All we need is coffee and therapy

Random headcanons, incorrect quotes, and in-character responses of the Batfam

[to-be-a-bat]

Joker is on grinder as he does, swipes right on totally not Bruce Wayne's secret grinder account. Then all of a sudden he hears a grinder notification come from the rafters

[to-be-a-bat]

I wrote some StephCass fanfic like a year ago and never shared it here, take it Cassandra Cain Was Made For Fighting

[to-be-a-bat]

Who in the Batfamily doesn't have verified social media and why is it Bruce.

At first Bruce did have it but he forgot the password to the account. During Batman Hush Elliot gained access to the account so technically it was his but he didn't care about it and eventually it somehow made its way into the hands of Clayface.

Now the batkids know its Clayface, but they do everything in their power to make it look like its actually Bruce, replying to his posts and interacting with him on social media to keep up appearances. Bruce gets tired of this eventually and tries to hack the account back but Barbara makes sure all his attempts fail. Eventually he has enough and a court case happens to give the account to the real Bruce Wayne. Clayface disguised as Bruce shows up to dispute. Elliot also shows up because he thought it would fuck with Bruce. The Batkids hire Martian Manhunter to show up as Bruce so now there are FOUR Bruce's in the court. Plastic Man also shows up for some reason disguised as Bruce. Eventually half the court room is full of Bruce Waynes and the Judge is trying desperately not to loose his shit.

[to-be-a-bat]

Oh no, I totally mean during the whole Hush fiasco before he did the surgery to his face to look like Bruce. It wasn't part of the plan but he learned the password during the set up for the whole thing and was like, "hey if its there..."

Also Plastic Man is there looking like Bruce Wayne but he isn't acting like him at all and sometimes starts to "melt" because he's bored

[to-be-a-bat]

Who in the Batfamily doesn't have verified social media and why is it Bruce.

At first Bruce did have it but he forgot the password to the account. During Batman Hush Elliot gained access to the account so technically it was his but he didn't care about it and eventually it somehow made its way into the hands of Clayface.

Now the batkids know its Clayface, but they do everything in their power to make it look like its actually Bruce, replying to his posts and interacting with him on social media to keep up appearances. Bruce gets tired of this eventually and tries to hack the account back but Barbara makes sure all his attempts fail. Eventually he has enough and a court case happens to give the account to the real Bruce Wayne. Clayface disguised as Bruce shows up to dispute. Elliot also shows up because he thought it would fuck with Bruce. The Batkids hire Martian Manhunter to show up as Bruce so now there are FOUR Bruce's in the court. Plastic Man also shows up for some reason disguised as Bruce. Eventually half the court room is full of Bruce Waynes and the Judge is trying desperately not to loose his shit.

[to-be-a-bat]

Planning on coming back to this blog soon sorry for the long hiatus!

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Barbara should of been the one to adopt Cassandra not Bruce

[to-be-a-bat]

To add onto this post Babs should also adopt Charlotte Gage-Radcliffe

[to-be-a-bat]

People: Damian Wayne is a heartless/emotionless demon gremlin

Me: DAMIAN WAYNE IS A CHILD WHO GREW UP IN A HORRIBLE SITUATION WHERE HE WAS TAUGHT THAT KILLING WAS A GOOD THING AND WAS EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED BY HIS MOTHER AND GRANDFATHER SO HE WOULD BE OBEDIENT. HE IS SCARED, HE LASHES OUT, HE'S WORKING ON IT. HE HASN'T HAD ANYTHING NEAR A NORMAL CHILDHOOD, HE GOT HIS FIRST FRIEND WHEN HE WAS 12/13. THE FIRST PERSON WHO WAS WILLING TO TAKE THE TIME TO ACTUALLY HELP HIM AND TEACH HIM WAS DICK GRAYSON. HE'S DIED AT LEAST ONCE AND BROUGHT TO NEAR DEATH TO THE POINT MULTIPLE ORGANS HAD TO BE REPLACED, ALL WHILE HE IS STILL A CHILD. I DON'T CARE HOW MATURE HE IS FOR HIS AGE, HE IS A CHILD AND THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO IGNORE/FORGET THAT IS HORRIFYING.

[to-be-a-bat]

Everyone: bundled up in warm clothes and blankets because the power is out and the mansion is freezing

Tim: wearing shorts and a t-shirt

Steph: Tim aren't you freezing in that?!

