The gift of Yac

A London boy surviving in Санкт-Петербург, Россия with the phrase: "извините, мой русский плохо."

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Yacquaman

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Yac’s list of women he would turn homo for... no homo 2017

Pretty much the same as my man crush list but with women representation instead.

Supergirl / Melissa Benoist: 

The common misconception is that my number one crush is Taylor Swift. It isn’t, it’s Supergirl! She can sing just like Taylor Swift. When Taylor Swift learns how to fly then she can take back her place at the top of my list.

Hannah (from 13 Reasons Why):

I could list 13 Reasons why but that’s a blog for another time.

Zoey Deutch (from Before I Fall):

Before I Fall is a really good movie! This lady saved me from the boredom of an 11 hour flight and made the travel memorable for a good reason.

Anya Taylor-Joy:

Perfection! 

Emma / Emmalina

She could probably kick my ass. That’s fine, she can pin me or make me submit anytime!

Emma Watson / Beauty (from Beauty and the Beast):

Giving hope to all Beasts out there.

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Yac’s list of men he would turn homo for... no homo 2017

Sadly 2016 passed without a continuation of my (intended) yearly feature of men who Yac would gladly turn homo for. But, fear not, the 2017 version is here.

So, in no particular order:

Jason Mamoa / Aquaman:

As mentioned, these are not in any particular order but if pressed, then Aquaman would be top.

Antonio Conte:

Look at that passion! His wife is a lucky lady!

Chris Jericho:

Chris Jericho just made the list!

Jerome Valeska:

I am tempted to say, the best film/tv version of The Joker, but then again he isn’t even officially The Joker.

Jeff (from 13 Reasons Why):

Dude was so sweet, viewers caught diabetes.

Prometheus / Adrian Chase (from Arrow):

Beast (from Beauty and the Beast):

Giving hope to all Beasts out there.

And fuck it, Yac:

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Hospital

Today in the hospital, Yac noticed a sign that said, “customers are not permitted to charge their phones.”

Who would unplug someone’s life support machine just to charge their phone?!

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Pain

I really am not good with pain. Today, I closed a car door foolishly thinking it wouldn’t need any of my concentration and vision. A shocking jolt reverberated through my entire being. I looked at my little finger, sat there just chilling under the car door and thought “hmmm, that’s not normal.”

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What is the gift of a yak?

Great question. So my name is Yac (true story: that's me in the profile pic, on the left... Or is it the right... No, no, that's a donkey on the right!) The gift part is just me considering myself as a gift to humanity which the world should enjoy

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The rain defeated me. :( Kik/telegram/Snapchat : superyac

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Awkward moments

Due to me being a lazy fatty, these days I rarely cook. I am often found in a cafe or restaurant enjoying delicious food. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of this is that I am near (ugh) people.

I went to a very classy dining establishment with my date, or so I thought. (both the class and the date part, no class and friendzone) After finishing his meal, Yac decided to go wash his hands because the smell and feel of food on one’s hands is a pet peeve of Yac’s. While in the bathroom, he thought to himself, ‘hmm why not, while I’m here: let’s use the toilet.’ Due to a law passed in 2015 that stated Yac was to only use cubicles and not urinals, because it would render members of the public envious to see his studly penis, Yac had to saunter over to the unused cubicle where he was to urinate. While inside he heard the sound of the bathroom door opening and a gentleman (presumably) entered. 

Perhaps he thought he was alone. Maybe it was a demonic possession. What happened next was horrific. There was a loud rumble. The dirty prick farted! It sounded like King Kong having an orgasm. Yac could barely stifle in his laughter. He had finished dispensing his glorious golden stream of liquid and needed to leave the cubicle to wash his hands. He went to the sinks and saw the creator of such a loud rumble, There was eye-contact where both people knew what had happened but no words exchanged. Yac just wanted to wash his hands quickly and escape before the inevitable smell followed. He did just that.

