... and I just don't what to say. It's been everyone: coworkers, part time coworkers, customers... and damn, I just need to keep telling myself the pros:

I prefer physical labour over boring office administration.

It feels realer to me, my work. Dealing with real customers, rather than my theories in university. (I am confident I can go back still and pursue professorship, but I don't think I want to.) 

I have a chance for growth in this company. But this is also the thing: I can't tell where I can go. But that's f*ing alright. I'm so green and new, of course I don't know how far and well I can go. I'm a merc, like my dad, just build my profile. I talked to my dad, and he told me if he could he'd do FnB too, because it's "real". You can go out and really see your competitors, and build your profile and everything.

Anyway, I'll finish with the MJ lesson I learned, since today when I was going back home, another coworker was like: It's a waste you're here (blah blah, heard this all before), you can do so much more since your English is so much better. Why did you study history. etc.

And I just didn't know how to respond, and so I just shuffled and slid around with my answers (no1curs about my answers anyway. No one is really interested, lol.) And then my MJ lesson:

"Get rid of all your "single word" tiles first (they are usually useless, unless circumstances, obvs)."

Meaning: You will always have to prune your hand a little before you get a good hand and win.

And I will win with my own life.

Whatever I learn here, I can take it with me elsewhere.

[theworkdaily]

April 17, 2014

Got an email from Mic following up on our conversation. I replied him with a thanks and asking him for help when I need it. He replied with an email telling me that management is proactive and I may ask him questions. Will reply him in the morning. Something to address the amount of questions I have. And the fact that I don't think there is a real set goal with me yet. Thankfully this was addressed today when George came over and basically he talked about the need for the managers to at least pick two people to train. Because he has plans for expansion. He has a goal for at least expansion for five times the amount of business possible with the f&b dept. I also sat in to listen in hath meeting, which was something I guess. And I got introduced as the girl who would scrub toilets. Lol which I promised Mic because I think he has vision, but idk, now it's take out of context but I suppose I will explain if anyone really asks it of me. I will do that for you if you can convince me it will help you with your plan. Anyway, doesn't matter. That was what was most interesting about today. The meeting and the email. Anyway, while I was drawing today, I reminded myself not to blame anyone else for my failures thus far in life. Or not failures, but my... Not doing things. Not failing. This was more to artistic pursuits, but it will apply in work life proactivity too.

[theworkdaily]

Days 8 & 9:

Working at the KE site. Yesterday and today there were no weddings.

Want to remind myself that I think wedding hosting is interesting. Something where a business can be grown in. And we're like a growing market leader. I will have my chance to shine, so sit still damn it. Learn my ass off.

Anyway, these two days have been quiet. Growing some relationships I guess with my coworkers.

Went to play Escape Room with my coworkers yesterday, which was fun. Raised my voice for the first time. Although I failed to become a leader to lead the cooperation (which was necessary for solving the puzzles). Next time, if I can gain even that one moment of silence, give it to the leader. Of course, given that I cannot become the leader myself.

Hungry for leadership, lol, oh me.

Anyway. Tomorrow is my day off, and the day after I'm meeting G (the managing director of our company) with H. A little unsure what I'm supposed to prepare, if anything. Maybe will give Mic a message?

[theworkdaily]

Week Post: Days 7-12 (Sat off)

Woah, so I fail at keeping my goal to update this quickly.

I don't have an excuse. I can't really remember what happened now. Let's see. On the 9th and 10th of April I returned to TGS (my first site) and I started to recognize the different atmosphere concretely with different words. I like both places. Anyway, my goal at work has been further developed. (We all need to know what we're REALLY doing at work, says Richard Templar. Is it impressing a boss? Doing your job well? Stealing work methods to start up your business in the future? (Heck, even Seth Godin's recent entry in his blog says as much. Steal what works, steal the most efficient methods to make your business work. Just leave what will make you unique, yours.)

