Trans Vegan Survivor

Mid-Thirties, Trans Nonbinary Male, Vegan, Sexual Assault Survivor, In Recovery from a Severe Eating Disorder and Substance Abuse. Diagnoses: Autistic, PTSD, Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, Anxiety

[transvegansurvivor]

About Me and This Blog

I am a mid-thirty year old nonbinary trans man. I have also been vegan for 12 years. I am in recovery from a severe eating disorder (bulimia and ARFID) and from substance abuse. I am diagnosed with autism, bipolar 1 with psychotic features, anxiety, and PTSD, as well as a few physical chronic illnesses. 

I have been hospitalized for these issues several times now. I have also been to inpatient, residential, PHP, and IOP for the eating disorder a few times.

I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults, an emotionally and physically abusive ex husband, and an emotionally abusive parent and emotionally and physically abusive brother (estranged, thank goodness).

I am currently in therapy doing EMDR for the traumas. I am also medicated to help deal with the bipolar, anxiety, and PTSD.

I also practice mostly secular witchcraft, so you may see some witchy posts every now and again.

This blog is more or less a jumble of venting, positive mental health posts, and mental illness posts. And memes, of course.

Always feel free to drop a line. I’m happy to hear from people!

[transvegansurvivor]

So, I’ve been having really bad GI issues and haven’t been able to keep anything down for almost a full month. I’ve been hospitalized twice now and seen several doctors. I have a test for gastroparesis coming up at the end of the month. 

As a result of all this I’ve lost a lot of weight over the last month and the problem with that is that it is seriously triggering my ED. Actually the whole thing is very triggering. 

Not to mention that I told my GI doctor that I have a history of ED, so I can’t diet and he told me that it was too bad because I’ve “swung the other way”. So that was great. 

Anyway, now I’m struggling with GI issues and with ED issues. Awesome. 

[transvegansurvivor]

Just a note about psychiatric hospital stays.

I think people who haven’t ever been before often misunderstand the purpose of a psychiatric hospital stay. I think people tend to think it is a place to go to get treatment, but it isn’t. 

Psychiatric hospital stays have one purpose--stabilization. They are not meant to provide long term treatment. They are meant for people in an acute crisis situation who cannot be safe on their own. They will keep you there only long enough to get you out of that crisis.

If you are looking for long term treatment and think you need a higher level of care than individual or group outpatient therapy, what you want to look for is Residential treatment. 

Inpatient (psych hospital) stays are usually between 3 and 14 days long at most. Residential stays are usually months long. Inpatient may or may not offer group therapy sessions. Residential will give you group therapy, process groups, individual therapy, psychiatry, and maybe more (like equine or art therapy). 

There are also other levels of care, such as partial hospitalization (PHP--think day program) and intensive outpatient (IOP--think lots of group therapy). 

Psych hospitals serve a very specific purpose and (although your milage may vary) are somewhat good at that one thing--keeping you physically safe in a time of crisis. But if you want actual treatment, you are probably not going to get it there. 

If you are in crisis and cannot keep yourself safe, by all means go to the ER! But if you are just desperate for longer term treatment that will help you get your life together and feel better long term, look into residential, PHP, or IOP. 

Good luck! Stay safe!

[transvegansurvivor]

So I have two people in my support system (outside of the clinical professionals), but only one that I can really go to about everything. Well, I thought that person (my best friend) was being distant, but I am depressed right now so I thought I must be making it up in my head.

Well, she texted me and told me that she is going through something right now and has been distant lately and that she’ll try to be there for me, but she can’t really. So it turns out I was actually right. And more than that, I can’t really use her as a support system person anymore because she’s going through her own thing. 

I understand, obviously. I feel like I have a crisis all the time, so I would be really shitty if I didn’t understand her going through something. But at the same time it kind of sucks because she was the only support person I could go to about what I’m going through now.

