vent blog

bipolar shitposting // I don't need your help and I don't want your pity

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

Differential Diagnosis

*please don’t try to diagnose me. i’m just putting out my thoughts into the universe via this godforsaken website*

basically, ya girl went to a doctor to talk about her issues and he doesn’t think i have bipolar disorder? so that’s new

so it could be bipolar II, adhd, depression with psychotic anxiety, schizophrenia, or a combination of any of the above!

i have intrusive thoughts, inattention, alternating dependence/isolation, long depressive episodes with intermittent suicidal ideation, and, as of the last year and a half, complex nonthreatening visual hallucinations (briefly seeing people/animals that aren’t there)

he started talking about antipsychotics and I about had a fuckin heart attack

it took me two years to start taking medication, and the thought of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers scares the shit out of me. i’ve seen people take them and I don’t think i can handle that right now.... or ever

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

this just in: ya bitch is too sad to brush and floss her teeth so the dentist gave her baby crayola flossers

[dudepositivity]

Healing is becoming the best version of yourself, not whoever you think you were before things got bad.

[m1nd--0ver--matter]

[theroguefeminist]

Just a reminder because apparently people don’t realize this, but the rainbow gay pride flag isn’t like…a gay male pride flag? it was literally meant as a pride flag for everyone in the community. not that there’s anything wrong with specific identities having their own flag, but i keep seeing ppl post flag sets as if the rainbow ride flag only represents gay men and saying that not including every single other flag known in existence means you’re excluding people when no it’s not the rainbow flag is for everyone

[beanierhodes]

I think this is really important for people who are daunted by all the labels and still figuring themselves out. It’s okay. The rainbow flag is yours too

[nooneunimportant-deactivated201]

Bipolar Problems: Manic Anger

Okay, most of the descriptions I’m finding on tumblr are a little different than my own mania because everyone’s bipolar is a bit different from the next person’s, so I’m gonna try to describe my own. Now, there are multiple aspects to mania, sometimes it’s a ‘good’ high, where you feel overconfident and happy and hyper, or it’s an anxious kind of ‘high’ where you’re worried about every little thing. Or maybe it’s a productive 'high’ where you need and want to get as much done as possible. Or maybe it’s a sexual 'high’ where…well, I will refrain from describing that one too much, but it’s bad.

But sometimes you get the angry mania, or a mix of all of them or a few of them. Angry mania is the kind I deal with the worst. I feel it’s the part of my bipolar that is the least acceptable and hardest to deal with.

It’s like an anxiety attack, a caffeine rush, a sugar rush, and being excessively angry and frustrated at every little thing possible, including things you normally wouldn’t be frustrated about. The pulse and heart rate increase like you’re in fight or flight mode because your body is literally prepared for just that. Everything is pulsating and you’re shaking, much like a full-blown anxiety attack, except replace all the worry you would have during those with anger and frustration. Your skin is prickly and you sweat more easily no matter if you are physically active at the time or not. Sometimes you can calm down before it gets worse but sometimes you end up stuck in it. At the beginning you may be able to more calmly approach people but by the end of it, if you don’t gain control, you find yourself wishing you could strangle someone or punch someone just to get out the urge. They could be doing absolutely nothing wrong, but you’re angry and you can’t stop being angry. Sometimes the anger will last hours, days, weeks. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it won’t go away until your body decides to finally stop being manic.

You may throw things or destroy things to keep from doing the same to people. You know you don’t want to hurt anyone, and you may even be screaming inside your head that this is illogical and you need to stop before you do something you regret, but it’s like you’re a slave to your own body and mind. It’s like you’re possessed and you have to watch as your body loses all control. You’ll be begging to stop and begging to keep going at the same time. You have to get out the anger, you HAVE to, but you know that won’t fix anything because it’ll just keep going and going and going and you’ll cause more and more damage and regrets. You know most people will just see you being angry and not think maybe you don’t really WANT to do this, and you may even be seeing a friendship falling apart right in front of you but be entirely powerless to stop it. Not because it’s inevitable the friendship will end, but because you can’t gain the control over yourself to keep from pushing them to the edge, because you’re already at the edge and you kind of wish you could jump because you feel that’s the only way to stop it. Everything’s too slow. Too slow and irritating and why do people keep approaching me? It’s like they WANT to make me angry. That’s what they’re doing, they’re TRYING to make me angry, well they can get a dose of their own medicine. I’ll show them. I’ll make them suffer. I’ll destroy them from the inside out.

No, stop.

Please.

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

im so angry and i dont know why

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

my meds aren't helping anymore

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

Why can't I take care of myself? Why do I lay in bed telling myself to brush my teeth but just... don't get up?

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

3:25 am

I move out tomorrow.

I've had like three days to pack up my stuff.