For me, so far it was learning the ropes of these places. And that meant the people. I have been focusing a lot on my coworkers because I want to cooperate with them. I want to fit in. That's natural.

But lately I've been thinking: if I do become a manager at some point in RB, I need to know how to operate and to use people. That means I'm not their friend exactly. (Except, I can be in a way: because so far in my KE site, we've been going out on free days. We're going out for fun tomorrow after work, for example.)

Anyway... I also think I just want to be a manager at some point because I want to work less hours. Which is clearly not what I see with my current managers. So there's a possibility I might move, or learn what I can from here and become an entrepreneur at 35. In which case it might take me 3 years to lift off and train people, and another 1 or 2 before I let go some and start having some free time.

Does that sound stupid? That sounds stupid to me now that I type it out. I'm typing this out because I miss playing fencing and I still secretly want to learn how to dance. Damn. Maybe I should become a teacher after all so I can do these things after a school day? I don't know. True option though.

Anyway, in the mean time, since I'm here: Focus. 

I like what I'm doing. I like what I'm learning. I am learning about a new culture. It's interesting.

Okay, and some notes about one of the days I was in TGS: The bigger-ups came and visited (like, the REAL bigger-ups.) The boss confirmed knowing who I was and Mic stopped by to let me know he's now ready to hire. And he remembered that I wanted to work for him. Honestly I don't know if it was a test (which I think it could definitely be taken as,) But I was thinking about my (I think) desired work persona, which is someone who is like... a loyal dog. And I will work for the task of my master, or the person who I am loyal to. And for that task I will shed away my insecurities and doubts, because I need to get that task done.

But I shied away from returning from Mic who I professed as my master (half, I never got accepted at the right time, exactly, at any rate). My reasoning being that I'm happy learning right now. And I am. But also because I think my slow progress in learning Chinese (I am happy of my progress, but it's not enough to work for Mic I think) is just... something I didn't want to work harder for. At the moment that he asked. And I wasn't sure if working for Mic is what I am going to be good at.

He told me his recent project (his inner vision for his team to become stronger and work with more 'heart' rather than just cool efficiency) is slower than expected. He was judging by their reaction to some group thing on FB (from what I remember, I can't clearly recall.) Perhaps if I have some time to talk to him again, I would ask whether he could judge by some other manner? Or if there was someone else on his team he could ask about the progress of the team spirit?

I sort of feel like, at least with F&B depts. that I have been in so far, that this has not been a problem. I mean, not a huge problem? There are still some people in the In and some people who are Out of the involved group, but... I mean, I am not sure exactly. At least with KE (where I have been more) I feel like almost everyone gets a fair chance to participate (if you are full time vs. PT. But even then.)

Anyway, Saturday was a wonderful day off. Wednesday is my next day off and I better have the stupid photo of myself printed and ready for Thursday.

Mic told me about preparation, and I was speaking to my old housemate Ross just yesterday and he reminded me that my expectations of myself should be high. Rather than waiting someone telling me what is expected of me. 

Which is something I really have to work and cure. Not because I don't have high expectations of myself (well, I am shying away from learning Chinese more thoroughly though I did convincingly offer it to Mic earlier and now I'm shying away for that reason... and the fact I like where I am right now-- but the chance to be that loyal, mission, mercenary for the one person-- dang I really think... I don't know. I feel like my dad is that sort of person and he sort of is a model for me in that way) but because I have the tendency to look for approval from people by doing what they ask me to do. But they have to tell me to do it. Rather than me shooting my mouth (or my actions) and risk off-putting them.

It's probably from being the younger child that felt inadequate and uncharismatic next to my older brother. But I did used to be a bossy child, didn't I? Where the hell did that Karen go? I think I was bossy because I thought I was right? I didn't bother seeing things from other people's POV? 

Now I'm like the opposite. But there's still a part of me that wants to lead. And I know my tools of listening and empathy is useful. Will be useful. I just need to temper it with some charisma. And it's somewhere in me. I think.