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Yac’s review: Makka Pakka Gets Lost

Genre: Animated, (psychological) thriller, action, adventure, drama. Run time: 30 minutes Release date: Out now! Certificate: 18 The main protagonist of ‘Makka Pakka Gets Lost’ is a dainty, benign character and it is through him that we get to live vicariously through. Makka Pakka acts as a vessel which transports the viewer into this fantastical landscape and unique environment which is inhabited by other wonderful life organisms. As such our perception is influenced by the brave hero. The story begins by introducing us to Makka Pakka. It is a clever technique often used by movies to create a rapport between viewer and characters. Because the viewer feels an emotional and intellectual attachment to the main character, this enables the story to begin and gain momentum in little time. The characterisation is done flawlessly and for this the writers deserve kudos. Before setting off on his journey, Makka Pakka must prepare; he discovers a trumpet. This scene is a particular highlight and to describe it would only steal from the viewer the magnanimoniously sacred privilege of seeing this cinematographically excellent moment for themselves. Regardless, the scene can be favourably compared with some of cinema’s most iconic moments and not look out of place. Makka Pakka Gets Lost’ whisks along at a relentless pace and indeed there is a plot twist which completely catches the viewer off guard; Makka Pakka gets lost! He loses his bearings and ambles around for a while. It is a credit to Makka Pakka’s phenomenal Oscar-worthy acting abilities that he is able to create such a heart-wrenching and emotionally dramatic permutation of atmosphere in the movie. The viewer has little recourse but to will Makka Pakka on. At this point, the exemplary exponent in any movie is expected to delve deep into their reserve to find a solution; Makka Pakka duly obliges. He allows himself to be found by a flying contraption which axiomatically doubly manoeuvres as a navigational device which passes gas consistently. The metaphorical implication of the floating vehicle is rather clear for all to see. Overall, ‘Makka Pakka Gets Lost’ is an insightful exploration into the theme of comfort zones and travel. It highlights the internal struggle that almost each homosapien faces in adjudicating whether to stay or go. The movie provides a cautionary warning against straying too far away from ones’ comfort zone. However, by the conclusion it could be argued that the resolution is one which supports the argument for it. ‘Makka Pakka Gets Lost’ is certainly a jewel in the cinema industry and should be experienced by both obsessive and casual cinema-goers alike.

Rating: ******

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The Latest...

So it has been a while since I wrote anything substantial on Tumblr. On Sunday, I was lucky enough to spend an evening with a beautiful lady sharing a meal and watching a movie, Personal Shopper. (I am waiting for original language showings of Split... Anytime now SPB.SUBSCITY... Hint hint)

Firstly the meal was fun. My date didn’t know what to order, the poor girl wanted to order the smallest thing! Then I had the genius idea of ordering for her... and so I ordered the biggest main meal on the menu. Bless her, she managed to finish it, with my help of course.

Once we stripped the meal down to the bare naked China of the plates, I decided to try being human and so I went to wash my hands. That’s when it happened... I am still a bit traumatised so please bear with me.

As the warm soapy water cleansed my hands, I made the genius decision to use the private cubicle and pee, so as not to need to use the toilet during the movie. Little Yac was out decorating the toilet bowl in a golden-yellow hue when the bathroom door opened and a man, I presumed, went to use the urinal. That’s when I head an awkward loud rumble. It sounded like Godzilla having an orgasm, I stifled in my laughter and went to wash my hands. The guy had also finished urinating....i would guess, as he was already washing his hands. Although after a fart like that, Yac would recommend taking a shower! Thinking back, how he had finished before me was a mystery. Perhaps he just walked in to the bathroom to let rip. Anyways, back to the awkward non-interaction at the sinks. We both knew he had farted, hella loudly, I was stifling in my laughter and doing quite a good job, that was until the fragrance ensconced the room and made it uninhabitable. I couldn’t keep control anymore. I had to get away from the situation, the smell and the awkwardness. i rushed out with soapy wet hands and went to my date. Thankfully she finished her meal, so I was able to tell her what had just happened. (Classy, I know)

Following the meal and the movie, we gave a VR gamestation a try! This was Yac’s first time using the VR and it was awesome! The instructions from the helper was in Russian so naturally I didn’t understand a lot. But the set-up was in English. Unfortunately, I had to take my glasses off which meant I couldn’t see clearly and so struggled to navigate even through the English instructions. This certainly confused the workers as I am sure my doofusery in the Russian language stretched their patience and then my apparent retardation in even my native language would have frustrated them completely. Anyways, once I moved the VR headgear slightly, it looked clear and I could see perfectly. Unfortunately when it came to the game which involved me throwing weapons at my opponent, I was destroyed 4-1. Luckily, in the next round, my muslim background proved useful and I was able to throw all kinds of bombs at my lovely date and I won 4-0. Hoorah

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The one in three Timothy Theory

Doctor Yac has a theory which is quickly becoming undeniably gospel! Dr. Yac has a friend called Timothy and Dr. Yac noticed that actually this friend has a few lookalikes; from football manager Carlo Ancelotti all the way to North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Un. In fact even walking down the street you would come across a few doppelgangers to the point where you would feel like you are stuck in a GTA realm where the same character models are being used.

