Born in 91', short, canadian, female or neutral pronouns. just your average mentally ill goblin, don't mind me.
peep my garden nonsense here; @gardengobbo
Literally haven't wanted to play the sims in months and now that I'm going to be away from the house for a week and a bit, my brains just like "hey, you should play some sims."
okay so that was NOT all of them, there were another four groups of adults and goslings but I got really tired of taking pictures of them for the bit. I have made it back to my car alive but if I open the door and there's a goose in there I'm going to be really pissed
so embarrassing when i forget im checking someone's blog and i start scrolling through and liking and reblogging shit as if it's just my dash. it feels like wandering into someone else's apartment and not noticing and making myself lunch
I keep doing this and when I realize it I'm like "oh g's, I hope they don't think I'm just liking all their stuff to make them look at my blog." cause my blogs just trash lmao
It feels it comes across like how back in the day you'd sign in and out of MSN Messenger to get someones attention to message you.
REALLY FUN FACT for big cats cheetahs are fucking docile as shit
my grandfather ran a cheetah sanctuary in south africa and heโd just lie with them and sleep among them and theyโd rub against him and chirp at him theyโre big fucking babies
Another Fun Fact: Cheetahs are incredibly nervous animals. One of the (many) reasonโs theyโre going extinct is that cheetahs are so sensitive and nervous, some of them are literally too nervous to breed. Others will breed, but stress themselves out so much, theyโll lose their cubs.
So zoos with breeding programs had to figure out how to make cheetahs comfortable enough to first of all, get laid and secondly - not spazz themselves into miscarrying.
So whatโd they do?
They gave the cheetahโs their very own Service Dogs!
The dogs make them feel safe, protected and secure!
Also! Cheetahs are not in fact classified as big cats, they are simply very large lesser cats, due to the fact that they purr, meow, chirp, and cannot roar. Also many cheetahs have learned to recognize wildlife photographers are friends and not foes, so they will just come up to people and be friendly occasionally as pictured at the top of the chain. Some will even leave their Cubs with photographers to look after while they hunt. So. Yeah. Cheetahs are great
this works because cheetahs are actually fairly social animals, and they look to members of their group for context on how worried they should be about any given Situation. but since cheetahs are also nervous social animals, they can work each other into an anxiety spiral pretty easily over things like โbeing in an enclosed habitatโ and โthereโs a guy over thereโ.
so by introducing a dog as a member of the group, the cheetahs will now look to the dog for context clues on how worried they should be! and the dog Is Not Worried At All, Thanks, so the cheetahs think everything must be chill even if they were personally unsure about it, and they stop being so freaked out about literally everything.
I've been trying to get assigned a proper psychotherapist since, I don't know. At least September of last year? When the doctor I was seeing was moved from the department I was put in to the other hospital. He was apparently doing psychotherapy with me, despite him not technically supposed to be doing that according to the new doctor I was reassigned to. This doesn't explain everything properly but it's no secret that Ontario/Canada/The fucking world isn't properly able to handle mental health situations and it shouldnt be a surprise that it took more than 2 years to actually get into this specific mental health program after the referral from my family doctor. I've recently found out that it's also not even supposed to be a long term solution, and I'm going to be bounced to another doctor at another hospital for further treatment. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be assigned back to the first doctor who was moved to there, because he genuinely was an incredible help. I think I'm going to be speaking with someone today about that, I'm not entirely sure to be completely honest.
I recently completed an official assesment that involved going over basically everything I could remember in my life, and even if during pregnancy my mom had any complications. Fun fact, apparently studies have been done that show smoking tobacco during pregnancy is linked to higher chances of the child developing ADHD. At the end of the assesment the Doctor writes up a report, we went over it in case of any corrections being needed, and it's submitted to my electronic file. It was already know that I have ADHD (combined type to be more specific.), Persistent Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The new addition to this roster was Complex PTSD (in the DSM-5 it falls under "Other Specified Trauma and Stressor Related Disorder"). In hindsight, yea, that checks out.
