Reflection & Healing

Sometimes all we need is a new perspective

[tomorrowimokay]

I’ve been thinking about love, but more specifically about the ‘spark’

You ask “how is a spark supposed to last a lifetime if our love is forever my darling?”

Our love is like a campfire; two loving souls keeping each other warm overnight

I reply “but my love, we needed a spark to get the flames roaring but now we need to keep the fire alight”

So let’s keep this fire going together

But remember the most important rule darling, a campfire will eventually die if neglected

[tomorrowimokay]

I’ve come to learn, i think, the most important lesson of all. Love is an inconspicuous phenomenon, it changes with the tides; ebbs and flows with the seasons. It is not a constant and fixed arrangement between two willing parties.

When the excitement of this new, shiny thing fades, as everything new eventually and inevitably does, a calm and committed contract is written between two people when the dust settles.

In what is a cruel, twisted and precarious world, what could be more important than the calm we feel in our bones with a simple ‘hello’ or ‘goodnight’, anchoring us to a world full of love and devotion.

[tomorrowimokay]

I've been mad at the world for a very long time. I used to hate everyone and everything because they weren't enduring the suffering i was. But now, when i wake up, the sky is a little brighter and the bird song a little more in tune. I guess this is what healing is supposed to feel like, finally.

[tomorrowimokay]

There have been many people that made a temporary shelter in my life, some left because i no longer wanted them, others left on their own accord. Like a petrol station, it's not intended for an over-night stay it's just a permanent place that serves a temporary purpose.

I can't say i miss all the people that left me for the open road, but there are a few i will always hold very close to my heart, these are the people i will never forget and i'm perfectly okay with that.

[tomorrowimokay]

Is it terrible of me that i hoped you had some broken pieces, pieces that would understand mine? Me and you were from a different neck of the woods. There are dark, thunder-like clouds over mine, yet the sun never seemed to stopped shining over yours. It was only a matter of time before the journey from your sun soaked forest to my toxic wasteland would become too treacherous for your soul. I couldn't seem to explain that the fragile, sharp branches that would impale your skin every time you came close were once bright, beautiful trees. Every time you visited you'd water the ground in hope of a green wilderness, one that looked like yours, except you couldn't understand that my forest needed more water than you were equipped for. It has been neglected for too long.

[tomorrowimokay]

The process of moving on can be confusing. It doesn't matter what you are moving on from, i think the journey to your next chapter from the previous is always tricky. For me, i never know how many things to pack and because of that i end up taking everything with me. I guess thats why i'm still carrying around all these heavy memories, some of which are from very old chapters, chapters where i know the characters will never return to the story. It's the art of moving on that i will never truly understand. If you'd ask me what i'm most jealous of in others, i would not say i'm jealous of their mind blowing intelligence or their ability to paint the most beautiful paintings, no, i am jealous of their ability to make peace with their past. What a truly extraordinary gift that must be.

[tomorrowimokay]

Living with demons

I have always known there to be demons living within me. Sometimes they come to the surface, they take over my body, my emotions and my actions. Because of them, i have a hard time making proper connections with people and maintaining relationships with those close to me. Whenever i try and get close i can feel my demons pulling me away again, whispering in my ear and telling me stories of tragedy and destruction. They tell me everyone's intentions are bad and people will only be in my life temporarily before moving onto something better, something less broken than i am. It's a terrible thing living with these demons and the supply of energy it takes to fight them off each day is depleting. Over the years i have had a hard time summoning an army of anything strong enough to repel them from my body, i can only imagine it taking a certain amount of bravery i do not yet have. I know i cannot live with these demons forever, i know they will eventually kill me if they are left to play unattended. If only there was a spell to reverse this curse i was born with. Or maybe i was born with no curse and there are no demons. Either way they feel very real and i have yet to find a way to send them away forever.

[tomorrowimokay]

I thought i saw you today, you were walking along the seafront, i was sat on the beach. I thought about running after you, I thought if you saw me you’d change your mind about leaving. But i stayed where i was, and you carried on walking. I guess that’s how we were when together, you were always one step ahead of me and i felt like i couldn’t keep up. All i wanted you to do was wait, i guess that was asking too much.

[tomorrowimokay]

The one that got away

I've had a few relationships in the 21 years i've been walking this earth so far. One has certainly damaged me more than the others, the first time i fell in love with someone. It was that hopeless school love people have, the kinda relationship where you think you'll be together forever. But as time goes on and people change and feelings change and we both moved away to different universities that relationship came to a bitter, painful end.

