Dysfunctionable

A place for my Ramblings and everything else that consumes my mind.

[unclearmindwellness]

The things I had to do for a couple pieces of paper... It's official & they can't even take it back!!! 🎓 #2016grad

[unclearmindwellness]

Weather the Weather

weather

[weth-er]

to bear up against and come safely through (a storm, danger, trouble,etc.)

Slowly reciting incantations in our childhood home. Wishes and dreams and spells and hexes. Creating a blockade again the storm inside. Boarding up the windows to reduce the breakage. Covering mirrors with sheets because the reflection is dangerous. Hiding underground is safe. Throwing open the doors and howling with the wind is deadly. Sickly, green sunlight only means more danger. Closing your eyes only means more conjecture. Craving the feel of raindrops on skin- Yet, exposure to the elements requires the ultimate offering. Sub-Consciousness and Reality hold each other tightly as the storm subsides. Never quite knowing which one will let go first. Scared of what may be lost or what may be forgotten. The wreckage is a necessary path to beginning again. Sorting through what you will have to live without and accepting what has been left until next time. 

[unclearmindwellness]

Eat Well. Work Hard. Love Truly. Travel Often. Goodmorning! My morning run is one of the only things that keep me sane. This week has been full of adjustments and changes. All for the better- but labor intensive for sure. Having constants like the outdoors, my loved ones, and pineapples makes a world of a difference. ❤️🍍🌿#goodmorning #selfie #girlswithtatoos #fitfam #run #workhard #motivated #fitness #healthy #health #wellness

[unclearmindwellness]

Stop. Drop. Marichyasana. #yoga #yogainstructor #fitfam #bewell #girlswithtatoos #ink #ashtangi

[unclearmindwellness]

#tbt Today I am reflecting on my journey and things to come. I am so excited to see how things work out. #motivation #yoga #yogainstructor #ashtangi #girlboss #bewell #fitfam #love #light

[unclearmindwellness]

Class was great this morning! I am so grateful to spend the first moments of my day with amazing students. Now for coffee and reading. #sundaymorning #yogainstructor #yoga #readeveryday

[freethehippies-deactivated20160]

[unclearmindwellness]

Sensory

There are not names or faces for those that I write to. There are eyes on screens. Fingertips reaching.  

The end of my day seems to routinely culminate in exhaustion and aching awareness of each footstep taken. The last moments of active consciousness are typically spent planning the footsteps for tomorrow & the rest of the week. Subtle anxieties swirl in tune with my breath. Am I superficial? Am I manipulative? Am I too eager? Of course, alone here, I muster up the most change-provoking answer I can. Then, I imagine an immediate change in course. 

Today has been incredibly quantitative. 

Numbers exhibit a sense of preciseness. Something sharp and exact. Something that slices your hands as your grip gets right. Today showed me no dull edges. I've stayed engaged to the most of my abilities and that says something. You can't close your eyes when you are at risk of being shredded to pieces. 

[unclearmindwellness]

Homework. Starbucks. NPR.

[unclearmindwellness]

Drafts of Me

It has been a while and I am sorry for that. My writing does not serve as just a place for others to possibly find a common ground, but for me, myself to find some sort of grip on the flurry of thoughts that consume my conscious days. 

Even now, as I open a new draft on my blog, I am reminded of the drafts that have yet to be completed since June. Maybe this one won't make it any further either. 

To describe my state of mind in the last few months, the allusion of merry-go-rounds come to fruition. My point in the world is fixed and rotating at the same time. And the world is spinning at a different rate. Everything moves slow and fast at the same time. This makes trying to focus on anything bring on an overwhelming sense of nausea. Not to mention, the lights are bright and colorful and changing- causing storms to erupt in the back of my brain. The laughter and music and conversation around me becomes a muddled groan. 

My instant reaction- Close your eyes. Shut them tight and hide your head. 

It is more than being overwhelmed. It is edging on assault. Every time I am open to it, life hits a crescendo that causes me to recoil. Sick to my stomach. Then, I leave it unedited and unfinished. Now, I have these moments chronologically listed and highlighted with a label that reads 'DRAFT'. Otherwise, unidentified. Possibly to be continued. 

[unclearmindwellness]

Emotional

Yoga Sutra 2.10: The subtle states of the afflictions (Desire, Aversion & Fear) are destroyed with the dissolution of the mind. 

I would not say that I am the type to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I definitely attract and cling to many emotions. I am an emotional lint-roller, perhaps. 

Emotions consume. They have needs and wants and they take what they require out of you an even a bit more to sustain themselves. When you place good feelings toward something, you want more and more of it. You grow in your desires and form a sense of greed. When you associate something with bad emotions, you shy away from it. It gets abandoned and you choose to starve yourself of it or even become scared of it.

In myself, I see a teeter-totter of emotional pull keeping me unsteady. I build attachments and expectations before I even experience. My view on the world is not naive, but more so child-like. Everything is colors and textures. I know what I want, but not always does the world feel or look like the ideas in my mind's eye. Emotional response is the only fall-back that makes immediate sense. From here, I am impulsive. This is a quality of an existence vested in the physical plane. A place where the body is an extension of the mind. 