I've always said I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can get the right kind of treatment, because it's been years of feeling like I'm just slapping bandaids on a wound without properly treating it. I'm very aware things like therapy and coping strategies aren't a one size fits all thing, but when nothing seems to be helping it makes me think there has to be something else wrong with me. Turns out, I was right. Also turns out, it's a lot harder to accept than I'd expected. I expected relief to finally be able to say "this is what's wrong with me!", and maybe to a certain extend I do feel that, but I'm also feeling incredibly angry. Worse is that I also feel tremendous guilt for that anger because I know it's not going to change anything.
I wouldn't have said my childhood was traumatizing. It was rough at times while my Dad was just starting to be treated for his Bi-polar Disorder and I've never denied that being yelled at by him has absolutely impacted me in how I react to people raising their voices and aggression in general. But it's the fact that in trying to raise me to be independent, and also keeping their tobacco and cannabis use "away from me" by leaving me on my own for the vast majority of my childhood ended up doing more harm than good. I do have to mention that I still think the fact that my Dad rigged up a normal video camera to a TV in the basement to act as a video baby monitor back in the early 90s was pretty clever. I was alone but not unattended essentially.
Even as I got older I was still always alone. We didn't have a dinner table for family meals, I always ate in my room and them in the basement. I was happy to be able to take my food back to my computer and eat while I played The Sims. I had my own tv, my own space, and it really did feel like independence. Everyone always thought it was weird when I explained it to them, but I insisted that it was fine and felt like by the time I was in high school I had a great relationship with my parents. Even now thinking back to it, I don't know if I would have wanted to change that. Maybe at the very least having dinners together would have been nice, maybe watching a movie while we ate or something. I don't know.
What starts to make me angry though is when I think of how much cannabis they must have been smoking all throughout my life. They quit tobacco when I was younger, I want to say like 8 or 9 maybe? But my Mom never stopped smoking pot. My Dad said to me once that it was something they'd tried to quit many times but couldn't, and that's what addiction is. My Dad did actually did just straight up stop smoking it between getting a stint installed after his heart attack and going back to the hospital before he passed away. He essentially had one smoke, ended up not being able to breathe and went "nope, guess I'm done with this." It makes me think my Dad could have stopped any time if he really wanted to, but my Mom was the one really addicted. It's clear she is, because living in her basement I've been exposed to it so damn much in these last couple of years we've been here.
That's one of my main points of anger too. No matter how many times I try to explain to her the physical effect the cannabis is having on me, it doesn't seem to register as serious to her. I don't know if she is genuinely not understanding, or just trying to ignore it and convince her self it's not as big of a deal as it is. This makes me think how much of my childhood was also spent with her being high? I was home most with my Dad because he worked night shifts. My Mom was working a typical 9-5. I don't want to put blame squarely on my Mom for the cannabis use but it's extremely hard for me to not do so. The times I can recall smelling smoke from the basement despite knowing they quit cigarettes were all when they were both home. I don't know if my Dad smoked when he was home with just me. I honestly don't think he did. Despite how rough things were when he was struggling with his own mental health, he was an incredible Dad. And this isn't what I wanted to vent about, but now I'm crying and fuck, I miss him.
I don't know if I only started to notice my Mom's major shortcomings because I'm an adult now too, or if maybe they were always there and my Dad just balanced them out? Or maybe it's because she no longer has to parent, and only has herself and her happiness to focus on. But it's so incredibly frustrating to deal with because if she was any other person in my life, I truthfully would have distanced myself from her. I truly believe she's also got ADHD and is struggling with that, because there are signs that I know from my own ADHD. She doesn't want to get tested, and says she can't afford the medication anyways and absolutely fair on that part, it's not cheap without a drug benefits plan. But knowing this, I've tried to give her advice on how to mitigate some of the most frustrating aspects that she's vocalized being and issue and also become an issue for others like myself and my partner. But it seems she just brushed them off and continues to struggle with the same problems and then gets upset that they're still problems.
The simplest example is just setting a timer or alarm. She gets frustrated that she ends up running late every day, it was part of the reason she'd be fired from her last job as well. She's told me she loses track of time and then has to mad dash around to leave. I know this because every single time it's incredibly loud above me, upsets Oy (this is a whole other thing I don't want to get into.) tremendously, and worries me that she's going to get in trouble for being late at this job too. I also have this problem and I know I do, so I actively have to set multiple timers to make sure I know when I need to stop whatever I'm doing, get ready to leave, and then get out the door on time. Sometimes it takes only 1 alarm, sometimes I make sure to set 2. But I know this is a problem I have and that is an annoying but effective solution to it. I've shown her how to quickly set up timers on her phone, and even shown her how to ask her Google Home devices to send reminders or alarms. It's literally as simple as saying "Hey Google, set a timer for 45 minutes/set an alarm for 2:45."