Alright. Rough time ahead. Standing for so long on my feet is starting to hurt my heels and this week my period came. This will be a harsh three days. Ughh.

[theworkdaily]

Day 5 & 6:

Alright, so I'm tired AND sick so I'll keep it short:

1) On day 5, it was my first day at the KE site. I met some nice people to follow, but the atmosphere was definitely different. Hm... like, some tensions. Maybe I am just assuming. People are a little bit more 'clannish' imho. But I will see tomorrow.

2) Had dinner (it was a company dinner with three sites of the F&B dept) and went to the doctor on my day off (Saturday). Good to see the head of the TGS site (my first site) seem to treat me friendly as ever.

3) Went to work today at TGS. It was also extremely difficult to get out of bed wtf (dang). Open day. It was interesting because I was talking to the people there and I basically got reassured it's nothing... I think. Y sort of mentioned something and asked about why I moved. I think she thought I was unhappy at TGS, which is not true. A thing that was interesting to me was she asked whether I requested to move or it was thought of by K. I said it was the latter (and it's true) but I can't (decided not to) talk about the reason for me moving was my hasty judgement on H. I can't tell if moving was the right decision, but I am deciding now to keep a Head Up attitude about all of this. No point getting too regretful.

And it was my first time to go to the KP site. It was beautiful. Also sat in on a wedding event consultation. Then I went home.

Things to reflect about: Other people's feelings on moving? Or maybe my own overthinking. Nothing new here. Glad to have been reassured that it wasn't taken too personally. 

[theworkdaily]

Day 4: BBQ and Explaining myself.

Okay, so today was interesting. I'll point out the highlights:

1) E visited with J and L from my old site. I miss them. Also glad they came back. And I got reminded to stop asking childish 'psychological' questions with E. I think there's something about her that makes me want to be silly, or relaxed. But I don't get a good vibe from her for it (or interest) or whatever. It doesn't matter. She's my mentor. Be ultimately serious even I can use jokes or relax.

2) H basically confronted me about moving to the other site, as suggested yesterday. I don't know what he's thinking but he keeps on saying he knows I'm not saying something which is making me want to move. But there's no way in hell I'm going to outright admit the reason. I gave several reasons, and he asked our coworkers in our current site to try to convince me otherwise. Thankfully although most did try to convince me to stay, they also thought it was nbd if I moved. Again, today just sort of reconfirmed that I don't really want to emulate H's style of authority or speech. And I can defy him as long as it's professional and respectable. 

2a) Finally realized who the talented 19 year old manager of wedding events of our site is. And he said (more or less) "Teach (as in, since I'm the English teacher), I know whatever we say you're still going to do what you want to do to gain experience. And I did the same thing. So it's alright, just do it."

Chill. I like it. I want to be like that. Anyway, instant connection. I was grateful for an extra point of view to support how I was going to say it. Also, I am glad I stood my ground. And I also thought: I don't need to explain myself. Liars explain themselves. And I'm not experienced in this 'fast-thinking' shit. Doesn't matter. Ultimately I'm going, I acted a little petulant and reluctant to say I'm wrong... but I don't really think like that. This weird 'duo acting vs feeling' thing is something I'm hoping I can sharpen as a skill as I continue but don't have to apply too often.

3) We went to BBQ after (a bunch of coworkers.) I liked that. General bonding. Also got to talk to Kitten (alias, obvs) and some other peeps not always primarily in our site. 

[theworkdaily]

Day 2 & 3

So a few things: Yes, I have got my wages for the first time! And I have already spent it (necessarily) on a new pair of shoes because the amount of time I spent standing in those pointy shoes I had hurt my toes and the back of my feet.

Okay, mini-celebration aside.

On Day 2, I was frustrated with H, my supervisor. I can't believe I didn't record it down already, but I guess I got confused because I sort of vented it out to my friends over text already and... anyway. 

