1,2,3 aaaaand you're back in the room....
It's been a month since I last posted and I could pretty much just cut and paste that text and post it again cos, well, business as usual.
Have I revitalised my eating habits? Nope...
Have I made some small changes? No no no...
Have I lost all sense of a remotely sensible eating routine and has all hell broken lose? Erm....
The good news first - I've got a new job (hurray!). A really good one, although i had 2 weeks after the interview (and a month at finishing at the old place) before i started, which have been mostly filled with lunches and shopping. Hard life!
When i got the call about the job, I literally felt like a ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders. To the point that I had to grab hold of a wall. So, yeah, literally. I then went home and had a little cry - a happy cry, but still a little cry. I then slept for 2 days.
Not just some nice lunches and the odd cake here and there. I reverted back overnight to the days of yore, and ate crap like it was going out of fashion. I thought this was down to the whole 'reward' thing - I've had a shitty 6 months, I've finally come out the other side and i deserve to reward myself with that 16" pizza and tub of ice cream. And i think part of that was true, certainly at first.
But something occurred to me last night while I was watching some Biggest Loser (cos that's how i roll!) - they were talking about eating as a shield. Being so scared to face something new, something different and, importantly, something that exposes you and your own ability, that the reaction is to burrow down into a cake selection and pretend that people aren't looking at you. And something tinged in my head - I have spent the last 6 months (or more) hating on my old work and everyone else around me (including myself), fretting about whether anyone was ever going to employ me. So, when i finally got a job, after the initial sign of relief, it suddenly hit me that I'd have to actually go and do it. Out into the unknown, really, for the first time in a long time. And i think i had a mini freak-out.
I've done the same thing before. Everything in the list below was going to be the reason for me to finally get a grip and lose weight (all the weight). I set myself targets-by-numbers (sometimes without telling anyone) and each and every time i missed the goal. Sometimes i still lost some weight, sometimes i had other goals that i achieved, but always i freaked out at the prospect of doing something that was just me and would put me at the centre of the circle, all eyes facing in...
My wedding - was it the best day of my life, marrying my best friend? Yes, of course! Do i WISH I'd have lost more weight and could've picked the dress i actually wanted?! A little bit...
Various races over the past few years - I've loved them all, I've finished them all, but i signed up for them ALL with a view that this would be it, the thing that finally sorted my head out. But they weren't...
My 30th - "by the time i'm 30 i will weigh...."
New Year, Christmas, Easter, Next Tuesday.......
The new job is yet another one on that list. "My new job will be the trigger for me to eat perfectly healthily all the time, and I'll lose weight by Christmas and look amazing and everyone will say so and it'll be great...." And then every time I've thought this I've panicked and ordered a burger. Because what if i don't do it? What if people judge me? What if, even after losing the weight, I'm still scared of X or unsure of Y?
Weight (and the food that put it there) is my shield. It's time to stop hiding.
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