I've stressed this to her especially when she does laundry, because for that she needs to come down into our space to do it. Which is fine, obviously, but when 2 loads of laundry should at most take 2-3 hours but takes the entire day because she forgets about them it becomes frustrating. We have to block off the door so Oy doesn't get upset that suddenly someone is in our area, so we tend to just avoid going out to the "kitchen" (The mini fridge with milk in it, coffee maker, microwave, and toaster oven located in the same area as the laundry machines.) until she is done. This also means remembering to NOT lock the door so she doesn't have to fight with it as she comes and goes, making sure if we need to let Oy outside she's not in there or outside, and just generally trying to be as out of the way of her for that time period as possible. Problem is when she forgets about it, we spent hours in waiting mode expecting her to finish it only to be sent a text asking to start the load again because she forgot. I've told her to just set a timer for 45 minutes and not to dismiss it until she is actually in the laundry room. If your timer goes off and you can't immediately stop what you're doing to go get the laundry, add 10 minutes. Then when that one goes off again, go down or add 10 minutes. It's annoying, but it works. I've dismissed my timer for the wash only to immediately forget I needed to get up and swap it over so many times it's not even funny, so I get it. But you can't just keep getting frustrated that you forget stuff and make no efforts at all to help yourself not forget. Especially when it's also inconveniencing others around you. It's even more frustrating when those you are inconveniencing go above and beyond to not inconvenience you.
During one of the times the hubs was asked to pick my Mom up from work, she was complaining about how no one has common courtesy anymore and only thinks about themselves. Typically she will complain about something or other that happened during her day on the drive home and he'll politely nod and listen, but the irony of her genuinely complaining about that was too damn much to just tune out. I can't remember what he'd said in return, but it apparently just went right over her head and she continued on. I don't think my Mom is a bad person, which might be hard to believe from all this rambling. I think a lot of it has to do with her generational mindset (born '62). While she's not as bad as some, it's still frustrating to try and explain how some of the things she does are causing serious mental distress to me in particular, but also probably my partner. And absolutely my dog, but again, that's a story for another time.
To loop this back around, I've been finding my self increasingly angry at a lot of things she has been doing, or not doing lately. I wonder if she was like this when I was a kid and I didn't notice. Did it contribute to the trauma? I know now that I have such a strong sense of injustice when people do things "against the rules" and aren't punished for it because I was terrified to do things wrong as a kid. So when my own Mother does things "against the rules" it makes me literally furious. I want to scream "You taught me this was wrong! How dare you disregard that for yourself!"
I know that pointing this anger at her and screaming this is all your fault isn't fair. Not only because I was raised by both my Mom and Dad, so it was a joint effort, but because it would accomplish nothing. I don't even know if I want to tell her I've been diagnosed with Complex PTSD because of childhood neglect. I don't think that will help anything. It's not going to change the past and I honestly don't think it would change anything going forward. She knows they screwed that up. At least, I assume so. I don't remember if it was her or my Dad who'd told me, but I do specifically remember being told that they wanted to teach me to be independent and be able to do things on my own, not relying on others for comfort and support but admitting that backfired and was the wrong choice. So is it really going to benefit anyone to bring that up and remind her she failed as a parent during a critical part of my development? I really don't think it will.
But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I need to confront her about it for my own healing. I know I always put the feelings of others before my own, and would rather make myself uncomfortable or unhappy then upset someone else. I'm sure it's half the reason so much of the things my Mom does bother me so much. Because I'd rather just say "Sure, that's okay" when something is wrong than be 'rude' and say "Actually no, that's not okay." What makes me even more mad about that though is that my partner is the same way. If my Mom asks him to do something, no matter how much more of an unconvinced it might be for him than it would be for her or her partner to do, he will always say yes. Both of us feel obligated to do so as well, because she's given up her basement for us when we would have otherwise been homeless. For him even more so, because she was the reason we were able to get him his dream car. I know he feels like he owes her every favor she asks, no matter how odd or annoying it is, despite the fact that all she did in relation to the car was sign the papers.
