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shark vs the universe
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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Product Placement
Janaina Medeiros
Mike Driver
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sheepfilms
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Sade Olutola
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AnasAbdin
DEAR READER
JVL
hello vonnie
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@tromburra
New bandwagon!
Describe your dog in one photo of them.
(Yes, I am eating in the Gordy photo.)
Probs this one. My little guardian gargoyle
Definitely this one 😂
No explanation needed
this fuckin cracks me up
Yup. Lucy and Daisy non-stop playing. Roxie staying away from the chaos.
It's someone's birthday today! Happy first year, Lucy!
THANKS, I LOVE YOU: there is a bus driver out there who things i had a very weird morning and he’s right
just two days ago, i was thinking, “you know what i haven’t done in a while? write a story about some stupid and embarrassing thing i’ve done. i wonder if this is because i’m twenty-seven and no longer a bumbling idiot who can’t make it through her day without bringing shame on her family?”
haha! said the universe. this bitch really thinks!!!!!
so this morning i was riding the bus to work, because i’m a grown up, who has a job, and i must take not one but two busses to get there. and i get off the first bus feeling a lot of hope for not just the day but the whole week. last week was cloudy and overcast, but this week! this week is going to be different. it’s sunny. i’m going to be productive. i’m going to be focused. i’m going to get things done.
spoiler: i’m going to abandon all these plans immediately.
i reach into my pocket to retrieve my wallet, which has my transit pass in it, and realize: it’s not there. it is also not in my other pocket. it is also not in my gym bag.
it is still on the bus.
you know that feeling when you’ve lost something where like, just before you go to see if you lost it you already know that you lost it?
it’s like how neo slows down time to dodge bullets in the matrix except instead of being that, it’s me realizing i have already done something incredibly stupid.
the problem with my wallet still being on the bus is that i myself am not still on the bus, which means that with every second, my wallet is getting farther away from me. this is distressing for many reasons but primarily i’d say that i don’t like it when my money and i are parted. i don’t have a lot of money, but what i do have i like to keep a very close eye on, because i need it to live, you see. still, there are lots of other things in that wallet that i don’t want to be parted from:
my drivers’ license, which i don’t use to drive anymore but is a nice picture of me and is also the world’s most ANNOYING thing to replace,
my work credit card and ID to get into the building,
my ventra transit card,
a wine punchcard on which i am only THREE WINES away from a $1 bottle of wine, and
a little post-it with the combination to my gym lock, which i am too dumb to remember but which i desperately need if i ever want to retrieve my running shoes from my gym locker.
i mean … y’all know that the only thing to do is chase that bus down. i’m not gonna cross my fingers and hope my wallet makes it to the lost and found. i don’t have that kind of luck.
my outfit for today was very, “90s straight girl meets her boyfriend’s sister and IMMEDIATELY becomes a lesbian,” so i was wearing 5-inch heels that weren’t conducive to running, which means i did the only sensible thing there was to do and kicked them off so that i could chase the bus in my bareass feet down the streets of chicago.
was this “safe”????? no.
but was it liberating???? also no.
did my foot my foot bleed and did it probably contract the black plague????? FOLKS IT DID!!!
anyway, there i went, sprinting down the sidewalk in my yellow floral romper and white jacket, heels in my hand, gym bag swinging behind me like a cartoonish ball & chain, and of course, because of who i am as a person, i almost immediately took a bad step.
friends, to say that i fell is to miss what happened, which is that i took an eight-foot vertical leap and did not land on my feet.
you know those cartoons where a cat gets scared and it jumps so far into the sky it touches the moon?
you know those videos of people with those water jetpacks where they can’t control them and they go rocketing through walls like the kool-aid man?
you know when a basketball player does that thing where they’re gonna dunk but they just absolutely whiff and end up lying dazed on the basketball court while whole stadiums of people laugh at them?
“oh my god,” someone yelled, maybe from their car, maybe from the bus stop, maybe literally god himself.
i looked up, dazed. there was a crowd of at least five people around me, all of them helping me to my feet, gathering my things. one very kind and very brave man ran out into traffic to retrieve my travel coffee mug, which – shoutout to my hometown’s endodontics practice, spilled not one single drop.
“are you all right?” one of the good samaritans asked. “holy shit you were – you were airborne for so long.”
you know when your brain has been scrambled and you know there’s some way you need to be reacting but you can’t make your body react that way?
i was like: “i have to catch that bus.”
“there are other buses coming,” Coffee Savior said. “like – in just a couple minutes.”
