scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 16 (masterpost here)
*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*
Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.
Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.
Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.
Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*
Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.
Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?
Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?
Jason, sitting back down: dammit,
Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-
Duke: i still don't want to be here.
Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.
Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.
Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.
Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-
Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-
Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!
Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?
Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?
Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?
Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.
Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*
Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.
Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-
Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?
Bruce: Damian- sit back down,
Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.
Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*
Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.
Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?
Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?
Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.
Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.
Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!
Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.
Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-
Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?
*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*
Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-
Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*
Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?
Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.
Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?
*complete and utter silence*
Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*
Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?
Jason, flatly: three times.
Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*
Bruce: ok Jason you can go,
Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-
Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-
Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!
Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-
Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?
Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,
Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-
Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.
