for the past few days I've been having anxiety symptoms, couldn't hold food down, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, was shaking a lot, cold sweats, y'know the typical. And i couldn't understand exactly why, it just didn't make any sense, but i just thought "okay, that's how anxiety works, sometimes it just appears and goes away". I just tried to ignore.
Today i woke-up and the feeling went away and i feel great, until i dawn on me, it's my birthday, and i realize why i was so anxious. No it wasn't because i'm getting old, kinda wish it was. It was because i don't like what happens after my birthdays. I don't think i have a birthday memory where after my birthday, everything was fine. My birthday parties, they were great, my mom was loving and kind, my brother was friendly, my grandparents were extremely kind. THE AFTER??? Oh that's when the "fun" started. Everybody was yelling, everybody was angry, suddenly they were mad that money was spent on a birthday party that i didn't even ask for, they just decide it to make. My mom was telling me on a very subtle way about how much i made her waste money on me, and that was something that stayed so much with me, that when she died the first thing i said was "I was too expensive, i made her spend to much money one me, it's my fault".
My brother got back to his regular self, yelling, hitting stuff, angry and blaming everyone around him, because he lost something. He was back to being loud, gross and inconsiderate.
My Grandparents were back to being cold and distant, looking at me like i was a mistake or something.
There were two situations where my family were nice to me, when i was sick, almost dying. Or my birthdays... And even when i was sick, that niceness only lasted for 4 days, after 4 days i had to be back or they would just say "fuck it, let her die, one less money to spend money"... I shouldn't feel like this.
Until this day, when someone want to do something for me, like buy me a bottle of water, i feel like i own them, because that's how i feel about my family. Like i own them money. Like somehow my existence causes them so much distress that i should pay for existing or for being around them. So, because i can't afford to give them money. I just make myself small. I avoid laughing, i avoid making sounds around them, i learned how to see how their faces change when i get close, just to leave as fast as i can.
Is this ptsd or something? I'm genuinely asking, because every therapist i had, told me i need to fix the relationship with my family and never cared about anything else.
I'm also sorry for rambling, i don't know where to run and i don't have many friends.