So yes, basically I had difficulty respecting him because he doesn't feel really at ease or seem to fit in with the rest of the working team very well. I also think he is very "class-ist" in a way-- as in, ranks are really important. I think this might have to do with the fact that he came out of TRC (one of our other sites) where the head is reputedly... like that. So, gen X (as opposed to gen Y) work-style. 

Anyway, I felt hampered because he keeps on telling me to follow him around. And while I'm grateful for him to offer to show me the ropes of the place (i.e. familiarize me with the place) I don't really want to see things exactly his way. I don't feel like he's someone I want to emulate, anyway. 

So on the third day (that is, today) at first I was a little pessimistic. But I guess I had a little bit more freedom by excusing myself. And it was a good day, I think, I spoke to more people, tried to learn their names... and then we went to another site. With K.

So we didn't really speak much, mostly because I feel too exhausted with H around. Which might be unprofessional of me (basically, not top performance level) but anyway, when K was leaving, I just asked him two questions:

1) What do you want me to actually see? You told me to just 'look around' what does that mean?

And he said that basically I am really not familiar with everything (culture + industry), so I should familiarize myself with it before he can talk to me. [My interpretation: Yes, my thought exactly. That's why I don't want to follow H around that much because he will not help me mould into the person I want to me by emulating him. That's how I feel. There are ways to work around it, but I decided to ask for help directly from K.)

So 2) My gratitude but feeling about H. And how I feel sort of hampered in my learning process. ...And the answer is: I'm switching sites.

Which I'm sort of not greatly excited about because the first spark I have with working at this site is not yet died out, and I'm just starting to get to know my coworkers. And I do get to serve from English-speaking guests only at this site.

Idk. I think that I should learn more about the industry and the workplace environment first. So starting away from H is alright. Damn. I am doing this workaround and it's sort of annoying. But... whatever. Once I get the hang of it, maybe I can go back to WM (my current site). Pretty sure K wouldn't mind and I will have more confidence in my ability to work then.

[theworkdaily]

Day 19 & 20/Day 1

Okay, so I have been putting off on writing my last day at my first workplace at the children's centre. Basically it was okay. I realized not for the first time, but perhaps reconfirmed: to keep my hands to myself. I generally try not to be a creeper, but I guess I am just affectionate physically. Which is not okay for some.

Other than that, it was like the first day that I actually did a lot of the invoicing and practised it with some amount of confidence (too bad it was my last day!) 

Spent the last day at the end talking to J, trying to ask for some advice and review of the short three weeks that I've been there. An interesting point he said about me that I want to keep in mind was: keep my learning attitude and smile more. Dang, I know my mom keeps on saying I have to smile more, but I didn't know I really didn't smile enough in my professional life. And he ended up giving some interesting view on our/his office and how duties were not always clearly differentiated because of geography and history. And of different management styles (say, how L manages by being firmly in control of her duties. Maybe she doesn't know or want to delegate, and how politically he feels like he can't really say anything. Hm.) It was interesting. Anyway I stayed until the end with a coworker and that, as they say (oh Maechen-- even if I got my FFX-HD by the mail now, do I even have time to play), is that.

Anyway, today was my first day at the F&B department and holy heck I stood for a long time, although not even working as hard as some of the waiters etc. 

Met a guy name H. Also an interesting guy with ambition who is younger than me named P (heck, this entire company has pretty young people. And apparently young people in Chinese cuisine restaurants is a rarity-- which is true, I've been to yum cha enough times before to know that). Also met loads of people whose names I don't quite remember yet. I think I remembered to keep a smile as J recommended me. H is an... interesting guy. Eager to share.

But there's something about him that I'm not sure I quite like. If I had to place my finger on it, it would be that I felt the short amount of time that I wasn't following him around (which I am grateful for, to have someone to learn from and ask questions from) or looking at what other people were doing, he would want my attention back on him. Very naturally. Like he would engage me in another conversation related to work.

Hmm...