So now I can’t tell her when I’m struggling because I don’t want to put anything else on her. But that means that if I’m having SH or SI urges, I don’t have anybody to talk to at all. I’m using all the other resources I have, but if it is 9 pm at night, nobody is available to talk to aside from a hotline and those have not been super helpful for me in the past, especially if I’m not trying to go to the hospital for a grippy sock vacation.

Anyway, I’m just complaining. Not much I can do about it. I just feel really alone right now. Like when I was in the hospital for a physical illness and had to get an uber home because I don’t have anybody who could take me home. It’s just times like these that make me realize how few people I have in my life who care about and support me and that’s depressing. 

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[transvegansurvivor]

Just saw a video on psychotic depression and that shit is hitting a little close to home. Apparently nihilism can be delusional and all their example were things that are (to me) actually true though????

But they also said that the treatment involves hospitalization, so I'm just going to keep those beliefs to myself, lol.

[clusterb-itch]

[transvegansurvivor]

Was driving earlier and there was a car that was backing down a long exit onto the street from a parking lot. Weird, but my brain automatically though “Oh shit, the tape of the reality I’m being show is being played backwards there.” 

So I guess my derealization is acting up again. lol. 

[transvegansurvivor]

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[transvegansurvivor]

I just did the assessment for what I thought was going to be IOP, but he recommended PHP instead and will not allow me to do IOP. I can’t do PHP because it is every day from 9:30 am to 4:30 pm and I work. I cannot lose this job. That would make everything much worse and I would lose my insurance and wouldn’t be able to pay for PHP anyway. I haven’t been here a year yet so I don’t qualify for FMLA so basically I cannot take off. I don’t even have one week of leave because I have already had to take off so much.

So now I don’t know what to do. You would think some level of care would be better than no level of care, but they don’t actually care about that they care about liability. So I’m screwed. I can’t do PHP or IOP and my therapist has already asked me to go to the hospital once, so I’m very close to being thrown in the psych ward (which could also cause me to lose my job. Great).

Ugh.

[transvegansurvivor]

Well crap. My therapist just said she wants me to go to the hospital for an evaluation tonight. I think I talked her down, but she’s going to check in later to talk about it more. 

My best friend says to do whatever she says because I am not a good judge of how bad I’ve gotten. That’s true, but I really don’t think I’m at that point quite yet. Not really. Probably.

And I’ve got an evaluation for an IOP tomorrow and I start Spravato again tomorrow, so I really, really don’t want to go to the hospital and miss both of those.

Plus, I might get fired if I have to take time off work again. That will only make things much worse.

Ugh.

[pervocracy]

There’s a little rat inside your head.

This rat doesn’t know anything, but it knows that sometimes snacks fall into its cage, and sometimes the floor shocks its feet.  It likes the snacks, and it hates the shocks.  It will tell you to do things that produce snacks, and it will tell you not to do things that produce shocks.

This little rat is not the only power inside your head, and it might not be the strongest, but it’s there and it has influence.

So pay attention to how you’re treating the little rat.

If every time you learn something new, you say to yourself “ugh, I’m so ignorant for not already knowing this,” you’re shocking the rat.  You’re teaching it to be afraid of learning new things, to associate it with embarrassment and self-criticism.

Remember to feed the rat instead.  Tell it “now I know, and that is good,” and let it eat its snack in peace.

If every time you take care of yourself and your home, you say to yourself “ugh, I never do this enough, and I’ll never get it right,” you’re shocking the rat.  You’re teaching the rat that it was safer when you didn’t try to take care of things.

Feed the rat instead.  Praise what you have done, forgive what you haven’t, so the rat can feel safe.

When the rat takes a step in the right direction, even if the step is too small or slow or not in quite the right direction, feed it.  Don’t shock it for being imperfect; it’ll only learn not to take any steps at all.  Feed it, and let it get bolder, and take bigger steps, and give it bigger rewards for those bigger steps.

Be kind to your little rat.

[labelleizzy]

🐀🐀🐀 *pat, pat, pat*

[serenityquest]

[transvegansurvivor]

My therapist gave me this to help with SH urges. It can be used for any kind of distress though.

[transvegansurvivor]

[transvegansurvivor]