I was sick.

I had a fucking do or die surge in my brain at like 11 and have not stopped cleaning since? I finally picked up my phone and realized it was so freaking late.

And my brain and heart are just like GO GO GOOOOOO

[choosing-recovery-always]

*Can’t sleep for one night*

Me: Is this hypomania?

*Buys something impulsively*

Me: Is this hypomania?

*Actually holds a conversation easily*

Me: Is this hypomania?

*Is actually in a hypomanic episode*

Me: *Has no idea*

[nooneunimportant-deactivated201]

Bipolar Problems: Manic Anger

Okay, most of the descriptions I’m finding on tumblr are a little different than my own mania because everyone’s bipolar is a bit different from the next person’s, so I’m gonna try to describe my own. Now, there are multiple aspects to mania, sometimes it’s a ‘good’ high, where you feel overconfident and happy and hyper, or it’s an anxious kind of 'high’ where you’re worried about every little thing. Or maybe it’s a productive 'high’ where you need and want to get as much done as possible. Or maybe it’s a sexual 'high’ where…well, I will refrain from describing that one too much, but it’s bad.

But sometimes you get the angry mania, or a mix of all of them or a few of them. Angry mania is the kind I deal with the worst. I feel it’s the part of my bipolar that is the least acceptable and hardest to deal with.

It’s like an anxiety attack, a caffeine rush, a sugar rush, and being excessively angry and frustrated at every little thing possible, including things you normally wouldn’t be frustrated about. The pulse and heart rate increase like you’re in fight or flight mode because your body is literally prepared for just that. Everything is pulsating and you’re shaking, much like a full-blown anxiety attack, except replace all the worry you would have during those with anger and frustration. Your skin is prickly and you sweat more easily no matter if you are physically active at the time or not. Sometimes you can calm down before it gets worse but sometimes you end up stuck in it. At the beginning you may be able to more calmly approach people but by the end of it, if you don’t gain control, you find yourself wishing you could strangle someone or punch someone just to get out the urge. They could be doing absolutely nothing wrong, but you’re angry and you can’t stop being angry. Sometimes the anger will last hours, days, weeks. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it won’t go away until your body decides to finally stop being manic.

You may throw things or destroy things to keep from doing the same to people. You know you don’t want to hurt anyone, and you may even be screaming inside your head that this is illogical and you need to stop before you do something you regret, but it’s like you’re a slave to your own body and mind. It’s like you’re possessed and you have to watch as your body loses all control. You’ll be begging to stop and begging to keep going at the same time. You have to get out the anger, you HAVE to, but you know that won’t fix anything because it’ll just keep going and going and going and you’ll cause more and more damage and regrets. You know most people will just see you being angry and not think maybe you don’t really WANT to do this, and you may even be seeing a friendship falling apart right in front of you but be entirely powerless to stop it. Not because it’s inevitable the friendship will end, but because you can’t gain the control over yourself to keep from pushing them to the edge, because you’re already at the edge and you kind of wish you could jump because you feel that’s the only way to stop it. Everything’s too slow. Too slow and irritating and why do people keep approaching me? It’s like they WANT to make me angry. That’s what they’re doing, they’re TRYING to make me angry, well they can get a dose of their own medicine. I’ll show them. I’ll make them suffer. I’ll destroy them from the inside out.

No, stop.

Please.

[bipolarbean]

me, suddenly blind furious about something that would have been completely fine literally yesterday and actively having to restrain myself from hurting myself or others: ah, yes, The Mania™

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

Why is it back?

Why is this tightness in my chest back? Why is the aching in my head back? Why is the burning in my throat back?

Why am I so sick again? Why can’t I look in the mirror and love my self? Why am I so disgusting?

Why am I not pursuing what I want anymore?

When did I give up again?

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

People with bipolar disorder (specifically type II but I'm not too picky)

Are you on lithium? Is it horrible? I'm so afraid of it and I can't really even put it into words

My mom took medication for her diagnosis back in the early 2000s, and it really fucked up her body and mind.

I've been taking antidepressants for like 5 years, and had the most success with zoloft/sertraline, but I'm dealing with new symptoms that are very indicative of hypomania... specifically visual hallucinations and feeling like my bones are vibrating (I know that sounds dumb but that's what I've got)

I am gonna talk to a therapist again, and try to get in with a psychopharmacologist over the next few weeks, but I dont want to do anything drastic to my treatment before finals

If anyone has advice/words of encouragement/anything else they'd like to offer me, I'm all ears

[wowthesaddestpersonalive]

I need to brush my teeth

But I cant?

Like I think someone has to brush them for me

I'm 20

Help

[her-minds-a-mess]

but like having a mental illness in a relationship is so hard cuz you never know if the negative emotions ur feeling are valid or if u just being crazy