Anyway, he doesn't have enough 'idc', or... maybe... I don't know. Ease. I guess I admire ease. Or the appearance of it. And I see it. If I see it, I think everyone else might see it. That being said, how do I proceed next? That I am not too sure of. Somehow got to bond with other people. I know I have to start seeing people, instead of only procedures and things. So let's make a plan:

This week, I focus on procedures and sort of people. I allow myself to ask questions to people. Smile. Smile dang it. Keep professional. Basis of connection to other people, questioning procedures.

Next week: Less on procedures, more on people. So hopefully I got more grip on procedures, and I sort of introduced myself already in the first week as a learning person, engaged. Professional. Eager? (Don't want to appear threatening. But I can't really tell why it should be threatening if I am just normally eager. I think the company/scene is healthy enough that being eager is encouraged and is the norm.) And friendly. P did it naturally, even though he has only been here almost 7 months (including his part time stuff) he has communication skills. I keep on playing with the trope of the student.

H had a point today: keeping humble is not keeping small. I can be assertive but not aggressive.

Also, what did I learn in History?: Make shit clear. When you have an argument, you can give prove and hint towards-- that's what I always did. Now is the time to make clear. Stop making other people do the work and making the connections. 

Make your message clear. It seems like drawing the intestines on a stick figure to you because it's from your head. But not to other people. Think about what you want to say, and say it, even if you can't package it very well. Time moves without waiting for me, so you must spew out the words before the listener's attention escapes. 

Also, I should start focusing on how people act in groups. I think I work better with people on a one-on-one basis, or a more intimate level where I can go deeper and focused. But if I want to be a manager someday, I am working with a unit of people. With groups. Some right direction pointers I think: Clear voice. Louder. Do not apologize for your ideas. Do not give people an excuse to reject you, that is not your duty. Respect people, make them feel comfortable, but not at the expense by stepping on you. 

[theworkdaily]

Day 18: Shock, New Dept.

Well today was unexpected. I woke up early this morning, treated myself to a nice breakfast when I got a message from E to meet the managing director (G) today. 

And so I was sort of expecting a: "So, how has it been? We have an F&B project you can help out on [as part of your training]." But essentially I would still be working where I am now, under E.

But nope. Apparently I'm switching departments to follow the F&B head entirely. His name is K. And praises from G about this man's brilliance. I will do well to learn from him. Also, G confirmed plans for putting me on the new F&B site which is opening up in September.

Alright. So I guess E wasn't joking when she told me about G's plans that time I talked to her. Except this was faster than even her proposed timeline.

Okay. So I feel sort of uncertain lately, and this switch is... just another part of my uncertainty. I guess it's good. I am half attached to my current workplace but also excited about working in a new place.

Yeah. I had some important thought while I was in the shower...

Right. So now I recall that G mentioned something the first time he interviewed me (which was before I started this blog. My hiring was an interesting process indeed, but I'll describe it at another point in my About page probably.)

Anyway, he told me that if I worked in F&B, people would be skeptical, a little, which I think was sort of reflected with one person I spoke to today called Y. K was straight up like: you're too polite, sorta scared we might scare you.

Notes:

K's philo: No arguments. Gruffness is okay, but bad mood should not be brought to be the workplace. If you need, take a day off. (Interestingly, something shared with E. The employee's health + work environment philo.)

G's first interview: People in F&B generally don't have a degree, if you go there, you might be seen as a potential threat-- like a newb that's going to manage them. So if you go as an English teacher while you're learning Chinese, this might make them more comfortable.

--End notes--

Interestingly, K also decided that I should be helping out with teaching English. Alright. Except there's already someone who is teaching English at the moment (though I would have a higher proficiency. But I don't know if perfection is what they need versus just needing to get by.) Also, they probably some some attachment to this guy. And this English teacher guy might be threatened by my arrival. Let's pretend I'm not overthinking here. The question is, then, will I dumb myself down a little? Make myself a little less threatening?

