Welcome To The Mess That Is Me

[frenzyarts]

I’m a magician in the sheets 😏 *pulls a rabbit out of my pussy*

[give-grian-rights]

-Mary Toft, 1726

[the-dumb-smart-friend]

Hold on I need to look something up

[the-dumb-smart-friend]

What

[give-grian-rights]

yeah. sorry

[chaotic-archaeologist]

Calling All Archaeoblurs

(Link to post)

Skype a Scientist matches your classroom, scout troop, or library with scientists for Q&A sessions for free!

If you're an archaeologist (or other kind of scientist!) at the graduate level or higher, consider filling out the form to spread the good word!

[byjove]

side quests from my dad: hey bud, can you identify this lizard? can you research search engine optimization for my business?

side quests from my mom: I need you to go into my downstairs closet. There is a crawlspace behind the shoe rack. Inside the crawlspace there is a cardboard Crown Royal box from the liquor store. Inside the box there are a number of cardigans I have not worn since the 1980s, you must find the navy blue one from Talbots and check the pockets. Your great grandfather’s suicide note and art deco ruby ring should be inside the right breast pocket. Have you located it? Can you use the cypher on the ring to transcribe great grandpa’s final message?

[stevishabitat]

[cryoverkiltmilk]

OP these are very specific

[niuniente]

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT KIND OF A NOICE PLS IT’S 3AM I’M CRYING WITH LAUGHTER SO MUCH MY NEIGHBORS WILL WAKE UP

[thegreathamedebate]

Me

[thebootydiaries]

The year is 2022. You’re driving home from work, wifey calls & asks you to get some diapers for the baby. You grab roses for her. Life’s good. She’s crying in the closet you forgot the diapers what’s she gonna do with roses idiot there’s shit everywhere this is why your parents never loved y

[thebootydiaries]

The year is 1351. You’re driving your ship home from work, wifey calls and sends you to the local store to get some rags as diapers for the baby. You grab a bouquet of flowers for her too. Life’s good. You both die from the plague

[thebootydiaries]

The year is 2020. You’re driving home in your tractor after voting for Trump, the man of your people. Your sister calls and asks you to get some diapers for the baby you bought from the Walmart parking lot last week. You steal roses for her on your way out. Life’s good

[thebootydiaries]

The year is 2068. You’re staring at the most beautiful stranger. She explains to you that she’s your wife. You have dimentia. You smile and take her hand as your grandchildren jump around the room. You’ve lived a good life. Suddenly you’re staring at the most beautiful stranger

[thebootydiaries]

Anyway I’m back on my bullshit

[thebootydiaries]

The year is 2019. Your fiancé just got you roses in your big house with 3 cars and 5 dogs. You did all this to tweet it with “We’re only 19, what are you doing with your life?” You got 5 retweets. He’s been buying roses instead of food for weeks. You can’t cook. You haven’t eaten in 3 days

[thebootydiaries]

The year is 2018. You’re scrolling through Tumblr and you see a post by none other than thebootydiaries. “Goals”, you think to yourself. Yes, this was it. What you’ve been waiting for. Your entire life has led up to this. Your fingers shake as you type your comment. “Goals.” You hit reblog as you’re trembling, the chair squeaking ever so slightly. “I can’t wait to forget diapers, and have dementia.” You sigh. “And buy a house, dogs, and cars. And…and…” goosebumps race through your entire body. “And get the plague.”

[theproblematicblogger]

So I have a question for my followers: are there any conspiracy theories you’re 100% convinced are real

Canadian prime minister Justing Trudeau is the illegitimate son of the late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro

Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

[feminists-against-feminism]

Castro with Treudeau’s parents

holding Justin’s older brother as a baby

Supposed parents are both white, yet Justin has Brown nipples

See, the nipples angle is just not something I would’ve thought to pursue

[feminists-against-feminism]

1000$ says his brother, who actually looks like his father Pierre, has pink nipples.

[theproblematicblogger]

Do we have a picture of Fidel’s nipples? My searches have yielded fakes and forgeries.

The FBI agent watching me is about to be very concerned.. *opens Google and starts typing*

Fidel Castro’s Nipples

[anexperimentallife]

BatmanIsBruceWayneTheButtsMatch.jpg

[italiancore-deactivated20220107]

The results are in:

[wooteena]

are you telling me americans have stores that open up SPECIFICALLY for halloween and just. dont exist any other time of the year. you people are insane

[offishly]

Imagine an empty storefront. Some business that closed years ago. The building stands empty, unused for literal months. And then boom. Fall comes around and there’s a Spirit Halloween. There’s no escape.

[wooteena]

what the fuck 😁

[enderenby404]

Yeah this is a thing

[krystal-prisms]

Are you serious

[what-even-is-thiss]

Yes and they are divine gifts of beauty and cheap plastic lawn decorations.

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

… I honestly assumed that the existence of Halloween stores was just a running joke in American TV shows.

[what-even-is-thiss]

No they’re very real

[onepersonfriendgroup]

Can confirm this phenomenon also occurs in Canada

[fan-enby-anonymous]

It’s fun

[what-even-is-thiss]

Oh, it’s a blast.

