yesterday at the mall i decided to borrow a “complimentary wheelchair”, because standing upright had become considerably hard, and if i wanted to keep up with my friends, i needed mobility. this post could become an essay about internalized ableism or a complaint about how the woman at customer service treated us, but then the post would be way too long, an i want to make a specific point.
once i got the wheelchair, i got into it, collapsed my cane, and began a combo of wheeling and scooting myself with my feet to the elevator, so we could go to the food court. the wheelchair was manual, and a shitty one at that, and i have horrible upper body strength, so this was how i could keep up.
my god, the amount of high and mighty people that stared at me as i made my way with my friends. i could practically see them staring intently at my legs, waiting for any sign that i was undeserving of a wheelchair. they would look at my legs, i would stare them in the eyes, they would meet my eyes, and bashfully look away. i began to get embarassed, and exclusively used my arms to wheel myself, not using my legs. so that judging people would not frown at my moving legs. this was painful, and i was painfully slow.
we eventually made it to the food court, and split up. (with a little help from my girlfriend, who, god bless her, wheeled me with my consent over to the burger joint.) i wheeled myself into line, and the amount of people who asked me, looking at my phone, if i needed help, was insane. no! i’m waiting for a burger! and then, inevitably, when i got my meal, no one at the counter was willing to help me assemble all of the things onto a tray to carry back to my friends. i slowly wheeled back to my friends, precariously balancing my burger and shake, while people stepped in front of me to ask if i needed help. no! just move! i got it!
eventually, we travelled back to the help desk to hand back in the wheelchair, and i began the cane walk of shame back to my car. people who had seen my scoot/wheel past, saw me with my cane and gave me dirty looks, and i could feel my cheeks heat up. it was embarrassing and infuriating. i wanted to yell at them and tell them all the gory details of my medical history. i was so mad. but i was in public with my friends, so i kept walking.
the only positive thing that happened, was when i got into the up elevator, a middle aged wheelchair user using the same technique as me in her custom chair scooted out of the elevator, and gave me a thumbs up as i got in, and smiled at me. thinking back on it, it makes me think about how the people who really get it, are the people who are living it. it sounds mean and alienating, but it’s true. i find talking to disabled people about these things so much better than talking to abled people, because i feel like i can be a person, rather than an encyclopedia.
if you read all the way through, thank you, and please give this a reblog.
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