I genuinely hate how much anger I've been feeling towards my Mom in these last few months specifically. Even before I was officially diagnosed with cPTSD and that made me start questioning other things. I don't want to think of my Mom like this. I don't want to be here.
I hope that this person who I'm going to be having a phone call with today, or I guess also possibly tomorrow because she said Thursday or Friday in the email, is who's going to be transitioning me to the other hospital for the recommended therapies based on my diagnosis. I'm tried of all the bandaid solutions and just want to do proper psychotherapy. It shouldn't be this hard to be just put on the damn waiting list for long term care. I've said it before and I'll say it, it genuinely seems like unless I do something to put myself at risk, nothing I say is taken seriously. It feels like I need to do something to put myself into the hospital for my mental health struggles to be valid. I'm not going to, and if for some reason you've read this far please don't do that either. The best we can do is keep jumping through the hoops. Even if it means dragging ourselves though them because we're too exhausted to even step though the hoops. Eventually someone's going to help. At least that's the bit of hope I've chosen to cling to.
I'm tired. I don't know why I typed this. I don't know why I still feel like I should post it. I'm probably going to because fuck it? I need to go to the dollar store and get some bags for the soap I made that my Grandma ordered. I don't know what the weather's like though, and it's probably way too hot for me to walk up anyways.
I want to check in on my friend too, I know she has therapy today and this week was going to be rough for her. I just didn't want to bother her if she needed time to process and all that. But maybe we can get a warm beverage and make each other feel better.
i can't stop thinking about this. this kind of shit is not like milsim plane nerds with their own super-expensive desktop cockpit recreations. that kind of hardware makes sense to exist.
this does not. they're playing world of tanks which is like the "call of duty" of tank games (casual, players only slightly bad-smelling). it also doesn't have support for tank peripherals. no game does. no trainers do afaik. which means that (assuming this isn't just a video editing) all of that shit they are fucking with translates into mouse/keyboard inputs that the game understands. that's weird/hard and perplexing, uh, and considering that "tank peripherals" aren't a thing that exist i can only guess they built them theirselves
which is fucking hilarious because why are they so good. why does the fucking cannon breech have a little dry ice smoke effect when the breech opens like they just shot a shell. what. manual turret traverse crank?? did they build a fucking ready rack!! they're even using the correct phraseology which means one of these mofos read a PDF file
oopsie i tripped and spilled my link to archive dot org's downloadable copy of Microsoft office suite for 2007, which features no AI tools and is a powerful word processor that still holds up just fine on windows 10!
Partial transformation - mummy rot is slowly turning you to sand, a near miss from a medusa left you with partially stoned body parts, etc.
Hypnotic suggestions from being mind controlled persist after the controllerโs death, causing the victim to occasionally take actions to support the cause of a mind flayer cult that no longer exists.
Repeated demonic possession has left the patient with permanent gaps in their soulโs defenses, causing them to immediately get re-possessed if they go outside a consecrated area.
Post-resurrection trauma as the revived soul remembers an unpleasant afterlife.
Magical healing can get very weird if something is stuck in the wound. Itโll get you back on your feet, but you can get outcomes like โthereโs a chunk of wood fused into your chest because the magic couldnโt figure out how to get the arrow out of your chest and just healed it in place,โ and this can cause mobility issues or infection vectors down the line.
SHealth tied to something else - the health of a tree, the amount of frost on the ground, the inverse of another personโs, the political power of whoever cursed you
Curse of bad luck - makes any small illness or injury potentially fatal if not treated with anti-curse in addition to anti-infection procedures
Magical reliance on a magical or nonmagical substance - can have any number of side effects
Repeatedly being drunk by vampires can cause an increase in blood production and therefore high blood pressure and related ailments. Can be treated by blood letting.
Thereโs a lot of hybridization happening in a lot of fantasy settings, and thatโs just asking for a lot of people with weird half-dragon genetic disorders. Works out fine for some people, not so much for others.
Parasitized by (insert creature here). If you donโt take the correct precautions to keep it dormant it will continue to spread and eventually hatch out/transform you.