Dad's advice yesterday was: just immerse yourself in work. When you're working, you're working. It's like how when you're drawing, you are drawing. Or when you're dancing, you are just dancing. You don't need to think so much while you doing your activity (obviously keep an eye out whether your actions are unacceptable.)

So let me make a promise to myself now. On this following Monday when I am switching workplace, I will not apologize and make myself small with my actions too much. I am not large or threatening, but I am me. I am willing to learn and to interact. 

Advice I just read about leadership and professionalism:

Watch your ability to work with others. Also, make people feel respected.

[theworkdaily]

Day 16 & 17: Meetings. Breathe. And Back on Track.

Okay, so for day before and yesterday (and apparently tonight) my sleeping habits have not been bettered.

I'll just quickly sum up my feelings for the past 2 days: 

Energy still flagging. Or maybe at least my certainty and mood. (That being said, still grateful, hopefully image still mostly positive. But being tired makes me slow. Dang.) Yesterday had a meeting about the singing contest, and today had weekly meeting about classes.

Which, btw, reminds me of the positive: that I am gaining ownership of the work. I am starting to understand more of these profits and students things. Yes.

Today I also spoke up at the meeting. I am ultimately glad I spoke up, although obviously afterwards I reflected and realized I could have tweaked the way I spoke. A few things: 

1) I don't want to say "sorry" or apologize. 

2) I do not want to highlight my differences, or give an excuse for the person I am suggesting things to, to make it easier for them to reject my idea(s).

3) Speak less words, more directly. Be calmer, surer, and stay polite. Better than what I do now: which is speak clumsily and deferentially. Let me be frank: I care about the power of my suggestion and words, or the portrayal of myself. (I am not looking to be powerful, but nor do I want to be easily overwhelmed. I don't want to be a weak person. That is not my goal. My goal is to make people comfortable, at least it always has been. But again, if something I say is legitimate and that makes them uncomfortable... then it's not my fault. Stay polite and respectful to all responses, of course.)

Anyway, that's it for now. My energy and mood has been dipping maybe because the initial fire is gone. I'm glad of it: now is the first hurdle, the beginning of the slow burn. The true test. And I will pass it. Excellently.

As Seth Godin says, the moment for your mind to change is only that: a moment. Time to breathe in.

Fire renewed. I can do this.

[theworkdaily]

Day 15: Tired. Changing habits.

Dang, my energy is draining at work. Today I swore I almost fell asleep. So much so that I had to stand up.

I spoke to my friend two days ago and it was nice to just hang out with him. And speaking to him inspired me to keep a routine to physically stay fit. (Well, today I got my butt out to remind my muscles lovingly that they are alive, and then stretched. That's how I will remember working out for now: reminding my muscles that they're alive and ... idk, I like abs so I want to get them. Okay slightly off topic, never mind.

Anyway, I have a meeting tomorrow, as well as my English summer project.

Have to stay focused. Need to sleep.

[theworkdaily]

Day 14: NTS. Saturdays.

Today was a Saturday, which means a day of more customers than usual. I had a couple of flakes today with dealing with customer. Still have a confidence problem with what I do. I don't want to put in a wrong amount of payment, obviously, and I want to confirm with someone every time I do an invoice. 

So I helped cutting some forms today when a thought struck that I can sent a whatsapp to E just clarifying what is going on in the singing contest since I'm a little lost. Just to keep in touch with what's going on and to show my engagement.

[theworkdaily]

DAY 13: Went to another site today

Today I went to another site with L. I sort of wondered whether it might be an opportunity to grow closer, but I didn't think too much on it. Today was a pretty chill day. Went to another site which is under construction right now and came in contact with the 'on-the-ground' workers which is what I should know and be more familiar with. 

I guess overall in terms of networking, it was unremarkable. Neither good nor bad?

Also, potentially a site I may work in, in the future. But I don't want to say anything is for certain, obviously.