Tim: A true hoe never gets cold

[to-be-a-bat]

Batfam Sleep Schedule Headcanons

Alfred:

Military schedule

In bed by 9 pm and up at 5 am on the dot if he has anything to say about it

He rarely does

Will enforce this on anyone recovering from broken bones or other injuries that keep them from vigilantism

Sleeps in full pajama set

Bruce:

Master of the 3-4 hour power nap

Mentally rests by running on auto pilot when at Wayne Enterprises

Small bags under his eyes

Agrees with Alfred about enforcing healthy sleep for those injured

Unless he's the one injured

Sleeps in underwear

Dick:

3 am - 10 am

Cop shift 11 am - 8 pm

Nightwinging from 8:30 pm - 2:30 am

Probably the healthiest of the nocturnal Batfam

Sleeps in athletic shorts and a t-shirt

Barbara:

Sleeps whenever she can for a couple hours

Usually while the Birds of Prey are in the air between missions

Or when Dinah forces her to

1 out of 5 times will wake up in a cold sweat with Joker's laugh and a gunshot ringing in her ears

Sleeps in underwear and a t-shirt

Jason:

Doesn't sleep

Seriously

Since he's been brought back by the pit he no longer needs to sleep

He can sleep but he'll wake up in a cold sweat and breathing heavily thinking that he died again

The best sleep he's had post-resurrection was when Roy and Kori fell sleep leaning on both sides of him

If he tries to sleep it's just in the clothes he's wearing

Tim:

Tries to be the master of 3-4 hour power naps

Fails

Will lie around and "relax" calling it rest

Will make people watch the "Deadliest Catch" episode of Myth Busters to prove it's still rest

Sleeps in sweatpants and a hoodie

Steph:

Sleeps in superhero pajamas and onesies

Between school and vigilantism she usually sleeps from 4 pm to 8 pm and 3 am to 6 am

Very heavy sleeper

Cassandra:

Sleeps in the nude when alone

At the same time prefers to sleep cuddling with others and will randomly show up in other's beds

Wears other peoples clothes to sleep in

Prefers Steph's onesies or Steph's sweatpants and Tim's hoodies or Steph's old Batman pajamas (which Steph stopped wearing after meeting Bruce)

Sleeps when others sleep

Very light sleeper

Damian:

All of the animals must be on his bed for him to sleep

If Dick is in the mansion when he has a nightmare he will crawl in bed with him

If not then he will call him instead acting like he is checking in on him

Dick knows this but plays along while also making sure Damian is okay

Sleeps in athletic shorts and long sleeve shirts

(When he's older he starts wearing Jon's shirts)

Duke:

Most normal sleep schedule from being the daytime Bat

Frequent nightmares from watching his parents nearly die and later jokerized as well as one of his robin buddies blowing up

Sleeps in his underwear or underwear and t-shirt

[to-be-a-bat]

Barbara should of been the one to adopt Cassandra not Bruce

[to-be-a-bat]

HiC Rewrite - Robin

ROBIN is sitting on a stool, his arms crossed over his chest and hood raised over his head.

R: This is pointless, I was bred to be the perfect soldier, I shouldn't be here.

ROBIN looks down at his arms, hiding a scowl on his face.

R: But I'm not perfect. I try to do what is expected of me, but it always seems like it isn't enough… or that I was wrong.

R: Grayson always managed to see the best in me, even when father couldn't. Even when I couldn't. In many ways, he was more of a father figure to me than Batman ever was.

ROBIN looks back up lowering his hood

R: I had so much blind faith in father, I was unable to believe he could be wrong, that he could make mistakes. I thought that he was better than me. But he is just as bad as me, thinking that he knew best, I guess we had that in common.

ROBIN looks down again

R: I have been all over the spectrum. I’ve killed because I thought it was the right thing to do, I’ve spared those that others wouldn’t of. I’ve obeyed my father’s every order and I’ve done the things he’s too scared to.

ROBIN looks up, tears falling from his mask

R: So how come I don’t know what the right thing to do is? Why does everything I do feels like a mistake? I’m told to be good and to follow orders, but the orders don’t make sense, they don’t follow what I’ve been taught all this time, so what is good and what is bad, and what am I?

[to-be-a-bat]

Damian and Tim bond over Pokemon games.

Tim has been playing them his whole life practically and has caught every single pokemon in the games. He also is usually found outside the nearest game shop for the midnight releases of the new games.

After Damian arrived and the two of them fought a lot Tim noticed the younger male's love of animals and left a DS with a copy of pokemon Emerald in it on his bed. Damian claimed to have destroyed the device but Tim later saw him focused on it in the mansion library.

Now Damian is much more open about playing it and when new games get released he's there with Tim to pick the opposite version of his older brother. Damian claims it's so he can destroy Drake in a more acceptable way but no one believes him.

While Tim is breeding pokemon for perfect stats Damian is shiny hunting.

No one is sure when, but Cass also joined them and neither of the batbros can beat her in the game.

[to-be-a-bat]

After Brooklyn Nine-Nine did the Holloween Heist the Batfam started their own version. They take it very seriously and it can involve running all over the globe or just being in Gotham. So far the winners are

1. Tim

2. Barbara

3. Alfred (they went to far and he had to send everyone to their rooms, even Bruce)

4. Dick

And

5. Duke

(Cass doesn't participate but enjoys watching her family's shenanigans as well as acts as the on call vigilante for the evening)

(Damian's plans rely on his pets but they are easily bribed by treats and pets. He wants to strengthen their resistance to bribes but ends up spoiling them and falls to the same failure every year)

[to-be-a-bat]

When he was 11-13 Damian wanted to go trick or treating but Holloween in Gotham is such a terrible time for crime that he was never able to