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Bad influence

A friend once said about me: “I have to be in the right mindset to hang out with Yac.”

Apparently I bring out the worst in people. And I can see how in the past that could be true. I brought out the annoying side in everyone and all of my groupies tried their best to impress me. And that was their downfall, I didn’t want friends who would be my ally, I wanted friends who would oppose me and go against me. I wanted a Batman for my Joker. Since then, I have matured quite a bit; I work abroad away from friends and family, and have just recently completed an extremely successful tenure at Summer School where without bragging (I really am being modest here) I was the best thing about that place.

Oh but I did bring out the annoying side (well to those who had to deal with it, not me) and worst in others. For example, I had my own bodyguard and her job was to stop others from talking and interacting with The Great Yac. 

And then.... and then there was that famous rock night performance. Yours truly had been asked to be one of the judges, along with two other members of staff, one included the boss, the main man in the school.

There was an incredible performance right away and after that it was impossible for the other students to get close to that level. But there was one equally memorable performance albeit for other reasons; there was one student who was quiet and simply did not want to be at the school. She would walk solemnly at all times as though her family had just been taken to a holocaust. So when it was her groups turn to perform, myself and the judges expected something interesting. And so it proved. The group went on stage, the two lead singers showing incredible energy and passion, the rest of the group doing their bit and dancing away. Then there was the solemn student. She stood almost motionless. Just her hand mimicking hitting the drums while she stared out into a blank space. That’s when I broke into such laughter that it ruined my make-up (Yes I wore make-up that day) The situation was awkward and hilarious in equal measure. This would be when older and more mature colleagues would reign me in, except they were grinning wildly and found the situation funny too. The worst part is the performance was filmed, and you could clearly see the judges laughing, one even pointing, but luckily for me, my luscious locks were in the way so I could always say it was those two and not me.

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Boredom

The other day me and a fellow Yac fan were bored so we went for a walk, in a cemetery! I noticed a tombstone that read: R.I.P (insert name)… Fell asleep on (insert date)

How confused will she be when she wakes up?!

Euphemisms have their intended purposes and some of the euphemisms for death that work include: the respectful ‘passed away,’ 'no longer with us,’ and the 'gone to a better place.’

Unfortunately some euphemisms do the complete opposite like this one: expired. Ouch! Just like a loaf of bread.

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Stalking

So here is the necessary background info needed to understand this story. A few years ago, me and my brothers would go play football weekly with this group of relatives. Then something happened involving the cousin and the guy who invited us. Despite that, me and my brothers were still invited for a few months after that until suddenly it just stopped and we were cut off. We still have no idea why.

So today, some 3 or 4 years later me and my brother were in the local supermarket picking up some milk when he pointed out, ‘look it’s Farghan’ I immediately noticed the bald patch, the bald patch that looks like a whale floating in a lake. We hoped that he didn’t see us as he pushed his trolley into an aisle. We went to the adjacent aisle and discussed what we would do. We went with the fun option of just following him and hoping he would see us a few times, with the question of whether he would say hello or not

As he went to the checkout, me and my brother went to another checkout three rows adjacent to the right. That’s when he saw us. He turned his back as quickly as he could hoping we wouldn’t recognise him, perhaps not realising that the back of his head is even more recognisable than his primitive looking face.

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Brexit

For all of you oafs who voted for the UK to leave the EU, big shame on you. You selfish doofuses have no idea how this will affect Chelsea and Tinder!

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Growing a beard

At the moment I am growing a beard just because I want to and I want to have a moustache that overlaps my lips so that when I eat, I have to swipe the hair to the left like a Tinder reject.

And on the timely mention of Tinder, surprisingly there are quite a few pognophiles out there, that perhaps is another reason why I have decided to look like a lost member of the Wyatt family.

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Have to make sure that hair is on point! Kik me: superyac (so that I can ignore you 😄)