Tomorrow is Saturday. It will be a busy day. Should get sleep.

On confidence: It was something I considered, but did not really get a chance to prove myself on a test. I think that means I generally handled myself well?

[theworkdaily]

Day 12: Professional Persona Building

So I finally stayed the whole day although it wasn't required of me. The day ends at 10, so I was getting out at 9 after I finished learning Chinese (with help of M and J) when I decided, heck, why not go back and just stay for one more hour. 

I wanted to ask them both about how I could potentially encourage the spreading of their way of training me (which is simply to watch me do it, quietly, and not come in and try to correct me at any time I am waiting which is what L does.) But I'm really iffy to point out names, and I just started stuttering out (my famous speech lag-- really it's just me not really clearly thinking about how to say what I want to say before I say it. I just have an idea and I hope to express it) broken words like "So, what do I do when there's a customer...?"

And anyway, I'll spare the details of the hour. But it ended up being J reassuring me that I was doing as well as could be expected of someone like me. Firstly, I am not completely happy with that since I want to exceed expectations. So I will learn to recognize the faces and names of those people. I will put an effort to remembering. 

Anyway, the problem with the hour was that I could not really accurately tell J I was actually fine and confident in myself. In other words, I don't know how to display my inner queen (which Tumblr has helped me with immensely, really). Partially this is because of my upbringing, as the youngest child I am used to being pampered in a way. But I don't want this in my professional persona. I am like this with friends and family to various degrees, and I guess it will also be like this with my career, but I want this to be at a minimum. My goal is to eventually become a manager, in other words, a leader of people. I have trained myself to become more of a listener, and I am slightly shy and introverted naturally, but I still need to exude confidence. Because frankly, I am confident. In myself. I just don't want to sound like a cocky douche.

Anyway, the hour I felt like I was misleading J and M and creating a wrong impression of me. I don't want to be babied. I want to be trained. I want to become more capable. I am not guilty, which is what J seems to think. I am proud of myself, however, for eventually telling J (to the best of my abilities, anyway) what I really wanted to say, which was about L and how to tell her gently that I want to be trained in a certain way. Perhaps the best way is not needing to say it... or saying it at an opportune moment. J recommended me to just stay outside and work with customers 

So the question becomes: how do I start consistently building that part of myself? How do I show confidence that other people are comfortable with? That is my question. But maybe the answer is simple: just don't be an asshole, but ask politely for what you want. Because if someone is uncomfortable with that, that's not my problem. (Or it might be, but the line of reason, that boundary, should be set by me. Stupid post-modernism and over consideration of perspectives.)

Okay, let's go with that.

Oh, and this should have been yesterday's post, but I was rerunning the scenario a little bit too much in my head. Today I went out with my parents to Stanley (super rare that they are both in the mood!! :D) and it helped me out a lot too.

Fell asleep last night when I opened up a random page from "Notes from the Universe" by Mike Dooley. One of my favourite books. Part of the entry read: 

"...Or when you finally remember to perform an act of faith, it feels kind of hokey? Or sometimes you catch yourself worrying, or thinking too much about the past, or wondering whether or not you have invisible limited beliefs holding you back? Well, that's exactly what all Illuminates go through (especially the good looking ones). But they arrive in spite of it [your goal], and so will you. Worry not; just keep chugging.

Hugs,

The Universe

No, not as in gulp, gulp, as in choo, choo."

^I know I had really good luck so far with my simple-minded requests. I will take this as a gentle sign from the Universe to be more direct, more simple, at least for now. Don't worry about this too much, it wasn't too bad of a mistake (I don't think I botched up anything. I hope I didn't anyway.)

Tomorrow is another day. I will start anew. Persona shift starts as soon as the mind shifts. And that shifting takes only a moment, that moment when the mind is acknowledges a change needs to take place, and all previous behaviours and habits, as comforting as it is to return to them, are no longer working, or appropriate to retreat to in this situation.