“no, i need that one,” i said, for some reason not realizing that i ought to clarify that my wallet was on that bus. one of the women, very kindly and warmly, stepped in close to me and put her arm around my shoulders and said, “between us girls, your boob is out.”
i looked down. the strap of my jumpsuit had popped off my shoulder, and indeed, my boob was out. i zipped up my white (WHITE. IT WAS WHITE. WHY DID I WEAR WHITE TODAY? YOU NEVER WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY!!!) jacket to hide this problem, which feels like a problem for Later Molly to deal with.
i took my things back from them, put my heels in my hand, and inexplicably left them with a cry of, “thanks, i love you,” before sprinting off again.
“THANKS, I LOVE YOU,” Shouts Bloodied Area Woman To Crowd Of Strangers While Running Barefoot Through Urban Center
i thought i’d become A Runner in the past few years by some weird fluky accident, but it turns out that i’d done it specifically so that i could chase this bus through not one but TWO intersections, because just as i reached it both times the light turned green. but when you’re already bleeding for a cause, giving up just feels like a waste.
this is called the fallacy of sunk cost, and it’s a stupid things human do that we shouldn’t.
i know this but i chased a bus for three blocks anyway and that just goes to show that the human mind is an enigma.
eventually, while turning a corner, the bus driver noticed me. he slowed down, looking perturbed by how far my fortunes had fallen since the last time we saw each other – which was less than five minutes ago – when i was, a) not bleeding, and b) not yelling at him.
he opened the door.
“i left my wallet,” i explained.
he blinked at me, but before i could get on, a man from the back row came running up to the front, holding my wallet in his hand. “you left your wallet,” he said, as if this would be news to me.
“you left your wallet?” asked the bus driver, in a tone that indicated what he meant was, why are you bleeding??????????
i took my wallet very gratefully from the other passenger.
i said, “thanks. i love you,” and the doors of the bus closed.
Why did I cackle like a lunatic reading this?
I always feel like such a spoiled little shit when I order my groceries online, like there’s some part of my brain that just rebels against the idea and wants to call it the height of lazy privilege, but honestly one of the most revolutionary things for my pain and mobility issues has been the ability to order groceries from an app on my phone and have them show up at my door 2-3 hours later. Sometimes within the hour if you want to pay extra for it.
Like god fuck and damn me I might be in too much pain to do much more than hobble to the kitchen some days, but at least there’s food in the kitchen if I can manage to make it there.
For everyone with chronic pain or acute agoraphobia, or any other issue that makes shopping difficult/impossible/torture, the return of grocery delivery is a blessing.
Yeah, I sometimes use it when I just don’t want to deal with Other People, but I’ve also used it to keep the grocery bill down because I’m not pulling the “ooh, that looks good” maneuver. It’s worse when I take Himself and The Spawn to the store with me.
But by using the delivery service, or even just the pick-up shopping option, you keep it viable for the folks in the area who Need the service.
It really is a return which so many people don’t seem to realize.
Grocery delivery options were the norm for quite a long time, with food co-operatives and grocers offering weekly deliveries of pantry staples, or if you knew you’d need something in advance but wanted to make sure it was as fresh as it could be, delivery on a designated day. My dad, meandering towards his 70s now, was a delivery boy from the ages of 13-16 when he became an apprentice to the butcher he used to run deliveries for. He used to cycle up and down the length of the West End of Glasgow, dropping off food deliveries door to door, and if he liked the person, picking up their groceries from other stores along the way.
The rise of personal cars, giant super markets, and yes, the home refrigerator, killed off this feature of grocery shopping. Until recently when it’s had a blessed resurgence, and I do mean actually blessed. There are days when I wouldn’t have had the energy to go out to the store and get food and would have subsequently had to go hungry until my able bodied partner finished his 10 hour work day and went to the store for me. And I am lucky that I have a partner who is able to do that. But not everyone is.
Which is why I think it’s such absolute bullshit when there’s posts going over my dash calling this kind of thing “peak privilege” because some people themselves are privileged enough that they can’t imagine not being able to get up and walk to the store to buy their food. Like that’s ultimately where the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach comes from. It’s thinking “well I’m just being lazy” cause other people are calling it that, which, no!
Some of us need these services! They enable us to live without further suffering and that’s vital!
And inevitably the same people saying this kind of thing will turn around and say “well I don’t mean you, obviously, I mean lazy/able bodied/ neurotypical Susan” which no! You’re not getting it! This is infomercials all over again!
I don’t care if lazy able bodied, neurotypical Susan uses this service, because without the lazy, able bodied, neurotypical Susans creating a demand for this sort of thing, it wouldn’t be available! If this service existed only for disabled people, it would either cost ten times as much, or it wouldn’t exist! Gah!
