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HOPE - NF

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progressss, also my paint covered ciggies aaaaaaa my very own, ✨ aesthetic ✨, the painting ended up looking like LITERAL SHIT idek what the goal is or wtf i even am doing but i know this canvas is gonna get wiped clean or painted over I HATE how it looks, there were so many photogenic moments during but i didn't click any photos and somehow these shitty ones are all i have to show for it i need to take more during intervals

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Removed the excess paint and then brushed it over with white acrylic. Start again

making The Surgeon's Cut Part ll-- will add an image of the first one if anyone wants to see?

but this here is part two for the two times my spine has been operated on. It's fair to say that it's a close resemblance. with some artistic liberty ofc

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So close final touches left

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The Surgeon's Cut II, in progress, painting after 3 years for myself, not sure if i will complete it, since upcoming appointment with spine surgeon for mri & ct imaging

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You either face your demons, or they raise your children.

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Golgotha by King Woman, from the album Celestial Blues

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I was burning while you came blaming me for the smell of ashes // Kamryn Tammer

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Crybaby - Nanna (music video)

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For years I have struggled with daily chronic pain. I don't write about it much because that's the thing about pain, it always exceeds the parameters of language. The thing that gets lost in translation between this thing I feel and this thing I say sometimes that thing just makes the pain worse. Futility is hard when it hurts. So sometimes trying is too much. It's the pain scales at the doctors offices: 1-10. When you get so accustomed to the pain eventually your 7 becomes your 6 becomes your I forgot some point along the way what it meant to consider pain as exceptional, + not foundational.

—Alok V. Menon

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"I won't glorify or romanticize heartbreak, for me it was a kind of death and I was forced to keep living." —Warsan Shire

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I' M BR E A KIN G AP A RT

"Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was always just red." —Kait Rokowski

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// SMILE //

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I over think. I over love. I over feel. I'm the sea or I'm nothing. — Juansen Dizon

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I did violence to my own heart // Edgar Allan Poe

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DEHUMANIZE YOURSELF AND FACE TO BLOODSHED

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Your father exerted his violence on others. Your mother was sympathetic to the suffering of others. One day you directed the violence you had inherited toward yourself. You dished it out like your father and you took it like your mother. — Édouard Levé

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I felt I would begin to weep blood // Anaïs Nin

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And in the silence I suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive.

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Bloodclot / Andvaka by Nanna