A Memoir

All the things I wanted to say, but didn't want to feel like a burden.

[wordsneveruttered]

757 Nostalgia

I miss all the black candy ladies in all the neighborhoods I spent time in while residing in Norfolk, VA, as a child.

[wordsneveruttered]

Silent Regret

I finally mustered the courage to tell you that I still love you, that I see myself with you long-term, that I'm sorry for leaving even though I had my reasons each time, and that there is no one I would rather be with than you. In reply, you told me all the sweetest things a girl could ever want her love interest to say. Shortly after sending paragraphs to one another about how our feelings remained for each other, a week or two later, I was over at your house. I was under the impression that we were really going to watch a movie, but things became heated. I won't lie; I wanted all that you did in that moment, but had I known it would end up like this, I would have never gone through with anything.

You used me. I feel so used by the one person I thought my body would be safe with. The one person who I thought wouldn't treat me differently no matter what. The one person I thought I could trust because it's you. You were just expressing your feelings for me.

You told me how you search for me in everyone you date. You said you'd always love me. You've even stated how you've connected and bonded with me on a spiritual level, and you hate that I took my love from you. Weren't you just telling me that? Did you mean any of it?

Do you hate me? Was this payback? Is this karma? I'm falling back until I fall off of you. I feel used and lied to due to my own stupidity, and I hold myself fully accountable.

[wordsneveruttered]

A Confused Heart

If you claim to love me, to care about me, and to have missed me, why do you take so long to text me back? Do I come off too strong? Am I not who you once knew? Am I not what or whom you thought me to be?

[wordsneveruttered]

S o n d e r

“The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own."

- The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

[wordsneveruttered]

Undeserving

This world never deserved me.

[wordsneveruttered]

A Guide to Me

I just hope one day someone close to me finds my Tumblr and finds what I blog about useful enough to consider it a source to do better by me.

[wordsneveruttered]

Living in a Novel

I find love and comfort in books. I imagine I’m whoever my favorite character is in the current novel I’m reading, and I let my imagination wander and flow.

[wordsneveruttered]

A Ghost With a Reason

People are so afraid of me ghosting them, but they never give me a legitimate reason to want to stay. I hate small talk, and I hate being asked the same things constantly. I’m always putting in more than I’m receiving. I rather love you from a distance.

[wordsneveruttered]

A Short Story

I’m tired of being everyone else’s sunshine.

[wordsneveruttered]

The Calming

No one but myself will know the hurt, anger, and violence it took for me to become the calm and peaceful person I am today.

[flowerytale]

Janet Fitch, from White Oleander

[wordsneveruttered]

A Note for My Next Lover

This love is new, not familiar or deja vu. I’m learning you. I’m learning your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. I want you to feel secure with me. I want to be the first person who isn’t family to know when something goes wrong, and you’re telling me because you know I can ease your mind. The ways I want you aren’t sexual.

Sex is great, but I want to challenge the world with you. Sit with you on your most difficult days. I want to love you more when it seems like you’ve been defeated. I want to let you know that it is okay to feel. It is okay to feel to heal.

I want you to lay on my chest and hear how my heart beats. How it beats for you and all the things and people I love. I want you to know you’re safe. I’m your home and comfort zone. I want you to know it's okay to be emotional, and you can be emotional around me.

I want you to know that I love you.

[wordsneveruttered]

Ending It

A lot of shit is about to be, “it was fun while it lasted.” I can’t bring everyone on the journey with me.

[wordsneveruttered]

Prideful

I have so many questions to ask you, but I can’t bring myself to do so.

[wordsneveruttered]

Having to Heal

Having to heal without closure is like, this is extreme, but this is how it feels; it’s like having AIDS and taking medicine to control it, when you know there’s a cure, but you’ll never be able to get it. It’s selfish on the other person's behalf. You learn to cope first, heal from the emotional trauma, and move on. It’s so selfish, but nonetheless, you develop an, "it is what it is" mindset. It’s a wound that’ll leave a scar, and occasionally leave you asking yourself, “why?”

This is why I don’t trust people easily. They’ll cut you, leave wounds, and never apply a band-aid. I’m afraid of people. I’m terrified of people.

[wordsneveruttered]

The Ride

Some days I'm okay, but on other days I'm falling apart and at my lowest. I find that to be perfectly normal. It is okay to not be okay.

[wordsneveruttered]

Togetherness

Knowing someone you love so deeply is experiencing a pain you can’t help them with is heartbreaking. Nonetheless, we’re in this together. "It isn’t fair that we laugh together, but you cry alone."