Just let people live, and maybe think ore carefully about the things you’re criticizing as lazy before you condemn them. Just because something is a luxury for one person, doesn’t mean it’s not a valid and vital necessity for someone else.
Which also doesn’t mean we can’t not talk about how the drivers doing these deliveries are underpaid and relying on tips to live. Like holy shit that is such a valid and necessary point to make and it should absolutely be taken seriously. But calling everyone who uses these services lazy or “problematic” is…uh, well I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, if you’re social activism doesn’t include people with disabilities, then you’re already failing.
I'm glad to hear I'm contributing to helping others who need this when I refuse to leave the house for no good reason except that it's too stinking cold outside.
Wife: “Hey, want to try some of this honey that I bought from a guy on the street?” Me: “No?”
My sweet April would have been 16 later this month. Goodbye, love, I'll miss you terribly.
Did you know that in the Bible there is a verse that basically says “its too early and you are too loud and I haven’t had my coffee yet so shut up”- Proverbs 27:14
I literally relate to this on a spiritual level.
A Tale of Two Doggos
Let me tell you a (very long) story. Yesterday, I got a text from my therapist (mental health, FTW!) who realized we didn’t set a date and asked if I could do a time slot that meant I left roughly 15 minutes after getting the text. Sure. I can do that. I get changed, hang up the video call with the sis, and head out the door. I’m driving down 47, which is a windy “highway” that’s full of unexpected things, like, dogs. Lo and behold, a presumably hurt doggo laying in the road on the other lane and another doggo standing over it. Flash my brights to the oncoming cars, slow down, Standing-Doggo trots off the road, Presumably-Hurt-Doggo jumps up IN FRONT OF MY CAR. Slam brakes on, we all stop and sit there. Presumably-Hurt-Doggo stays standing in front of car. Seriously doggo? Fine. No one else is getting out, I put my car in park, hit the hazards and hop out. Um, shoo the doggo off the road? Presumably-Hurt-Doggo won’t shoo. Presumably-Hurt-Doggo likes me. There’s four stopped cars, two the other way, mine and one behind me. I walk doggos to the side, let cars pass. Presumably-Hurt-Doggo (who is clearly FINE at this point) trots into the road and INTO MY CAR. Because I left the door open. Politely jumps into the passenger seat and starts licking my empty food container (I guess doggos love leftover ranch. Note to self if I ever have to lure a doggo in the future.) Now I’m standing on the side of the road across from my car with Standing-Doggo and Presumably-Hurt-Doggo licking ranch in my passenger seat. Sub-optimal start to the trip that was supposed to get me to the therapist. So now I take Standing-Doggo over to the car, he jumps in (because why not) and now I have two doggos in my car, they’re too big to squish to the passenger seat (these were BIG doggos. With hair so thick I couldn’t grab their collars, it was like a sheepskin on a dog. It was heaven. I want two.) and my backseat is so full of random crap that even if I can coax The-Doggo-Formerly-Known-As-Standing-Doggo, who is bigger than me, out of my driver seat, I can’t fit him into the back. At this point, people keep stopping and then going, including a freaking semi (okay, it was a log truck, but that’s semi-sized so it counts). Someone asks if I need help and I’m like, they’ve got collars (somewhere under the mounds of fur) and I got the street name before I lost the tag again but I have no idea where it is. They tell me, it’s that way. Wait, no, it’s the opposite way. Okay thanks. Here comes a cop car! Flashing lights behind me, yes thank you Mr. Officer (Chief! actually. Pretty certain since I’ve met him before). He asks if I’m broken down. No, but, uh, I’ve got two giant doggos in my car, they were in the road and what the heck am I supposed to do with them? I can’t drive with this doggo in the front seat and I don’t think he can drive either so we’re at an impasse. Mr. Office/Chief opens his back door, The-Doggo-Formerly-Known-As-Standing-Doggo hops out of my car, checks Mr. Officer/Chief’s backseat out and decides he doesn’t like it. Mr. Officer/Chief tells me, “I think they want to go with you.” Well, Mr. Officer/Chief, seeing as how there is room for two me-sized beings in my car and me and two me-sized doggos, that’s not possible. Presumably-Hurt-Doggo (WHO IS CLEARLY FINE NOW THAT (SHE?) ATE SOME LEFTOVER RANCH) hops out to follow The-Doggo-Formerly-Known-As-Standing-Doggo and we get Presumably-Hurt-Clearly-FINE-Doggo into the back. I grab significant handful of The-Doggo-Formerly-Known-As-Standing-Doggo’s fur (HEAVENLY. IT WAS LIKE GRABBING A CLOUD) and refuse to let him leave again, urge him into the backseat of Mr. Officer/Chief’s cop car with the previously flashing lights (tbh, they could have still been flashing at this point but idk since here was a statistically significant amount of me-sized doggos running around at this point). Clearly I cannot pick up this doggo so I push him to let him know what he should do and refuse to let him leave and eventually he gets in. I make sure we SHUT THE DOOR to the backseat of Mr. Officer/Chief’s cop car with the possibly previously flashing lights before The-Doggo-Formerly-Known-As-Standing-Doggo can jump back out. Mr. Officer/Chief asks me if I get a specific address off of the collar of The-Doggo-Formerly-Known-As-Standing-Doggo and I tell him no, he wouldn’t stand still, okaythanksbye and jump in my car to let Mr. Officer/Chief take care of The-Doggo-Formerly-Known-As-Standing-Doggo and Presumably-Hurt-Doggo-Who-Is-Clearly-Fine-And-Loves-To-Ride-In-Cars-And-Eat-Leftover-Ranch. And I drive away to therapy.