[moonybyte]

Wait, so during non-halloween they are just empty? Like, they don’t switch between seasonal decorations (like christmas, easter, etc), they just…close and wait for next year???

[strawberrydragon]

Yeah, it’s not a permanent store. A company will rent an empty building for the 2-3 months before halloween, sell halloween stuff, and then clean everything up and disappear until the following year. And they’ll usually set up in different buildings from year to year. They just find any good-sized empty store space that will give them a cheap, short-term lease.

It’s so temporary that the halloween stores don’t even have a real sign, they just hang up a banner outside:

[wheeled-jack]

So you’re telling me that every year for a month or two the Spirit of Halloween possesses a dead building then disappears?

[velvety-vixen]

that is exactly what we’re telling you

[pointnclick]

mel blanc fuckign yelling

[blueboy1299]

[transcraft-deactivated20220718]

[cave-spiders]

HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[cave-spiders]

Dear internet i am delighted to announce that we have made it to

Bee Spin Saturday!!

[Volume up 🔊]

[cave-spiders]

Come here its time for your weekly dose of

Bee Spin Saturday

[epilepticsaints]

[springwood-slashwhore]

[sundayswiththeilluminati]

How 4,000 Physicists Gave a Vegas Casino its Worst Week Ever

What happens when several thousand distinguished physicists, researchers, and students descend on the nation’s gambling capital for a confer...

Fun fact: after the American Physical Society held their 1986 annual meeting at the MGM Grand, the entire city of Las Vegas politely asked APS to never, ever come back.

Was it because the physicists were super-smart MIT-blackjack-team forerunners who took the casino for everything it was worth? Actually, the complete opposite: they didn’t gamble. At all. After all, they knew their statistics. Most of them were broke grad students who had no intention of throwing away their stipends on fundamental misunderstandings of Poisson processes. As a result the casino gaming floor was dead. Sometimes the winning move really is not to play.

[thebyrchentwigges]

@sixth-light

[sixth-light]

Me the only time I’ve ever been to Vegas - had one beer and didn’t gamble a cent. Funny thing is, they happily welcome back hacker cons, and you’d think hackers would be at LEAST as aware of probability. Apparently not!

[random2908]

When I was a kid living in LA, we went to Vegas pretty regularly, since it was only about 4 hours away. My parents would find coupons in the LA Times in the off season and we’d go for a few days. Our whole family could stay in one of the fancy Strip hotels for like $20 a night, and there were $5 all-you-could-eat buffets with actually good food. Plus the arcades were amazing. And so was the hiking! Which is what we were really there for. Red Rock Canyon, with all its tiny caves that you can easily climb up to, is amazingly fun when you’re a little kid. Our vacations were very much subsidized by gamblers.

Relatedly, one time when I was a kid, a large chunk of my extended family went on a cruise to see an eclipse. Everyone on the cruise was scientists or science hobbyists. The crew didn’t know what to do with us! Everyone wanted the 6 pm dinner, no one wanted the 10 pm dinner that you had to dress up for. The casino was empty for the entire week. A group of passengers demanded that all the lights on the deck be turned off at night, even the pretty decorative ones, for at least an hour and preferably more, every single night. One night at dinner, my grandmother saw dolphins out the window, and as word spread the entire dining room emptied, even though it was still the middle of dinner. And that’s not even getting into how my grandfather started talking to the cleaning staff (who were not supposed to talk back) and found out they wouldn’t be let off work to see the eclipse, and within hours had formed an entire committee to go with him to demand to speak to the captain about this mistreatment of the staff.

There are… a lot of places where large groups of scientists probably aren’t welcome a second time.

[officialdavidduchovny]

[peachpitgirl]

what the fuck is this

[fyeahfoxmulder]

he loves shrimp can’t you read

[balaclava-trismegistus]

take it easy bigguy

[mellifexfarm]

Hot hot hot hot chocolate

HEY WE GOT IT

[mellifexfarm]

[jawd]

[jawd]

[jawd]

[jawd]

[passwordispassword]

PLEASE THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I’VE SEEN THIS THIS AFTERNOON.

[smol-bi-nb-boi-deactivated20211]

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[bruhhhlookiturhead]

OOOOOOOH WE GOT IT

[shinonart]

Swan Dragon

Pretty as it may seem it is notoriously aggressive. As if its strong wings weren’t enough this son of a bitch also spits acid.

[lustforlife13]

@elodieunderglass

[elodieunderglass]

Full of love for life!

[throbbin-bobbies]

Don’t you mean

#Swagon

[mrrrrps-deactivated20201225]

Visit Original Link

ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

[shadowcat]

THIS IS RHE FUNNIEST SOUND THING IVE EVER HEARD ON THIS SITE IT MAJES ME LAUGH SO MUCH I LOVE IT IM SO HAPPY

[jollyperfectionkitten-8e36536f]

Someone: How was your day

Me: ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

[andifbyyes]

You all have no idea how long I’ve been looking for this post!!! I’m so happy to see it again! It’s been 84 years and I can still smell the fresh paint. Holy shit thank you so much, Internet, I love you!!!