“Presume Not That I Am The Thing I Was"

[catchymemes]

New Pixie and Brutus comic @pet_foolery

[artist-calico-jack-deactivated2]

even better

[loafed-beans-deactivated2020082]

[fedkaczynski]

What’s funny is that this actually happened. 

[allamericankindofguy-actual]

I’m unfamiliar with this story please elaborate

[fedkaczynski]

Finnish soldier gets separated from the rest of his unit but he’s the only one carrying the emergency amphetamines for the unit, takes too many and goes on a one man rampage for like 2 weeks straight giving the opposing Soviet soldiers nightmares for decades. Oh and he did it all on skis. 

[ethereal-insight-deactivated201]

Did he survive?

[loafed-beans-deactivated2020082]

Yes, during his methed up 2-3 week rampage he got injured by a land mine, travelled 400km on skis, and only ate pine buds and a Siberian Jay that he caught which he ate raw. When he made it back to Finnish lines he was taken to a hospital where it was found his heart rate was nearly 200 beats per minute and his weight had dropped to 43kg (94.7lbs).

[doctor-roman]

His name was Aimo Koivunen if you want to look him up

[misteryada]

Those are the eyes of a man who has seen god and laughed

[oncelerfucker69-deactivated2019]

100 companies are responsible for 71% of global emissions and journalists are really telling average people to just take shorter showers. lol

[showerthoughtsofficial]

Trees live underground and use the above-ground part as a snorkel.

[wildlyunlikelybabe]

I fucking guess

[themostbeautifulanimals]

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

If you paid $1 million for a Banksy this is what you deserved.

[windupoperator]

u know what this is the only thing bansky has done thats cool

[micdotcom]

Judge Wolf is making headlines again for all the right reasons (x)

[shadesandregrets]

Isn’t this the same woman who refused to prosecute someone because the jail guards had refused to give her a full set of clothes?

[micdotcom]

It sure is!

[jungwildeandfree]

Justice Wolf.

[deflectionsinthemirror]

If only we could get her on the Supreme Court 

[dailyanimals]

[thursday]

[avery-universe-deactivated20150]

oh my fucking god

[notreewaits-deactivated20200806]

Toddlers are so pure. She doesn’t understand that we help her with certain things because she’s little. She thinks that everyone just helps each other like that. So she tries to blow on my food and cut it up for me and tries to help me put on my shoes.

[pussysoupforthesoul-deactivated]

i was giving little wagon rides to a baby around the backyard one day and all of a sudden she hops off and slaps the seat of the wagon telling me to get on because it was my turn and i was like no it’s ok im too heavy and she was like NO ITS UR TURN and kept tugging on my hand so i would sit down. eventually i got on and it was just a little 2 year old trying so hard to push me around on a wagon not understanding why it wouldn’t budge but still so determined to let me have my turn lol

[rushman2-0]

I work at a daycare with 2-year-olds and really frequently when I pass by one of my kids I just give their hair a little pat or ruffle, both as a way of letting them know I’m coming through so they don’t move suddenly and trip me, and just as a way of checking in, saying hey, taking their temp, etc. Well today we were playing inside and I was sitting on the carpet because we were playing ring around the rosie and I was tired, and one of my baby boys came up to me and gave my hair a rub and pat. And like it took me a second to realize what he was doing but, yeah. He was saying “hi.” He was saying “I love you”

[skirtswithpockets]

When the toddlers ol clean up, we give them ice cubes to suck on and we congratulate them on their hard work. One time when I was helping a boy pick up a huge block and he told me “you need TWO ice cubes”. 

[thebootydiaries]

robber: hey give me all ur money

me: how about i instead buy that gun off of u for all my money

robber: ok

robber:oh shit now ur gonna rob all ur money back

me:no im not a dick who robs people

roober: that hurt way more than any bullet would

[profeminist]

[bob-belcher]

[mercedesbenzodiazepine]

I’m sending him a friend request LMAO

[weavemama]

SHOUTOUT TO THE MISS PERU 2018 CONTESTANTS FOR GIVING STATS ABOUT WOMEN’S ISSUES INSTEAD OF THEIR BODY MEASUREMENTS

[tropiuz-deactivated20200618]

AHHH PERÚ DID THAT!!!

[writing-prompt-s]

Your church-going, God-worshipping sister adopted a small child and you’re excited to see them. But when you do, the child is a menace. They’re throwing things everywhere, setting furniture on fire with seemingly nothing, chanting in Latin to summon demons, but the weirdest thing is that your sister doesn’t seem to mind.

[vacantmall]

“You literally adopted the antichrist, Anne. What the fuck.”

“Yeah, I knew when I saw him at the orphanage. I figured if the kid had some decent fucking parenting that we could avoid the whole ‘Revelations’ shite. Nasty business, that.”

George, who’s name has been kindly changed from Damien, approaches his new mother with a huge spider in his hands. It promptly bursts into flames.

“Good job, love. Now go find the rest.” George’s face makes no expression, but his eyes shine when he recieves a pat on the head for his efforts.

[talieclandestine]

As the months go by, George seems to settle down. He adjusts to school, friends, and the positive reinforcement Anne gives him. She encourages the good he does, even though the powers he uses aren’t “good”. When she gets calls from the school, it’s about a rambunctious boy that won’t sit still. Not a destroyer of the world and innocence.

It’s at Christmas dinner, that you let slip your amazement to your mother. How good Anne is for him and how he’s improved a lot. Still summoning hellhounds for games of fetch, though.

“Oh, he’ll forget how to do that when he falls in love the first time,” Your mother laughs, smiling wide.

“How do you know that,” you ask bewildered.

“Because, you did.”

[solarcat]

okay so someone please write the story of the family of super-low-key holy warriors who have made it their mission to locate the antichrist in every generation (because when one gets spoiled they try AGAIN) and adopt them and love them into not being the antichrist anymore, thus perpetually delaying the apocalypse

[eldritchsandwich]

delaying the apocalypse via good parenting I love this

[givemeunicorns]

@phoenixwrites please work this into your universe. please.

[almightycows]

im not much of reader but i would read the FUCK outta this

[bot-dad]

Hello not much of reader but i would read the fuck outta this, I’m Dad!

Dad^bot^1. Disappointing each other includes you. | PayPal | Patreon Beep-boop!

[ixhvenus-deactivated20200308]

how come no one talks about those days where your mental health just crashes down randomly and you start feeling ashamed of yourself because you were doing so good and now you feel like a complete failure because you can’t figure out where you went wrong.

[memeufacturing-deactivated20161]

a person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff . however , a duck from 150 years ago would just be all like ,still got lakes? yes ? okay cool

[elodieunderglass]

“How fleeting are all human passions compared with the massive continuity of ducks.”

― Dorothy L. Sayers, Gaudy Night (1935)

[chatdomestique]

Reblogging again because I thought they changed the quote so I decided to look up the actual quote and it’s not fake that is very much the actual quote

[professorcapybara]

Man Who Lost Arm By Plunging It Into Lava Smugly Refuses To Describe What Lava Feels Like

[professorcapybara]

so i was running a fever the other day and have no memory of writing this