14/10 great doggo story
Oh i never updated you guys on teaching Thyme not to jump on people.
Tried all the usual stuff. Minimal progress he just too excited for the act of jumping not into actually greeting he just wants to jump.
Started putting treats/peanut butter on obliging peoples shoes before he greets. He does love sniffing for treats.
Now when fulfilling social obligations Thyme goes straight for sniffing the shoes while the person can pat him and both Thyme and People can get their cravings to meet each other out of their system in a happy manner.
Thyme gets something to sniff
Random people get to pat his back.
Nobody get knocked over
win/win!
Genius!
a ritual
blackest magic
Darkest arfs
Important. Someone also suggested to call shelters beforehand to ask what is most needed before donating.
YES! Please please call to ask! And just don't with the used underwear already.
Hey look at the title for my school’s tube ensemble, where there are 9 tubas.
“Music Played On Wildly Inappropriate Instuments” is my favorite genre of music.
Lmao i miss playing brass sm
How does anyone hate kids they are so funny I sold tickets to incredibles to this little girl and her mom and she’s like mom are we sitting next to each other and the moms like ya and the kid screamed YES so loud it broke my ears
The other day I was bringing an older gentleman up the hill in a golf cart and we drove past this huge YMCA group of kids like 100 kids and driving past the first chunk like 10 of them yelled out “let me on” in unison and then since I’m driving so slowly to be safe, halfway in some kid leaned up and said “do you play fortnite” and I told him I played a little and he just pointed and shouted “THIS GUY PLAYS FORTNITE” and then like 20 kids started talking to me all at once about fortnite
A kid asked me if I lived in the ambulance. I said yes.
The hero we deserve
When I was on register at Kohl’s a little girl came through with her grandma and she was so very excited to tell me the meaning of her name (I think it was like warrior of god) and she begged her grandma for her phone so she could google to find out what my name means too
i wear two spinner rings on one finger and one time at my last job a young girl (probably 6-8) said “your ring is very pretty” and when i showed her it was two rings she GASPED and said “does that mean you’re marrying two people?!”
I have this necklace with a mermaid on it that I wear to work a lot and I got asked by a kid if it gave me magic powers. I leaned in real close and told her in a low voice it gave me magical girl powers but it was a secret. She got this real serious look on her face and said to her mom “that lady has superpowers, don’t tell anyone or the government will take her away”.
The other day i had to give a speech at my school despite my horrific fear of public speaking and afterwards i had kid come up to me and say well done to me. It was so cute.
god I love tiny kids
there was a kid in one of our science camps and he spent the whole week in a lab coat and goggles screaming “CHEMICALS” at the top of his lungs. he wouldn’t even tell us his name for the first two days just screamed CHEMICALS instead.
One time a kid loudly told me that I have 'big boobies'
So I did an egg hunt at my place of work this morning. I don’t mean like I hid a couple dozen eggs and people rolled their eyes like “hey isn’t this a bit childish?”
I mean I got an entire staff of some 30 surgery, kennel, vet techs and receptionists to go absolutely wild running around our facility looking for 200+ colorful plastic eggs full of chocolate and sour patch bunnies and one golden egg with $10 in it
Like one person riding on another person’s shoulders to look on top of the high stacked kennels and using leashes as lassos
There was screaming and wild giggling and I’ve never seen so many grown ass women grinning and running around like kids in my life it was the greatest.
Apparently I am now the morale officer of my workplace but my boss (who somehow wound up covered in glitter at the end of the day despite literally none of the eggs having glitter on them) now knows me as
The Harbinger of Chaos
that sounds FANTASTIC
I LOVE IT
Why didn't I think of this when I worked pediatrics?
Lucy tried a little yoga today after watching my session. I think she has some practicing to do still...