True contentment comes from acknowledging the entire existence. Understanding the need to separate the body, mind and self; but also see them as the present. Contentment is being okay with what ever may. Not holding onto the things we can see or feel as if they are absolute. Contentment opens the door for experience. 

[unclearmindwellness]

June Tune-Up

Seasons are changing and so is my weather. Sunny days need to start within. 

This June, I am prompting a little transformation in my life. I have a few specifics in mind and a lot of unspecific ideals floating around. We all have those attachments that e allow to hold us back. I am not longer doing that. I need to help myself to help others. 

Here is my To-Do list so far! 

Stop drinking coffee (This blasphemous task is a necessary evil)

Reduce allergens and sugars in my diet

Learn to play a song on guitar

Learn to play a song on piano

Make a Summer Reading List

Reflect more

Spend more time with myself

I am going to be the change. It all starts with my intentions. Some of the things on my list are a little vague or maybe a bit unimportant. Yet, they are mine. Are you tuning up for Summer? For life? For yourself? What is on your list? 

[unclearmindwellness]

Right and Wrong

Today I had a random thought. (What is new?) I was thinking things that we classify as right and wrong. For the longest time, I have tried not to think of anything as right or wrong. Yet, fundamentally, I feel as if there is a distinction that must be addressed.

***As a disclaimer, I do not feel as if I have the authority to place my morals on another and declare their actions as falling into one category or another.***

There is definitely cause and there is definitely effect. Every action that is made has an effect. As we set intentions for the day, or even in a moment, our actions forward must coincide with that intention or else the desired effect will not be met. To that distinction, there is a value that is put on the actions we make. If it does not match the intention that we have set, then it is not the correct action. Likewise, if it does fall in line, then it is correct. Here, we have right and wrong. 

These values are set by ourselves. They are not meant to be judgments toward one another. They are meant to be evaluations of our actions in accordance with the standards we have set. 

Just something I was thinking about. Anyway. How are you? 

[unclearmindwellness]

5.27.2015

I consistently feel as if I am in the realm of 'getting ready'. What exactly am I getting ready for? Beats me. 

The barrier between thought and implementation, for me, is confidence. I have opinions and wants and needs- but I am too timid to reach for them at times. This keeps all of these thoughts and ideas cooped up in my head. It is a funny thing. I know I have the power and knowledge to get where I want to be. Yet, I become discouraged by my own lack of confidence in myself. Before I try, I tell myself that I am not the one to do it. I am not the person that needs to put this out into the world. Yet, if not me, then who am I waiting for? 

We have all heard the quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world." 

That is exactly it. There is not time to sit and wait and hope someone else will get done what I need to get done. So, I am going to start getting things done. You should too. What are you wanting to get out of this whole deal? 

[unclearmindwellness]

“The history of the mind is the history of atrocities." -J. Krishnamurti

When we identify with and entertain the paths of the mind, we find ourselves taking action in courses that are flawed. True direction comes from the acknowledgment of our eternal being and our journey toward enlightenment.

[unclearmindwellness]

Chicken Tortellini Alfredo. <3 so good. Of course I needed a cup of black coffee too. Perfect meal for tomorrow's race and this rainy day. Yum!

[unclearmindwellness]

5.6.2015

Yoga Sutra 1.3 Then, the seer abides in his own nature. 

As we meditate, we delve into our deeper existence. We recognize that the body and mind are observable entities. We can also see that they are attributes that our being possesses. We are able to take these observances and recognize that we lie deeper still. Our natural state is separate from our physical and emotional existence. It is the awareness of the many layers one's being is encompassed in. Here it is imperative to note that in identifying with the physical or emotional body, we are not keeping true to ourselves. Also, having a body without imbalance and a calm mental disposition eliminates the obstacles that keep us from recognizing our natural state. 

In my journey to building an Ashtanga practice that I can find stability in, I have been studying the sutras as well as the vinyasas. I talk a lot about discipline (mostly to myself and my journals). Without having a discipline, a guiding light, it is hard to navigate through the thicket that is life. As I go through this journey, I want to highlight an analyze a few sutras as I come across them. I feel as if this may help others understand what the tradition of yoga I practice under really is. I also hope that possibly something in this may resonate with another being out there. Maybe my questions are the same as yours. 

The last few weeks have been trying. More and more I realize that I am causing a civil war within myself. I blame my body and the physical aspects of my world for the storms in my mind. I blame my mind for the dissatisfaction in my physical existence. In this destructive game of tug-of-war, the only thing that is being worn down is the rope. This rope, my natural state, does not belong to the body or mind. Rather the body and mind belong to it. Instead, I allow myself to let it lie dormant and tattered. 

As I go through this journey, I need to identify with my own nature, as I will never be content with anything else. This means treating every aspect of my physical life as something that needs to be taken care of and nurtured. This means allowing the mind to separate from the stimulation of the body and find a place of fluid silence.