Repeated contact with the undead has left you open to their influence - leading to hearing or seeing things that other mortals canโt, which can distort or distract from more mundane concerns.
Alternately to being more vulnerable to intrusion, oneโs soul can form a scar that makes helpful magic more difficult to take in.
Sleep disorders that make one fall into an impenetrable sleep at a specific trigger, or to do so for years at a time.
Out of phase with 4D space, oneโs body not connected to itself or anchored in place/time in the usual way. There could be a consistent two hour gap between the things you hear and what has happened, you might clip into the floor as if it was in a different place for you, or you might slide through the material plane in cross section.
Intermittent intangibility.
Split into two people, each with only half your traits.
Sensitivity to ambient magic - like the thing where peoplesโ joints ache before a storm but for being near ley lines or people with a lot of magic built up or other magic reservoirs. - The potential for magic, but where the magic has not yet begun.
Heal spell dependency: years of repeated serious injuries being healed by magic causes the body to stop healing naturally. seen often in professional fighters and those with a long career in hazardous occupations.
the forgotten dread: memory modification magic has caused the subjectโs conscious mind to forget some past trauma, but their subconscious still remembers, causing them emotions that they cannot explain or justify ranging from mild discomfort to blind panic when presented with triggers related to the aforementioned trauma. often encountered in cases where the subject has paid an unscrupulous mage to make them forget their past as an ill-advised alternative to therapy.
Psychically Transmitted Memories: the subjectโs mind has been linked to another personโs and, although the bond has since been severed, they have retained memories or thought patterns from the other person that are difficult to distinguish from their own.
Negative Life Syndrome (previously โFalse Life Syndromeโ): seen most often in cases when the subject is exposed to dark magic while in the womb, Negative Life Syndrome leaves the subjectโs life energies tainted by undeath without making them truly undead. common symptoms include intolerance of radiant magic, aversion to sunlight, and the inability to set foot on hallowed ground; rare symptoms include healing from negative energies, sudden necrosis, and the desire to eat flesh or drink blood of living beings.
lycanthropy
Early Life Possessions: the subject was possessed by a spirit or demon during early childhood or infancy, and the possessing presence was in control of them when they learned important milestones, such as how to walk or speak. The subject is now dependant upon the possessing presence to help them perform these tasks or, in cases where the presence has since been exorcised, performs the relevant tasks at a level appropriate for an infant or small child.
Body requires nutrients not found in human food, and you must eat rocks, or gems, or some other alternative. You may or may not have the ability to actually digest these without magical assistance
Awareness of too many dimensions makes it difficult to interact with just this one - either to keep track of conversations, or walk to specific locations without ending up on another planet instead
Telekinetic psychosis - delusions tend to physically affect those around you (but HIGH chance for ableism in this one!)
you have flare-ups where your skin tends to slough off and be replaced by some other substance
After sharing life energy with a dying loved one, youโre now both trying to survive off one personโs supply. Like chronic fatigue, but if your loved one gets too big of a bruise you wonโt have the energy to get up until it heals
living in reverse
stuck at a certain age
supersenses lead to constant overstimulation
youโre a changeling, and if you donโt have someone who loves you close by, youโll turn back into sticks and mud
Being healed via nature-based magic too many times has led to your body sprouting plants. In severe cases this can lead to you becoming more plant than person. This is not fatal, but your health will become tied to the health of the plants.
Partial possession, where you periodically lose control of one or more appendages for a length of time.
Youโre a shape-shifter, and your body grows weaker the longer you stay in any given form.
Your body was constructed by artificial means (forged, sculpted, crafted, etc) and requires special methods to be repaired.
After being part of a hive mind for some time, being alone in your own mind is terrifying, even if you arenโt physically alone. You must maintain verbal or psychic communication to stay comfortable.
Soul bursting. You are in a vessel that was not designed to hold a soul, or at least not the type of soul that you are (for example, a powerful celestial body-swapped with a human, or a human body-swapped with some sort of fey insect), and as a result your vessel is being slowly cooked from the inside with radiant damage.
I didn't expect this to pop off as much as it has, so I wanna link the creators in the photos to just make things easier for anyone else looking to enjoy these lovely people's work!
jacobvanloon
baratheonpilled
stormborns
tangentwithtanner
annaxmalina