If i'm honest, nearly 3 years down the line it has stopped me from committing to someone that was utterly perfect for me. She was everything anyone could ever want, untouched by life's harsh lessons, lessons that always seem to land on me, at least thats how it feels. The thing is, even though we were seemingly perfect for each other or 'good on paper' if you will, we were both at different stages in life. Even though we were the same age, life had treated us both very differently. She had a perfect family, a family i could only dream of having, she had the perfect friends and a perfect life. She radiated happiness and optimism where ever she went and it reflected in everything she did. Me on the other hand, life had dealt me a very different deck of cards. I come from a broken family, a family i feel ashamed to call my own, i have lived through many considerable losses and felt the worst sort of pain i would never wish on anyone else.

You see, me and her were perfect for each other, if you saw us together you'd have thought "oh they look really good together" or you would have said to us "you two are perfect for each other". But the only problem was, even though we were written in the same book, we were written in different chapters, chapters where two characters weren't quite ready to meet each other yet. I've stopped reading the book now. But if i could ask one thing of you, even though we don't know each other, please keep reading on my behalf and tell me that me and her will meet again. When i'm a little less broken and she's got some more stories to tell. Tell me it's me and her in the end.

[tomorrowimokay]

I don't regret you, but i regret how we ended. How we couldn't leave each other without nasty scars and deep wounds. In a way, me and you were like fireworks dancing together in the nights sky. Gracefully twisting and turning in harmony as we left the earth for the stars, but like a ticking time bomb, we exploded into nothing but ash and dust. For a moment, there was an unusual beauty in that explosion, feelings of caring and compassion, but we both landed on opposite ends of the earth, never to see each other again. What a shameful tragedy that was.

[tomorrowimokay]

I struggle to see a future ahead of me. I find myself standing on a path with a lot of terrifying monsters standing in my way. These monsters are much bigger than i am and i'm struggling to understand their intentions. All i have to fight back are my tired, battered fists from a life time of fighting to stay alive. Maybe i'm just assuming they'll try and stop me, either way, i can't summon the courage to approach them.

[tomorrowimokay]

I write about endings a lot, i guess it's because the thought of something ending sends shivers down my spine. It's not that i don't understand why things end, after all, people move away, feelings change, circumstances change - endings are inevitable. The trouble for me is, i don't like accepting that it's time to say goodbye. It's like selling your first car or moving out of your first apartment, you know everything about it, you know what to do when something goes wrong. But when you let that go, you still know what to do, it's just not your responsibility anymore.

[tomorrowimokay]

I've been thinking about you lately. I can't help but wonder where you are and what you're doing. Have you done all the things you said you would do? I thought about calling or texting, but then i remembered, you're on a path i'm no longer following. Trouble is, i'm still a little lost without you, you were always a good traveller and i was just the boy carrying your bags behind you.

[tomorrowimokay]

Sometimes i think the universe just isn't ready for two people to be together. You and me should have worked, every potion was there to brew a powerful love spell, but somehow the magic could not be summoned. Maybe we'll meet again, at another time, in another place, maybe then will the universe be on our side.

[tomorrowimokay]

If you're feeling lost right now, if you see no clear direction in sight. Let me speak directly to you, i am navigating through an uneasy period in my life too.

I have often found the idea of something ending heartbreaking, no matter how small it may be. For some reason, i can't get my head around the idea that in a second, something can just slip away out of reach and may never return to you. You might find we agree on this matter. But whether you agree or not, it is not a natural human reaction to enjoy an ending, unless of course, it is an ending to something traumatic or bad. But even then, we get used to those reoccurring events in our lives, even if it causes us the greatest of pain. We find comfort in what we know as familiar.

There is no easy way to navigate your way from one ending to a new beginning, no one left you with directions on where to go next or if there was a clever little shortcut you could take to reach your next destination. But i think thats the magic of life, we don't know what is around the corner, it could be amazing or it could be another bad experience. Theres only one thing you should be sure of, you should be sure that you'll always go forward from now on, sure, the odd look in your rear view mirror is sometimes necessary, but don't make a habit of it. After all, you'll end up crashing.

[tomorrowimokay]

To wait until you are ready would be like waiting for all the stars to drop out of the sky.

[tomorrowimokay]

It's a difficult thing, letting go of something you knew was never going to work but you desperately wanted it to. I ask myself, what do i do now? Wait for our moment to come again in the future and break my own heart in the process? Or do i write the final words of this chapter and turn the page? If you were here, maybe we could have figured that out together. Either way, i'm never going to stop missing you.